Zaroff Introduction

[Zoidberg]

Synopsis: Master Hunter Gregory Barnum (under the alias Zaroff from "The Most Dangerous Game") is out hunting a creature that defies nature. Small chapter of a small series.


Under the blistering sun of the Sahara, mud dried and cracked into rock-hard cakes. Sand was heated to the point that it would instantly blister bare feet, and would turn to glass if heated through a loupe.

The great, swelling dunes each stretched hundreds of feet in all directions, and even the slightest breeze would send particles of sand sailing through the air, into the eyes of humans, if any were around.

In fact, several hundred feet away from the base of particularly large dune was a man in his late thirties who trudged up it to get a look of the surrounding area. His brown hair was barely visible under the sand-tanned turban he wore, which was fashioned from pieces of cloth and a dirty shirt. He wore blue jeans which were stained with sand and blood, and combat boots, which were torn in several places.

This man, known as Zaroff, was probably one of the greatest hunters who had ever lived. He'd made thousands of trips around the world, hunting small, big, and exceptionally large game—even some that were not of Mother Nature’s doing.

This was his fifth day in the Sahara Desert, and his third day without water. His quarry had evaded him longer than he had expected. His partner, an Australian named Thomas Miles, died that morning of dehydration. Zaroff hardly suffered. He had the unnatural ability of going nearly a week without water.

His quarry, like many of his others, was stealthy, dangerous, and a freak of nature. It was made in a lab under Project Genesis, to which he and a collection of other geneticists belonged. The ignoramuses who ran the company decided to “test-drive” the creatures in the wild, and they were immediately set loose into a habitat that was suitable to their needs.

Zaroff continued his way up the dune, bits of sand sinking down the slope with each step. He was so tired he almost lost his footing twice. When he finally reached the top, he surveyed the area. The desert was far more barren than he imagined. Hundreds of dunes stretched in all directions.

“Blast,” he muttered to himself, removing his rifle from his backpack.

A faint shape in the distance moved suddenly, throwing his mind into focus.

“There we are,” he said to no one. He charged down the dune at full speed, almost stumbling several times. Stealth at this distance was irrelevant. The creature sensed him just as well as he sensed it.

As he neared the point where he'd spotted it, he slowed to a halt. He sniffed the air for the creature’s foul odor, a hint that it was nearby. The stench of rotting meat and the smell of a reptile—the way one’s hands smell after handling a snake—filled his nostrils. He quickly yanked his rifle up to his eye and looked around. It was close…

With lightning speed, a huge shadow leaped out from under the dune, sending a wave of sand through the air. Zaroff recoiled wildly, covering his face with his arm. The creature bounded over him, its short arms flailing madly as it flew. It landed, sending thousands of tiny tan specs onto him, drenching him in their scorching heat.

Zaroff whipped his gun at it and examined the creature for weak spots. Last time he saw it clearly was two years ago in the lab at the University. It was amazing that it survived so well in such a barren environment. It had nearly doubled in size, and was now about fifteen feet long. It appeared to be a type of giant iguana, with skin as yellow as sand. Its sensitive eyes were hidden behind thick, scale-covered eyelids that kept the blistering sand out. Its back was lined with an immense sail-like frill, which was several feet tall.

The reptile opened its mouth and emitted a menacing screech, exposing the white, razor sharp teeth that lined its maw. Zaroff smiled back at it. They seemed to mimic each other’s movements as the hunter circle, each step in tempo with the creature's breathing. Just as Zaroff pulled the trigger on his rifle, the lizard screeched and leapt for him. The bullet was a clear shot, as always. It was aimed at the monster's chest, which was low to the sandy ground. The hot bit of lead hit the rock-hard scales and barely penetrated, slag bouncing off into the desert sand.

A hiss of blood hit Zaroff’s face as the thing leapt towards him. He ducked just in time to dodge one of the blade-like claws, and with a swift motion rolled several feet across the sand.

A huge blast of sand kicked up into the air as the creature hit the ground. It grunted and turned, mouth dripping with saliva in the anticipation of the kill.

Zaroff wiped a droplet of sweat from his forehead, his gun still pointed at the thing. He drew a bead on the monster’s neck, waiting for the moment where the fleshy underside would be perfectly exposed. The creature charged at him, mouth agape. The hunter couldn’t get a clean enough shot. With only three bullets left in his gun, he had to make every one count. Amidst this shot, Zaroff pulled a bold move. He charged at the creature, who’s shoulder was a mere two feet off the ground. As he neared it, he jumped upwards and ran along its back, firing a shot at its spine.

Zaroff leaped off the creature’s back at the start of the tail. He turned around, hoping his shot was good. The creature shook itself, attempting to shake off the blow.

“Dammit,” he cursed. He had hoped that the shot would hit the spinal cord and paralyze it. Perhaps the creature’s skin was too thick.

Two shots left, he thought. He aimed at the creature again, which seemed to be growing annoyed at its prey. It looked at him, hissing. It charged forward again, Zaroff simply sidestepped a few feet to dodge it. However, what he did not anticipate was that as the creature passed him, its tail lashed outward, striking the gun out of Zaroff’s arms. The rifle flew a few feet through the air and landed on the slope of the dune.

The creature turned and faced Zaroff, knowing it had beaten him. Zaroff almost realized this too, as he could not run for his gun because the creature was far too fast for him.

The creature screeched and reared backwards, raising up its back haunches. Zaroff simply stood there, looking the thing in the eye. He realized that the creature was smart, almost as smart as he was.

In a lightning-fast motion, the creature lunged forward, mouth agape. Zaroff quickly exposed his knife, which he had withdrawn from his sheath several moments earlier. He swung it forward, slicing the creature’s jugular vein.

A wave of blood splashed over Zaroff’s face as the creature crashed to the ground behind him. He wiped his face clean. No creature was smarter than he.

The quarry required no clean up. It was neither good for food nor sport. The socialites who frequented his home would ask far too many questions when they saw it mounted over his fireplace. He left it there for the buzzards to finish up later in the afternoon.

Heading back to his tent about a half a mile away, Zaroff glanced at his watch. It was nearing four o’ clock.

About a mile away, a helicopter flew over the Sahara, heading east. The man aboard had a proposition for Zaroff, one that would require more skill than ever.

[ea_blue]

Cool! I like this one. It throws the reader directly into some action and we get to know the character as he faces a life or death situation. You added pieces of information about him little by little interspersed with action so it never slows its rapid pace. Your descriptions are very good and give me a good sense of the surroundings.

Here's a few specific comments I have:

...swelling dunes stretched hundreds of feet in all directions

When you write it this way, it sounds to me like the desert is only hundreds of feet wide. I wonder if you meant hundreds of feet high? Or maybe that "each dune" was hundreds of feet across? Just a touch of editing would help this, I think.

died this morning of

Tense change: better to use "that" I think.

...dripping with saliva in the anticipation of its kill.

I wonder if replacing "its" with "the" here works better because if you say "its kill" it implies the kill has already been made and the creature thinks of eating it. But if you say "the kill" it sounds more like the upcoming action of making a kill. I'm splitting hairs, I realize. That's just my humble opinion.

The rifle flew a few feet through the air and landed on the ground on the slope of the dune

I think "on the ground isn't needed here because the slope of the dune "is" the ground in a desert environment.

I'm interested in these guys from "Project Genesis". What is Zaroff's relationship to them and is he going to do anything about their blunder? I'm also curious how he came about his special physical abilities and if he has more. Well...I have lots of questions and that's mostly because you have me interested. I expect a lot of this will be answered in later chapters.

Good job! You've made a most compelling start. Looking forward to seeing more.

[Zoidberg]

Thanks Ea, always apreciate it. I will fix them immediately.

Thanks for the comment!

One question, what did you mean by:

Quote:
died this morning of

Tense change: better to use "that" I think.

[jerH]

Originally Posted by DnDDmDb642

Thanks Ea, always apreciate it. I will fix them immediately.

Thanks for the comment!

One question, what did you mean by:

I think he meant his partner "died that morning..."

And I echo the observation on the dunes stretching hundreds of feet. Should have known he'd beat me to it!

I'm anxious to see where you go with this...it's a great opening!

Did I misread, or is there the implication that our hero is a geneticist as well? Sort of a modern day Indiana Jones!

There were a couple of details that I thought were a bit jarring. Five days in the Sahara, three without water? So he headed into the greatest desert on Earth with only two days worth of water? Doesn't sound like the kind of thing an intrepid adventurer would do. But he could have lost his camelback in an earlier encounter with the thing...

With lightning speed, a huge shadow leaped out from under the dune

Leaping from "under" a dune doesn't sit well for some reason...maybe from behind the crest of the dune would be better?

Its eyes were hidden behind thick, scale-covered eyelids that kept the blistering sand out of its sensitive eyes.

Bit of repetition with the eyes there. Better perhaps as "Its sensitive eyes were hidden behind thick, scale-covered eyelids that kept the blistering sand out."

When's chapter two?

[ea_blue]

Hey Dan! JerH got it right. "died that morning..." is past tense as in "died back then" as opposed to "died this morning..." which is like "died just today". A minor nit actually.

[Zoidberg]

Hey Dan! JerH got it right. "died that morning..." is past tense as in "died back then" as opposed to "died this morning..." which is like "died just today". A minor nit actually.

Ok, I fixed it. Thanks.

Did I misread, or is there the implication that our hero is a geneticist as well?

No, you read correctly.

Sort of a modern day Indiana Jones!

Oh, I don't know about that. Zaroff's more of a hunter, not an explorer.

days in the Sahara, three without water? So he headed into the greatest desert on Earth with only two days worth of water? Doesn't sound like the kind of thing an intrepid adventurer would do.

For this, I reasoned that he expected a shorter hunt. He had deeply underestimated his quarry.

Leaping from "under" a dune doesn't sit well for some reason...maybe from behind the crest of the dune would be better?

Actually, the lizard had dug itself into the dune as an ambush tactic.

Bit of repetition with the eyes there. Better perhaps as "Its sensitive eyes were hidden behind thick, scale-covered eyelids that kept the blistering sand out."

You got it.

When's chapter two?

Umm.... well, this part takes place in a massive (and I mean massive) superhero universe. In fact, Zaroff is a very minor character, neither protagonist nor antagonist (or anywhere near them). However, with my friend's consent, I am going to write a series that traces back the origins of Zaroff, and where he goes from here.

Thank you, jerH, for the suggestions.

Oh, and I love your signature, jerH.

[Razor]

I like this. I haven't read everything of yours, but you seem to like the action/thriller time. Which is by no means easy to write. I admire your daring.

Couple things from my opinion.

He had the unnatural ability of going nearly a week without water, whereas most humans could only go three days or so before dying.

I'd take out the red. We figure since you brought up the first sentence that is longer than normal. I'd leave it at that.

A faint shape in the distance moved suddenly, catching him off guard.

With this wording it makes it sound like the thing is coming for him and a lot closer.

With lightning speed, a huge shadow leaped out from under the dune, sending a wave of sand through the air. Zaroff recoiled wildly, covering his face with his arm. The creature bounded over him, arms flailing madly in the air. It landed, sending even more sand flying into his face.

The first sentence is pretty good, and even the second, or third, but "It landed, sending even more sand..." is a little flat. Something like: A thousand tiny tan specks flew as the creature landed and whipped around to face it's challenger, showering Zaroff in hot, dry sand.

Purple who's hands, Zaroff's or the creatures?

It opened its mouth and emitted a menacing screech, exposing its white, razor sharp teeth. Zaroff smiled back at it. They seemed to mimic each other’s movements, and just as Zaroff pulled the trigger on his rifle, the lizard screeched and leapt for him. The bullet was a clear shot, as always. It was aimed at the thing’s chest, which was low to the sandy ground. The bullet hit the rock-hard scales and barely penetrated, slag bouncing off into the desert sand.

I bluified all the repetitive pronouns and then Zaroff, which was used in back to back sentences, and then "the bullet" plus the pronoun also used for the bullet. I would suggest switching it up with things like reptilian monstrosity, or use thing likes 800 lbs of man-made-death to describe the beast, the sly hunter, the slug, hot lead, etc etc.

"Its massive maw lined with razor sharp teeth opened to emit a hideous screech. The hunter's lips pulled back into a menacing smile, as he circled in rhythm with the beast, mimicking its movements. The pair stopped and Zaroff's steady hand took bead on the vulnerable throat. Then, it was a smooth, even squeeze on the trigger, but a split second before the action of the rifle was set in motion the creature sprang. The slug ricocheted of the tough scales of its chest doing no more than enraging the eight hundred pounds of man-made-death.

Zaroff tucked and rolled under the beast's outstretched claws. Coming up to his feet he noticed a small trail of blood, nothing more than a scratch to the reptilian monstrosity."

Zaroff wiped a droplet of sweat from his forehead (to keep it out of his unwavering eyes), his gun still pointed at the thing. He drew a bead on the monster’s neck, waiting for the moment where the fleshy underside would be perfectly exposed. The creature charged at him, mouth agape. Zaroff couldn’t get a clean enough shot. With only three bullets left in his gun, he had to make every one count. If it couldn’t be downed in two shots, it certainly wouldn’t be downed by the third. Amidst this shot, Zaroff pulled a bold move. He charged at the creature, who’s shoulder was a mere two feet off the ground. As he neared it, he jumped upwards and ran along its back, firing a shot at its spine.

Zaroff is used three times.

Dark green: Instead of "his gun" describe the muzzle of the gun and how it never wavers from its mark instead of "thing."

Brown: To plain jane, spice it up.

Light Blue: I didn't get what you meant exactly here, but I do know it seems out of the place in the middle of this action sequence.

Pink: To me its too slow, something like, "leaping up and over the sprawling maw of the squatty creature."

I'm gonna stop now, because you are probably tired of me. Whether you like or not, I like this story and it's the reason I'm doing this. I'm not saying any of this is something you should do, but if you like my suggestions take. If not, then don't.

This is all just my opinion, and others I'm sure will disagree with it. I like Sci-Fi so please keep posting, I love reading it, and this is a good story. Oh and FYI, when I write action for myself, I am by no means good at it, because when you see it playing out in your own head, its hard to know how much detail to put in so the reader can see it, without going overboard with detail and bogging down your action sequences. Like I said at the top, writing action scenes are hard for that very reason.

[Zoidberg]

Thank's a ton, Razor. I haven't talked to you in a while.

Anyway, I always appreciate your comments and suggestions. Some of them I fixed, others I left.

Thank you always.

[-Jim-]

Pretty good start, Dan. I can only echo the others in what they have pointed out. Nothing new to pick on. I like the idea, the character Zaroff is interesting.

I like the "no mercy" approach that you take with throwing the reader right into the action, get a toe in the door, fill me in on the details of the MC later. That's a good tactic.

I enjoyed this and look forward to the next chapter. Nice work

[Zoidberg]

Thanks, Jim.

I like the "no mercy" approach that you take with throwing the reader right into the action, get a toe in the door, fill me in on the details of the MC later. That's a good tactic.

Yes, I enjoy doing that sort of thing very much.

MC?

I enjoyed this and look forward to the next chapter. Nice work

I'm not quite sure about posting new chapters. Still a thought process. Maybe I will, but they may all be prequels. Maybe. Still deciding.

Thanks always for the comments.

[ea_blue]

FYI: MC = Main Character

So many texting conventions in use anymore, LOL, hehehe.

[Zoidberg]

Oh, duh. Thanks, ea.

[timtornado3721]

Hmm... the lizard went down pretty easy with just a knife to the neck but not a shot from a high powered rifle. Odd if I may say so myself. Why not draw out the final blow even more by having the monster tackle him and start trying to bite Zaroff while he holds back the snapping jaws with a hand as the other stabs through the neck into the jugular. The the monster starts to weaken and dies. He rolls the monster off, brushes the sand from his shirt and jeans, then heads back to camp.

Overall the detail on the monster was pretty small and I kinda wanted more of why was it in the Sahara, what had gone wrong earlier, what idiot thought it be smart to let the thing go, and after letting it go why was he forced to kill it. Of course you could simply explain that later. Looking forward to ch. 2.

[Zoidberg]

Yes, Tim, that will all be explained in Chapter 2.

About the lizard, I think I described it as well as I could. For a better idea of what it looks like, look up Dimetrodon on Wikipedia.

About the struggle, that is a good idea, but I like the quick death a little better, no offense. It shows how Zaroff has masterful Hunter skills.

The part with the high-powered rifle and knife is that sometimes not even Bullet Proof vests can stop a knife.

Thanks very much on the comment.

[timtornado3721]

Originally Posted by Zoidberg

The part with the high-powered rifle and knife is that sometimes not even Bullet Proof vests can stop a knife.

You don't know how weird that sounds. A bullet proof that can't stop a knife. A knife proof vest that can't stop a bullet. Next it'll be a bullet/knife proof body armor that's weak against cotton. lol

[ea_blue]

You don't know how weird that sounds. A bullet proof that can't stop a knife.

I beg to differ. A bullet-proof vest works in a "ballistic" situation where an object of very low mass is traveling at high speed. Bullets rely upon a fluid shockwave effect to do their damage. By contrast, a knife is designed to slice between materials rather than mash them into a pulp. It travels at a much slower speed thus does not activate the ballistic properties of a vest. It also has a much higher mass. A knife slicing into a bullet-proof vest may be difficult, but still highly plausible.

[timtornado3721]

Oh, you're talking about the materials that when jarred, like gel-ish corn starch, it hardens. I thought we were talking about hard armor where there are ceramic and metal plates in the vest.

[Zoidberg]

No, I meant soft vests, like mesh Kevlar

[timtornado3721]

Now everything makes sense.

[jerH]

Originally Posted by timtornado3721

Now everything makes sense.

Everything? Really? That's all it took? Damn. Want to take my math test for me?

[timtornado3721]

I took algebra 1 three times. THREE TIMES!!! Are you really sure you want me to take your math test now? lol

[Kalinda]

An interesting start. Jumps straight into action and shows alot about Zaroff in the way he hunts and faces his prey.

Is Zaroff supposed to be not human or a special kind of human? He's able to survive in the desert without water for a week?

One sentence that made me go back and look again was this one:
"Zaroff quickly exposed his knife, which he had withdrawn from his sheath several moments earlier."
It backs up a bit in that Zaroff shows his knife, but the action of drawing it out happened earlier. It just seemed a bit awkward as I was reading it, but it's a minor point and others may not have found it that way.