Explicit [PICK] Guarding Terra

[ea_blue]

Synopsis: Aliens have landed on Earth, but they're only here for tourism. Most of them. Alien war machines have just landed and they didn't come in through the front door. One man tries to make sense of the events that are changing his world. He'll need the help of a strange young woman before he is through.

The starship An'toor'ni, still steaming from the heat of atmospheric entry, slipped between two hills just three miles from the northern California coast as gun positions tracked potential targets below. Hemispherical blisters, housing sensors on its curved bronze hull scanned the ground below and confirmed that it flew along the correct landing pattern. Repulsors fired, and the ship's stubby landing gear extended as it settled in to land at the three kilometer expanse of the New Angels starport. The sprawling domes and towers of the port shimmered in the fields of the latest counter-grav technology. No more than three years old, the starport represented the first gift to humanity from the Galactic Hegemony.

Aliens—eagle-headed and feathered Perigron and lemur-like Trilli'Ngora—exited the ship as tourists from the GH, following their human guides. Baggage towed behind them, they entered the sweeping curves of the Administration building to receive their Terran passports. A bullet train soon took them away to hotels in nearby Phoenix Bay and the smaller, picturesque town of Stormwatch.

Crouching on a hill in the tall grass beside a bristlecone pine, just one kilometer from the starport, a war machine folded its legs beneath it and watched the activities below. CESR-1088/e, a counter-insurgency scout, had not been processed through New Angels. Its arrival in a heavily stealthed assault lander was illegal according to GH law. The sensors of the starport should have detected such an incursion, but CESR-1088/e and the Expeditionary Unit's lander had easily slipped past the scans. The lander lay buried in the ground, far from the scout's position.

It dug its retractable claws into the hard earth supporting wind-blown scrub. The massive, wolfish head of the machine silently shifted, scanning the area for any probes looking in its direction.

Scan completed, and satisfied that no system sought it, CESR-1088/e stood up. The lupine shape of the machine--five feet at the shoulder--rose high above the grass on all four legs. Its dense coat of mono-filaments, covering the machine like fur, rippled in a light breeze. As the machine jogged easily through the golden grass of the California coast, the mono-filaments changed colors to match the plant life. The hundred-micron strands updated their color constantly, perfectly mimicking the background.

CESR-1088/e disappeared into the scrub as it approached its intended target and fuel, in the small city of Stormwatch.

***

Victor Bantay licked his fingers before turning to the GalTech page of the Stormwatch Chronicle. The wicker loveseat he lounged in, scrounged from a dumpster in nearby Phoenix Bay, protested like a talkative cat as he settled into it.

He squinted in the hot September sun and took a drink from his Mojito before setting it back down on the mosaic of pink and tan stones decorating the sidewalk. Savoring the minty drink, he returned his attention to the paper. The Technology section remained woefully empty. The new advances in Nanotechnology and Genetics listed there had emerged more from Humanity's will to catch up than from any help from the Galactic Hegemony. The stingy aliens had refused to help much, claiming that a sudden leap in technology would surely destabilize Human culture. Vic dropped the paper in his lap in disgust and decided to watch the passersby for a while.

Across the street, a family of four Trilli'Ngora snapped pictures of Sam's Hardware store with its bins of tools on sale outside the door. The Lemur-like Trillies, standing as tall as five feet, spoke to each other in their staccato, musical language. Their long, slender ears flitted around constantly, much like their delicate hands, as much a part of their language as their voices. The young ones, still mottled with cream and gray, hadn't yet developed the black and gray splashes of their parents. With the excess energy of children in any species, the young Trillies insisted on hopping sideways to go anywhere, while the adults calmly walked upright on two legs.

They video-taped everything with their small hand-held cameras. Vic watched them with envy. None of the alien species visiting Earth would give up the secrets to the technology inside. The small boxes were hardly any smaller than what humanity produced, but the storage technology alone, reputed to store one gig of Petaflops, could revolutionize computing on Earth. A dozen other features in the cameras, holographic display for one, completely eluded all known efforts to reverse engineer.

For a moment, Vic fantasized snatching one of the cameras from a youngster and sending it to his former contact in the Teams. But he expected that had already been done. He saw no reason to worsen Human/Alien relations if it didn't produce a worthwhile return. Looking back at the paper, he glanced through another article about an alien, a Worgren, reported missing. He looked up at the cloudless California sky and offered thanks that the species of the Galactic Hegemony didn't get too upset about it. With their vastly superior technology they could crush Earth like an eggshell if they wanted.

And that's why we have to catch up fast, he thought, taking another sip of Mojito. The Trillie family slowly made their way down the street pointing out objects of interest to each other. They, like most of the three species of aliens visiting Earth, saw humanity as an entertaining tourist attraction, barbarians hardly worth mentioning except at extra-terrestrial cocktail parties. Humanity was safe for the moment, but Vic knew from the history of his native Philippines what must inevitably happen. The less advanced culture would eventually be seen as a resource to be exploited, and then it was doomed.

We have to change the situation soon, he thought. But how?

***

"Shark" crouched in the darkness of an alley. The ramshackle Pakistani deli on one side and the graffitied Urban Adult Education Center on the other side of him had turned their lights out an hour before at 10PM. He stayed to the shadows, away from the single bare bulb that lit the other end of the alley.

He could see just enough to dig through the purse he'd just stolen. He found $63 in cash and two credit cards. The cell phone he removed slipped in his bloodied hands. He wiped the slick red fluid off on the dank ground and cleaned the phone off on his Death Alien tee-shirt. He grinned through rotting brown teeth. Triton would be happy with him. Still, Shark intended to keep most of the cash for himself. He knew what to do with that. Credit cards and phones were a different problem altogether, one he didn't want to fool with.

He stuffed fifty dollars into his sock. That was for him. The remaining thirteen he slipped into his long, grease stained coat along with the phone and cards. He knew better than to try and give Triton a round amount of cash. The bossman would wonder if he was holding out. Guys like Shark usually didn't live long when Triton started asking questions.

Shark was squeezing the red leather purse into the dumpster beside him when the alley's light flickered. He froze. Slowly, not daring to move any part of his body unnecessarily, he crouched low into the shadows. The light flickered again and he cautiously turned his head to see what it was.

All he could see was a shadow. It was big, but four legs and long ears made it clear the approaching thing was only a dog. Shark relaxed a little. Still moving slowly he slipped a long knife out of his boot. The older, southern side of Stormwatch he hunted in had some feral dogs who could be dangerous if approached. Shark knew how to deal with them. He stood tall and kept the knife ready as he moved to the opposite side of the alley.

The dog kept coming, its shadow growing larger and larger. He still couldn't see it and began to wonder why. How big could it be to make a shadow like that, he wondered to himself. It didn't make a sound; no whining, no growling, and no clacking of claws. The skin on Shark's neck began to prickle as he realized that something was very wrong.

Staring intensely at the spot where the dog should be, heart racing, his mediocre mind tried in vain to make sense of what was happening. The muscles in his legs quivered, almost rebelling against his confused, unresponsive mind. He started to move a step forward when the air before him shimmered and flickered. The shimmer gained solidity and formed into the head of a giant metallic wolf gazing down upon him. Blue light filled the almond shape of its eyes; patterns like printed circuits shot across the fields of azure. Gleaming metal teeth shone within its gaping jaws, the gun-metal incisors easily reaching four inches long.

Shark's muscles failed him; his knife clattered loudly on the ground as his mind tried to grasp an impossibility. He tried speaking but only managed a whimper. No way, he thought.

It was his last.

CESR-1088/e struck fast, catching Shark's head in its eighteen-inch long jaws. His skull popped like a balloon. It lifted him by the neck, gulping his body until a metal fang smashed through the right scapula. The criminal's legs began to twitch, fluttering grotesquely in the air. With the body more firmly in its jaws, the machine whipped the bleeding mass through the air and released it. Flying across the alley, the mangled corpse broke the sound barrier before its bones pulped against the brick wall, arms and legs twisted into impossible bends.

A few crushed bricks fell forlornly out of the wall as the machine took the corpse's left leg in its jaws. Grinders in its head spun up and shredded the flesh and bone into a paste. Suction tubes pulled the bloody mass into its fuel centers for processing. Piece by piece, it consumed the body.

When CESR-1088/e finished its work, all that remained of the thief was a blood stain and a few shards of cell phone.

*To be continued*

[D-min]

WOW *epic applause* very good! I love it! I don't generally read Sci-Fi, but this one had me wrapped up like an asylum patient. I like Victor, he seems to have a god grasp of what's bound to happen. It would make sense that because we're weaker and obviously nowhere near as intelligent as the alien races that we would be nothing but a milestone to their culture. In fact, it would make perfect sense because coming up with all that technology would require massive amounts of resources, after a while they would have to run out(unless they developed some way of recycling all resources).

~~~

I only saw a few issues with the story, just little trips that kinda confused me.

The Trillies. Does that refer to the family's surname (if the aliens those sorts of things) or their species? I just thought that that could be clarified, I dunno, maybe it's only me.

~~~

"Will Golic, aka "Shark", crouched in the darkness of an alley"

I think you made a little slip with comma placement, just a little booboo. I like to think of the quotation marks as pants and the comma as my... er... "tool." Not saying that it's that small, however, I certainly don't want my "tool" hanging out of my jeans on display for the whole world to see.

I think that with this line, you may also want to switch the names around

ex. "'Shark,' aka Will Golic, crouched..."

Because you refer to him more as Shark, that is who you should introduce him as. It would be another thing if you introduced him with:

"His name was Will Gomic, but most just called him Shark."

It's just a thought, my mind got kind of mixed up at that part.

~~~

"Gleaming metal teeth shone within its gaping jaws, the gun-metal incisors within easily four inches long."

This line paints a very nice picture, but I stumbled, tripped, fell and had to stare at what I tripped on for a minute before I realized what happened. The word that tripped me was "within."

A very nice word, but it could be one of two things where you positioned it. My theory was that you were trying to say that the teeth themselves were approximately 4" long. The other way it could be taken is that the teeth inside were easily 4" long. Also, you already used "within once" in that sentence, I'd recommend removing one. Try something like:

"Gleaming metal teeth shone within its gaping jaws and the gun-metal incisors were easily four inches long."

You will also notice that I replaced the comma with an "and." I'm pretty sure that, when you are only connecting two sentences or phrases, a comma isn't needed. Not necessarily a needed change, I just don't think that it's 100%.

All in all, a great read. I'm looking forward to further installments in this little series. If you patch those few things up, the story should run like a nose on steroids sorry, laughing at myself there... lol. Wonderful work, keep at it ^_^

[Vorcla]

Hmmmm.... a mechanical werewolf. The lycanthrope of the future.

Nice concept, eric. I like where you're going with this, and look forward to the next chapter. And i don't think it's too gory - plus, you warned people.

Nice job...

[ea_blue]

Hey D-Min - You made some great catches.

I fixed the line about the Trillies to read: "...the species formally called Trilli'Ngora, Vic reminded himself...". Hopefully, that will make that clearer. The introduction of Shark has been changed to "Shark, aka Will Golic,..." since that seems to be the correct format for aliases. The part about the fangs was definitely an 'oops' moment. The extra 'within' is probably an artifact from editing. I've changed it to, "Gleaming metal teeth shone within its gaping jaws, the gun-metal incisors reaching four inches long."

Thanks so much for the sharp eye and the kind comments. I always appreciate a good eye for detail. Glad you're enjoying it.

Hey Vorcla - well, not quite a werewolf, hehehe, but certainly a mechanical wolf. It's got a few fun tricks up its pelt nonetheless. The next chapter is essentially done. I'm holding off for now to be sure it blends well into the still-unwritten chapter three.

I'm glad it's not too gory. I just hope that such parts make sense to the story and don't appear to be present *only* for shock value. Thanks much for reading and replying. I really appreciate it.

[Zoidberg]

Great Job, Ea. This was great.

I enjoyed the whole scenario, about alien tourists and such.

The description and workings of the CESR was great. I really liked it.

There's not much I can really say. I didn't catch any mistakes.

His skull popped like a balloon

Unfortunately for my psyche, when I read this it created a great (well, vivid, actually) image, and I imagined the noise as well. Great Job on that.

Overall, the concept, imagery, and little action have been great. I look forward to the next installment.

[ea_blue]

Thanks Dan. I think Earth's first alien visitors are likely to be tourists, visiting us the way Americans visit the hill tribes in Thailand (the ones where women wear stacks of rings on their necks) and stare at them as oddities. I plan for this to be a theme in the coming chapters, where all of humanity is treated as a backwater oddity. But just like Thais, humanity has teeth, and pride. Always be courteous to your host...

The skull-popping image affects me the same way, hehehe. I can visualize it all too clearly in mind, so I had to keep it in there. More to come soon!

[Beagle]

The wicker loveseat he lounged in, scrounged from a dumpster in nearby Phoenix Bay, protested like a talkative cat as he settled into it.

That's by far the best simile I've come across in a long time.

On a more critical note, I feel your uses of the word 'alien' in the first couple of lines are a bit generic and don't really show the reader what you mean, at least I found it to be that way. Are we supposed to see silver flying saucers and little green men? This becomes clearer later on but you might want to be a bit more imaginative with the initial descriptions.

I love how dangerous and efficiently the CESR-1088/e operates. I was a bit curious as to why it was wolf-shaped when it was of alien origin, did I miss something? In my mind I decided it was because CESR was specifically designed for use on Earth.

Wonderfully written and very engaging all in all.

[ea_blue]

Hey Beagle - Thanks for reading. Glad you enjoyed the simile. Once in a while I get lucky and get a good one.

I feel your uses of the word 'alien' in the first couple of lines are a bit generic

I see what you mean. I tossed it around a little too easily. I just made a couple changes so that 'alien' is either described or used less in the intro.

I was a bit curious as to why it was wolf-shaped when it was of alien origin

It's 'wolfish'. It's still a machine and isn't really intended to fool anyone into thinking it is a wolf. It is essentially built like a four-legged predator. This form lends itself to high-speed sprints. Because of its shape, any four-legged creature will run faster than a two-legged one, and much faster than a six -legged one, especially if you build in the flexible spine like a Cheetah. So saying it's 'wolfish' or 'lupine' is a general description of what it looks like. More details about why it was built that way are coming...

Thanks for the kind words and the comment.

[timtornado3721]

Bloody hell mate. That last scene was a gruesome sight to behold. Is there any other plot to this story besides us getting eaten by some robot wolves?

[ea_blue]

hehehe. Yeah there is. Part 2 has another gory scene but you'll also meet Lolita with a strange talent/curse. Part 3 has no gore at all, just character building. Stay tuned!

[Bluejay]

This looks to be off to a flying start. You've painted the scene well, introducing the parties involved (so far) and building some suspense to be dealt with later. I'm looking forward to continuing on.

Some things that jumped out at me (remember, these are just impressions as I read):

CESR-1088/e, had not been processed through New Angels.

At this point, we have two ships, neither of which is named, with one watching and the other being watched. So when I first saw "CESR-1088", I wasn't sure which was being referred to. I eventually was able to figure it out, but I stumbled there a bit (went down the wrong path initially) and had to recover. (Since there's a stray comma there, I wonder if you used to have more words. ) It's also a bit tweaky even still for me because you mention "war machine" and then "stealthed assault lander". In the end, I would assume the "war machine" came from the "lander", since it's miles away, but then technically it's the lander that landed and was not detected. So does that make the lander "CESR-1088/e". (See what happens when I think too much?)

- the species formally called Trilli'Ngora, Vic reminded himself -

I almost hate to mention it, since you added it in response to another comment, but it feels awkward to me. Perhaps he would actually be thinking of the race's former name right then, but it felt contrived. I think you could easily do it like this to make the implicit connection:

Across the street, a family of four Trilli'Ngora snapped pictures of Sam's Hardware store with its bins of tools on sale outside the door. The Lemur-like Trillies, standing as tall as five feet, spoke to each other in their staccato, musical language.

Good foreshadowing in this section, by the way.

Shark, aka Will Golic, crouched in the darkness of an alley.

Ok, I'll hit this one, too, mostly because of this line:

When CESR-1088/e finished its work, all that remained of the former felon, Will Golic, was a blood stain and a few shards of cell phone.

The way my mind works, even though I read the "Will Golic" bit to begin with, it soon slipped away, and he became Shark. So the name "Will Golic" again at the end jarred me. I have two thoughts:

1) If this is a one-time thing and the character will never be referenced again, I'd drop the name altogether. Leave him "Shark", without the extraneous detail.
2) If you do need him again, you *could* phrase the above as:

Will "Shark" Golic crouched ni the darkness of an alley.

losing the "aka"..

And I think the last line reads fine as:

When CESR-1088/e finished its work, all that remained was a blood stain and a few shards of cell phone.

(But is it "was" or "were"? Hate that. )

Both the name and "former felon" threw me. (Did he used to be a felon and now no longer is? Has he come clean? Or is that he's "former" period, now being dead?) Regardless of the meaning, it just felt like too many words.

And finally:

The shimmer gained solidity and formed into the head of a giant metallic wolf gazing down upon him.

I know why you italicized "down", but I think it's better if you don't.

All in all, a good read, and I'm looking forward to more in the next installments.

[ea_blue]

Hey Bluejay - I was seriously hoping for a review from you.

Okay, I think I can see how the confusion arises about the difference between CESR-1088/e and the lander it arrived on. I'll try to fix that. I'll be cutting out the unnecessary wordiness regarding Will "Shark" Golic in the piece. His role in the story is to die unpleasantly so a lot of detail about him isn't that important. I'll trim out some details as you suggest.

I think I will keep the "former felon" bit, though. It's just a tiny slice of humor. You guessed correctly. It's hard to be a felon when one is longer alive to "fellonate", hehehe, thus the "former" appellation.

Thanks so much for you insightful comments. I truly appreciate it!

[-Jim-]

Very cool story so far, ea. I must say that I'm not a huge fan of science fiction writing, but the way you write isn't like typical science fiction. You involve your reader a great deal in your style which give your writing style a uniqueness that I haven't seen before. From what I've read of you, doesn't matter what it is, it is easy to get involved with the story and loose yourself in the environment.

You have a very easy and mellow writing style, it's comfortable for the reader and that is very important, especially when writing about the fantastic.

I really didn't see anything that stuck out, I think others may have pointed those things out to you and you fixed it up. A very cool story so I'm gonna move right along to the next part. Excellent work here, ea.

[ea_blue]

Thanks Jim. I really appreciate the comments. I am focusing a lot on making the reading very smooth and easy in this one in particular. It takes a lot of work, but your thoughts easily make it worthwhile. Good to hear that it's working. I hope the coming parts read as easily as this one. Thanks bunches!

Bluejay - I've made some additional edits based upon your recommendations. I've decided to drop the felon and Will Golic parts after all. Additionally, I edited the part introducing CESR-1088/e. I've placed it below for quick review.

Crouching on a hill in the tall grass beside a bristlecone pine, just one kilometer from the starport, a war machine folded its legs beneath it and watched the activities below. CESR-1088/e, had not been processed through New Angels. Its landing was illegal according to GH law. The sensors of the starport should have detected such an incursion, but CESR-1088/e and the recon team's heavily stealthed assault lander had slipped past the scans and lay miles away, buried in the ground.

Thanks so much for the comments and suggestions. They really help.

[Gurdit]

An alien starship slipped between two hills just three miles from the northern California coast.

When you start with a very general approach like this, it kinda highly reduces the drama. It's like you're telling the story in a very matter-of-fact manner.
"So yeah, an alien ship (you know, the one with blisters and sensors) flew in California today. I tell you, Mary, it landed pretty damn exactly where it wanted to."
Ok, admittedly, that's a bad example, but the point I'm trying to make is...why start in a bland way like this? Why not take the name of the ship so we know that it's one specific ship? I might be making a mountain of a mole-hill, but I really think one should have a great start to a story, something that just reaches out and grabs you by the nads and forces you to keep reading.

Blisters, housing sensors on its curved bronze hull, scanned the ground below and confirmed that it flew along the correct landing pattern.

Is that a misplaced comma or grammar gone awry? Is it supposed to be "Blisters, housing sensors, on its curved bronze hull scanned the..."?

Shortly, alien tourists--eagle-headed and feathered Perigron and lemur-like Trilli'Ngora--from

Again here, the use of "Shortly" is kinda bland, as if you're presenting the facts in a chronological manner rather than telling a tale. Also, the keystroke for using an em-dash (—), which I recommend rather than using the double en-dash (--), is ALT+0151 (keeping the ALT button pressed, press 0151 using the numpad—note: it only works if you use the numbers from the numpad, not from above the letters).

following Human guides

Why is 'H' capitalized?

buried in the ground.

Slightly confusing. Is it buried under the ground, or sitting on a hill? If the war machine is sitting on the hill, what is buried under the ground?

The next part about Victor Bantay was really good. Very directly, you one one character involved, and from the way he thinks (and also from your summary), I would say he's your protagonist. We don't get to see much about your character, but this part is so important because it wonderfully tells us about the current setting of the story. I also like how you've highlighted the stealthy goings-on, with the aliens landing a war machine (I presume it's an alien machine), while the humans having "Teams", of which we know nothing yet but the name. Good writing in this part; I have no complaints.

I also want to point out that I liked the part about how the younger Trillies skipped sideways everywhere they went. Good observation about how youngsters tend to do things like that. I also like Victor's thought-process—practical and quick. I hope I get to read more about him and his character soon.

Moving on to the next part now.

Ah, the next piece builds up the tension, eh? Nice, I like it. If there hadn't been so much violence in the writing on SM, this one might have shocked me a little, but now I'm used to it. What I do like, though, is that you've not overdone it. You've spent just the right amount of time and words on describing the action. Good job.

I don't think I have much more to offer in terms of a critique right now. This is a relatively short part, compared to some of the many others we have on SM, and the story doesn't progress much. It's more like a display of how things are.

If I absolutely HAD to nit-pick at something, I'd say I didn't like Shark's introduction. He got too extravagant an intro for a very minor character. In fact, he needn't have been named at all. Even if he was, he should have been introduced more, perhaps, as a petty thief rather than as "Shark". It's a good thing, though, that you gave him bad teeth, a big knife, and blood-stained hands.

Oh, and I guess I ought to mention one more time, that your action-writing is great. Shark's reactions, his muscles failing him, Shark's body crashing heavily against the wall, etc...all have very neat touches. Touché.

I hope the critique lived up to your expectations. On to the next part, but not right now...in a while.

PS: I read a couple of comments before I posted mine, and yes, I must say that the simile about the talkative cat is really good. Heh! You've got a lot of little gems like this one in there, but I've neglected to highlight them for fear that my critique would become too long. On hindsight, I probably should have, so I'll keep that in mind for the next parts.

[ea_blue]

Thanks so much, Gurdit!

Your critique has definitely lived up to my expectations. This is exactly the sort of thing I crave. You and Bluejay are very good at providing explicit details about why you think something is good/bad or right/wrong (and everywhere in between) in a clinical, thoughtful manner. This is the sort of critique I want and need. Feel free to make it as long as you like, even in a PM if you feel appropriate.

I've made some changes in the areas you pointed out. Hopefully the first and second paragraphs are less bland now. Bluejay had pointed out the same confusion you mentioned where the difference between CESR-1088/e and the lander were not clear. I thought I had fixed that but obviously not. Argh! So, I've made a few more changes. I think the difference between them is more stark than before.

I understand if you have other commitments, but I am looking forward to your critique of the next part. On the other hand, don't rush. I'd like the full brunt of your ideas also.

Thanks again!

[Alex]

I thought this was a very good first part, really enjoyed reading, got caught up in what was happening. The wolf machine is a very unique entity in the story.

When the machine eats shark, are you intending to say that the wolf runs off of human bodies (aka blood, skin, whatever,) or are you saying it's gathering information like the rover sent to mars? You know, a robot sent from one planet to another in order to learn more about it.

Anyhow, a really great beginning, just really got interested in reading the next installment.

[ea_blue]

Hey Alex - Glad you enjoyed it. CESR can use any biomass as fuel. So, a tree, a clump of petunias, or a gallon of Penzoil would all work for it. This actually gets explained a bit later, but that part isn't posted yet. For now, the machine is accomplishing two goals at once: refueling itself, and eliminating a destabilizing social element (Shark).

Thanks for reading. I look forward to your thoughts in later chapters.