[kozmit]

End of Mankind, a short of my novel.


Last Words
Jesse Landon

It was August 17th, 2088 when I boarded Chandra; a luxury orbital cruise ship. My wife Sarah and I were to celebrate our honeymoon on our first trip into space. We launched from earth in a space plane named Gagarin V. It was a smooth and extraordinary experience; to look out the plane window and see the bright blue sky fade into a blackness scattered with diamonds. Then the passengers ooed and awed at the sight of the two spoke-wheel shaped cruise ships spinning in perfect harmony. It was The Royal Emerald and Chandra; named after Chandra O'Brien, the first person to set foot on Mars. The only jolting moment was the docking between Gagarin V and Chandra. Our ears popped and suddenly a fresh-cool air breathed into the passenger cabin. We didn't even need to collect our baggage. We were immediately shown to our suite where we were directed to wait for our luggage to arrive along with further instructions and rules for our experience.

The ship was magnificent and beautiful. It was littered with giant windows, giving view to a britght-blue Earth slowly rotating and circling upside down to right side up from your perspective. There were great restaurants, fun dance clubs, exercise rooms, pools, gamerooms and weightless gamerooms, casinos, bars and private weightless rooms. The private weightless rooms were stationed at the center of the giant spoked wheel. Sarah and I had a great night in one of the private rooms. The walls were padded with black leather and dark blue carpet. It had an amazing sound system with an infinite selection of music. There were a total of twelve one-way octagon windows on three sides of the twenty-foot triangular room. Sarah and I discovered one of the fantasies people on Earth have dreamt about since the first rocket carried a man into space. The phrase 'exploration in space' has never been the same. Needless to say, our experience on Chandra was more amazing than I could have ever imagined.

On our scheduled final night of orbit, Sarah and I were at an oldies-party in one of the dance clubs. They blasted music from the mid-1900's and everyone danced and drank late into the night. There was a song playing where the lyrics repeated; dream-dream-dream-dream-dreeeeeam, when suddenly it seemed no one was dancing anymore. Everyone's attention was to the giant window facing Earth. It was on the night side and was submerged in darkness. Only now there was light. Small speckles of piercing yellows and oranges lit up light stars all over the globe. Everyone knew, it was the global war that everybody feared for the last five years. It was happening now. The song continued as the DJ himself was transfixed to the horrifying scene. Nobody said a word, but many women cried and screamed. I kept waiting for the fireworks to subside, but they would not. I held Sarah, and could sense her crying. I couldn't say anything that would make her feel better, for my heart's pounding was enough to communicate a fearful mutual feeling.

We held hands as people started leaving the club. The walking turned into running and shouting among the passengers. Soon all music was off and all emergency lights were on. A voice came over the intercom system and reminded people to remain calm. But they would not remain calm, their Earth as they knew it would never be the same, and they may never be able to set foot on Earth again.

Days later the panic slowly turned into a depressed fearful state. People were urged to consume as little food as possible and the ship turned from a luxury cruise into a life support boat. People brought up the SS Titanic, and how similar our situation is. I talked to Sarah about this and she remembered that there weren't enough lifeboats to save all the passengers. Sarah and I cautiously wandered about restricted areas in search of lifeboats. We found them, using a stolen access card from security personnel. There were a few and they were heavily guarded. They were all open for access, attached to the outside of Chandra, sitting quietly to the enclosed storage and supply area.

Weeks later, when Sarah and I were sleeping in our dark hissing suite, we heard a faint thunder and a light rumble. We scattered to the suite across the hall and watched in disbelief as the Royal Emerald was disintegrating into nothingness. The fire exploded into space and quickly dispersed. The debris seemed to shatter away. Soon the debris was plummeting upon Chandra. Sarah pulled me away from the window by my hand and started out into the hallway. As we ran down the hall where doors started opening, I wondered how the Royal Emerald could have been destroyed. Could they have been hit by a nuclear weapon? Was there a malfunction? The Royal Emerald was older and was considerably less technological. Either way, it was no more. Sarah dragged me down several spiral stairways and 'personnel only' exits until we reached the guarded room and ducked down into an emergency escape module hatch. The hatch was already suctioning to an airtight seal when the six stunned guards turned away from an observational window. We sat and secured ourselves in the first two seats of twelve. Sarah peeled away a bright orange seal from the central control board between us and pulled out the orange lever. We were jetted back into our seats as we shot away from Chandra. Then it became weightless, and the hissing and loud venting noise remained. The small oval vessel misted off into the darkness of space.

We have been able to survive quite sufficiently for the past three months. At first we couldn't sleep for a couple days, then the first time we did, were startled by a loud buzzing on the communication system. It was the final transmission from what used to be Chandra. There is a large amount of packeted food and drums of water packed below the twelve seats. There is a small bathroom and kitchen/disposal area to the right of the ship, all accessible through passage tubes just large enough to pass one weightless body. We left the lights off most of the time, probably in vain.

Eventually an atmosphere-alarm started to abruptly beep, as you can hear and bright lights started flashing a constant strobe out into the void of space. I can't see Earth anymore. It's just another star. Sarah and I may be the only humans left alive, although she is now sleeping and I am too afraid to try and wake her. I'm talking into this emergency module logtrack, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I have this horrible feeling that if I fall asleep, mankind too, will be put to rest. If anyone ever hears this recording, please... give.. That's funny. There's some kind of bright light outside... I don't have the strength to get up and see.. (scrambled static) Oh my Go- (high-pitched buzzing) It's...



(blip)-"End of recording. Thank you for using Omnitec Digitalware."

[BLuv]

Good scenario, though the story moves really fast. This could make a really good opening chapter to a larger work. The final line is particularly interesting, and opens up to many different scenarios beyond this story. The twists and turns are good, but would probably be most effective if the pace of the story was slowed down so the reader can take time to appreciate them. Of course, this could develop the story into something much larger. I enjoyed it -- reminiscent of Arthur C. Clarke and Phillip K Dick

[sensitive1]

This was really interesting. It would make a good book, I think.

[kozmit]

Originally Posted by sensitive1

This was really interesting. It would make a good book, I think.

__Yes, this is a very shortened version of the novel I am currently writing.....

[WingcommanderIV]

You should change the end line, "End of recording. Thank you for using Omnitec Digitalware." into "Monty Python and the Flying Circus"

[DisenchantdMuse]

Ah! Cliffhanger, they are soo mean, but so good all the same.

I really think this is interesting and would definately be intrested in reading any part of the novel that you are working on.

Good Job!

[One_Man_Band]

Good premise for a book, as a short it suffers from cramping to much info into a condensed space....I will be interested to see progress on the novel version

[superbum]

I agree it would be much better if it had time to develop, but I'm still wondering what he saw, that's gonna bother me for a while. A good sign that I got into the story.

[ejenk21]

Soon the debris was plummeting upon Chandra



This halted me. It suggests that Chandra should be damaged, possibly very badly. In fact, I thought, hit by debris from an explosion, it ought to have catastrophic decompression. I suggest you deal with this by explaining that Chandra is armored, or has a magnetic deflector, or the explosion is directed elsewhere, or something.

[Jon%]

This is my first post here so take my comments with a grain of salt.

First, it's funny that this is the first story I read at this site because I just finished reading an anthology called "Bangs & Whimpers: Stories About the End of the World." That being said, I love this premise. I think its perfect for a short story. However:

If this is going to be a short story about an apocalyptic event, you can't spend one-third of your words on what the characters were doing pre-apocalypse. A couple of introductory sentences such as "My wife and I took a week away from the mundane to book passage on an orbital cruise. The ship was beautiful and was afforded every luxury one could imagine. The days passed quickly and on our final evening aboard, we attended a 1950's themed dance. The ballroom had a huge portal with a gorgeous view of the greens and blues of our home planet..."

Great, now that's out of the way, get to the meat! More detail on what happened. More detail on reactions (right now your women cry and your men are stoic, surely reactions would be more varied). Give us more detail about life on the ship after the apocalypse, give us more detail on how the security key was acquired. Add a little character development, some interaction between your main character and Sarah would be nice.

One more minor suggestion. Compress your story down to days instead of weeks. I think things will seem less choppy that way.

That is all. Congratulations on receiving my first post ever on this site.

[brutusshh]

You should probably rethink the two space ships, since they too similar to Kubrick's Space Odyssey
and you are striving for a maximum of originality.

[notjosh]

I like this, it just needs expanding. I wholeheartedly agree with JonnyTall's comments on this.

[angel]

im not so sure josh i think brutusshh rite it needs more distinctionto be individual

otherwise good piece kozmit

[protobion]

Its a good piece, but I think you should paint it more elaborately, less descriptively, and make the second half considerably darker than the first half. Right now, it sounds more like a description and lacks drama.

But, since you said this is a shortened version of a novel, I guess you afforded the above thorns in the side to present the work briefly.

[awelgraven]

This would make an interesting novel. A bit short and quick, but interesting and well written none the less. I'm glad to hear your expanding on it.

[rosetheruler]

I would have to agree with most of the comments posted above. The story was short and could have been expanded on a bit. Though as you stated it was shortened a bit to be posted on here. The story was good, the pace was fast and leaves the reader to fill in the blanks and guess what is really happing. And the way you left it as a cliffhanger was a very good add. Keep up the good work

[jerH]

I'm going to hope that you haven't posted since March because you're busily adding to the full novel version. This is a great premise....its hard to offer anything constructive given that this is a condensed short and I don't know what you have planned for the full version. I'd recommend starting earlier than the beginning of the honeymoon to set the stage for the global thermonuclear war...that was a bit of a sudden development! Please come back and post more....

[RENA HANDS]

A few questions...

1. How was the security card stolen?

2. Why did you only pay attention to Sarah and the husband. There were many other passengers aboard the ship, why not write about them?

3. What caused the war on Earth?

4. Sarah always followed her husband? She never once questioned or wanted to do something else?

I understand that this is only a small bit to something bigger, but the actions were still rushed.

The last few sentences would make a great introduction to the following chapters that are to come. It is a fascinating story.

It was August 17th, 2088 when I boarded Chandra; a luxury orbital cruise ship.

I would suggest replacing the semicolon with a comma.

Then the passengers ooed and awed at the sight of the two spoke-wheel shaped cruise ships spinning in perfect harmony.

A fragmented sentence.

It was littered with giant windows, giving view to a britght-blue Earth slowly rotating and circling upside down to right side up from your perspective.

The word is bright.

The private weightless rooms were stationed at the center of the giant spoked wheel.

The word is spoke the "d" is not needed.

Everyone knew, it was the global war that everybody feared for the last five years.

A comma is not required here.

There was a song playing where the lyrics repeated; dream-dream-dream-dream-dreeeeeam, when suddenly it seemed no one was dancing anymore.

Semicolon not warranted here.

"The Royal Emerald was older and was considerably less technological."

This is a colloquialism error. Adjective such as "empty, perfect, unique," and equal," can't be modified. For example, if something is "perfect," it can't become "more perfect."

At first we couldn't sleep for a couple days, then the first time we did, were startled by a loud buzzing on the communication system.

"At first," a comma needed.

There is a large amount of packeted food and drums of water packed below the twelve seats.

There is a large amount of packed foods and drums of water...

I'm talking into this emergency module logtrack, and I can barely keep my eyes open.

The word is log track.

[Wmason]

Although your flow is exceptional, and your descriptions are animated, I feel that this is neither a short story, nor a chapter in a novel; what you've posted does no justice to your idea, which in my view, is deserving of a novel.