[Nupur]

Author’s Note: Written for a very dear friend (he insisted that I use his name. ). This has NOTHING to do with the Gurdit we all know and love. It is pure fiction and should be treated as such. Thank you.



The calmness in its entirety has drawn me in and tangled my hopes with distress and loss. My words fail to escape from the cold lips of an unknown soul. The anticipation of my pale body urges to lead me onto the path of eternity. I am sublime, I fall; my words are torn apart. I am inhuman; my ambitions are entwined with seething glory. It mocks me; I turn.

It dawns upon me with a sudden inescapable fright. It spreads like blood in milk, melts like ice in water. The world closes in upon me and I gasp, a stifled sob. The reach of a soul that has lost its master, misplaced its guide.

The frigid air around pulls me in, its frosty pearls trickling down my face. I wipe away the wisps of flakes from my tainted skin and climb the steps to hell. I resist the desperation to give my life a last glance and climb downward.

I hear my name called through the air, the naïve speaker sprawled on the ground where I left her wounded in the heart. I ignore the pleas for a change and turn away to let my injured soul rest in peace. She moans, I cry; unshed tears of yesterday. The feeling of loss overwhelms me, and I fall to the ground, frustrated with my own weakness. The blinding gloom of impending disaster flushes my pale skin and I stand. My words are written on a paper without ink, their meaning gets lost in the stars. My heart bleeds and breaks, I yearn to understand the complexity of a simple thing as love.

I refute the claim to desire and run down the stairs in a whirlwind of fury, anger and disappointment which tarnish my soul.

I hear another shout, but it’s too late. I fall into the abyss below, my scream fusing with the cold around me. The ground is soft and my eyes flutter for a second before I feel pale arms on my skin. The hands of a beautiful angel, whose rosy lips I yearn to kiss. I stand on the threshold of life and death, suspended between this world and the next. Another journey to usher in a new dimension to my deeds. I begin to weep and hear a small voice in my ear. It calms me, and I pull the speaker close. The veil of darkness begins to fall and forces me to let go of her soft fingers. She laments as I begin to float, and lets her tears glisten against the backdrop of gloom. I am on the brink of beginning a new existence to my being. I try to lift my hand and touch the curls that adorn her handsome face… but I fail. My hand lies down; its stillness eerie in light of doom. I hear the faint whispers of her voice as I pass into the next adventure.

‘Gurdit… I love you…,’ is the last sound of mortal earth I take into my new life and it will stay locked up in the corner of my dead heart, a treasure I will carry forever until we meet again on the steps of fate.

[Vorcla]

Okay - this couldn't have been easy. Deep and dark, complex, and well-handled. Writing from a male viewpoint - interesting. You did a good job with that.

Nupur, your growth as a writer seems to be exploding at an exponential rate. You took something heavy and made it accessible. Nice job!

[Nupur]

Thanks. I was really worried about the male POV. Thanks for all the help and the edit.

[Lubesh]

Heavy but made light and airy and full ofdepth passion care and love.haunting!

[Nupur]

Thank you very much!

[Gurdit]

After the first read (after my other reads), I can say that though this is really heavy, I stumbled a bit here and there. That could be because I'm an advocate of simplicity, but I still felt like there were some places where perhaps you tried just a tiny bit too hard to keep it so deep.

My words fail to escape from the cold lips of an unknown soul.

I've always thought of the soul as your life-force. It's not really something you can touch. At this juncture of the meeting point of life and death, it's the soul which is still 'alive', but the body which is losing its faculties. The soul is getting ready to depart the body, and hence finds the body unfamiliar and strange, and doesn't manage to get its lips to utter the words.

I am inhuman; my ambitions are entwined with the seething glory.

I don't think you need the definite article there.

It mocks me; I turn.

Couldn't figure out what "it" is.

The reach of a soul that has lost its master, misplaced its guide.

Can't figure out what the soul's master or guide is. Right now, I'm thinking it's something like its conscience or something similar.

I wipe away the wisps of flakes from my tainted skin and climb the steps to hell. I resist the desperation to give my life a last glance and climb downward.

Is he climbing UP into hell or down? This part confuses me.

...where I left her wounded in the heart.

The reason I tripped the very first time I read this was because of that word there. "Wound" to me has always signified a physical injury. So I assumed that the protagonist had stabbed the woman in the heart. She moans as the life drains out of her, and he cries now at having done it.

The binding gloom of impending disaster flushes my pale skin and I stand.

binding? blinding?

a simple thing as love.

If you had said "I yearn to understand the complexity of something as simple as love" it'd fit. However, in this case, I think the word "like" is more apt than "as".

I refute the claim to desire and run down the stairs in a whirlwind of fury, anger and disappointment which tarnish my soul

confusing (to me).

---- will stop here for the night.

Also, I liked it. I liked the concept. I loved the concept and what you're saying. I just think that for me personally, it needs a little polishing. Probably just me though, since no one else commented about it at all.

[Nupur]

Firstly, thanks for the comment. I was waiting for you to see this.

My words fail to escape from the cold lips of an unknown soul.

My subject here is lost. He doesn’t know what life has in store for him. Mentally he’s in a terrible condition. He has changed a lot now, so much that his own body has become foreign to him. That’s what I meant by ‘unknown soul’.

I am inhuman; my ambitions are entwined with the seething glory.

Killed.

It mocks me; I turn.

Seething glory. I’m trying to portray a change in Gurdit (er…’my subject’ sounds a little weird. ). Earlier he loved this girl and was happy with her. Due to some reason, he’s dying. He’s in a state of deep turmoil. I’ll try to rephrase that sentence if it isn’t clear… but not now, because, well, I’m lazy.

The reach of a soul that has lost its master, misplaced its guide.

You’re right, sourliver. (For all those who aren't familiar with the word, this is a term of endearment.)

I wipe away the wisps of flakes from my tainted skin and climb the steps to hell. I resist the desperation to give my life a last glance and climb downward.

Duh! You caught me here! Long story though…

Earlier I had written this such that hell was high above, like heaven. But later on I got feedback from someone (your online ‘dad’), and he said that hell should be down. In many cultures, it’s beneath the earth, and not ‘above’. I changed it in a few places, but didn’t really bother to go through the entire thing again to check for inconsistencies. I apologize for that. My fault.

...where I left her wounded in the heart.

Wound does not always mean a physical injury. It can mean an injury to the feelings too. For more information look at this.

The binding gloom of impending disaster flushes my pale skin and I stand.

Typo. Corrected, thanks.

a simple thing as love.

‘as’ seemed to flow better. So ellipsis killed. Thanks. (GRR Damn you for making me kill my beloved ellipsis! No kiss for you tonight…kidding hehe)

I refute the claim to desire and run down the stairs in a whirlwind of fury, anger and disappointment which tarnish my soul

He denies the desire to stay there with his beloved and runs down the steps to hell. Because he’s denying himself something that would bring a lot of joy to him, he’s furious. And this fury tarnishes his soul. I better rephrase that.

---- will stop here for the night.

Ha! Now I’m going push you to complete your critique tomorrow!

Thanks a ton for the incredibly useful feedback. Personally, I don’t like this particular SoC too much, but now with your comments, I’m going to improve upon it. Thank you!

*big hug*

[Venomous Vixen]

Hands down, my favorite from you thus far... but I fear you will show even this up in no time. The pictures that danced around in my mind while reading this were incredible. It is funny things that strike you most when reading something, and for me it was the "pale skin" which you referenced in the beginning, and then again which only made the image stronger. Something about it just echoed the oncoming death, pale and sickly and it worked so well. Like Rick said this could not have been easy to write but you did it flawlessly, and from an opposite POV. I am beyond impressed, perhaps in awe

[Nupur]

Wow thanks!

[Hirak]

After all the edits this has gone through, there is little left to correct. But here I would like to stress upon a few subtle aspects of writing - which are from my point of view. Note - they may not match with yours.

When a reader is reading a piece (and here I assume the writer writes to be read), then one of the most important concepts of writing that comes forward is the flow. And so, its equally important to place your pauses in apt positions. not too oft yet not too remote. And only where they have an opportune significance. This can never be done when writing, not unless you're God (chuckle!), and hence editing is important even in this instance.

Ok, onto an excerpt:

It dawns upon me with a sudden inescapable fright. It spreads like blood in milk, melts like ice in water. The world closes in upon me and I gasp, a stifled sob. The reach of a soul that has lost its master, misplaced its guide.

It dawns upon me with a sudden inescapable fright. - Fair enough.

It spreads like blood in milk, melts like ice in water. - Watch out, where is the link? What has blood in milk got to do with ice in water? You're obviously talking about Love, but there is no contrast that you have been able to bring out. I see two totally different things, even if they are liquids. Rather it could be -

It forms like moulded lava, melts like ice in water. - It may not be the best example, but trying to make my point here.

The world closes in upon me and I gasp, a stifled sob. - Note that you had a pause in your last line, which was for people to understand your point. But this one makes no sense to me. Why hamper the flow here? When you can simply pen a lucid line - "I can almost feel the world closing in upon me." Your gasp and stifled expressions are too earthly.

The reach of a soul that has lost its master, misplaced its guide. - Another pause. This one would probably work well if you didn't have all three lines in tandem with paused interiors. Now while this is nothing absolute, but it has come out a very broken paragraph.

Ok, I'll skip most of it, and come to one more sentence.

The hands of a beautiful angel, whose rosy lips I yearn to kiss.

I don't consider this sentence as able to stand single-handedly.

There are too many I's in the last sentence. Maybe a few changes can go. Like - I am on the brink of beginning a new existence to my being. - can be:
It is the brink of beginning to a new existence of my being. - or something.

Just a few thoughts.

Hirak.

[Nupur]

Thank you very much for that absolutely terrific comment. Thanks for pointing out my flaws and telling me where I can improve. I'll definitely go over this one again.

[Hirak]

Don't go over this again - that would be too boring. Rather keep in mind for a new one.

Hirak.

[RENA HANDS]

What about...My (broken heart) bleeds, I yearn to understand the complexity of a simple thing (such) as love.(?)

Should it be ‘tarnishes,’ ,anger and disappointment which (tarnishes) my soul.(?) (For u r in the process, action of ‘tarnishing ur soul.’)?

Is there only one ‘scream,’ ,my (screams) scream fusing with the cold around me.(?)

U ‘pull the speaker closer,’ or u ‘push' urself closer to the speaker.(?)

Isn’t ‘handsome’ more masculine than feminine? Maybe...I try to lift my hand and touch the curls that adorn her exquisite face...(?)

A MARVELOUS tale. The imageries are Superb! The feelings, the expressions of sentiments...intensely captivating. A rating 5 of 5.