[Gurdit]

I bought a gun, black and silver. It glistens in the sun, silently melancholic. Under the summer sky, the metal brushes my forehead, cold and fresh. I like the way it feels.

Each magazine houses nine bullets with sharp heads, painted gold and silver. I could make nine holes in you, and then some more, for each time I've felt like killing myself for you. I could put nine holes in me before I die, before I watch myself bleed to death. I wonder if the numbness will overbear the pain or will it be the hurt that triumphs over the numbness?

I grip it tight, heart racing faster, beating louder than it ever has. I can feel it like a bass drum, drumming in my throat, my ears, my head. So cold and powerful, and I haven't even touched the trigger yet...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see you with him. The drum beat stops. The numbness comes over me. Have I pulled the trigger on feelings? No! I look at the gun, a useless piece of black scrap metal. All of a sudden, I hear a dull thud. I grab at my chest at the sound of a breaking heart! I could take aim at you and him, and my pointed gold and silver bullets would leave you broken physically, broken beyond repair, broken unto death. But you have won instead. Without a tool in your hand, your invisible bullets have ripped through my flesh, leaving me broken emotionally, broken beyond repair...

I bought a gun, black and silver. It glistened in the sun, violently loud. Under the summer sky, gold ripped through my skull, hot and quick. I liked the way it felt.

[Nupur]

This was... for lack of a better word, painful. Your writing is at its best and you've created a very powerful piece of prose here. You started out well, a line with internal rhymes enhancing your flow. The line was simple, and yet, as you elaborated, it made me look at the broader sense of what you're trying to express. Each word was perfectly in its place, exactly the way it should be. Personally, I feel that the penultimate paragraph could do with a lesser number of exclamation marks, but it works very well as it is.

The beginning and the end were both very well planned and executed. Welcome back, 'The guy who writes about suicide'.

[Venomous Vixen]

But you have won instead. Without a tool in your hand, your invisible bullets have ripped through my flesh instead, leaving me broken emotionally, broken beyond repair...

I have to say, the use of "instead" twice here was the ONLY thing that put me off about this... the rest was just, flawless. I miss these from you, concepts that you touch on that get someone really thinking... the logic in a mind on the brink of anything but. Ah and then the end, the tying of the beginning to the end, yet changing it to what I can only assume was suicide, as Nupur mentioned. Just fantastic Tid, and yes, he's back Awesome to see! (Give this one a damn title!)

[Gurdit]

You started out well, a line with internal rhymes enhancing your flow.

Intentional.

Personally, I feel that the penultimate paragraph could do with a lesser number of exclamation marks

Fixed.

I have to say, the use of "instead" twice here was the ONLY thing that put me off about this

Must have been a typo, the second one.

(Give this one a damn title!)

I really tried so hard to think of one, I swear! I couldn't come up with anything. Tell me a title and I'll use it.

[Venomous Vixen]

Haha, you are asking the worst person for a title... I would say something like "emotional bullets" or "shot through the heart" haha yes, never consult me in title matters, any one else have any suggestions!?

[Gurdit]

Originally Posted by Venomous Vixen

Haha, you are asking the worst person for a title... I would say something like "emotional bullets" or "shot through the heart" haha yes, never consult me in title matters, any one else have any suggestions!?

Hehe, I'll stick to "Untitled" till then

[Vorcla]

Wow. Gut-wrenching, Gurdit. And you seem like such a happy guy! Well- executed and smoothly written; I like the way your style lends itself to the flow of this piece. Hard to read (subject matter, not the writing). Brilliant.

[Gurdit]

Thanks, and I AM a happy guy!

(ok I lied about that part )

[Zoidberg]

Brilliant. It's pretty short, but I couldn't see you writing any more. The way it is written is, as said before, flawless. I loved how you linked the first and last paragraph together. Excellent.

[Gurdit]

Originally Posted by DnDDmDb642

Brilliant. It's pretty short, but I couldn't see you writing any more. The way it is written is, as said before, flawless. I loved how you linked the first and last paragraph together. Excellent.

Thanks, I remember you once posted a comment on something else I posted (with a username like that, it's kinda hard to not notice/remember you ). Hope to see you more around, perhaps spend a little time in the Little Cafe so we get to know you?

[RENA HANDS]

Again, very graphic and eerie. A fantastic illustration of, the conflict between peace and war even if it’s of the mind. (in my opinion.) I give another 3/5!

[Gurdit]

Thanks Rena.

[Brandeno41]

liked it, are all your poems like this

[Gurdit]

Not all, but quite a lot are. The ones in this section (Steams of Consciousness) are similar, I guess.