[Mr Morbid]

Synopsis: What would you do if you found out a terrible secret about yourself?

I screwed up. The things I have done, no man should ever think of doing. It’s not my fault. I’m not sure if you’ll believe me, but it’s true. Apparently I have some sort of condition. I get mad, and then I black out. When I wake up I have no idea of where I am or what I’ve done, but occasionally I come round covered in blood that isn’t mine. Once I woke up with a gun in my hand. I felt this condition was something I could just live with and tell no one about. That was until I got caught.

The photos they showed me were horrific, disgusting. All of them were pictures of mutilated bodies, some with missing limbs, others with their chests torn open, exposing what was left of the internal organs. The Shrink came in and analyzed me, said I had some sort of psychosis, whatever that means. I was allowed to go, mainly because they didn’t have anything to pin the murders on me. But there was no doubt in my mind that I did it.

So here I am, a few hours after I was released, sitting in a rented motel room. Gun in one hand, a bottle of something alcoholic to suppress the fear in the other. I couldn’t believe I was going to end it, but I felt better ending it myself, than someone else ending it for me. I want to get away from myself, this psychosis thing, those murders. I can’t live like this, knowing what I am responsible for. It all has to go away, become someone else’s problem. I want to kill the unforgiving monster that lives inside of me. Nerving myself up, I lift the gun, putting the cold steel of the barrel between my teeth, the metallic taste reminding me of blood. I pull back the hammer. I see my reflection in the mirror, tears I hadn’t noticed were running down my cheeks. Taking a deep breath, I pull the trigger…

[Nupur]

You write very well. Your command over language is very good, like this SoC proves. One problem you have is with repetition. You tend to use the same words again and again, sentence after sentence. This makes whatever you're writing slightly repetitive. Please try to avoid that in the next few things you write.

Where this one is concerned, I thought it was very well written. The subject was tried and tested but nonetheless you have put it forward very well.

[Mr Morbid]

Thanks (Ten letters)

[Jimbalaya]

I though the writing was very good, Nathan. I have trouble with these kinds of things though. I don't know if it's the point of view or what (I think it is). It's all in the last line.

I pull the trigger...

First person and present tense actually makes this impossible. I think that is what gets me. He couldn't be writing "I pull the trigger..." as he was pulling the trigger, know what I mean? Now, if it went on to say something like: ...the hollow click of the hammer filled my head with dread...or something, I could deal with that because he actually didn't die and is still writing this account.

So, I think this sort of thing is better done in the third person or past tense. Aside from that, I thought it was an interesting read. Keep up the good work!

[Gurdit]

Well, I've written something like this. Not quite in terms of the psychosis, but in terms of the protagonist pulling the trigger on himself, and I wrote everything else in past tense, and the trigger part in present, and to be honest, I loved the effect. I think that the action of pulling the trigger on yourself can be done very well in the present tense. The secret to viewing it right would be that you have to imagine that the protagonist is going through things as you read it, and not that the protagonist has lived through the experience to write a story about it. It's all happening in the moment. The protagonist is holding the gun in his mouth. How does it taste? Like blood. Then what happens? *BOOM* He pulls the trigger. And then what happens? No one knows because he's dead, and the protagonist himself perhaps doesn't know what happens or what happened after death.

Anyway, the one thing I noticed in comparison between what you have written and what I have written is that what I wrote was quite a bit darker, in a poetic way. Now you've written about some kind of psychosis, so I wouldn't quite mind if you didn't make it poetic. However, you have written about a condition where the protagonist has a condition that makes him an involuntary killer. Now you have captured some of his emotions quite well; like how he describes his killings, and the tears at the end.

I still, however, somewhat feel like you kinda took an idea and ran with it. I would have much preferred if you walked with it. I would have loved know how the police end up suspecting him. I would have liked to know exactly how he reacted when he found out it was him doing this. There ought to be a terrible turmoil in his head when he sees it. When the police psychologist diagnoses him with the psychosis, why is he left free to go? etc. etc.

However, your concept is pretty good. I liked it. I wanted to write something similar myself. I've been mulling over it for months, perhaps years, now.

"Some Kind of Monster" -- did you like St. Anger, the album? I thought it was ok, except for a lack of guitar solos/leads.

[Mr Morbid]

Thanks for the info and support you guys. To be honest, I wasn't expecting this to be put in the Advanced section.

And yes, tidruG, I got the name from the St. Anger album. I didn't mind it, but I'm waiting for the new one to come out sometime later this year.

[Zoidberg]

Nice one. The present tense you used is sort of risky in this situation, but I think you pulled it off pretty well.

As tidgruG said, you conveyed the emotions pretty well.

Sounds like something tidruG would of written, lol.

[Mr Morbid]

Thanks. tidruG's actually written something similar Untitled (III)

[Timmay]

good god!

well, that was interesting, to say the least.

my one issue, and this is more of a matter of opinion than a true problem with your writing, is how incredibly dark this passage is. it's scary, but not in the horrific way. It's scary in that rediculously psychotic way. And there in lies the problem; your language doesn't at all match that of a psycho killer. grant you, your character may actually be a separate person than the killer, as such the words he use aren't psychotic, but still, it just doesn't match (remember, this is all just my opinion. you might be aiming to create such a character.)

In some ways, i think it would have been better if you left the crimes of your character unknown. instead of being told what he sees in the photographs, you could leave that up to the readers imagination; i think it might have more of an impact.

['Ginnis]

Interesting piece. You know, I found something (I'm about to go off on something you probably don't care about, skip forward for thing that actually pertain to you personally) that I had begun a while ago about a crime team tagging a killer much like yours. The opening line was actually "Imperative psychosis?" No big deal, I just found it ironic and was thinking of tag writing...then you went and killed him.

It's a creepy feeling, re-examining your own thoughts and emotions. To improve this (not that it's bad or anything, just always looking for ways to lengthen stuff, while good this is quite short and you have plenty of options for expansion if you so desired) I'd recommend expanding on what happened. We only know so little about your character and are thus limited in how much pity we have for him. Hell, is it even a him (gender ambiguity can be a beautiful thing). The more we know the more we can relate and the more we can relate the more tragic his can become. I like the briefness, there's a lot to be said for keeping things short and sweet, but equally important is development. Great start though. Very true to SoC.

[Peppy]

There’s a nice voice in here. I kind of feel sympathetic toward the main character. It’s pretty convincing and real that this could have been actually written by someone with psychosis - or I‘m just thinking that because I lack psychology (but not by much).

You should try writing more pieces, I’d be interested on what you’d write next.

[RENA HANDS]

You have an extremely disgusting SOC here. Disgusting meaning that is just wickedly BRILLIANT! The illustration of imagery and extension of suspense…SUPERB!