[Venomous Vixen]

She never rewound her movies; it was all I could think as she walked out the door. Why, in post-reflection, after hours of dissecting writing and acting, would you not press rewind and let it do its work while you pondered.

She was always like that, too busy to stop and rewind for a moment, start back at the beginning and retrace her steps. No, she was always going one direction and it was never backwards, and often I sat in the dust of her running shoes, lost in the whirl that was her.

ADIDAS, that’s what the bottom of those old ratty shoes read, and it was the last thing I saw as she walked out of my life, leaving me in a pile of unwound movies and my endless thoughts that always kept me far behind her.

I heard about her from time to time, climbing the corporate ladder, in her new posh apartment with new running shoes I imagined. Did she still wear ADIDAS? Was her floor still cluttered with papers she never took the time to go back over and smooth out? Did she ever stop and think of me, of the life that was once ours and now halved into mine alone? No, that was silly, she never stopped for anything, most of all me.

I imagine when the reaper comes knocking, even then she will power through in her know-it-all stance, laughing with her head thrown back as her ticket is punched. And on that day, I’ll still be sitting here, lost in the world she left, cluttered with the imprint of ADIDAS and these unwound tapes. I will still be pondering why you would not just press rewind.

[Vorcla]

You know what I think of this one, hun. The first sentence reaches out and grabs you by the 'nads. The hurt and anger is well-described and channeled, and your character description is very perceptive. So much can be told by what a person leaves behind, by what they think is important - or not. You've capsulized a life in a few bold strokes. Again, your progress at prose is amazing!

[Venomous Vixen]

Thanks hun

[Gurdit]

You know what I think of this one, hun. The first sentence reaches out and grabs you by the 'nads.

Haha, I'm going to have to disagree... my 'nads aren't so easy to reach .

Anyway.

Ok well the first thing that struck me as I read it was the word "clarity". It wasn't just that you've expressed yourself clearly, it wasn't just that you've carried your thoughts and metaphors (oh yes the metaphors... more on them later) well, it's just that your style of writing prose (particularly in this piece, at least) is extreme .... clear. It's neat, it flows really well, and the words seem to have been made for each other in the sense that they were really put together really well. It's all so neat... and that's wha led to "clarity".

A note about the metaphor. You've used one solid one about the running shoes, and it's strong enough to feature prominently throughout the piece. In fact, the core of this piece seems to be the running shoes, but it's fine. (Just a side note : I didn't know that ADIDAS had a lower brand value than others... oh well).

Putting the reaper in... I liked the bit about her powering her way through, laughing as her ticket is punched, etc etc. However, I can't really put my finger on it, but I don't like the sudden introduction of the reaper and stuff, even though that's needed for the closing sentences, which I liked.

I see you've changed the "she" to "you" in the very last sentence. I don't know if you did it on purpose. If you did, then in my opinion, it doesn't work. I'm pretty sure that it reads perfectly to you, but to me, I'd rather you left it as "she".

And finally, I can't really say I see too much emotion here. Yes, it's in your words, but not so much in your tone, I guess. Like I said before, this flows much too smoothly to be too angry or feel some other (negative) emotion too strongly. It feels more like you're simply reflecting on the fact that she's gone, and how she's been after she left rather than how or if she betrayed you, etc. etc.

Now I don't want you to think I don't like this. Because I really do. It was really enjoyable to read because it flowed so well. I don't think you can be called an amateur or beginner prose writer any more. Your style of writing in prose is really good. It's solid and very fun to read, because you don't stop every now and then and point out the mistakes in your head (because there are none). If one has to really find something to complain about, they have to look much much deeper into what you've written, which is what I did here.

[Venomous Vixen]

Originally Posted by tidruG

Haha, I'm going to have to disagree... my 'nads aren't so easy to reach .

Sounds like a dare to me

Anyway.

Ok well the first thing that struck me as I read it was the word "clarity". It wasn't just that you've expressed yourself clearly, it wasn't just that you've carried your thoughts and metaphors (oh yes the metaphors... more on them later) well, it's just that your style of writing prose (particularly in this piece, at least) is extreme .... clear. It's neat, it flows really well, and the words seem to have been made for each other in the sense that they were really put together really well. It's all so neat... and that's wha led to "clarity".

Thank you, I think

I see you've changed the "she" to "you" in the very last sentence. I don't know if you did it on purpose. If you did, then in my opinion, it doesn't work. I'm pretty sure that it reads perfectly to you, but to me, I'd rather you left it as "she".

hmm, it was not intentional, I will look that part over.

And finally, I can't really say I see too much emotion here. Yes, it's in your words, but not so much in your tone, I guess. Like I said before, this flows much too smoothly to be too angry or feel some other (negative) emotion too strongly. It feels more like you're simply reflecting on the fact that she's gone, and how she's been after she left rather than how or if she betrayed you, etc. etc.

Have you ever felt numb? Just so emotionally exhausted that you can only focus on little things, haha like unwound tapes and sneakers? That if you dug any deeper you may shatter the false sense of sanity you are holding on to? Well that was the intent here, numb, lost, left... reflecting on the stupidest things because anything more may send you over the brink.

Now I don't want you to think I don't like this. Because I really do. It was really enjoyable to read because it flowed so well. I don't think you can be called an amateur or beginner prose writer any more. Your style of writing in prose is really good. It's solid and very fun to read, because you don't stop every now and then and point out the mistakes in your head (because there are none). If one has to really find something to complain about, they have to look much much deeper into what you've written, which is what I did here.

Thank you very much, hun

[Lubesh]

The numbness was caught well and portrayed also a nifty piece. love these shorts,which speak volumes and i wonder how, but they do. Very clever.

[Gurdit]

Originally Posted by Venomous Vixen

Sounds like a dare to me

Haha *ahem* (no comment)

Thank you, I think

Yes, that was a compliment. A lot of people put too much at once into their sentences. Then they try to rescue it by making the sentences shorter. You've not compromised on either side here, and it came out wonderfully.

Have you ever felt numb? Just so emotionally exhausted that you can only focus on little things, haha like unwound tapes and sneakers? That if you dug any deeper you may shatter the false sense of sanity you are holding on to? Well that was the intent here, numb, lost, left... reflecting on the stupidest things because anything more may send you over the brink.

Yes, I see that now. I've felt that way quite a few times. It's like a defense mechanism of sorts. Instead of hating the person, you try to focus on all the small things to hate instead... sort of.

[RENA HANDS]

LOVE IT! LOVE IT!

But one question…Was her floor still cluttered with papers she never took the time to go back over and smooth out?

Y not add some or one ‘that,’ here…

Was her floor still cluttered with papers (that) she never took the time to go back over and smooth out?

OR...

Was her floor still cluttered with (the) papers (that) she never took the time to go back over and smooth out?

Its nothing major or significant, I simply inquiry its deletion. I read on in the remainder of the paragraph that ‘that’ was used elsewhere. Perhaps this is y ‘that’ was not used in that particular sentence?

I LOVE, LOVE the bit about the rememberance of the shoes' label...lol

Regardless, I give a rating 5 of 5. The emotional examination of love found and love lost…u have exquisitely illustrated.