[Gurdit]

I wonder ... when you see a shadow, do you think of me? For that's all I have been all along. When you turn the lights off before you go to sleep, I merge with the darkness that envelopes you, touching you, feeling your every breath. I am everywhere around you, silent, watching, holding you in your sleep, comforting you while you dream. In the morning, you awaken, rubbing your eyes, reaching for the comfort of the soft glow of your bed-side lamp; I shrink away, out of sight, out of earshot, a whisper lost in the rustle of your bedsheets.

You shower, dress, hum and drive to work, and I remain with you, hidden behind the curtain, behind your seat, watching over you. If I had turquoise wings, I'd spread them over you to protect you from the evil world. If I had the omnipotence of God, I'd crush your obstacles and take sight away from those who cast an evil eye your way... I smile when you smile.

And then some days, I see you breaking, falling apart gracefully. I hear your stifled sobs, the calling of your aching heart reaching out for support. If only I could reach out to you, if only I could touch you...

If only you'd turn around, you'd see... I've been here all along, waiting, caring, loving ... but you never once called my name.

[Zoidberg]

Once again, Gurdit, your writing is both deep and mysterious. Excellent in every way.

Just one thing. When you said, " If I had turquoise,". What did you mean by turquoise? It's probably just me. My narrow-mindedness is overwhelming.

[Gurdit]

Originally Posted by DnDDmDb642

Once again, Gurdit, your writing is both deep and mysterious. Excellent in every way.

Thanks

Just one thing. When you said, " If I had turquoise,". What did you mean by turquoise? It's probably just me. My narrow-mindedness is overwhelming.

Oooh, you got me! There's a missing word there... it should be "turquoise wings". I had used another adjective for the wings, but I decided to change it and there was deleting and stuff, so...

[Keplaz]

This was fantastic man. I like the way this flows, poetic and lyrical and the sort of images that you sort of inovke. I like the way it feels, it feels personal and intimate and I'm sort of peekling from the window. I'll stop with the weirdness but this was good.

Your mind isn't as twisted as I was beginning to suspect! There is hope for you after all, man.

[Gurdit]

Originally Posted by Keplaz

This was fantastic man. I like the way this flows, poetic and lyrical and the sort of images that you sort of inovke. I like the way it feels, it feels personal and intimate and I'm sort of peekling from the window. I'll stop with the weirdness but this was good.

Thank you very much.

Your mind isn't as twisted as I was beginning to suspect! There is hope for you after all, man.

Oh no! ... Must... write... twisted... story... soon... to... regain... edge... of... insanity... why ... am... I ...typing... like... Batman?

[Storiesmaniac]

or capt'n Kirk...hahahah
That is amazing mate! truely blew me out of the water, i was begining to wonder at the begining of it whether it was some creepy story but the more i read the more amazing it became...this is sheer brilliance!

[Gurdit]

Thanks and yeah, even I felt like I was making it a little creepy in the beginning. It wasn't intentional of course.

[Vorcla]

Man, you OWN Stream of Consciousness, Gurdit. This is incredible; very mysterious and dark, and then hopeful and plaintive. You managed to mix all of those diverse elements together and make them work, and brilliantly. Great job!

[Gurdit]

Thanks, Rick

[smokeytehmonstr]

Three Comments:

One-

I wonder if when you see a shadow, do you think of me?

IMHO, a colon would be better than the "if" in this sentence. As in, "I wonder: when you see a shadow, you do you think of me?"

Two-

I've been here all along, waiting, caring, loving; but you never once called my name.

Technically, a sentence starting with a conjunction is a fragment, and a semicolon can only connect two full sentences. To me, an ellipsis works best after loving, because a comma doesn't necessarily convey the effect I think you're going for. You want that pause between "loving" and the next phrase. The ellipsis allows you to do that.

Three-I really loved this. It's romantic in a dark, creepy, stalker-ish way, really atmospheric and moody. Excellent!

[Gurdit]

IMHO, a colon would be better than the "if" in this sentence. As in, "I wonder: when you see a shadow, you do you think of me?"

I thought about that. I don't quite fully like how I've written the first sentence, but somehow I dislike the colon even more.

Technically, a sentence starting with a conjunction is a fragment, and a semicolon can only connect two full sentences. To me, an ellipsis works best after loving, because a comma doesn't necessarily convey the effect I think you're going for. You want that pause between "loving" and the next phrase. The ellipsis allows you to do that.

Ellipsis! Of course! There was a time when I used to overuse them (apparently). Anyway, you're right. I'll change to ellipsis right away.

Three-I really loved this. It's romantic in a dark, creepy, stalker-ish way, really atmospheric and moody. Excellent!

Thank you, smoky

[Venomous Vixen]

Nitpicky stuff first...

I wonder if when you see a shadow, do you think of me?

Something about the "if when" seems off... maybe you could do without the "if" or the "when" both seem to be unnecessary.

You shower, dress, hum and drive to work, and I remain with you, hidden behind the curtain, behind your seat, watching over you.

Should there not be a comma after hum? I thought when you list more than three things you add a comma before the 'and'.

I wonder if when you see a shadow, do you think of me? For that's all I have been all along. When you turn the lights off before you go to sleep, I merge with the darkness that envelopes you, touching you, feeling your every breath. I am everywhere around you, silent, watching, holding you in your sleep, comforting you while you dream. In the morning, you awaken, rubbing your eyes, reaching for the comfort of the soft glow of your bed-side lamp; I shrink away, out of sight, out of earshot, a whisper lost in the rustle of your bedsheets.

This entire paragraph is incredible... something about the shadows and the night, almost like stolen moments or never being enough to step into the light, there is a lot going on in there... and then the sleep makes me think of dreams, and how they are lost once we wake again. There is also a sense of, hmm... what is the word... not shame but more lack of confidence in the person you write about, like they could never see you as you want... that comes with the use of words like "shadows" "silent" "shrink away" "whisper/lost" etc.

You shower, dress, hum and drive to work, and I remain with you, hidden behind the curtain, behind your seat, watching over you. If I had turquoise wings, I'd spread them over you to protect you from the evil world. If I had the omnipotence of God, I'd crush your obstacles and take sight away from those who cast an evil eye your way... I smile when you smile.

Again, it is the person you write about in their everyday routine as you weave about it... but again you do it quietly, "behind the curtain" "behind your seat". By far my favorite bit is the turquoise wings... one because the stone is known to be one of protective abilities, two because the thought of wings makes me think of flight and then the ability to be swooped away from all of the problems of life and enveloped in strong wings/arms.

And then some days, I see you breaking, falling apart gracefully. I hear your stifled sobs, the calling of your aching heart reaching out for support. If only I could reach out to you, if only I could touch you...

Then this, it is almost like you long to come out from the curtains and shadows... "falling apart gracefully" incredible line... just says it so well, like the person tries to hold it all together and just can't seem to... and the longing, well it is very easy to relate to.

If only you'd turn around, you'd see... I've been here all along, waiting, caring, loving; but you never once called my name.

And this just breaks my heart... again that lack of confidence, never enough feeling comes in... you touched on something so common but you did it with a fresh take. OK, enough gushing, but this is seriously one of my favorites!

[Gurdit]

Something about the "if when" seems off... maybe you could do without the "if" or the "when" both seem to be unnecessary.

I think "if" is more dispensable than "when", but I'm not sure if I want to remove it anyway... I'll discuss this with all my other split personalities and make a decision in the morning.

Should there not be a comma after hum? I thought when you list more than three things you add a comma before the 'and'.

I am not aware of that rule. The reason I didn't put one was because then there would be too many commas, and I thought "hum" was too small a word to put a comma behind.

OK, enough gushing, but this is seriously one of my favorites!

Thank you for a wonderful review. You've seen this picture in colours I didn't think I even used to paint it. Thank you

[smokeytehmonstr]

Originally Posted by tidruG

I am not aware of that rule. The reason I didn't put one was because then there would be too many commas, and I thought "hum" was too small a word to put a comma behind.

Ok, the rule used to be that you would still have to put a comma there, because it was an item in a series. Now, however, the rules have relaxed, and there doesn't need to be a comma before "and" in the sentence you and VV were discussing.

Sorry, I'm kind of an amateur grammarian, so I know this stuff pretty well.

[smokeytehmonstr]

I thought about that. I don't quite fully like how I've written the first sentence, but somehow I dislike the colon even more.

Oh, and like I said, that was MHO. The colon's a little formal...I just agree that the "if when" construction feels off.

[dearest]

Okay, all nitpicking aside, this is great. Moody and dark and romantic in an unconvential way. Very nice. Now:

I wonder if when you see a shadow, do you think of me?

Agree that it's not quite right, but I also agree that a colon doesn't fit the mood of the piece. It makes sense with how it would be spoken, though. Eliminating "if" might be best. You don't real