If he looked up into her eyes, he didn’t see anything reflected back in them. She had no sight to see his image with, she had no love to identify, and she had no recognition. He had wandered far and long in the deep dark night back to her, across years of a slowly forgotten history — back to a happy memory. He returned, but once there, he was only a stranger, a person that had no place. Although he had fled from this country, so long ago, in the end it called him back. He imagined his childhood, a darling dream where nothing changed and where he had a purpose once. He yearned for a home, because he had lost his way.
Her arms were closed to him, her back turned, her lips didn’t recognize his name. In the end, he had imagined her love for him, that young burning, passionate heat. When he was cold and alone, it toasted his insides, warming his heart and shooting sparks behind his eyes. But just as he had abandoned his past, she too had moved on; how could he have forgotten what the months and hours did to you without your beloved? He only selfishly regretted that there was no trace of him left in her.
He turned around, shuddering at the thought of the travel. He was scared and alone. Although he had once departed from this spot, the years had aged him; a trip back into the unknown had become a forbidding task. It was unavoidable—he had been too hopeful, and foolish. Why would she remember a ghost that left her long ago? Maybe one day life would throw her down, and in the back of her mind she’d shuffle through her happiest memories, recalling him and remembering. Then maybe, he wouldn’t have to walk alone.
He moved back out silently, just as he had returned: unnoticed.
Nice. Heartbreaking, really, and more common than you would think. You captured the characters in quick, broad strokes, pulling us right into the vignette. Nicely done, Em.
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"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."
Call to her, you fool! The man has no guts. What does he have to lose?
Good enough, when a reader gets irritated with a character.
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She had no sight to see his image with, she had no love to identify
Couldn't figure this out. No sight? Literally? That seems unlikely. If he looks up into her eyes he is right in front of her. She can't look through him.
To identify what? Him? Does she need love for that minor task?
EJ
P.S. I dearly hope you never experience this. It's hardly fiction.
First, I think the spacing should be readjusted after the Synopsis. There doesn’t need to be so much emptiness in between it and the first paragraph.
Second, Should it be ‘reflect’ instead of ‘reflected’ here…If he looked up into her eyes, he didn’t see anything ‘reflect’ back in them.
Maybe…If he peered up into her eyes, he still wouldn’t have seen anything reflect back in them. (?)
The second ‘whole’ sentence, stream of ideas/imageries seems (to me) incomplete.
Maybe something like…Although he had fled from this country, so long, long ago, in the end his homeland called him back. (?)
Maybe a ‘so’ here…Why would she remember a ghost that had* left/abandoned her so* long ago. (?)
A most Fascinating Read, but I think there’s just too much brevity. It has ‘something,’ but that ‘something,’ I can’t, I have no describable vocabulary.
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I think one of the problems with this is that it has a very hollow story, and hollow characters. They don't pop out and surprise you, it's lacking a little bit. But your descriptions really brought it to life, and the concept of the story brought it to life. So, I have mixed feelings about this. But, it was really an interesting read.
__________________ "Angels lie to keep control. If you still care don't ever let me know."-Slipknot
Very beautiful and full of pathos. Looking for a connection that is no longer. Perhaps afraid of what he would find if he tried to reclaim it, so he leaves without speaking to her?
I do have questions about the first two sentences.
"If he looked up into her eyes, he didn’t see anything reflected back in them. She had no sight to see his image with..."
Is he looking up at her or is she taller than he is? And is she blind now or am I missing something?
Well, that's depressing. ^_^ Very well done and emotionally well handled. The only part that bothered me was those first two sentences that everyone else has been mentioning.
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If he looked up into her eyes, he didn’t see anything reflected back in them. She had no sight to see his image with, she had no love to identify, and she had no recognition.
The first part of that second sentence bothers me. I think it's the preposition. The 'with' just makes it seem akward. I understand that you're saying that he's looking into her eyes, but there's no love there anymore, but it's a little strangely worded. I'd try rewriting it a few different ways and see what you like best. If you like the original best, then that's just fine. After all it is your piece and you can do what you want with it. Still, if you've got some time on a rainy day, at least give it a try.
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Your battles inspired me - not the obvious material battles
but those that were fought and won behind your forehead.
I think you have a pursuable idea here - it just needs more meat. As it is now, it left me feeling vague, not really sure what was going on or what had gone on, getting the end with no connection. I sense events of great importance, but I don't know what they were. And while the characters have feelings, I haven't been given enough to come to care about them.
It has potential for greatness; you need more.
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I think you havea definite skeleton here for more. as u called it an SOC that tided me over, but apart from the aforementioned confusing aspects you could turn this into something, as it is, it hovers between. But an enjoyable read nonetheless.
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Yeah, it's just basically an expanded thought, I'm undecided if I'd ever want to make it into it a story.
To answer the big question, she is not blind. lol I meant that to the man, she was blind to him, as they no longer knew each other, and she had no memory or affection to give him. She had no clues to identify anything within him or about him.
The idea came to me out of no where
Linear Mode
