[foxblade]

Honestly, I'm glad that it ended. I'm personally not a fan of repetition, seeing the same thing done over and over again. That's like seeing someone do a really sweet stunt like explode on command or catch a meteor with their eyelid over and over again. The first time it's like "Wow! He just caught a meteor with his eyelid!" Then it get's to be like, "Ugh..Meeteer..iyelyd..zzzzzzz z."

Now, if it WAS a rookie and the tables turned for the worse, now that'd be sweet!

But again, although the description's pretty good, this is a very short and dull story.

Not to worry though, I've done worse.

[Iscariot]

I thought it read fairly well with only technical issues seriously weighing it down. (Most of which have already been pointed out.) Anyways not bad I think I would like it a little more if gave a little more insight to the settings and overall world.

[Odanion]

I like this piece of work, it was nice to read...although against some of the replies above

The shoulder pain could be because he was using a different gun, as he said it surprised him, so I doubt he was using his own gun

the heart pounding would definetly come from adrenaline...and you would have to be either a psychopath or a cold hearted killer not to get that, not just some hit man, they usually have some kind of counsciousness of what they are doing

Other than what I mentioned I do not see anything wrong with the story (meaning I cant seem to find anything wrong with it at all :p ) Like so many other people are saying, I want to see updates...I want to see this hitmans next hits...I want to see if his counsciousness catches up with him...I want to know if he becomes a cold hearted killer or does he start to sympathise with the people he has to kill...update more and I asure you I will be reading it, and ofc ready to point out each and everything that needs to improve (in my eyes) so that you can make it better and better.


P.S. Hitman like stories/movies etc. may get done a lot, but that does not mean you should stop or whatever, no that means you need to keep going to make it better and better

[AdamD.Oneirical]

i liked the way you made him seem as if he's was so wired up, on adrenaline, and his thoughts were really clear, although you could feel the tension

it seemed a bit rushed at times

pm me if u want examples, im new so i dont want to talk before i walk, know what i mean

[Iscariot]

Not bad, it's not a terribly original concept but, like I say quite often, that doesn't really limit it.

A couple things. First, since his hit is pretty important, why wouldn't he wear any gloves? If it is cold enough for his fingers to go numb, then it is cold enough to botch the job (his finger could be slow to pull the trigger, he could shiver and lose his shot, or he could just be too stiff to line up the shot in time.)

Last, and this is completely my own opinion, I can't really believe that a professional, well-paid, and sought after assassin would simply crash and sleep deeply enough to not notice the sun coming in on his face. It is too relaxed for someone, probably with military training, who may need to make a quick escape.

That's all I have for now, if I can think of any useful advice I'll comment again. Keep up the good work.

[EternalPen]

I haven't read any of the other comments, so forgive me if this has been said before.
I think it sounded like you tried to make him a bit professional, but you said the gun surprised him with the kick it made. Then this.
"I slipped into a deep, restless sleep. That night I slept like a rock. " Isn't that an oxymoron?
Other than those two things, excellent. Godd read, not very long so I enjoyed a nice relaxing read. Wasn't laced with action, but It reminded me of many a good James Bond movies. lol.
Good job, keep it up!

[Tahn]

I liked how you captured the "sniper/hitman" genre. I've always liked this sort of story and you did a good job, its quite a hard subject to tackle. It could maybe use a little more detail, but it wasn't too simple, atleast not enough to annoy a reader. Hope to see another episode soon

[BrianOsburn]

I liked it.

[a&Ω]

Didn't have a bad flow to it, though it could be fleshed out a little more.

[Timmay]

i've heard it to many times.

[Timmay]

to clarify, its not that this is a bad story. you do a great job with you discriptions, characterization ect., but i have a problem with plot. this is as original as a WWII shooter; they're all the same. that said, i enjoyed this story, and i would give it an 8/10

[AdamThomas]

I liked it. Here are edits I would make and the reasons:

1. "the Russian mansion"

I would just say "mansion" and either before or after refer to as the "[Russian Name] Palace" or something. Some place the president would hang out.

2. surprisingly hard recoil of the gun

"of the gun." is unnecesaary.

3. "Agency this is Trenton, it's done. Deposit my reward, in gold, to my usual account."

If an assasin were to ever make a phone call immediately after shooting a world leader (which he wouldn't) he would talk in code.

4. "resteless sleep. That night I slept like a rock"

I don't think you can do both.


Just my opinions...

[RENA HANDS]

I tipped my head back;looking at the ceiling(you need a space here.

What about saying…took one more drag then flicked the cigarette…?

7:28:any minute now(you need a space after8)

If it was “cold, so cold” then wouldn’t it transition from colder to freezing?

;That would be…(that would be…)

I would switch to the limousine pulling up first then have the sniper look through his scope. If the driver has arrived then so too would have his client?

…first-This was my chance.(first-this was my chance.)

…where the suitcase laid; quickly,

What about

…I could hear distance screaming sirens approaching as I opened the door.?

Missed a space after…Finding a 12 pack of bud…

Another rewrite wouldn’t be so bad throwing action first then dialogue…I found this to be an interesting read, not boring, not necessarily original either, still entertaining.

[tamaulipas19602]

Easy to read. Nice character development. Want to read more.

[Wesley]

Aw man, I was hoping to read about the exciting getaway. Hopefully you'll write more.

[Zoidberg]

A good story, and I look forward to reading more. The way you told the story was good, with the coldness, the waiting, the vacation, you really got us to see the whole picture very easily.

However, I do have to agree with the other guys that there were some inconsistencies. The lack of a silencer, the recoil, the heart pounding, all realistic for a average person, but not so much for a seasoned hitman.

Good Story. Want More.

[Gus2.0]

Pretty good story. Really descriptive. There were a few mistakes i would like to point out though...

That would be nice I thought to myself.

im pretty sure that your suppost to have a comma between nice and I...This is another one...

all I had to do was get the hell out of here...

You changed your tense. It should be there not here.

That is really all the mistakes i found. Overall, good story. Hope you right more about this. It will make a good series.

[jback]

I thought it was pretty good. Nice descriptions and flow, the only thing is read perdictable, I was waiting for a HUGE twist, non the less it was good.

[samissketch]

i like it way kool man