[loosygoosy007]

"I'll see you later, Kyle," Anna said, waving in a flirty voice.

Kyle Smith waved goodbye to the cheerleader, then turned around to start walking home, a dazed look on his face. He continued to stare at her, and before he could stop, he ran into a pole. He held his head for a few second, waiting for the pain to escape him. His head darted back to Anna and her friends, and he was relieved to see that they had not noticed him. He sighed, then started walking home.

It was a cloudy day outside, and Kyle kept his eyes down. He passed through the "rough" side of Chicago everyday he walked home from school. He had never told anyone before, but this side of town scared him. All of the gangsters and mobsters came from this side of town. Everyone knew who he was, even them, making him even more of a target. He wore his letterman jacket proudly when he walked the halls, but he was safe from no one in the real world. Danger lurked around every corner, even for Kyle, the star football player on the high school football team.

It wasn't like Kyle actually wanted to walk through this side of town. He actually had a valid reason for having to take such a dangerous walk. That single reason was his father.

Kyle looked up at the old building in front him. It was painted black, and the windows were barred. It was a beat-up building, and it almost looked as if it would fall down right before his eyes. He sighed and walked up to the propped-open door, letting himself in.

As Kyle entered the room, he saw many vials and beakers, filled with strangely colored substances. Some of them were on a stove either bubbling or fizzing. He walked as far away from the chemicals as possible, avoiding them at all costs. No one knew what was in them, but his father, and even he didn't want to know what was in them. Kyle searched for his father and finally found him, across the room examining two chemicals.

Kyle walked over to his father and tapped him on the shoulder. His father jumped and turned around, touching his chest in surprise.

"Oh," Kyle's father said, relieved, "It's only you, Kyle."

Kyle nodded and dropped his book bag on the floor. He sat on a stool and put his books on a lab table, starting his homework. Kyle's father walked over to Kyle and looked at him from across the table. Kyle looked up from his homework and at his father.

Benjamin Smith wore a white lab coat and large goggles, protecting his eyes. He wore latex gloves, and today he had on a steel mask on top of his head to protect his face from splashing chemicals. He stood tall, about six-four in height with dark brown hair. Benjamin had majored in Biology in college and had a doctorate degree in Biochemistry. He was a highly-trained chemist, and though he had not become famous yet, he one day would be for his intellect and fascination with the effect of chemicals of human life forms.


"Kyle, I need your help on something," he said.

Kyle sighed and looked up from his homework.

"What?" he asked, annoyed for being interrupted.

"I have been working on an experiment," Ben started, "After three months, it has finally been completed. Now all I need is a test subject-"

"Hold up," Kyle said angrily, "I know where this is going. Dad, I am not your test subject! I am your son! How could you use me for some stupid-"

"Kyle, I know you don't like doing this, but this time I-"

"This time?" Kyle said, roaring, "Last time, you said you had it! And look where it landed me: In the hospital for a week! Do you seriously think that this will work?! The effects could be worse than last time!"

"Son, you'll have to trust me on this," Ben said, "There's-"

"I made the mistake of trusting you last time, Dad," Kyle said, containing his anger, "And I am certainly not going to do it again."

Kyle looked back down and continued his homework. Ben sighed and walked on the other side of the lab table. He pulled up a stood and sat beside his son.

"Kyle," Ben said, gently.

Kyle looked up at him, still angry.

"I have tested this substance more than I had tested the last one. I doubled my test subjects, and all of them have been successful. There have been no mutations, no deaths, and no mistakes. I am certain I have it right this time, and all I need now is a human test subject to prove that the substance works."

Kyle sighed, looking away. His father had been obsessed with making a substance for years that prevented all life forms from ever becoming sick. His goal was to make all organisms immune to disease, and to do this, he made the substance work on all life forms. The substance entered the subject's body through injection, then entered the bloodstream and reacted to different illnesses depending on which organism it was in. Kyle thought that this substance was too risky for anyone to try, let alone humans.

"Come on, Son," Ben said, kindly, "Do this one for your old man, huh?"

Kyle thought for a moment. The side effects could be terrible, but disappointing his Dad would be even worse. Kyle hated disappointing his father even more than trying his experiments out as a test subject.

Kyle sighed.

"I'll do it," he said.

Ben grinned.

"Excellent," he said, "Follow me."

Kyle followed his dad further into his lab. He saw a large testing table, and it had many different chemicals on it. Kyle gulped. Ben shuffled through his things setting on the table.

"Lie there," Ben said amid his shuffling, pointing to a large, flat table.

Kyle hesitantly walked towards the table and laid down on it. The table was suspended over a pool of lime green liquid. Ben rushed over and strapped Kyle's legs and arms to the table. He put a few wires on Kyle's arm to test his heart rate. Ben then walked back over near the lab table and pressed a button on his control panel. The table was lifted up and positioned perpendicular to the ground, standing Kyle up straight and almost eye to eye with his father.

Ben put a vial into a syringe and walked over to Kyle.

"First, I'll inject you with this," Ben said, indicating the vial.

Kyle nodded, nervously.

"Then, you will quickly be submerged into the chemicals in the pool beneath you," Ben continued, nodding towards the pool.

Kyle looked behind him at the pool, afraid, then back at his father.

"You will be submerged for about thirty second, then I will bring you back out. I have test tubes containing germs of the common cold back here, and we shall test you immediately after you exit the pool. Any questions?"

Kyle shook his head.

"Okay, then we shall begin," Ben said, excitedly.

Kyle took a deep breath. Ben put the syringe in Kyle's arm and injected him with the solution. Kyle cringed as the needle exited his arm. Ever since his father had first started running tests on him, he hated needles.

Ben quickly ran back over to his control panel. He moved the table so that it was parallel to the ground and the pool. Kyle slowly felt the table move down towards the chemical pool. Kyle looked over at his father, nervously.

"Hold your breath, Son," Ben said.

Kyle held his breath as he entered the pool. Kyle kept his eyes open, and he could see fairly clearly through the green liquid. He looked around him, and he saw that nothing was happening to him.

This isn't so bad, Kyle thought to himself.

All of a sudden, Kyle felt a sharp pain in his heart and all throughout his body. Kyle gasped in surprise and swallowed down some of the green substance surrounding him on accident. Kyle screamed as the pain worsened.

Ben heard Kyle's scream and jumped up, his eyes wide open. He looked at his computer screen and gasped. Kyle's heartbeat was skyrocketing at an alarming rate. The computer beeped in warning, and Ben ran over to the pool.

"Kyle!" he yelled in desperation.

Kyle kept screaming and cringing at the pain. Sparks started flying from the wires connected to Kyle and shot through the wires back to the computer. Kyle screamed even louder.

"Kyle!" Ben screamed, tears streaming down his face.

Suddenly, the computer overloaded. The power in the entire building turned off, and Kyle was left alone in the glowing pool of chemicals, unconscious.

[Bluejay]

This is a nice beginning. I think I can see where you're going with it (the old "lab accident causes transformation into something new" bit). I'm curious where the plural "outcasts" come from. I'll have to stay tuned.

Some thoughts...

Just then, he ran into a pole.

I think you meant this to be humorous. To be honest, it felt a little gratuitous. (Like "What the heck was that all about?") I think it could work if you set it up a little more and really tie it into his being dazed. It's too abrupt the way it is, coming in the third sentence.

Benjamin Smith wore a white lab coat and large goggles, protecting his eyes. He wore latex gloves, and today he had on a steel mask on top of his head to protect his face from splashing chemicals. He stood tall, about six-four in height with dark brown hair.

"Kyle, I need your help on something," he said.

Benjamin had majored in Biology in college and had a doctorate degree in Biochemistry. He was a highly-trained chemist, and though he had not become famous yet, he one day would be for his intellect and fascination with the effect of chemicals of human life forms.

I would take the third paragraph and add it to the end of the first. It's related, and the way it is, it breaks up the dialogue.

All of a sudden, Kyle felt a sharp pain in his heart and all throughout his body. Kyle gasped in surprise and swallowed down some of the green substance surrounding him on accident. Kyle screamed as the pain worsened.

Since you've established Kyle in the first sentence, you can use "he" for the rest.

I have some overall impressions about voice, etc, but I can't put them in words, so I'll let it go for now.

Ok, now, one big thing. Perhaps it's because I'm a father, but I had a hard time buying the dad using his son in an experiment with a completely untested serum. If he cares about him at all (and it seems he does, given the tears later), then there's no way I could see him doing that. The only way I could see it happening is if somehow the father *doesn't* care about him (the old evil stepfather thing or something) where he sees the boy as just a body to be experimented on.

Overall, it's a good start. It has some rough edges in some of the sentences. As you work on it, that will improve. (To get a good feel for flow you will probably end up reading it so many times you hate it. Then you'll step away for a while and come back and read it again, and you'll see a whole bunch of new things.)

Looking forward to the next installment. This is quite creative and has promise to be an overall good read.

[loosygoosy007]

Thanks for the feedback, jnabonne. I changed the things you mentioned. Let's just say I'm a little rusty on the short stories, because I've pretty much been writing all poems lately. On the whole father aspect, I was trying to get the idea across that Ben loves Kyle, but he cares about his experiments even more. Therefore, the whole test subject thing came to mind because Kyle and his own life would be improved so much better with the results of his work. As for the title, you shall find out soon what it means. You'll have to keep reading...it's a secret...

[Enreg]

Whoa... This is awesome. Is he going to get super powers? is he going to turn into the Hulk??? C'mon, I need more here. Did Kyle even live?????? *GASPS*

[BookWhale***]

Oh, I think the plot is interesting! The only freaky thing is... THE CHEERLEADER SHARES MY NAME! *GASP!* lol. Pretty funny, actually.

Anyway, I think you made the 2 different settings transition very gracefully. I like how your writing cuts to the chase, instead of using too many large of words that makes the writer seem like they are trying to make their stuff look eloquent. In reality, if no one knows what a word means, how are they suposed to know what the heck they are reading?! It's ok to use "big words" but sometimes they just seem fake and out of place in writing - where as yours doesn't.

[Nephilim]

Hey i really liked this. even tho it started out kindof clicheic, it gave better representation toward the parts where kyle enters the lab. it was really remincent of that scene from spiderman for me, at least i pictured his dad like willem dafoe. i hope another chapter comes out soon so we can find out what happens to kyle and how mutation affects his quarterbacking and his sex life....

but on a serious note, i think this should be in sci-fi, not action. up to u tho.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"One light in the darkness, my peace I make
I pray the lord his soul to take"

Peacemaker

[Raven57]

He's going to be faster then light! (jk) Totally awsome!
Keep writing!

[Kitzwa]

Awesome story. I definatley am going to have to keep reading to see what happens next. I thought the best part was the end, especially the last sentence. It's really suspenseful, and really works. As far as the plural in the title, and after reading the first chapter, it kind of reminds me of X-Men (exciting!) Although I have to say I agree with jnabonne when he said that it seems unrealistic that a father would use his son for experiments. I know you said that he cared more about his experiments than his son, but I think he comes off as too much of a nice guy for that to be realistic. Overall though, great story so far.

[Odanion]

I enjoyed reading this chapter, I have yet to read the next one of course, but I really did enjoy this one...the whole walking into a pole because of not paying attention to anythin but the girl, now that is something funny that can relate to real world. and all those people that have had this problem will agree =P I noticed a few things that were a little wrong as in a place or two there was a . forgotten, but noting actually bad, overall this was a very nice read

Interesting beginning!

[Seamless]

This is interesting, I'm definately going to read the other chapters. I like your style, it's pretty good I have to admit, when I read the part about him being suspended over a pool of greenish liquid, I immediately thought of Logan/Wolverine in X-men, when he's getting the metal implanted in his bones (or whatever).

Overall, I'd give this a 4, maybe a 4.5. And I agree with the others on the obscurity of the father using his loved (it seems) son in potentially dangerous experiments. I guess I can see how that would work, but it's a little too... I dunno, out there?

[Supa Boi]

Ya story's hot. I like the way eveerything fits together. And is this kid black, cuz you said he live in the hood right?

[Keit]

What happens to kyle, i cant wait to find out. Great start aswell! ace!

[DanHill]

A few spelling mistakes. But over all a good read. Nice work

[RENA HANDS]

Did you intend…

He held his head for a few seconds (second), ?

Possibly…

He passed through the ‘rough’ side of Chicago everyday (as) he walked home from school. ?

Did you mean…

Everyone knew who he was, even then (them), ?

What about saying or something similar to…He had to face a necessary evil as he walked home from school. (Perhaps also other words for ‘walk(ed)’)?
What about…Benjamin Smith wore a white lab coat and large goggles that protected his eyes. ?

What about…he (knew) one day that his failures/successes would be rewarded fro his intellect and fascination with the effects of chemicals of human life forms. ?

Instead of just saying ‘chemicals,’ why not show a room, table covered by vials and or other test tubes being used? (What’s in a chemistry set?)

Interesting idea you have hear, but doesn’t the cold virus much like the flu virus change yearly, so then there’s no real ‘cure’ or ‘immunity’ from such illnesses. I think your delivery is a bit choppy, but considering the circumstances of this write, it might be appropriate. I will rate this 3/5!

[crackdaddy]

that father was an asshole, but at least he wasn't cooking meth, like I originally thought. I'll give some more constructive comments in a second once I read the other part(s).

[timtornado3721]

In regards to your dad problem maybe you could elaborate in the dialogue that the father still loves his son even though hes using him. Or possibly have his father instead be a pupil or older friend that is using kyle for his experiments? The last few paragraphs are definitely the best. So far so good. Can't wait to read #2 soon.