['Ginnis]

"We're lost," she crumpled the map they had been given by the overly happy woman behind the counter at AAA. "Absolutely lost."

"Would you shut up, Aimee?" Derik was tense behind the wheel of his cantankerous Honda Civic. "We're not lost."

Located an unknown number of miles outside of an unknown town, there hadn't been a directional sign for hours. They assumed they were on highway 204, but nothing stood as a testament to the validity of their assumption. No telephone poles lined the sign of the road, no streetlamps, nothing. Darkness blanketed the drag of highway and the cornfields that lined it.

"How do you explain it, then?" Aimee propped her feet up on the dashboard and sulked. "We should have hit Fort Green two hours ago."

"It's on the map, we'll get there," he reassured her, though he knew he probably needed to hear the words more than she did.

"The map said we should-"

"I know what the map said!" he banged the heel of his hand on the steering wheel. Aimee looked at him after the outburst, not necessarily scared or threatened but more so disappointed. After living with Derik for three years she was used to his short fuse and irritable personality. It served as the single flaw in their relationship, and one she was more than willing to overlook. Derik took in a breath and calmed himself. "The scale's just probably off."

"Of course," Aimee shook her head and leaned against the window. She let her hand slip from the arm rest to fall gently on her stomach. Six weeks pregnant, she wasn't yet showing, and she prayed to God every night that she wouldn't for another six. She was yet to tell her long time beau that she was expecting, not afraid of how he would react but more so afraid as to how she would. The longer she could keep it a secret, the better off they all would be, him, her, and baby.

"You alright?" he asked, concerned.

"Just a little hungry." Who was she kidding? She was hungry enough for two.

"Soon as I see something we'll pull over. Refill on gas and grab a bite to eat, but I'd really like to make it to Fort Green before we call it quits for the night. Safer town," Derik explained. He hated the long begrudging drive to his parent's house in the middle of nowhere. He had done it so many times before, but it never seemed to get any better. Having detoured from his normal route to take a back country road, one acclaimed by the travel agent to be quicker and more pleasant, he wasn't feeling as if the drive was either. Had his father not died recently, he wouldn't be doing it at all.

"Derik," Aimee saw that distant look in his eyes. Nothing good ever came from that look.

"I don't want to talk about it, Aimee," he told her, his emotional shortcomings speaking for him. "I really don't."

"Why don't you let me drive?" she offered. "You're tired and you've been at it for hours."

"I'm fine," he shook his head and looked down the road. "It keeps me from thinking."

"Thinking might not be such a bad thing to do," she closed her eyes. "Settles things."

"Perhaps for you."

"Very well then," she rolled her eyes while they were closed and attempted to drift off to sleep.

Derik looked over at her when she had finally drifted into a safely comatose state. Her hands were situated complacently on her stomach, her blonde hair slightly astray all around. She was so calm and peaceful when she slept, so beautiful and serene. He thought of the engagement ring tucked safely in his duffel bag in the trunk. He had never heard of anyone proposing at a funeral but he thought it would make for a bittersweet revival. It hurt him to know that his father wouldn't be there to see it. His last decent conversation had ended with his father's half-hearted laughter as the two shared cigars on the back porch.

"Why don't you marry that girl, Der?" he had smiled his crooked smile as he tapped off the burned cigar ash. "Why don't you marry her?"

"Someday, Pops," Derik shook his head, let out a casual laugh, and quickly changed the subject to crop production. He had always run away from the idea of marrying Aimee, ridiculous as it was. He had been seeing her for over four years now, living with her for three. Their life was practically a marriage either way. The fear of one hundred percent commitment scared the hell out of him, ironic seeing as he had been nothing but purely faithful to the woman beside him for his entirety of knowing her.

"Someday," he said quietly now, his eyes focusing just beyond the high-beams. In the distance became visible a small highway-side memorial, a ramshackle veneration of a poor, miserable life lost on this lonely stretch of road. A cross composed of two large sticks, held together by twine and decorated with rep poppies and wild flowers, the sight was mildly comforting to Derik, he knew civilization was relatively close.

He tore his gaze from the roadside memorandum momentarily, then looked at it again. This time, kneeling beside it and placing more wildflowers at its base was a young woman, her hair pulled back in braids, clinging tightly to her threadbare sweater.

Still going a steady seventy-five when he realized what he had seen, Derik had passed her too quickly. He turned his head to see her out of the back window, and as if she knew what was to pass, she pointed at him, no, ahead of him. Derik turned his head back to the road too late. Swerving to avoid the coyote crossing from one cornfield to another, Derik lost all control of the Civic. Violently, the car rolled off of the main road, and crashed in the irrigation ditch on the side.

Three wooden crosses accompanied the solitary, lonely marker, no more than a hundred yards beyond it. The bodies had gone up in an unearthly blaze, the remainder of the wreck spotted by a crop dusting bi-plane the morning after. The origin of the crosses stood unknown, as was the peculiarity of the number. No one had known that there had been an unborn child present; all that was recovered was the charred remains of two fully grown adults. Little was known about the two, little was questioned about the three, and little was explained about the one who kept all four graves alive with ambiguity.

[Venomous Vixen]

A cross composed of two large sticks, held together by twine and decorated with rep poppies and wild flowers, the sight was mildly comforting to Derik, he knew civilization was relatively close.

red?

I almost feel like the last paragraph she be a newspaper article, like the headline in the small town or the obituary. There is def. an eerie feel to this one, I am liking it

[Jon%]

Not too much to get excited about here. There's No real story arc and nothing that really makes me care about the characters. The whole time I was reading I was wondering how you were going to kill them off. That kept me going to the end.

A few random thoughts:
* Why would you talk to a travel agent to visit your parents?
* Proposing at a funeral?? What a sap.
* Weird ending. Run the dental records and CSI could find the fetus...

[wave1345]

Technically excellent! Very easy to read, very little awkwardness that is found in so many stories. It's tight! A couple things I noticed:

You wrote: "We're lost," she crumpled the map...
Suggestion: I think it out to be a period, not a comma. "We're lost." She crumpled the map...

You wrote: "...nothing stood as a testament to the validity of their assumption."
Suggestion: That seems awfully wordy to me, maybe unecessarily so.

[Ferris]

I liked it, to be honest.

The only thing I thought that could be worked to add to that good final is to slow it down a little. the last paragraph seems a little rushed and confusing, and that detracts from the eerie feel it has.

Still, good read, I'll be back for more

Ferris

[adrianhayter]

This is written pretty well but I believe the story is a little weak.

"Soon as I see something we'll pull over. Refill on gas and grab a bite to eat, but I'd really like to make it to Fort Green before we call it quits for the night. Safer town," Derik explained. He hated the long begrudging drive to his parent's house in the middle of nowhere. He had done it so many times before, but it never seemed to get any better. Having detoured from his normal route to take a back country road, one acclaimed by the travel agent to be quicker and more pleasant, he wasn't feeling as if the drive was either. Had his father not died recently, he wouldn't be doing it at all.*****(OK. Here's where you can start a fire under the story. Get rid of travel agent. That doesn't have a place in the story anymore than the AAA lady at first. The last place they stopped for gas has an attendant. He recommends they take the detour. Develop this character as mysterious, slightly strange and smelling of premonition. With your permission, I'm going to play with it for a moment.

"Hey mister...it's none of my business but I wouldn't drive around on tires like that...not with a wife as pretty as she is. The old man's single tooth made the sound of "pretty" seem dirty like it had crawled out a hole somewhere. The sound grated on Derik's nerves.

"You're right, it's not your business but if you need to know, the car's a rental and... we're not married."

"Sorry Mister, my mistake. Her being expecting and all, I just jumped to the wrong conclusion. By myself here, all day, I got nothing to do but think. Sometimes, it gets me in trouble.

"Derik, pay the man and lets go.

"I thought you wanted to stretch your legs?"

"No, I want to go."

"Ok, OK, we'll go but I don't know what your rush is. It's not like my father is going anyplace. We got all the time in the world.

There are a million possibilities here. By adding this character, you can create so much tension, the reader has to finish. The attendant wears overalls with one strap's missing, it's distinctive and pointed out in the description. It makes the old man appear lopsided. Just prior to the accident, Derik sees the figure, vague but leaning to the side.

Concerning the ending: I do the same, I rush through trying to finish. But I always get caught. The reader knows.

As always, these are just my opinions.

Adrian

[Bluejay]

To echo what others have said and add some of my own...

Good things: the story is well written from a technical standpoint. I liked the characters (to the extent I got to know them) and the dialogue. I also liked some of the tone.

The downside: a lot of what occurs is unrelated to the ending (or, I guess, the ending is unrelated to nearly everything before it). I thought the personal relationship was interesting and the ending was (for lack of better word ) eerie. But they felt disconnected. There wasn't a single flow running through the story, a single intention. You were just going down a road and suddenly, out of left field, something weird happens and it's over.

Adrian's suggestion was good. And, as pointed out, there are lots of other ways to play it. I think if you put more "connective tissue" in the story, in the end it will seem a little less... pointless.

[Nish]

I like the way it flows. Very easy to read. I was just wondering why
"He turned his head to see her out of the back window,...."

I think his first impulse would be to look into the rearview mirror. I also agree with few of the post above that the ending was a bit random. In terms of the story, it’s as simple as: they are going to a funeral and then they die.

I think Blue Jay puts it best. The story needs “connective tissue” to make it a bit more meaningful.

[Vorcla]

Hmmm. I kinda like the way the ending comes out and smacks you in the face. It seems unrelated, like it's coming out of nowhere, and yet, life is like that. You can be here one moment, and the next you're gone. Boom. Just like that.

Spooky, eerie. There's like a building tension heading toward the end.

Now - I could be totally out to sea (I need sleep! ), but I got the impression that the girl tending the cross and putting the red poppies down was the ghost of the person the cross represented. I read like that sometimes; I go with my first, visceral reaction, and that's what I sensed. I liked it. Not as fully realized as your "Tinseltown" series, Kara (of course, I feel "Tinseltown" is your masterwork), but still damned fine.

[AnimeFreakGeek]

There is a good basis here and good developing to start. Maybe devel into the character's backgrounds and histories a little more, give more description and build the plot line a little more. These are little things but they might make the story even better. ^_^

[Ambrose]

I find it weird that I am currently writing a story that involves both a crash with a coyote and a person on the way to their funeral. Anyway, I liked the spookiness surrounding the woman at the side of the road, tending to the grave. I thought it was the wife and soon-to-be-mother, in ghost form, like he was seeing what was going to happen to both of them in the future. Like Jon mentioned, I too wondered why the guy was consulting a travel agent about getting to his parents' house, especially when he has driven the route so many times before.

['Ginnis]

Ha, I think that stems from my own ignorance. My parents always stop at AAA when we're visiting family out west so it's kind of a common association for me. Thanks for the input guys, it's all very much appreciated!

[WillFreeman]

I think you could leave a little more hint of where they end up or who the woman is to make it work a little better. There are a lot of unanswered questions here. Were they really lost or were they somehow led to this place? What's the point of the woman and the crosses?
Is the story going to continue with another couple driving down the road?

Great writing, though. I appreciate not having to fix grammatical errors!

[Peppy]

I'm too lazy to read what the other people were saying. So, I'm just going to say what I need to say now.

The story was interesting to read. The beginning portion of the story was excellent, but I found the ending to be lacky. The ending didn't feel like it was fully realized, just some vague abstraction of what happened--and nothing really did happen. It just ended! Ka-poot!

The characters you created were developing well until they just died all of a sudden. What a lame way to end a story. I think the characters deserve more of a better ending. You make me care about them and you kill them off like a second rate character on a TV show.

But I really did enjoy the story. It was easy to follow considering the grammer errors in some parts.

Good job nonetheless. Hope to read more things by you.

[Deanne]

It is exactly what it is – a short story. A snapshot of an ending. I really liked it.

['Ginnis]

Thanks Deanne.