[S.Coristine]

Synopsis: A man wallowing in despair and thinks drinking himself to death is his best option, is tormented by incessant knocking on his door.

Somebody's knocking at the door. I don't want to answer it. I just can't deal with anybody right now. No one, no how, no way. If the Pope himself was at the door surrounded by a chanting congregation of angels, I still wouldn't want to poke my head out. I'm too hung-over. My head feels like there's an ADD kid in there hammering away at the sides with an ice-pick. Just opening my eyes makes me cringe at the pain that the light causes in my skull.

- Rap Rap Rap -

Why won't they stop knocking? Please, just stop fucking knocking on my door. It's 'rap rap rap', pause, 'rap rap rap', pause. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Just cut it out already. Yes, you can see a TV on through the window, but that doesn't give you the right to keep your incessant knocking going until the lazy slob gets up to answer. The volume's off on my TV for a reason, pal. Noise at the moment is a sledgehammer on the concrete of my temples.

- Rap Rap Rap -

You sick fuck. Just stop it already. Get the hell out of here. I don't go to your house and knock on the door. Hell, I don't go to anyone's house and knock on the door. I sit here, happy with my whiskey and my TV. I don't need family, I don't need friends, and I certainly don't need Mr. Fuckwit-knocker either. You hear that, fuck brain? Huh? I don't fucking need you or whatever it is you're peddling, so just leave before it gets to the point where I get up and make you stop outweighs the hellish annoyance you're causing me.

- Rap Rap Rap -

I don't know what you want. I don't care what you want. Just leave. Get the fuck away from my door. Get away now. Just fucking disappear!

...

...

...

I think he's gone. Thank the makers. Nothing in my life has ever been as nice as this feeling. Just knowing that the ravages of his horrible knocking at my door are gone is almost enough to make me think that life's worth living. Heh. Almost. You know, he could always come back, and that's what tips the scale in the other direction. Just knowing that on any given day, a sadistic soul might head back this way and in my hour of hung-over induced torture, decide to twist a fiery blade of noise into my already-aching cerebellum. And so, I continue to drink. The whiskey may take a while, but it will work. One day my liver will just say, "Fuck it, that's it. I'm out." And then it's goodbye for yours truly.

- Rap Rap Rap -

You fucking malicious bastard. You've crossed the line now. I bet you think that you're pretty funny standing out there playing your little knocking game. Here Charlie Brown, kick the football. I'll hold it for you. Woops! I moved it. Let's all have a good laugh at you because you fell down. Fuck you, Lucy. I've got cleats on and the next kick is right into your ugly bitch face. Then I'll stomp you into the ground, and use your caved-in skull as the stand for the football. The next kick will go straight through the fucking uprights, you better believe it.

- Rap Rap Rap -

Ok you win, or should I say, you lose. You've pushed me too far. There she is, there's my beautiful little .38 special. You'll do the trick nicely. I'm up now, and I've got cold steel in my hand that will end your knocking once and for all. I'll be in agony for a couple more seconds as I pull myself up and walk to the door, but then it will all be over, and I'll be able to lie back down on my ever so-comfortable couch and get on with my pitiful life. I'm coming to open the door to see what was so goddamn important. I bet you're not expecting to see the barrel of a gun in your face, motherfucker. Here we go, say hello Smith and Wesson...

"What the fuck do you wan...."

"Peter Lendel. It's time for you to come with me."

"But... you're... it can't be time already... I thought I'd have a little while longer."

"Everyone does."

[JirQUEST]

I tend to be biased against 1st person POV kinda stories, but that being said, I thought that u had something going with the voice. I think this would be a good prelude to an excellent story, but only if you can get the plot and characterisation going. There's a lot of swearing, and I dare say that helped in the voice, but as with everything else, you always need a balance. While I was learning how to write dialogue, I constantly pondered about the use of slang to define a voice. After a while, I realised that you do need to be able to tell when to stop, and when to start. I can't really explain it, but you need to use your intuition for that.

[S.Coristine]

Thanks Jir,

Is the ending a little too cryptic, or does it get the proper point across? I've always been worried about that.

[Bluejay]

I thought this was a clever idea. The incessant knocking on the door definitely builds the suspense. It makes you wonder what it's all about. To be honest, I found that to be the only part that held me on the first read - the constant stream of curse-laden vitriol was a bit overwhelming, but I went through it because I wanted to know WTF was going on. As I read it a few more times, it began to grow on me.

I liked the image of the ADD kid inside his head acting out agressions. And I see how the knocking pushed him to the point of answering the door with a gun.

I think the ending is fairly clear. I'm not sure if the final image is of the grim reaper, or some sort of dark angel, or just a guy in a cheap business suit with a briefcase that says "Death, Inc." on it. But the intention is there (and the synopsis mentioning drinking himself to death points to it).

Overall, I enjoyed it. It has a good structure, and the narrator's voice rings true. The ending felt a bit abrupt, but I guess that's the way it is, in the end.

[S.Coristine]

Thanks for the comments JNA.

Perhaps a bit more around the ending could fill it out.

[JirQUEST]

it brought the point across, so dont worry about that.

[NLuv]

wow nice ending...nice begining...nice middle
i think it would be more interesting if you toned it down a little at the start and had it rise until the end, as far as the man's anger goes
the last two lines are really strong and hold a good message
good job

[dingoxxx]

a very nice story but isn't there alot of fucking?

[Bluejay]

Originally Posted by dingoxxx

a very nice story but isn't there alot of fucking?

Damn, made me look back at the story again...

[EternalPen]

I liked it a lot, but it was hard for me to read. I don't think I got even a fraction of what I was meant to get out of it, as a matter of fact. Reason?
Excessive use of the "F" Word. I LOATH cursing, so everytime I read that word I cringed and missed the next few sentences. Therfore I missed almost half the story. Sorry, but I'll go back through it if you make me a personal copy that dosen't have so much "F'ing" in it.

[Peppy]

This is going to be a rehash comment. Everything I say may sound the same in every way, but who's to say that should stop me?

Well, I have to say you have an attract title. I guess that's what drew me in. Rap Rap Rap has some Egar-Allen-Poe-esque quality to it. The voice in the story was strong, it helpied me vision the rants in a thorough state of mind. There seems to be a symbolism in there thoughts, too. As for the ending, it begs many interpretations - with the symbolism it's hard to tell.

Hmmmmmm...nonetheless, this was interesting to read.

[timtornado3721]

Yeah, I agree with these guys. Build up the emotion of anger by startiing nice an easy on the swearing, then as the emotion builds the swearing gets more and more intense. So at first its just "go away", in the middle "WTF do you want?!" and finish it with something like "I'm going to fucking kill you if you don't get the fuck out a here!" or something. The rapping draws in the reader and serves as the key thing to creating the suspense just like you wanted it to and finishes with a clear ending that leaves room for interpretation but still have get the intent accross to the reader. Nice job.

[thelma&louise]

This was an interesting read. Really enjoyed it. Wish I could say more, but I gotta run! Great work though! ^_^