[dingoxxx]

Synopsis: The life of an assassin.


He stared at me with unforgiving, lifeless eyes. I dropped the knife and stood up. The knife was now covered with blood. I felt guilty. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Fred backed off and ran away. I didn't blame him. It started to rain when I heard a voice calling me far away. It was Black Todd. I went to the house leaving the rain to wash the blood from the knife.

In the house, everyone else had gone to sleep. I tried shutting my eyes but no luck. I've never slept peacefully even once in my life. Life is never easy if you are who I am. I am nothing like other teenage girls at all.

"Lights off Slasher!" I heard Black Todd calling. I obeyed what he said and forced myself to sleep. I had a nightmare about my dark childhood. I was an orphan since birth. My aunt took care of me since. She took all my parents money that was left to me and abuses me every day. I was forbidden to go to school. I lived far away from other people. Finally my aunt and her husband dumped me deep into the jungle when I was seven.

At first I thought I was going to be eaten by wolves, but fortunately I was found by a group of people. Actually it wasn't that fortunate. The people who found me were assassins. They asked who I was and where I came from. I answered tremblingly. One of them stupidly suggested to kill and then eat me and of course the other disagreed. They decided to raise me as an assassin instead.

From the age of seven I was trained to be a top assassin. I was the best so when I was fourteen they called me Slasher. Slasher is name given to the best of the group. Fred was my companion and my best friend. He was the only person who knew how painful my life was. He called me by my real name. In fact he was the only one. All the other assassins called me Slasher, and some called me 'the killing machine'. I really hated it.

The next morning I walked slowly to the place where my latest murder occurred without a reason. There was a huge crowd surrounding the man's body. I had managed to get past the crowd. Fred was sitting next to the body. My heart ached terribly. I really regretted coming here. The knife that I used to kill him is still beside him. I knelt down slowly and picked it up. I stared at it for a moment before I stood up and ran away from the crowd.

I ran away from everyone and ran into the forest. I stopped and sat down on a rock. I held my head and cried then I felt a nice and warm feeling on my shoulder. I looked up to find Fred watching me. He sat on another rock in front of me. I wiped the darn tears from my face and looked straight to him. He came forward to console me. We both stood there for a long time then we talked. Talked about our list of attempted suicide. Then he walked back to the house.

After a few moments I chased after him. I went to think in my room back in the house. When it was time for bed I made sure no one was up and opened my drawer. I stared at the glistening knife and picked it up. First I went to Fred's room and placed a note on his bedside. Unfortunately he heard me and got up. He took the note and read it. After that he hugged me almost instantly. I almost dropped my knife. I pushed him gently and went back to my room ignoring him.

He followed me and talked to me. He said he had given up trying to commit suicide. Now deep inside he only want to run away. I didn't listen and brought the knife closer to my hand. He tried to stop me but I pushed him to the floor. I peeled out some skin and then raised the knife high. When I brought the knife down I didn't fell any pain and instead I felt warm. I looked down to find another body on my hand. It was Fred. Fred's chest is full with blood and my knife is planted in it. I went berserk and I instantly thrust the knife into my own chest. From the day I was born till the day I was gone, I only tasted a painful life.....

[Syrah]

Things I had to edit.....

I don't blame him.

to

I didn't blame him.

--- change of tenses.

I was the best so when I was 14 the

and

dumped me deep into the jungle when I was 7.

The numerals need to be written out... fourteen, seven...

The people who found me was assassin.

change of tenses and need to change singular assassin to show more than one...

The people who found me were assassins.

From the age of seven I was trained to be a top assassin. I was the best so when I was fourteen they called me Slasher. Slasher is name given to the best of the group. Fred is my companion and my best friend. He is the only person who knows how painful my life is. He calls me by my real name. In fact he is the only one. All the other assassins calls me Slasher and some called me 'the killing machine'. I really hated it.

A lot of changed tenses in this paragraph. Try to make sure you logically use tenses. Very rarely is there a change in tenses in a story and with how you are telling your story, there really shouldn't be any.

Besides that, it has an easy, flowing voice. Language not too elaborate and seems very appropriate for the story it is depicting.

[iyengar]

a few more chnages....

1. "I am nothing like other teenage girls at all" to "i am not at all like other teenage girls"

2. "I was an orphan since birth. My aunt took care of me since. " combine the two sentences, the second one is incomplete. it could read like" i was orphaned at birth and my aunt has from then on taken care of me."

3. a small miss "One of them stupidly suggested to kill and then eat me and of course the others disagreed."

4. "The next morning I walked slowly to the place where my latest murder had occurred, without a reason. There was a huge crowd surrounding the man's body. I had(delete) managed to get past the crowd. Fred was sitting next to the body. My heart ached terribly. I really regretted coming here. The knife that I had used to kill him is was still beside him. I knelt down slowly and picked it up. I stared at it for a moment before I stood up and ran away from the crowd" this paragraph has mix of present and past tenses and should be amended. the possible changes are indicated in bold. another place where tenses are really jumbled is the last paragraph.

5. I would also suggest a little polishing in terms of verb repetition in a single sentence so that the effect of the stroy is more prononced. here's an example " ran away from everyone and ran into the forest." here ran figures in two places, one would have sufficed.

Although the language and style are simple, as expected from a teenage girl who has not attended school, the mistakes outlined above make reading it a trifle difficult. However, the pain and desperation have been captured very well.

[bb17bb17]

Awww... That was kinda sad...

[superbum]

This could be good.

I don't care about the character, it needs time to develop the relationship, and describe the pain, it's far too short to do itself justice.

[TheColorSplorge]

The names and plot seem so cheesy! But don't be discouraged; cheesiness isn't always a bad thing.

I agree with the above person - you need to develop it some more. We don't really feel sorry for Slasher yet seeing as how a whole mass of bad stuff that happened to her hit us all at once.

Assassins are always fun, and so is rain on bloody knives. Nicely done.

[DebbieD]

I kind of like it but it needs some work. I actually cared about the protagonist unlike the others above but it needs more development and more careful word smithing. Keep going and thank you for sharing.

[isidra]

hey, this is the first time im reading youre stuff. (no offense) i never knew you had it in you. GOOD JOB. but you should make it a bit longer cause you dont love fred enough yet. describe him more then kill him. lol

[dingoxxx]

thanks alot people!!

[RENA HANDS]

This story is dreadful, it needs much change. The story warrants greater details of its characters and the setting. The assassin was in the jungle, why? The aunt and uncle just drops this child off in the jungle, why? Who were these people that saved this child soon to be assassin? The assassin and her friend wants to commit suicide, why? The two main characters both attempted suicide more than once, why? Where were the characters living? The main character reminded more of teenager with mental/emotional issues that needed to be addressed by a professional. I was going to comment on the few grammar/punctuation errors made but the story is just not worth improving without a full rewrite in my opinion.

[Iscariot]

Technical errors weigh this story down savagely. In all honesty I had a hard time focusing on the material because it had so many mistakes.

The concept isn't really anything new, but you could still do a lot with it if you fill the world out a little more.

Last thing, if she is such a great assassin why does she leave the knife at the murder scene. That seems very amateurish and terribly sloppy for a trained killer.

[EternalPen]

Well, I could say a lot of nice things and a lot of bad things, but I really don't want to pick sides. The idea has sort of been done before, but you DID add changes to make a new idea. You had quite a chunk of gramatical mistakes, but we all make those, right? Nobodys perfect.
I liked it. It's not exactly my favorite, na dI hate to sound mean, but I'd rather sound mean and truthful than nice and a liar.
The story wasn't GREAT, but it didn't stink. It could be something SOO much better than it is if you could work just a BIT harder on it. Revise it a bit, answer some questions, give a bit more character and place descriptions.
This could be WONDERFUL, it just needs to be edited a bit.

[isidra]

Hi dingo :p When you say slasher (its not your fault now, im just so 80's) I think of Slash... Guns and Roses ahahahhahah. Anyway, back to your material... I didnt know you could come up with plots like this. (im sorry I have to agree to the cheesy names part though but who am I?) I liked it overall. Still overwhelmed because Ive known you for so long. LOL. your lit side didnt find me.

['Ginnis]

You had good ideas, the concept of an orphan raised my jungle assasins being brilliant. However, to make this piece strong it takes a lot of work to elaborate on those ideas and develop it into something with a much deeper value. Focus on showing, not telling, using an active tense over a passive. Your weakness lies in keeping the reader interested, which is a struggle when you know you have a good idea but you don't know how to convey it.

[maxaynjj]

The only problems I have with this is she was raised as an assassin from the age of seven then why was she so soft hearted and tried to kill herself? I don't get that. What was with the assassins living in the jungle together in a large group? Most assassins are loners by habit and they would have trust issues. i.e. Keeping their true identity a secret is easier if there are less people who know who you are and what you do.

Not a bad read though.

It seemed a bit choppy. One thing to work on would be varying your sentence structure.
Also, you could use adjectives to make the story more descriptive.

[Ambrose]

I found it curious how the main character Slasher returned to the scene of the murder and conspicuously plucked the murder weapon from the ground with people watching...

[tarotwolf]

hehehe...silly me, I thought your icon's signature line was part of the story. Now I se why it didn't make sense...

As to the story, I feel it moved way too fast. There was no time to develop anything but the very surface aspects of the main character let alone her best friend that she just iced. With a little more character development even the most old hat themes can be a fun read.

I'm looking forward to reading some more of you stuff too. Thanks for sharing.

[Sith Lord Jim]

I agree with what the other people have said. It just does not keep me interested. A nice concept just not executed as well as it could be.

[niamhoneill]

HI,

I agree with most of the other peoples comments. I also noticed some errors and also you jumped tenses at least once. You mentioned something about the kinife "is still there" and then went back into past tense.

Very dark. I feel that it could have been padded out more. With more work it could be good.

[marty2shorty]

Originally Posted by dingoxxx

[b]

He called me by my real name. In fact he was the only one.

In fact?

This doesn't make too much sense to me why you put, "in fact he was the only one.

Scrap these two sentences and put something like:

"He was the only one that called me by my real name."

[Mark_Mulkeen]

Well from a psychological standpoint from the age of 7 until 14 is 7 years. You should mention the age of her first killing. As it stands I would read that and think - after that long a period of time it would be rare for someone to be that unstable considering she must have killed alot of people ..unless she's working part time..jkin

There were obvious errors like's been mentioned - ie the dropping of the knife.

I would also say if someone is unstable after all these years - why didn't she run away? All these elements would help

The writing, was quite timid. It felt devoid of emotion because of a lack of discription. There was no pacing, which wasn't just because of the short length but because of the lack of imagery you used.

It's an interesting idea, you just have to breath more life into it. Goodluck