[EternalPen]

Synopsis: One man's result of getting "lost" in thought after living a hard life.

Note: I wrote every thought I had on this, so don't worry about your mental health if you read it and feel...confused. ^_^


Hal looked around his house. It wasn't very large, it was only the one room he stood in now, and it was totally empty. It was completely void of anything other than the walls, the roof, the door, and the floor.

Hal pulled a small spiral-bound notebook out of his back pocket. There was a purple mechanical pencil that was wedged between the spirals that held the papers together, Hal pulled it out and pressed the eraser down a few times. Even though it was almost completely inaudible, the click of the led being forced out of the tip of the pencil echoed through the house. It bounced off the walls leaving a trail of nothingness behind it as Hal sat down, getting comfortable.

Letters, each about the size of Hal's fist, began to float down like snow from nowhere. He didn't care to look up to see whether it really was from nothing or not, he just grabbed at them. Each one he simply touched continued to float, but fell on the notebook paper where it was to stay for the rest of its existence. Each one he fiercely grabbed and held on to disappeared. The ignored ones hit the floor and sank through, only to fall from the roof again. The notebook read:

"Do or die, preferably both, but only one for now. I should probably go for it, if it fails and I die it's no different then dieing without trying. Time to show off, time to sprout, time to grow. This is where the real fun begins."

Hal smiled, knowing what was coming next. This was why he was here. He, not being able to wait any longer, threw out his hands and touched every letter he could. They rapidly began to form words and he impatiently reached for more. They lined up on the page in this order:

"Grimy, that's what I would call it. The book was grimy. I read it and the only thing I thought about the entire time was the simple fact that it was grimy. I noticed one or two things about the book other than its appearance, but only one or two.

The first thing I noticed was the font of the text; it looked as if it were written by a four year old. The second thing I noticed was that above every page there was a smudge of some odd green-colored substance. Other than that, the entire book was covered in grime and filth.

My brother caressed it lovingly and said that it felt like silk, that each page was enough to keep him happy. He was like that all the time. What really annoyed me about him was that stupid mask he never took off. I tried to take it off of his face one time, but I think he glued it on."

Hal smiled again, this was getting good and could only get better. He double-timed his choosing of letters. He hoped he chose the right ones, he was afraid of messing the story up. He knew though, he couldn't; it was purely impossible. Hal continued to read as he chose letters.

"I swung my sword, still sheathed, in circles. To me it was a baton, to my brother it was a hazard. He kept glaring at me and saying that when the sheath came off and I stabbed myself, he would laugh instead of cry, and he would say 'I told you so' in my face until it all went black and I died. I didn't believe him, of course, So I continued to anyway. Nothing happened, I was perfectly fine.

One day, the sheath did fall off! It surprised me so I let go of the sword, but I didn't kill myself like my brother said I would. Instead, the sword fell down and my brother looked up. The sword hit him, blade first, square in the forehead. I thought that at that moment I had killed my only brother, but instead he looked straight at me, sword still protruding from his head, and told me 'You Cloth Maker's dummy! That could have very well killed me!'

He took the sword out of his forehead and dropped it on the ground. 'I hope that damaged it you fool!' He yelled. I was afraid it had, so I ran to lookat it as my brother ran off screaming to Daddy. One of the jewels had come loose and looked as if it were going to pop out any second. I ran straight to my father, silently, as I pushed as hard as I could on the gem.

My suit was ruined, matted with sweat, when I got to my Father. He was looking at me with anger and fire in his eyes. With tears in mine, I showed him the sword. He saw the ruby and reached for it. He grabbed the edges of the ruby and I thanked him for fixing it. That's when he pulled it out."

Hal stopped moving, and held his breath. The endless downfall of the alphabet's minions continued as Hal stared, wide-eyed at the words that appeared. Was this his fault? Wanting to fix things, he stood up and began to jump around. He was collecting letters faster than ever before and the notebook only used half the ones he collected.

"I ran to my Mother, who was sick in bed, and knocked on her door. I cried out to her to see what Daddy had done, but Mother didn't answer. Was she so sick she couldn't speak? That's when Father showed it to me. Mother's shield was missing the big blue sapphire that rested in the centre.

I ran out of my house, grabbing the sword and ruby, and didn't stop until I reached the edge of our yard. It was a tall cliff so I turned to take the path to the woods. When I turned, I swung my sword. My brother had followed me, but I didn't know. The sword hit him and went through him. Instantly both of his arms, which were hanging at his sides, fell off at the elbow. He tipped back a little and from his torso up, he fell in half.

I would have mourned over this for days and days, but instead some other force guided my actions. I took the mask, which came off easily now, and ran with it into the woods. I have buried them where you sit, Hal. Take them, for they are fixed. Beware though, they're corrupt."

Hal grabbed more letters and touched fewer as the last sentence appeared on the page. He knew that was it, so he didn't reach for anymore. He looked at the floor and beneath him there was a small hole that he must have been sitting on, for he didn't notice it before.

Hal pulled some of the wood back from the hole and reached in. First, he pulled out a mask, next, a sword. The mask was made of cement and was pure white. Black markings plagued the inside of the mask, but the outside was pure.

The sword was beautifully crafted. It had an ivory handle, and a pure gold guard. Though the guard was pure gold, it still had a hint of transparency to it. The blade itself was made of unblemished silver and had a ruby poking in through one side, and protruding from the other. It filled a gap that was purposefully made in the blade.

Hal wielded the sword like a true warrior, and held the mask onto his face. The mask scratched him a little, so he let go, but it stayed where he put it. He smiled.

With this mask, he could escape unnoticed. With this sword, he could put his enemies down, forever. He accepted them and fell over, dead. A new body stood in place of his and opened his mouth to speak.

Hal awoke from his dream, his hair stuck to his face glued with sweat. He looked around his huge house and smiled. He was back home.

"Good morning, Hal." A voice in his head told him. "Wake up and realize it, you're crazy. Wish you hadn't found that sword now, huh? Too late, I'm alive and ready."

[Corneac]

This looks good EP I'll take a closer look and put it up in a bit...remember to keep commenting and participating

[Razor]

Well its definitely interesting. The feel is like a free writing with thoughts flying in from every direction. You did a pretty good job of coraling your thoughts into one chronological order. I guess i should have told you that generally free-writing is used as a pre-rough draft, but actually this story isn't half bad. (I like the end, face it Hal you're crazy...classic) I had to reread some parts to stay up with the story.

Anywho, I might suggest going Italics or Bold for when Hal is writing. It would help iron out what is happening in the story on the page and what is happening in real life. The description is good when used. Mechanics seemed alright, but I am not good a catching things unless they are blatant. Good job overall.

[EternalPen]

Thank you! ^_^

[angel]

excellent EP i like this alot. excellent flow n piece. nice stuff mate. keep it up

kel

[Gurdit]

It was completely void of anything other than the walls, the roof, the door, and the floor.

I like this sentence a lot! I know it's not a poem, but it just rhymes and sounds .. well, pretty

Why have you mentioned Hal's name again in the beginning of the second sentence. It's a little redundant. Might have been better had you simply used a pronoun.

the led being forced out of the tip of the pencil

You might want to check it up, but I think it's "lead", not "led"

Overall, this is very interesting. I didn't understand why Hal felt guilty when the father took the ruby out of the sword.
I also didn't understand why the sapphire went missing (was the narrator's father stealing from them?)

It's a very random, yet interesting read, in my opinion. The reason it manages to retain interest is because you've given it a perfect length. Anything longer may have become boring and kind of too odd.

[EternalPen]

This is one of those tings that I wrote and knew no one but me would understand, but hey! I posted it anyway! ^_^

[RENA HANDS]

Was this intentional…

so I ran to lookat it as my brother ran off screaming to Daddy.

That was my only query. A fascinating read and charming too.

['Ginnis]

You're on leave at present but just a few thoughts...

Perhaps it's the fact that my entire day has been deditcated to Sweeney Todd, but that actually read like a musical in my head. I think that's also a positive reflection upon your writing style, almost lyrical, but containing enough to be prose.

Also, your abuse of Hal's name drove me up the wall. I'm sure it was intended, but if not, work with balancing proper nouns with pro-nouns. Your first half lacked pros and your second lacked propers. It annoyed me. Forgive my OCD.

Like I said....away on holiday.

[Peppy]

That was messed up, but very creative. The creativity in your story captured me. I didn't know what to expect when I read it, but now I'm glad I did read it.

Except you really need to fix up your work. It's kind of messy to read. Dieing should be dying.
Grammer needs to be fixed big time. I know how it feels when you finish a story, it feels like it's finished, but you still need to look over it to make sure if it truly is finished. Get it.

[EternalPen]

Yes. This was something I wrote (I think?) Last year, so most of my stuff is better, this was just skewed a bit from my inexperience. ^_^

[WorldWarCheese]

Huh, you wrote this EP? (For time's sake I've begun printing off 5-10 stories at a time and paper editing them. I accidentally wrote Altair's name under the title.) I spent at least a half hour on this so you won't be getting a general overview until the end of the long "editing" stage I made. Suck it.

papers together, Hal pulled

This is the beginning of a series of serious and serial abuses against my good friend the comma. You put it in where it is unneeded and you do that A LOT. Really, not to be a jerk or anything, but at times it seemed like my fourth grade teacher was going to jump out of my mind in miniature and kick your story's ass.

I know a lot of it is your style of writing. You interject a lot, in almost every third sentence at times, like I just did in this sentence. However, you use it at other times which just make no grammatical sense. To go through and fix them all would be a real waste of my precious time at the moment, but let me just tell you: Lay off the comma. If you can use a period or think "There might or might not be one here" then don't use it. Please.

Sorry if that was harsh, but it got on my nerves and is something that, if addressed, can be fixed relatively easy in one go over.

the click of the led being forced out of the tip of the pencil echoed through the house.

If it is almost inaudible why don't you say "seemed to echo though..." since something almost inaudible wouldn't actually echo like that.

from nowhere. ... only to fall from the roof again.

Does this mean the roof is nowhere?

Each one he simply touched continued to float, but fell on the notebook paper where it was to stay for the rest of its existence.

Clarity. I had to read this four times over to get what you were saying. Try replacing the ", but fell" to "until it fell" to let the reader know that "continuing to float" does not mean float in mid-air for eternity, which is what I originally presumed.

I should probably go for it, if it fails and I die it's no different then dieing without trying.

A good way to cut down on long sentences (a problem I have) is to put one idea or concept to a sentence. Try replacing the "," with a period and see how it looks as two sentences.

He, not being able to wait any longer, threw out his hands and touched every letter he could.

We already know it's Hal. Loose the "he". Not being able to wait any longer, threw out his hands and touched every letter he could.

Just personal choice, but I'd find a word other than "threw" for the hand motion. Throwing is an act of releasing, while he's actually trying to grab and touch things.

began to form words and he impatiently reached for more. They lined up on the page in this order:

"In this order" seems an odd set of words. Try As they hit the page they formed these words or something. It just seemed like a very awkward sentence to me.

My brother caressed it lovingly and said that it felt like silk, that each page was enough to keep him happy. He was like that all the time. What really annoyed me about him was that stupid mask he never took off. I tried to take it off of his face one time, but I think he glued it on."

This looked a lot big in Font Size 13 Ariel on a printed page than it does here. What I don't like is the entire little shpeal up to then was about this grimy old book and then suddenly: BAM! it's all about the brother. Try adding bits about the brother into the beginning of the arc to make it seem less random or something. It's just so out of the blue in such a mundane and accidental fashion that I don't think it was actually a purposeful placement (or was it?). Either way, talking about the brother from the beginning WITH the book would make for a smoother transition.

Hal smiled again, this was getting good and could only get better. He double-timed his choosing of letters. He hoped he chose the right ones, he was afraid of messing the story up. He knew though, he couldn't; it was purely impossible. Hal continued to read as he chose letters.

Hal, he, he, Hal: We know who it is, dammit. Repeating "he" and "Hal" just gets annoying for the reader. Just assume we know it's Hal sometimes, please.

I swung my sword, still sheathed, in circles.

A good example of your writing style, but it doesn't really fit here. The "still sheathed" in the middle is a little confusing. Try I swung my still sheathed sword in circles, it makes the sentence clearer to the reader and is a lot less choppy. (Remember, commas are pauses in the reading so the more you add the choppier your work seems)

he would laugh instead of cry, and he would say 'I told you so' in my face until it all went black and I died. I didn't believe him, of course, So I continued to anyway. Nothing happened, I was perfectly fine.

laugh instead of cry and would say Try that. Less choppy.
The "s" in "So" should be lower case.

I thought that at that moment I had killed my only brother, but instead he looked straight at me, sword still protruding from his head

You use ", but" waaaaaaay too many times. Mix up your syntax and sentence structure, it makes the reading a lot less repetitive and therefor a lot more fun to read. Try:
... had killed my only brother. Instead... etc

[quote]I ran straight to my father, silently, as I ... etc[quote]
The silently is really unneeded and only makes me think "Why is he being so quiet?" which is a question that never gets answered.

My suit was ruined, matted with sweat, when I got to my Father

In one sentence father is capitalized and the other it is not. Please choose one and stick with it.

looking at me with anger and fire in his eyes

This seemed a bit odd. Try dropping the "anger" and just "with fire in his eyes". It gets the point across and is less awkward to read.

and the notebook only used half of the ones he collected.

Hal collecting even faster is speeding up the process. The notebook loosing half slows it down. I don't get it. Speeding up the pace with the faster collecting gets me excited, as if something important is happening or the pace of the story is quickening. The feel is then completely lost and reversed with the second part. I recommend giving it the ax.

Father showed it to me. Mother's shield was missing the big blue sapphire that rested in the centre.

This confused me a bit. What is "it" in the first sentence and then where did the shield come from in the second? I recommend switching the placement. So that the father shows Hal the shield and it is missing the blue sapphire. That clears away the confusion very easily.

He fell in half

That was awkward sounding. Fell in half? I mean, does someone really FALL in half or is cut in half and then falls? Maybe try He fell to the ground, cut completely in half or something.

He knew that was it, so he didn't reach for anymore.

Again, an awkward sentence. Try, He stopped reaching for the letters as he knew it was finally done or something.

Hal pulled some of the wood back from the hole and reached in. First, he pulled out a mask, next, a sword. The mask was made of cement and was pure white. Black markings plagued the inside of the mask, but the outside was pure.

You use "pure" twice. Take out a thesaurus. And "plagued" seemed a little weird there. A plague is a pestilence or a corrosive sort of thing where the black is kind of just there; try using "dotted" or some other word. Also instead of the ", but" at the end, use "while". This was a paragraph of much needed word choice change.

The sword was beautifully crafted. It had an ivory handle, and a pure gold guard. Though the guard was pure gold, it still had a hint of transparency to it

This was two long sentences that actually describe very little. Basically, unneeded words inserted. Try It had an ivory handle and a pure gold guard that had a hint of transparency to it Shorter, easier to read, maintains flow.

It filled a gap that was purposefully made in the blade.

Unless you say otherwise, I think the ruby in the blade is assumed by the reader to purposefully be there.

The rest was comma problems.

GENERAL THOUGHTS (If you skipped the rest I'm cutting off your testicles with a spork)
Style of writing: Cool. A framed story that in the end affects the frame. The way the story comes about: with the falling letters and shit is cool. VERY COOL.

Problems: Word choice. Being conservative with the amount of words you use to say one thing. Commas. Sentence structure (I got confused a lot, and not from the actual story but from the way it was written).

Things to improve upon: Talk to your 3rd -5th grade teachers for help on comma usage. Also, vary the sentence structure. Don't always interject. Challenge yourself. Use other ways to add those little notes, it'll make you seem a more mature writer.

Basically: Good idea, write for a while more to develop your style and then come back and redo it. I'd love to read it then.

[EternalPen]

Originally Posted by WorldWarCheese

Things to improve upon: Talk to your 3rd -5th grade teachers for help on comma usage.

I don't want to sound like I'm defending myself (because I know you were just telling me what needed improvement), but I kind of am. Sorry.

This is something I wrote a while back, like I said earlier, but the problem is that I'm too lazy to ever go back and re-write stuff. I have a word document with twenty ages of story ideas, I'm currently overwhelmed. I have too much NEW material to go back and fix something that sucked.

So I HAVE gotten better and comma usage and sentence structure and all that, but I wasn't better when I wrote this. I sucked when I wrote this. I didn't write it I CRAPPED it.

SO. I know this makes me sound like a horrible person, but look at my signature! I am!

I'm too lazy to fix it so I probably won't.