[EternalPen]

Synopsis: Benjamin awakes in a tortured place with no memories, only the horror that surrounds him. Where is he?

Static. That was what that noise was! It was static...

That crackling of electronic black and white paper was fizzling throughout my head, a grayish transparent film glazed over everything in my view, and a strong smell of burning wood, burning plants, and burning flesh crept up my nostrils and diluted all my other senses. Everything in the whole room was burning, including myself. There was no fire, but definitely smoke, I knew this because it burned my lungs as I inhaled it, and it was choking me with its curling, almost pulsing, tendrils of hateful intent and misery.

My eyes began to water up as they calmly collected the air around me, though the rest of my body screamed out that I was, indeed, in horrible pain. I tried to close my eyes, but every part of me, as I soon realized, was battered and bruised to the point of a sort of paralysis. Injured beyond what I could know, I tried to breathe deep to rejuvenate my muscles to the point that I could at least crawl forward a bit.

The smoke laughed in my face as I inhaled it deeply, forgetting it was there. I tried hard and, eventually, was able to shut my battered and blood-soaked spongy eyelids. I tried to picture myself in a calm and inviting safe haven but couldn't remember anything but this horrible pain, and regret.

For a few moments, I thought I had undoubtedly been tossed into the fires of Hell, but that strange static that filled my ears replaced the omitted horrifying screams of tortured souls as they begged for salvation and mercy, which they rejected while they were still alive. I was not in Hell, but then I began to think that I was somewhere worse. How did I get here, and why was I dying? No past, possibly no future, and a present that defied everything I might know if I could take a relaxing moment and actually think for a while.

The static that wracked my very soul with an uneasiness that I never knew existed ceased for a split second. When it returned, I could hear, throughout it all, a voice. It was a light in this dark and malevolent cave.

The voice sounded pure and relaxed, but only for a moment. It then merged with the static, and the quickly intensifying and exasperating noise became one with the words that were coming from, what felt like, all around me. My muscles were relaxed because they had no power. I could not use them, so they stayed in the futile sludge that they were.

But that voice... that voice relaxed them in a way that I had never felt since I had awaken in this ruined box of terror. The voice called out to someone; it spoke a name.

"Mariah!" the feminine voice screamed.

The words bounded around the room like fire and could have possibly torn the place down like fire if it hadn't slowly and eventually dissipated from moving around so much.

The voice repeated the name, but softer this time, like a whisper. I felt a cold chill go down my spine as the name that was spoken landed gently on my ears and crawled in to take refuge from everything else. Like a parasite, the word burrowed deeper into my thoughts until it was the only thing I could think about.

I thought hard and still could not decide who the name belonged to. I figured it was either the name of the person that spoke it, or my name. I was pushed aside in my own thoughts by a memory that rushed past. I caught a quick glimpse of it as it dashed away, never to be fully recovered.

Mariah was the name of my wife. I remembered now... the literal translation of her name was "Sea Of Despair". It was her name that was being spoken, but it was not her voice that was speaking it.

I tried hard to remember everything else about Mariah, but nothing came to me. I strained hard to find the energy and finally yelled, "MARIAH!" as loudly as I could.

I felt a warm, loving hand rest itself on my upper back, between my shoulder blades. I then realized that my shirt was missing. My body felt as if it were bursting into flames, but that hand was not hot, only warm. My body fell calm and cool as I was able to finally feel relaxed. My muscles regained their strength, and, rich in confidence, I stood up.

I turned to see who it was that unshackled my strength and returned it me, but when I saw her face, I became weak again. My richness in confidence disappeared instantly, and I was back on the lonely forest path, poor again.

Her face was completely blue, and her eyes were as red as hell itself. The walls that held the room I was in burst into bright red flames and blazing wooden beams crashed violently into the floor around me.

She smiled and asked, "So you do remember me?"

I walked backwards and nearly stepped on a wooden inferno that had just recently fallen from the ceiling. The static screamed in my ears and coursed through my very veins as it continued to grow in volume. The static took a physical form on the creature that claimed to be Mariah as her figure changed rapidly from a psychotic demon, to flickering hell-fire, then to the static I was hearing.

"Tell me my name again," she commanded.

Her voice caused the flames to no longer tremble with excitement and fury, but tremble with fear. The sweet voice I heard a moment ago was replaced with a crackling and inhumanly deep roar, making the words she formed barely comprehensible.

I suddenly knew that if I did not call her Mariah, I would die. I knew, at the same moment, that if I called her Mariah, I would live, but be dead in my own soul.

I screamed the name she wanted to hear. "MARIAH..." The creature began to smile until I finished screaming my statement over the roar of the static. "...LOVES ME!"

The creature's smile disappeared, and it looked confused. I though that this creature was a God and could do anything it wanted, but now I knew I was wrong. It looked over its shoulder and behind itself for a moment, which signified that a thought had arisen in its mind. The thought must have been wondering if I was talking to her when I spoke, or someone behind her. She didn't know; therefore, she wasn't a God.

I tried to scream my final statement over the quiet of it all. The static had grown so loud that I heard a pop, and then everything was silent. I must have gone deaf.

Before I could even get the first letter of my statement out, she screamed something out so loud that my own words were shoved down my throat, and I was forced to take a step back to keep from toppling over.

My heart stopped beating.

I knew whatever she said would have kept me silent, but I could no longer hear her. I closed my eyes and told myself her screaming was the wind, and I yelled as loud as my lungs would allow, "I DO NOT KNOW YOU!"

Everything stopped, the blazing heat, the wind, my muscles that were beginning to fail me suddenly regained their strength, and my heart began to beat again. I could hear again, too.

A quiet, but very annoying beep sounded off every second or so. I opened my eyes with the greatest of ease.

I was no longer beaten up, no longer battered and bloody, and no longer standing. I was lying on a hospital bed and I heard a voice tell me, "Woo! Thought we lost you there! Rise and shine, Mr. Benjamin. You're going to be A-okay!"

I looked around and a few doctors were looking down at me. One of them took her mask off to reveal the lovely face of my wife, Mariah. Everything, all my memories and strength, flooded through me and my mind. I sat up and looked around some more, still not understanding what had just happened.

Mariah leaned in close and whispered in my ear through anger-gritted teeth, "I told you this freakin' idea wouldn't work! You almost died!" She gave me a scolding look and began to smile again when the others looked at her.

I regained my last memory.

I left this world for a moment with a book of demonic arts I had found. I knew it was against everything I believed, but I left to retrieve my dead daughter from the pits of hell itself. I remember falling down the pit and landing in a room, the blow to my head from the landing knocked me into unconsciousness, and, apparently, temporary amnesia.

I sighed, she was gone, and I would never be able to change that. I had almost killed myself trying.

I set myself back down in the bed, and everything melted away as I thought about my poor, poor daughter.

I stole a quick glance at Mariah, and I saw something that left me speechless, hopeless, and horrified. Her eyes began to glow red for a quick moment, and her face turned slightly blue. The same happened with all the doctors, too, but only for a second.

I hadn't returned yet...

[Lubesh]

Shame no one has take time to read this but encouragd by ur other stuff i felt i had to. Your vivid writing and imagery and sheer enthusiasm comes out and i was spellbound even afer many conclusions of my own till you shed light at the end which was a surprise and a dark and eery one.....great stuff!

[Tahn]

This was awesome! I loved the way you turned it around in the end, with the protagonist not returning to reality yet. It was creepy, but totally awesome! I think you could expain the character a little bit more, like Mariah and the staticy demon, otherwise its good. Good job!

[EternalPen]

Thank you! I was thinking this wouldn't be as good as my other stuff, but thanks for telling me! ^_^

Wonderful story. Nice twist. It generally flows nicely, however if I can make a simple observation.

You use 'I' and 'me' a lot. Perhaps trying to find other ways to lead into sentences and bringing the perspective back to you as a character would make it flow a little more smoothly. Just small things ..

I knew whatever she said would have kept me silent, but I could no longer hear her. I closed my eyes and told myself her screaming was the wind, and I yelled as loud as my lungs would allow, "I DO NOT KNOW YOU!"

The use of 'I' multiple times starts to dampen the flow of a story. Modifying it slightly ( in my opinion only, not saying this is what you should do, only a suggestion ) would make it flow just a 'little' more smoothly.

Whatever she said would have kept me silent, but I could no longer hear her. Closing my eyes and telling myself her screaming was the wind. I yelled "I DO NOT KNOW YOU!" as loud as my lungs would allow.

This is entirely my opinion. And I state again I enjoyed your story greatly. And look forward to more of your writing.

The above message was posted by me 'DyingTech' a new user that can't for some reason post yet under the user name. Sorry for the double post.

[EternalPen]

No problem, thanks for reading and giving me your suggestions! ^_^

[maxaynjj]

You had my attention from beginning to end. Great read and I can't wait to see if he ever gets to save his daught or himself.

[DanHill]

awsome man

really awsome

[EternalPen]

Thanks all, but sorry max... I dont think I'll be writing a conclusion to this. You're welcome to imagine whatever you want! ^_^ Heck, you could send me your ideas or even write your own conclusion or part two or whatever, but I won't be doing it. Sorry.

[Nastizzy]

I really like it. I was totally hooked. I really liked your descriptions.
It's such a disturbing concept for me, but it was totally original and you had great plot twists.

[Ambrose]

Well, apart from the book of demonic arts and whatever procedure it is that they perform on the protagonist at the end to return him to reality, I understood and enjoyed. The detail you put into this story really helped me get an image in my mind of the setting, along with the blue demon. Everything seemed grammatically correct and it flowed nicely.

The biggest problem with this story is really that book you mention. You need to explain its origins and its capabilities better, and at least lend some idea as to why it does what it does. When I read that sentence, it felt like a slap in the face: "Uh, he was able to travel to hell by reading a book?"

Also, I like that he journeys to hell to retrieve his daughter but this could use a bit more foreshadowing. Have him call out to his daughter, instead of his wife. That way, the reader can begin to expect what his purpose is and not simply say "Oh, so that was it" at the end.

['Ginnis]

Amamzing imagery throughout the entire piece. Really, lovely with the almost empty feeling in the beginning. I was reminded of the scene from The Sixth Sense where you find out that its the mother who was actually poisoning her daughter...anyways, that's so not the point. I feel that your ending was slightly brash though, your story was very well paced but then you get smacked with this different style that doesn't quite compliment the previous flow. If you wished theres plenty you could do to expand on this. Good work, though.

[jaziz69]

Hi, I'm just trying to give constructive criticism, so sorry if i sound a bit harsh at any time! In first instances I found your description extremely vivid and enjoyable; your detail enabled me to construct a clear image of what may be happening. However, i felt as i read on some of this description was quite unnecessary and didn't really move the narrative along, although i realise that this seems a mainly descriptive piece. Sometimes i also felt certain language and words you used drew away from the 'fear' of the hell situation e.g.

"My muscles were relaxed because they had no power. I could not use them, so they stayed in the futile sludge that they were."

You probably could loose the second sentence in this quote as well, although it's obviously completely up to you.
It almost seemed that in the second half of the story you sometimes got a bit 'sloppy' with your description and it sometimes didn't keep in with the 'hellish' syntax.
This line really bugged me as well:

"It looked over its shoulder and behind itself for a moment, which signified that a thought had arisen in its mind. The thought must have been wondering if I was talking to her when I spoke, or someone behind her. She didn't know; therefore, she wasn't a God."

It just seems a bit of a messy sentence, but hey, that what editing's for!

Someone also posted before about the extreme uses of "I", and i have to agree. I really does slow the narrative and halt the flow.

I liked the ending, but it seems rather abrupt considering the descriptive length of everything prior; it feels a bit rushed. You have a cool idea, and i think with some more development you could really give it that 'fear factor'.

Keep writing, all the best.

[tarotwolf]

I liked the idea of the story but I think another page would have gone a long way to clear a few things up. Clues, for example, of why he was there before his memory returned. "Who was this girl in the locket I held in my hand. I should have known her, I was certain of that, but how?"

I really like the end. Oldest trick in pysch torture, make them think they've escaped!

All in all, a very entertaining concept presented well. Thanks for sharing.

[Supa Boi]

Originally Posted by EternalPen

Synopsis: Benjamin awakes in a tortured place with no memories, only the horror that surrounds him. Where is he?

Static. That was what that noise was! It was static...

That crackling of electronic black and white paper was fizzling throughout my head, a grayish transparent film glazed over everything in my view, and a strong smell of burning wood, burning plants, and burning flesh crept up my nostrils and diluted all my other senses. Everything in the whole room was burning, including myself. There was no fire, but definitely smoke, I knew this because it burned my lungs as I inhaled it, and it was choking me with its curling, almost pulsing, tendrils of hateful intent and misery.

My eyes began to water up as they calmly collected the air around me, though the rest of my body screamed out that I was, indeed, in horrible pain. I tried to close my eyes, but every part of me, as I soon realized, was battered and bruised to the point of a sort of paralysis. Injured beyond what I could know, I tried to breathe deep to rejuvenate my muscles to the point that I could at least crawl forward a bit.

The smoke laughed in my face as I inhaled it deeply, forgetting it was there. I tried hard and, eventually, was able to shut my battered and blood-soaked spongy eyelids. I tried to picture myself in a calm and inviting safe haven but couldn't remember anything but this horrible pain, and regret.

For a few moments, I thought I had undoubtedly been tossed into the fires of Hell, but that strange static that filled my ears replaced the omitted horrifying screams of tortured souls as they begged for salvation and mercy, which they rejected while they were still alive. I was not in Hell, but then I began to think that I was somewhere worse. How did I get here, and why was I dying? No past, possibly no future, and a present that defied everything I might know if I could take a relaxing moment and actually think for a while.

The static that wracked my very soul with an uneasiness that I never knew existed ceased for a split second. When it returned, I could hear, throughout it all, a voice. It was a light in this dark and malevolent cave.

The voice sounded pure and relaxed, but only for a moment. It then merged with the static, and the quickly intensifying and exasperating noise became one with the words that were coming from, what felt like, all around me. My muscles were relaxed because they had no power. I could not use them, so they stayed in the futile sludge that they were.

But that voice... that voice relaxed them in a way that I had never felt since I had awaken in this ruined box of terror. The voice called out to someone; it spoke a name.

"Mariah!" the feminine voice screamed.

The words bounded around the room like fire and could have possibly torn the place down like fire if it hadn't slowly and eventually dissipated from moving around so much.

The voice repeated the name, but softer this time, like a whisper. I felt a cold chill go down my spine as the name that was spoken landed gently on my ears and crawled in to take refuge from everything else. Like a parasite, the word burrowed deeper into my thoughts until it was the only thing I could think about.

I thought hard and still could not decide who the name belonged to. I figured it was either the name of the person that spoke it, or my name. I was pushed aside in my own thoughts by a memory that rushed past. I caught a quick glimpse of it as it dashed away, never to be fully recovered.

Mariah was the name of my wife. I remembered now... the literal translation of her name was "Sea Of Despair". It was her name that was being spoken, but it was not her voice that was speaking it.

I tried hard to remember everything else about Mariah, but nothing came to me. I strained hard to find the energy and finally yelled, "MARIAH!" as loudly as I could.

I felt a warm, loving hand rest itself on my upper back, between my shoulder blades. I then realized that my shirt was missing. My body felt as if it were bursting into flames, but that hand was not hot, only warm. My body fell calm and cool as I was able to finally feel relaxed. My muscles regained their strength, and, rich in confidence, I stood up.

I turned to see who it was that unshackled my strength and returned it me, but when I saw her face, I became weak again. My richness in confidence disappeared instantly, and I was back on the lonely forest path, poor again.

Her face was completely blue, and her eyes were as red as hell itself. The walls that held the room I was in burst into bright red flames and blazing wooden beams crashed violently into the floor around me.

She smiled and asked, "So you do remember me?"

I walked backwards and nearly stepped on a wooden inferno that had just recently fallen from the ceiling. The static screamed in my ears and coursed through my very veins as it continued to grow in volume. The static took a physical form on the creature that claimed to be Mariah as her figure changed rapidly from a psychotic demon, to flickering hell-fire, then to the static I was hearing.

"Tell me my name again," she commanded.

Her voice caused the flames to no longer tremble with excitement and fury, but tremble with fear. The sweet voice I heard a moment ago was replaced with a crackling and inhumanly deep roar, making the words she formed barely comprehensible.

I suddenly knew that if I did not call her Mariah, I would die. I knew, at the same moment, that if I called her Mariah, I would live, but be dead in my own soul.

I screamed the name she wanted to hear. "MARIAH..." The creature began to smile until I finished screaming my statement over the roar of the static. "...LOVES ME!"

The creature's smile disappeared, and it looked confused. I though that this creature was a God and could do anything it wanted, but now I knew I was wrong. It looked over its shoulder and behind itself for a moment, which signified that a thought had arisen in its mind. The thought must have been wondering if I was talking to her when I spoke, or someone behind her. She didn't know; therefore, she wasn't a God.

I tried to scream my final statement over the quiet of it all. The static had grown so loud that I heard a pop, and then everything was silent. I must have gone deaf.

Before I could even get the first letter of my statement out, she screamed something out so loud that my own words were shoved down my throat, and I was forced to take a step back to keep from toppling over.

My heart stopped beating.

I knew whatever she said would have kept me silent, but I could no longer hear her. I closed my eyes and told myself her screaming was the wind, and I yelled as loud as my lungs would allow, "I DO NOT KNOW YOU!"

Everything stopped, the blazing heat, the wind, my muscles that were beginning to fail me suddenly regained their strength, and my heart began to beat again. I could hear again, too.

A quiet, but very annoying beep sounded off every second or so. I opened my eyes with the greatest of ease.

I was no longer beaten up, no longer battered and bloody, and no longer standing. I was lying on a hospital bed and I heard a voice tell me, "Woo! Thought we lost you there! Rise and shine, Mr. Benjamin. You're going to be A-okay!"

I looked around and a few doctors were looking down at me. One of them took her mask off to reveal the lovely face of my wife, Mariah. Everything, all my memories and strength, flooded through me and my mind. I sat up and looked around some more, still not understanding what had just happened.

Mariah leaned in close and whispered in my ear through anger-gritted teeth, "I told you this freakin' idea wouldn't work! You almost died!" She gave me a scolding look and began to smile again when the others looked at her.

I regained my last memory.

I left this world for a moment with a book of demonic arts I had found. I knew it was against everything I believed, but I left to retrieve my dead daughter from the pits of hell itself. I remember falling down the pit and landing in a room, the blow to my head from the landing knocked me into unconsciousness, and, apparently, temporary amnesia.

I sighed, she was gone, and I would never be able to change that. I had almost killed myself trying.

I set myself back down in the bed, and everything melted away as I thought about my poor, poor daughter.

I stole a quick glance at Mariah, and I saw something that left me speechless, hopeless, and horrified. Her eyes began to glow red for a quick moment, and her face turned slightly blue. The same happened with all the doctors, too, but only for a second.

I hadn't returned yet...

So is he going to get out?

[timtornado3721]

There was a lot of good description in this story and some good metaphor usage in your writing. Maybe not your best one yet but that shouldn't discourage you.