[Vince]

Synopsis: A man comes face to face with himself and has to make a decision in order to move on


Author note: This one is my first piece, so be as strict as you can. The chanting is written in greek, but with english characters and last but not least, I have a line taken from Monty Python's "Dead Parrot" sketch. If it's considered plagiarism, just let me know so I can edit it. That's all. Thanks for reading.


He opened his violet eyes and looked around in the dark, silent room. The man breathed heavily and desperately tried to find an exit from his "cage", only to find out he was in a square chamber with no apparent ways out. No doors, no windows whatsoever. Drops of sweat had now started to fall in the marble floor. A little boy appeared in the middle of the room. He must have been around eight, maybe nine years old. The boy calmly stared at the man.

"Who are you? Where am I?" asked the man, timorously.

"Compose yourself Jack. It will all become clear after a few moments." The boy's voice sounded inane and cold.

"Who are you?" repeated Jack. "How do you know my name? Answer me!"

"I know your name, because you know your name. As for who I am, I cannot answer you."

"What are you talking about? This is nonsense! What is this place?" Jack moved towards the boy, angrily.

"I told you Jack, compose yourself!" The last two words echoed in the chamber, making the man freeze.

"Who are you?" asked Jack for the third time, but now he was more scared than angry.

"I will try to answer you. I am nothing. I am an illusion, a projection of your memories, your feelings, your fears." added looking him intensively. He continued. "I do not know who or what I am. You and only you possess the knowledge for my identity. Maybe it is in your subconscious. But that does not matter. You are here for a reason. Do you know the reason", he paused for a moment there, "Jack?"

"What are you talking about? I don't believe you!", he shouted, "Where the hell am I!?"

"Close enough. Do you remember anything that happened before you were taken in this room?"

"Taken? By who? Am I kidnapped?" Jack was now shouting in the empty room.

"Kidnapped? Alas, that is not the case. And no need to shout. There is noone here to hear you. So you do not remember anything?"

"I... I remember a strong light, and a distant cry... and then this... What's this place? Please answer me!" He had exhausted himself by trying to gather the last of his memories.

"You are dead Jack." the boy simply and shortly stated.

"Dead? What do you mean dead? I can see you, I can talk with you! Why are you fucking with me!?" Jack once again shouted, making the walls shake.

"Enough Jack! I told you before, there is no need to raise your voice! I can hear you!" replied the boy louder than the man. "And yes, you are indeed dead." exclaimed calmly now.

"Dead? I'm not dead! I'm alive! I can speak, I can breathe, and I am not dead! And I will shout and yell! You know why? 'Cuz I'm alive and that's what alive people do! I surely am not dead!" He breathed heavily as soon as he finished. All the shouting had made his face red.

"You sure are dead my friend. Pushing up the daisies, passed to the other side. You are about to cross the gate. You are dead! Look outside the window." A window suddenly appeared on the right wall of the room. "Go, do not be afraid, Jack." Jack slowly and hesitantly approached the window, obviously stunned by the unexpected twist of events. He pulled the crimson curtains, stared outside for about five seconds, when he finally turned to the boy.

"What does that mean?" he asked with a slow and silent voice.

"What did you see?"

"I saw... void, just void. Nothing, but a white endless area. What is the meaning of this? Am I... dead? But... but how did I die? Oh my God..." He slowly raised his eyes to meet the boy, as if he just realised his presence there. "Are you, are you God?"

"I told you who I am. I am not God, that is for sure. But who is the God you refer to? Is it the Trinity of the Christians, or the God of the Judaism? You can also mean Allah of the Islam, Buddha of the Buddhism, the gods of Hinduism. Then there is the Yin and the Yang theory and let us not forget about the Animists who worship the sun, the water and the nature in general. What about Zeus and Osiris? You should know there are thousands of religions I can mention, but all the eternity would not be enough to explain even the half of them. Not that you do not have the time..."

"But how I died? And what's this room?" Jack had started to compromise with the idea of death.

"A car accident. You were speeding Jack." The boy stared at him sternly.

"So this is the after life? Heaven? Hell?" he asked impatiently.

"All in good time. This is a transient stage between your past and future life, if you are going to have one." he underlined. "Do no get excited. You will not live again. This is a foolish theory of the insecure humans to soothe their agony and fear. But there is no need to feel afraid. At least not yet. You wish to know what happens next, Jack?"

"Yes, I do." The anger was gone and replaced by a warm feeling of hope, but at the same time anxiety. "I do." he repeated.

"So be it. I am gonna take you to a vast and huge chamber. Not a dark and ghastly like this one. It is a chamber full of light and full of doors. Yes, doors. There will be millions of millions of doors in that room. Big, small, wooden, stone, red, white, brown everything your limited mind can imagine and more. You will take your time and choose one of these doors. I will ask you: 'Are you sure, Jack?'. If you reply positively I will open that door for you and you will enter it, never looking back. Here is the catch: You do not know what is inside the doors, good or bad, neither if there is something in the door in the first place. The inside of the doors is up to your actions, while you were still alive. Think it as a TV show. Lots of curtains. You pick the right one and you win some gifts. You pick the wrong ones; you get nothing or in some cases smaller gifts. You understand all these, Jack?"

"I think I do... So all I have to do is pick a door. And you say that the inside of the doors depends on my past life... I don't know. I wasn't bad, but I wasn't the best Christian either."

"There is not Christianity, Jack." the boy said. "If you are so afraid you can choose not to open any door. Of course this means you will spend the rest of eternity in the chamber, roaming forever and more. I need to know Jack, are you ready for the doors?"

"Take me to them." Jack sure looked more confident. The boy raised both his arms and started chanting a beautiful but dire rhapsody.


Akouste me eseis sofoi kai aionioi fulakes tis pilis

zitao tin voithia sas gia na odigiso

tin hameni auti psihi piso ekei pou anikei ekei pou

eseis vasileuete gia oli tin aioniotita

kai akoma parapano akouste me kai kante tin euhi mou

pragmatikotita tora mesa apo toses

epikliseis sas zito na dehteite to skopo mou to logo

pou dimiourgithika apo esas kai

apo auto to thnito parte mas stin aithousa ton aionion

fonon kai deixte toy tin alitheia

akouste tin paraklisi mou kai doste mou auto pou zito

stin aithousa me tis hiliades i mi

pyles gia na prohorisei autos mazi mou akouste me


The previous gloomy and dispiriting room flashed before their eyes and they found themselves in an immense place, filled with light. The walls seemed to have eyes and strange voices could be heard all around this room. Whispers and insignificant sounds forced a new feeling upon Jack's soul. Despair. Cold, abrupt despair, ready to consume what was left of him.

"I... can't do that, I feel weak..." Jack managed to say. "I wanna leave this room, take it away. Take it away!" The last sentence sounded all over the chamber. The voices stopped at once.

"This is better Jack." said the boy. "Now, here is your door." A door appeared out of the blue in front of them. A middle sized, wooden door. Signs were carved all over it, in a strange language.

"What do you mean? You said that the room would have millions of doors."

"No need Jack. This is the door you are going to pick." His voice becomes a sort of mockery.

"What!? You mean that even now, my life is ruled by someone other? I want to make my own choices! Show me all the doors!" he shouted again.

"Do not shout Jack. This is your door. Wake up, father." His voice becomes warm, full of agony and sympathy.

"What did you just say? Father?" asked Jack.

"No, I said that this is your door. Are you going to open it? Please father, don't leave. I love you. Stay with me."

"Shut up! I'm not your fucking father! Show me the doors and stop calling me father!"

"Father wake up, I'll be a good boy, I swear! Make you decision Jack!" The boy instantly changed the tone of his voice from sad to severe.

"Stop this! I told you to shut up! I'm not your dad!"

The voices started again to fill the chamber. But this time the slow whispers had turned to wild screams.

"Quickly Jack! Make up your mind! Please father, wake up, stay with me!" shouted the boy, so he could be heard over the screams of the walls.

"Shut up! Take away the fucking door. I will not obey your will!" His eyes had turned from violet to dark red.

"Are you sure Jack? Father, stay with me!" asked the boy, while the walls had started to shake and the screams became more and more real and close.

"I am sure! And stop these screams! My head's about to explode!"

"So be it." replied the boy with his normal cold voice. The voices stopped at once. The walls ceased to move. Silence fell over the room yet again. "Before I go Jack, take a look inside the door." The boy opened the door.

"I don't want! I won't be manipulated to what you want me to do." exclaimed angrily, as the door had started to come to his direction.

"Just a look, Jack. Come on. No one will force you to enter the door. Not anymore. Look!"

Jack couldn't refuse to the boy. The way he said these words, his voice... He stepped towards the door and looked inside.

"Tell me Jack, what do you see?"

"What's this? I see myself on a bed and you're above it. I open my eyes and you hug me... What's this? Tell me!"

"How nice father! Things turned up well for them." said the boy in a happy voice.

"You're not my son! Stop fucking with my head!"

"I am not your son. This boy there was your son." He pointed at the open door. "You cannot remember much of your life, can you? You see this man had fallen into a coma. It was his son's love and compassion that saved him. Look how happy they are."

"You lied to me! You didn't tell me you are my son! That I have a son!" yelled angrily at the boy.

"You do not have a son Jack. Not anymore. You know what that boy was saying to his father?" asked the boy.

"Shut up! You liar!"

"You know. I am positive you"You tricked me!"
know. He was speaking to him. These were approximately his words: 'Don't leave father! I love you! Stay with me!' Does that ring a bell?"

"No Jack! You and only you tricked your own self! You were so determined that we had set your destiny."

"'We?' Who's 'We'? Answer me, damn you!"

"It does not matter Jack. The door closes for you. You made your choice. Good luck." The door closed with a loud noise. The room became gloomy and dark like the previous. The hope had gone, only despair and agony was left.

"NO! Don't leave me! Tell me what's going to happen! What has happened!" he yelled as the screams from the wall started their mourning chanting.

"Nothing is going to happen. You chose to close the door. Now you will roam endlessly in this empty room, with only companion these voices. You will curse yourself for all eternity, for not opening the door, until oblivion comes and take you apart."

"NO! OPEN THE DOOR!"

"I am sorry Jack. I cannot do that. But I will tell you this, if it comforts you. You were right. We did set your destiny. We knew all along you would not open the door." The boy for the first time smiled between his teeth.

"Who are you!? Answer me!" Jack shouted as the boy was fading. The walls were anxious. Screams and cries were sounding in the chamber.

The boy waved his hand and opened his mouth, as he was disappearing.

"Goodnight, father."

[Phonoho]

It would be helpful if you could highlight the borrowed line so we could identify it for research and edit if needed. Just edit the font color and save.

[Vince]

Well if you google "dead parrot" you'll get the script

[Phonoho]

How important are those lines? I'm not sure I want to make that call without the input of other editors. It could easily be paraphrased -

You have bought the farm! You have been unceremoniously deleted. St. Peter now awaits your arrival. Off with you, to the Pearly Gates you go!

There are lots of ways to tell someone that they are dead if they don't know it already. You could even couch a couple of the more ambiguous lines into your paraphrase.

[Vince]

It' not that i couldn't paraphrased it and no they aren't important to the plot.

I just put 'em as a reference. I could miss the whole part and don't mind so it's not a big deal if you decide to delete 'em. Just lemme know if you want to miss it, so i can edit.

[RENA HANDS]

You missed a period in ending the synopsis sentence.

Synopsis: A man comes face to face with himself and has to make a decision in order to move on

A second complaint, the font size and color.

"I am an illusion, a projection of your memories, your feelings, and your fears." added looking him intensively."

No period needed, just a comma also "and."

I don't believe you!", he shouted, "Where the hell am I!?"

Lose the comma.

"is noone here to hear you. So you do not remember anything?"

No one should be separated.

"He slowly raised his eyes to meet the boy, as if he just realized his presence there."

The word is realized with an "z."

"I am not God, that is for sure."

I am not God that is for sure. No comma needed if using that.

"You should know there are thousands of religions I can mention, but all the eternity would not be enough to explain even the half of them."

Place "not," in different location.

You should know there are thousands of religions I can mention, but not all eternity would not be enough to explain even the half of them.

"This is better Jack." said the boy."

"This is better Jack," said the boy.

"A door appeared out of the blue in front on them."

How about "A door appeared unexpectedly in front of them.

I have never seen the movie mentioned, but I am certain that there is a rule regulating quotes burrowed from "Dead Parrot." Paraphrase, that is the word. Paraphrase that what you wanted to add into the story. There were also a few repeating thoughts which was a hassle to read. The story in general was pleasant, but presentation was a hurdle.

[adrianhayter]

If you would, please re-edit the type to black. This is hard to read.

[Vince]

Thanks for the feedback everyone and for your useful corrections rena.

Adrian, i edited to black.

[Timmay]

Oh! saw meats theb grudge, meets the omen. that was good, as far as steriotypical scary stories go. that was really pretty good, but go for weirder. it would be cooler

['Ginnis]

A strong piece of work. You need a little bit of help as far as comma usage where direct addresses are concerned, double check those. As far as your rant from Monty Python, it really does suit the purposes of the story. Not knowing the quote until after reading this piece and then google-ing for the script I thought that it would make an excellent monologue piece (it appears John Cleese thought the same long before). Anyways, I'm sure you're witty enough to adapt it somehow, if not come up with your own morbid death rant.

[Vince]

Thanks for all the feedback and for the python's quote isn't from a movie its from an episode. Anyways, I think I'm gonna lose it somehow or paraphrase it.

[Lubesh]

"You lied to me! You didn't tell me you are my son! That I have a son!" yelled angrily at the boy.

The bit in bold needs rewording..maybe also the end bold ...you have missed the person's name ....yelled angrily

You didn't tell me that you were my son!

Also as I read you still have a few errors in your punctuation eg "I say", the commas/periods should always be inside ur quotes...."I say,"

Othe than that i found this crytpic a bit but definitely surreal and dark and it is a familair theme but if felt your direct apparoach leant to it. Well done!

[Peppy]

I like stories like these. The type of stories people make becuase it's a part of their creativity and secret place. It's pretty obvious this is your first piece because you are dealing with yourself, what you feel and how to bring it out. (This story feels personal.)

Cough. Cough. Anyways, the overall story was generally entertaining and emotional. The content, the man and boy relationship, was enticing to read. They had their own specil characteristics to them. Also, the dialogue to the story was well done, though, as I said before, you need commas here and there(Try to learn commas, they're tricky bastards.). You made the dialogue the most important feature of the story, which I think was a good move to do because the setting was vaguely done.

Hmmmmmmmmm...

(I hope I said enough to inflate and deflate your ego. Neutral.)

*

Don't know how to be strict, but I can try to be mean.

The first paragraph need to be more descriptive. If there were no windows or a door, where was the light coming from .I imagined it to be dark or pitch black.

Drops of sweat had now started to fall in the marble floor.

on

"I will try to answer you. I am nothing. I am an illusion, a projection of your memories, your feelings, your fears." added looking him intensively.

"I don't want! I won't be manipulated to what you want me to do." exclaimed angrily...

"You lied to me! You didn't tell me you are my son! That I have a son!" yelled angrily at the boy.

You need a subject to talk. Otherwise it's just bad grammer.

...believe you!", he shouted,

Make sure you look at what you typed down.

"And yes, you are indeed dead." exclaimed calmly now.

They seem to be contradicting with themselves.

"What!? You mean that even now, my life is ruled by someone other?

you can use these:

some other?
someone other than me?

"Father wake up, I'll be a good boy, I swear! Make you decision Jack!"

"You know. I am positive you"You tricked me!"
know. He was speaking to him. These were approximately his words: 'Don't leave father! I love you! Stay with me!' Does that ring a bell?"

Now you will roam endlessly in this empty room, with only companion these voices.

Fix up.

after life = afterlife

noone = no one

[Vince]

Thanks for commenting mate, I'll try to get around to fixing it.