[M.Sellner]

Synopsis: This short story is set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe created by Games Workshop. It is based on events that took place in a tabletop game I witnessed previously.

Brother-sergeant Mathias led his squad onward toward the Tau lines, their resolution total. As the Raven Guard space marines advanced the Tau emptied round after round of plasma pulses into the squadron from behind crude barricades but to no effect. The small arms fire pelted harmlessly off the space marines’ power armor and they continued their assault. As the warriors of the Adeptus Astartes marched steadily forward their steps were punctuated by the bark of their bolt guns. The explosive shells impacted heavily on the Tau fire warriors and blasted them away in plumes of fire and smoke.

When the Raven Guard finally reached the Tau emplacement half their foes were already dead from the preliminary fire. Mathias led the attack and leapt onto a large crate crying “For the Emperor!” his power sword held aloft. To the Tau below him, the space marine looked as if he were an angel of death, the early morning sun rising behind him and blocking his features. The brother sergeant lowered his bolt pistol and fired into the mass of aliens, the mass reactive rounds ripping through them. He was soon followed by the rest of his squad and they tossed grenades behind the boxes, suppressing their foes. At this close range the Raptors’ bolter fire was even more deadly and they butchered their foes with brutal efficiency. Some of the space marines punched and grappled with their enemies, their superhuman strength dismembering the frail aliens. Brother-sergeant Mathias swung his power sword in wide arcs, cleaving off appendages and severing bodies as if they were nothing.

The combat was over in less than two minutes, all the Tau dead for no space marines in return. Mathias let go the activation stud of his power sword when he saw all of the enemies were slain. The outer defenses had been taken. He and his battle brothers let out a cheer at their victory then set about consolidating their position. As he turned away from the scene, Mathias heard a moan and hesitated. Looking over his shoulder he saw a wounded Tau lying on the ground, death upon it and turned back.

“Such is the fury of the Raven Guard and the retribution of the Emperor,” Mathias said then lowered his pistol and put a shot into the alien’s perverse head.

[Lubesh]

A litle bit more information or background, but nice writing all the same.

[felix]

Nice descriptions. Your dialogue needs a little work though.

[M.Sellner]

Originally Posted by felix

Nice descriptions. Your dialogue needs a little work though.

uhh...there is only one line of dialogue in this story and it happens to be in character

thnx anyways lol

[Sith Lord Jim]

I enjoyed it although it was very short. Perhaps expand on it.
Yours truly Jimmy

[asfaloth]

lol, didn't think i would find a warhammer player here
maybe you should put a little bit more emotions in it. now it seems to be a very cool battle report, instead of a story, if you see my point i know Tau doesn't have emotions, but i thought space marines did (could be mistaking).

lisette

[Sith Lord Jim]

Yes i believe that Space Marines do have emotions.

[Serac]

I thought it was pretty good. Considering it came from a board game experience, I'd have to lable this piece a success. Nice.

[chivalricbard]

This definately was a good short story. Part of me would like more knowledge of what occured before hand that lead to this assault, and how the assault continued and with what amount of success and failure.

[Nephilim]

while its always good to see good guys win absolutely, it adds dynamic to the story when there is a sense of conflict involved. i dont play the board game, but i do have Dawn Of War, and the battles in that are absolutely amazing. gory and chaotic and way too violent...perfect. anyway its something to shoot for, a little more detail and dynamic, otherwise a great story. sorry if i sound too critical, i really did enjoy it a lot, even with my limited WH40K knowledge. hope to see more and hope to hear what you think of mine. later man.

[Mizurio]

i have played that game. i love the short story and the descriptions are vivid and paint a picture in you head. But i did not really see what the tau looked like. you should work on character description more.

[Mark]

Like Mizu' said, character description a bit lacking. I would go so far as to say it's often vital to be able to describe your characters in a single beat, especially for a short story where you have no words to waste.

Become more aware of your 'voice' and what you are actually describing. Narrating the setting, characters, action, timeframe, emotion, all come together once you are aware, and the peice will live and breathe on its own.

-> Who are the Tsu? What do they look like? Why do they fight?
-> What do the Raven Guard look/sound/smell like?

These questions plagued me from the start and where difficult to imagine.

I liked the beat and flow of your action though. Being familiar with the Warhammer setting enabled me to see and hear the ping of deflected rounds and the crump of grenades as the Raven guard stomped the alien defenders. Very nice.

It's not even necesary to answer all the questions that might be in a readers mind about what's happening, but instead it suffices to offer only what is necesary for the readers to picture the events themselves.

Good job.

[marty2shorty]

omfg other 40k players! whoa! suh-wweet!
I was just browsing and this story's name caught my eye, and what do ya know, warhammer.
Good to see stories based on that world.
This sounds like a narration of a battle you've played in DOW.

Opinion: I don't think Space Marines have much emotion besides zeal, hatred, vengence, vindictation, and so on. ( spell check says those aren't real words lol) Protect the Emperor.

Another point: pulse rifles are supposed to be very strong...

The last line was awesome.