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Old 09-06-2004, 03:04 PM
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The Outcast

In the dark kingdom of Hellgoth, in a tall dark castle in a huge throne room, Victor stood by his window as he waved his hands around as he activated a portal to the other world and then Catharine, his Vampire Queen and wife, walked into the room, she fixed her long blue silky dress and walked over to Victor.

“Is it done yet my lord?” She asked.

“Not yet, but soon.” Victor said as he put the finishing touches on the portal and then was shot back by the blast as the portal opened and Catharine helped him up.

“Did it work?” Victor asked as he got up off the ground.

“Yes, the portal to the other side is opened and ready for our armies to invade it.”

“Good, I will now bring the first person from that world over to here and then make him or her lead my army.”

“What if the portal can only be opened once my lord?”

“True, then I will rest after I bring my general here and try again when my powers are at full.”

“Good idea, you are very bright my lord.”

“Thank you, now stand back my love, the portal is very powerful and I don’t want you to get sucked into the Earth Realm as I try to get someone from that world.” Victor then waved his huge staff as he grabbed from his throne and aimed it at the portal and then the portal spit out a male Human from the other side, the guy stood up about 6’4’’ tall, thin, clean shaved, fair skin colored, wearing a t-shirt, long blue jeans and shoes and walked over to Victor.

“I take it this isn’t Florida.” He said.

“Not really, it’s Hellgoth.” Catharine said.

“What did I do wrong?” The man said.

“No my friend, you’re not in the underworld, in my kingdom that is called Hellgoth.” Victor said.

“Oh, whew that’s a relief.” The man said.

“Kingdom? Wait a minute…as in a fairy tale kingdom?”

“Yes, but this is not a fairy tale my friend, this is real.” Victor said.

“Show him Catharine that he is not dreaming.”

“As you wish.” Catharine said and walked over to the man and kissed him on the lips.

“That’s not what I had in mind Catharine, but then again you are a Vampire and it’s in your nature.” Victor said.

“Wow, what a woman you got here uh…what’s your name?” The man said.

“Lord Victor... your new king.” Victor said.

“Right…new king, I didn’t have one in the beginning.” The man said, “Anyways, my name is Jacob Silverman.”

“Which one is your real name? Silverman or Jacob?” Victor asked.

“Jacob, Silverman is my last name. What century are you guys from?” Jacob said.

“Medieval Times.” Catharine said.

“You mean the dark ages? I’m in the dark ages?” Jacob asked.

“Yes, you are here to lead my army into your world so that we can uh…welcome them to ours, we could be friends, allies or anything to your people.” Victor said.

“How come I don’t believe you?” Jacob said.

“You will…soon.” Victor said.

“Right, gotcha, well I’ll be seeing you Victor, I got to go to a meeting.” Jacob said and turned around saw that the portal closed and then he ran out of the throne room and headed off out into the evil, burning kingdom of Hellgoth.

“Whoa.” Jacob said as he saw Imps flying around and Hell Hounds roaming and growling. Jacob saw a nice opening into the forbidden forest and ran off into the forest and looked around and then heard Victor behind him.

“You may have escaped from my kingdom, but you’ll never find your way out of the forbidden forest, you’ll be lost for days... maybe even months if you survive that long.”

Jacob looked around some more and then headed off to a village that happened to be full of Amazons, as he arrived he looked around and then was ambushed by a group of Amazon Women, they all aimed their spears at him with their masks over their faces.

“Oh great... Amazons.” Jacob said in an upset voice.

Meanwhile in the Queen’s main temple, Jacob was thrown at her feet and then he looked up at her.

“Listen, Queen…uh, I’m not a bad guy okay. I’m not here to steal from you or raid your village or-“

“Silence dog. You are only to speak when spoken to.” The Queen said.

“Where are you from?”

“Uh... California.”

“I never heard of that kingdom.”

“It’s not from around here, it’s from Earth, my Earth in my time.”

“What is your time?”

“2001 I believe. What’s yours?”

“1245, the year of the Dragon, the month of the Tiger day 4.”

“Wow, that’s a long one.”

“What brings you to the Northern Amazon Tribe?”

“I got lost, I escaped from Hellgoth and I kind of wondered into your land.”

“Then we will take you to a better kingdom, my women will support you as they take you to a kingdom called Deverec, it is about four days from here and you will need water and food and a tent to camp in.”

“Cool, I get to share a tent with your women?”

“Why of course.” The Amazon Queen looked at Jacob seductively and Jacob’s eyes went wide with joy and he smiled big.

“Oh yeah. Let’s go ladies.”

Later that night as they got deeper into the woods, Jacob looked at the Amazon Warriors.

“Uh, do you ladies think we could stop and rest a while?”

“No, we must keep going until we feel tired not you.” One Amazon said.

“Man, I thought this was going to be fun.” Jacob said.

Then an Orc jumped down from a near by tree and looked at the amazons.

“No one shall pass with out paying first.” The Orc growled.

The Amazons pulled their swords out and looked at the Orc.

“Move aside parasite or you will taste our blades.” The Amazon Leader said.

“Yeah, what she said ugly.” Jacob said as he hid behind the Amazons.

The Orc sneered at the Amazons and then looked at Jacob.

“The Human will be a fair price and you Amazons can go ahead.” He growled.

“Not today.” The Amazon Leader said and the Amazons all yelled and the Orc ran off in fear.

“Wow, you girls are cool.” Jacob said.

“Come, it is not safe in forest when the moon is up, we must camp now.” The Amazon Leader said and then looked at Jacob.

“Set up camp.”

“Me? I don’t even know the first thing about making a tent.” Jacob said.

“Please set up camp Jacob? For me?” The Amazon Leader touched Jacob’s face gently and Jacob swooned.

“Sure thing.”

Jacob started to set up camp real fast and then built a fire after he put up the huge tent and after a minute he finally rested inside the tent and he saw the Amazons come in and he smiled with joy.

“You know what ladies, I don’t snore, so you can sleep near me.” Jacob said.

“I’m afraid we can not sleep, we must keep guard while you rest.” The Amazon Leader said.

“Aw... crap.” Jacob said and then got into his sleeping bag and fell asleep and then the Amazon Leader fell asleep next to him just to make him happy.

The next day the sun rose over the hills and shined into the dark forbidden forest and shined a path for Jacob and his team, the Amazon woke up bright and early and waited for Jacob to wake up and then Jacob came out of his tent and yawned.

“Good morning ladies.” Jacob walked over to the Amazons.

“So, are we off to Deverec today?” Jacob asked the Amazon Leader.

“Yes, we must hurry before the noon hits, Ogres hunt during that time.” The Amazon Leader said and packed up for the long trip ahead.

Meanwhile, later that day Jacob and his Amazon protectors were very close to Deverec because of the short cut they took, but then a group of Ogres came around and outnumbered the Amazons, the Amazons took out their swords and were ready to fight the Ogres.

“You have fallen for our trap Amazons, we will take this Human from you now and return him to Lord Victor.” The Male Ogre Leader said.

“You have to go through us first.” The Amazon Leader said and started to battle with the Ogres, two Amazons are killed and then three Ogres are killed and after the battle the Amazons are defeated and the Ogres look at Jacob.

“This is bad.” Jacob said and then an Elven Woman rode into the forest on her horse and stop in front of Jacob facing the Ogres.

“Stand back Elf, the Human is ours.” The Ogre Leader said.

“If you want him,” Arwen took out her sword, “Come and claim him.” She said.

The Ogres growled and then got on their horses and rode off.

“Until next time Princess.” The Ogre Leader said and rode off with his pack on his horse and then Arwen looked at Jacob and Jacob looked at Arwen.

“Thanks, I owe you one.” Jacob said.

“Owe one of what?” Arwen asked.

“A life debit.”

“Think nothing of it. What are you doing here in the forest?”

“I came here with a group of Amazons, but it seems that the Ogres were too much for them.”

Arwen saw the dead Amazon bodies and looked at Jacob.

”I will return the bodies to the Northern Tribe in the morning, come with me for now. I will take you to Tranos.”

“Thanks.”

Jacob jumped up on the horse and almost fell off and Arwen grabbed him and helped him up and rode off to Tranos.

Meanwhile in the Tranos, Arwen got off her horse and helped Jacob down.

“Is this your first time riding a horse?” She asked.

“Yeah.” Jacob said brushing himself off.

“Where did you get such rags?” Arwen asked as she looked at him.

“From my closet.”

“I will get you some new ones if you wish to stay among these people with out being mistaken for a Warlock.”

“Hey, These things cost a lot of money sister.”

Arwen looked at Jacob kind of funny.

“Never mind. Let’s go shopping.”

In a local store, Arwen and Jacob walked in and Arwen saw some men size rags and grabbed them and then grabbed some shorts and some leather boots and paid the clerk for them and then walked over to Jacob.

“Put these on.” Arwen said.

“Here?” Jacob asked.

“There is a dressing chamber near the clerk’s desk.”

“Right, I knew that.” Jacob walked inside the dressing chamber and then came out with the rags on and walked over to Arwen.

“People like dressing like this?”

“You are not used to it?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Where are you from?”

“California, Earth.”

“You’re from the Earth Realm?”

“Yeah.”

“Victor must be working on his portal to bring people from your world to here. I must warn Lady Cassandra. Come, I will show you to her.”

Arwen and Jacob run out of the store and head for Lady Cassandra’s castle, then in Lady Cassandra’s throne room, Arwen and Jacob arrive and walk up to her and bow their heads before her.

“We bring bad news Milady.” Arwen said.

“What is it child?” Lady Cassandra asked as she looked at Arwen.

“Victor has opened the portal to Earth Realm and brought this Outsider here to lead his army. With your permission I would like to become his protector and Mentor.” Arwen said.

“As you wish.” Lady Cassandra said.

Jacob looked at Lady Cassandra and stood up.

“Um... My Lady, I want know more about this place. I do not wish to return to my realm, I want to stay here.” He said and then Lady Cassandra walked over to him and looked at him.

“Are you sure?” She asked.

“Yes, I’m very sure. This world needs a hero and I’m your guy.” Jacob said nervously.

Lady Cassandra smiled at Jacob’s bravery and then took out her sword and tapped his gently on both shoulders.

“Then I knight you Sir Jacob.” Lady Cassandra said.

“You will be known as the Knight Of Tranos, you will be called upon when evil strikes and you and Arwen will both come to our aid and others aids as well. Do you accept the responsibility?” Cassandra said.

“Yes I do Milady, thank you.” Jacob said and walked over to Arwen.

“You will train me right?” Jacob asked quietly.

“If you wish it.” Arwen said and walked out of the castle with Jacob.

The next day, the sun rose over Mount Haven and shined down threw Jacob’s house’s windows and Jacob woke up and got out of bed and walked into the living room and saw Arwen sitting there on the couch.

“What are you doing here?” He asked as he walked over to her and sat down.

“I am your mentor, so I need to be by your side.” She said.

“You spent the night here?”

“Yes, does it bother you?”

“No, it’s just that... I thought uh... don’t you have a home?”

“Yes, in Deverec. But I am not allowed to leave your side.”

“Okay, sorry for being so blunt, it’s just that... never mind.”

Jacob rubbed his eyes as he looked out the window in his living room.

“What time is it?”

“It is Sunrise.”

“I can see that, but how late is it in the morning?”

“I do not know what you mean.”

“Never mind, forget it. Are you hungry?”

Jacob stood up and walked into the kitchen and then notice he had only his shorts on.

“Woops, I think I better change.”

Arwen then looked at Jacob and smiled a bit.

“I do not mind, it does not bother me.”

“Well, it bothers me. It’s cold in here.”

Jacob then walked into his room and put on a green shirt and then walked back into his kitchen and looked around for some eggs, bacon and pancakes.

”What do you eat?”

“I eat anything Jacob, anything but meat.”

“Will eggs do?”

“Yes.”

“Good. By the way, I never got your name.”

“My name is Arwen Evenstar.”

“I thought you guys had no late names.”

“It is not my last name, it’s my birth right, I am a sworn protector to my people, a Guardian Angel in Rivendell.”

“I see.”

Jacob started the fire on the stove and put the pan on it and took some eggs out of the icebox and cracked them over the pan and threw the shells outside and some pigs ate them.

“Arwen... that name I once knew.”

“You knew someone named Arwen in your realm?”

“Yeah, my wife’s name was Arwen.”

“What happened to your wife?”

”She was killed when she was on duty as a police officer in Los Angeles. Run by shootings.”

“I am sorry.”

“She looked just like you as well.”

“She did? Same hair?”

“Yeah.”

“Um, Jacob... there is a difference.”

Arwen stood up and walked over to Jacob and looked at him.

“What difference?”

Jacob looked at Arwen and then Arwen pushed her hair behind her ears and revealed her pointed Elven ears.

“You have pointed ears... so?”

“I’m an Elf and that does not bother you?”

“No, I’ve read about Elves before. Maybe not your kind, but I’ve read about them and I think female Elves are more better to look at it.”

Arwen blushed and smiled.

“You even have the same smile as her.”

Jacob looked at Arwen and began to reach out to touch her ears.

“May I?”

Arwen nodded her head and Jacob rubbed her ears softly with his fingers.

“Wow, they fell so... different then human ears. I like them.”

Arwen smiled big and looked at Jacob.

“You flatter me too much Sir Jacob.”

Jacob smiled and put his hands down and then looked into Arwen light lake blue eyes.

“You’re the main reason I really want to stay Arwen, I want to start a new life with you here in your realm.”

“I could not take you away from your realm and your friends and family.”

“I lost everything in my realm Arwen, I lost my job, my home, everything.”

“That is tragic, but are you willing to give up everything for this realm?”

“I’m going to miss TV and seeing a clock on the wall, but I’m willing to give that up for you.”

Arwen blushed and took Jacob's hands.

“Then we will go to Rivendell where you can meet my father Lord Elrond. Isn’t that how it goes in your realm?”

”Yeah.”

Arwen smiled and walked out of the house with Jacob and then they both got on Arwen’s horse and rode off to Rivendell. Meanwhile at Rivendell, the moon was about to form over Mount Hyrule and shined on the beautiful city of Rivendell as Arwen’s horse rode in with Jacob in the back. Arwen jumped off her horse and then Jacob jumped down beside her and looked around.

“Wow, what a city.” Jacob said.

“It has survived many centuries, Lord Elrond has been ruler of this place since the First Age.” Arwen said as she held Jacob’s hand and walked up to Elrond’s throne room, as they entered, two Elven Guards walked them over to Elrond and Jacob and Arwen both kneeled before him in respect and then stood up.

“Father, this is my friend Jacob, he is from the Earth Realm and is trapped by Victor here forever, do you have an extra room he could use?” Arwen asked.

“Yes, the second room in the chamber that you are in Arwen.” Elrond said.

“By the way, I found another like him, she is from Earth Realm as well. Her name is as she put it “Veronica” and she knows much of Jacob.” Elrond added as he looked at Arwen.

“She’s my sister Lord Elrond.” Jacob said.

“I see, you may see her, she is at the lake looking at a ring she found.”

“Thank you Milord.”

Jacob ran outside to the lake and then saw his sister sitting down by a fountain that was near the huge lake and then he walked over to her.

“Veronica.” Jacob said.

Veronica looked up at Jacob and smiled and then ran over to him and hugged him real tight.

“I’m so glad to see you Jacob, I was so scared that you died here.” She said.

Jacob chuckled and then held his sister.

”I’m not easy to get rid of... you know that.” Jacob said as he looked at his sister and then smiled.

“I found a ring Jacob, it’s in some kind of language.” Veronica said as she showed Jacob the ring and then Jacob read it and the ring read in Elvish language: one ring to control the darkness, one ring to bring the darkness and in the end destroy all life. Jacob looked at it real strange and then saw Arwen coming over and then he walked over to Arwen with the ring in his hand and showed it to her.

“You understand this?” Jacob asked and Arwen took the ring and looked it.

“Yes, this is the ring that can control the Dark Dragon and bring him back. ‘One ring to control the darkness, one ring to bring the darkness and in the end destroy all life.’ That is what it says.” Arwen said.

“What do we do with it?” Veronica asked.

“We must return it to the Dark Dragon himself before he knows it is missing and comes looking for it. He will send out his Ringwraiths and then Sauron will probably want to get it first and control his Ringwraiths to kill the one that yields the ring and bring it back to Sauron in the dark castle of Mount Doom in Mordor.” Arwen explained.

“Then that is what we will do Arwen, we’ll bring the ring back.” Jacob said and then later on the day at the Counsel Room in the high tower in Rivendell that was located outside, Elrond had many people there from many races and many other counsels.

“Welcome all, I bring you here to form a fellowship for the ring of the Dark Dragon. Jacob’s sister Veronica has found it and soon Sauron will send his forces to get it back before the Dark Dragon can get it and then Sauron will control the Dark Dragon and destroy all life. Who ever is willing to protect and make an alliance with their new allies in this fellowship…speak now.” Elrond said.

“I will go with them.” Geoff said as he stepped up to Elrond and then a Dwarf named Dowen walked up next to Geoff.

“Geoff is my friend and wherever he goes, I go.” He huffed.

Then a Lizard Man Archer walked up to the others.

“I will go as well.” He hissed.

“Who might you be?” Elrond asked.

“I am Dakon, I am an Archer and an Assassin.” He said.

“Very well, then you all be known as the Fellowship Of The Ring.” Elrond said and then fellowship formed up in a line and headed off to the leave Rivendell.

“You will all leave in the morning.” Elrond said and then the group headed off to their rooms.
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Old 19-08-2005, 09:56 AM
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Re: The Outcast

god I cant believe I actualy read that whole thing.
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Old 22-08-2005, 08:50 AM
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Re: The Outcast

i couldnt even finish reading half of this story. come on. if this was an honest attempt...the you need to have others look ove rit and tell you whats wrong with it. cause im not even gonna go into it. im not saying this to be mean ro anyhting, but this sucks. it really does. i wanted to cry as i read it. like i said, i couldnt even finish half of it. rework the whole thing. please say this is a joke. everythign is to cliche. theres no detail. you tell everyhting, you dont show any of it. you need to catch the readers interest with the first few sentences. spark their imagination and interest. seriously rework it all.
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Old 20-10-2005, 04:39 PM
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Re: The Outcast

Yeah i apolagise but i agree with Jacob. I read the first five lines but i am out. You need to work on you sentance structure for one thing. "In the dark kingdom of Hellgoth, in a tall dark castle in a huge throne room, Victor stood by his window as he waved his hands around as he activated a portal to the other world and then Catharine, his Vampire Queen and wife, walked into the room, she fixed her long blue silky dress and walked over to Victor." I really dont have time to go into it either but u need periods. You know these things ".". Also you cant put he did something as he did something else as he did something else. See how little sense it makes.
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Old 20-10-2005, 10:04 PM
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Re: The Outcast

Yeah sorry to say i agree as well i didnt finish the story because it was to perfect, and cliche. "Arwen" comeon you could think of a better elvish name then that, reather than copying one that has already been used. Im not trying to be mean either but you really need to work on it. If you want people to read it seriously then you have to put suspense into it, and not go from one action scene to another in the space of four lines.
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Old 17-12-2005, 11:25 AM
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Re: The Outcast

I got to Florida. I didn't see much point in reading it after that, kind of figuered since you were talking of vampires it would not be a good story if you mentioned something like florida, and before mentioned something like Hellgoth
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Old 31-12-2005, 09:19 AM
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Re: The Outcast

The biggest problem for me was how fake the characters seemed. Sorry, but Jacob took being pulled into the past way too well. He cracked a few half-jokes with a good attitude, and let it go. Not much in the way of depth. Sorry again.
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Old 13-03-2006, 06:21 AM
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Re: The Outcast

im too am srry but i must agree with them as well. I read the first two lines was lost. try adding more stucture to it. and anything else they may have told you....do as well.
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Old 18-03-2006, 12:41 PM
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Re: The Outcast

I'm also sorry that everyoone else is sorry. I don't think the author really cares though since this is the only story they've posted and their last vist was 2 months ago. Obviously not interested in fixing this story. (probably shouldn't be fixed anyway)
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Old 20-03-2006, 04:53 PM
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Re: The Outcast

Gave up after the second line. 'Nuff said
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Old 05-10-2006, 01:44 AM
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Re: The Outcast

Sorry, brother, but this isn't any better the second time I read it. Lack of real feeling, fake characters.....maybe if it was a play, these things wouldn't matter. Because a lot of plays I've seen don't have feeling or good characters, either. .....That sounded more like an insult and less like a joke than I thought it would. Well.....yeah.
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Really, Serac, if you weren't so lofty and I weren't already taken, I would definitely want to marry you. (Or maybe... one-night-stand you. You're not very good husband material, I think.)
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Old 05-10-2006, 03:38 PM
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Re: The Outcast

Hmmm damn foreigners are always invading our stories...lol...good fiction.
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Old 16-10-2006, 04:54 AM
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Red face Re: The Outcast

I have read of an Rivendell in a famous book. I also have read of an Elrond. Need to check that out. Also needs to be picturesque. You have allot of stories bunched into one. All would be a good start but you have to pick and choose. First I felt like I was reading a horror story, then I was in a forbidden forest, etc.....etc....etc....All were started none were really elaborated on. I would bag the Vampire, create him as a dragon or something of the sort. I would also break this story down into many, for instance Part I etc. I believe you have allot to say about each adventure; I just don't believe you should cram it all in one story. Make sure your characters match the story you are writing. Create a picture. I am not an expert as allot of these people who commented, this is just an observation. Better luck next time.
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Old 16-10-2006, 06:07 PM
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Re: The Outcast

Quote:
I am not an expert as allot of these people who commented
...lol, we all have our own dillusions of superiority...lol
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Old 17-10-2006, 12:13 AM
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Re: The Outcast

Ha, ha, are you saying I'm deluded? I thought my superiority wasn't even in question.....
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Really, Serac, if you weren't so lofty and I weren't already taken, I would definitely want to marry you. (Or maybe... one-night-stand you. You're not very good husband material, I think.)
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Old 17-10-2006, 12:57 AM
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Re: The Outcast

I think it is between Jir, Muad, LM, Serac, DP and... me. hmmm. All of us seem to LOL Perhaps we are all deluded and then perhaps maybe in 7 years we will be all eating lunch together celebrating our 15th million dollar made for the each of us (oh I can wish)
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Old 17-10-2006, 04:19 AM
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Re: The Outcast

lol...ya...we just have a lot of confidence.
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Old 27-03-2008, 12:39 PM
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Re: The Outcast

Look, the story is written in a format that no one finds easy to read so they bash the writer.

Critique the composition.

It appears that most have opted for sad 'one-liners' hoping to make everyone laugh and prod their pretentious little fire they have built for themselves.

Whether or not ScifiGameCrazy reads these posts he should still work on the story and he should be guided, not ridiculed.

How sad.
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Old 17-04-2008, 02:54 PM
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Re: The Outcast

one word. run-on-sentence. heheh
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Old 08-07-2009, 05:04 AM
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Re: The Outcast

Lots of run-on sentences. It looks like you prefer dialogue over the other elements in the story and just want to get to it as fast as possible. I understand that myself, as dialogue comes easiest to me. But without the other elements of establishing mood, setting etc. it doesn't pull me into the story.
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