[Zoidberg]

Synopsis: As their city crumbles, five kids must escape their once safe haven as it is being invaded by the Plagus army. Once outside the city, they must each fulfill their own agenda.

Balik

The shop was quiet. It was a slow day for business, and it had come uneventfully so far. The only sounds in Balik's ears were the hum of his master, Yedorin, and the sound of the many bubbling potions and squeaking imps in their cages.

"Balik," Yedorin yelled to the boy while he tore through pages in his spellbook. "Bring that Crowstongue over here."

"Yes, Master," the boy said. He walked over to a large shelf stocked with potions and herbs and other magical ingredients. He searched the upper shelves for a bottle labeled Crowstounge. When he found it, he took it and handed it to the old, wizened wizard at the front desk.

"Thank you, my boy," he said without looking up. "This should do the trick."

"What are you working on?" Balik asked curiously. Yedorin worked on many different potions and elixirs during shop days, and it was common for Balik to ask this question.

The wizard cleared his throat. "It's a potion I am working on for the King. It will have a high diplomatic value."

"What does it do?"

The wizard sighed, tired of the boy's questions, but still he answered, "It's a potion that will eliminate language barriers between kingdoms. It will allow the person who drinks it to speak any language."

A loud boom and then a crash echoed from outside, disturbing the quiet air. The small shop shook so violently that both the boy and wizard fell over, and potions fell from their resting places atop shelves.

"What in the devil's name..." Yedorin shouted, but was cut off by another blast that shook the ground once again.

Someone in the streets shouted, "We're under attack! It's the Plagus!"

"Oh no," Yedorin muttered. "Balik, you need to help me."

"What, sir?"

"Come." The wizard stood up and led the boy to the back of the shop. It was an old, dusty study, and Balik had been there often, but there was a large iron door in the back, one that Balik was told never to open.

Yedorin walked over to the large door and opened it, turning the many combination tumblers and dispelling the many magical locks. When it was open, it revealed a room so dark, that even the light from the torches hanging in the room dare not penetrate it. Yedorin walked in and emerged carrying a small iron box.

"Master, what is this?" Balik asked.

"Son, on my last endeavors, I was told by the High Council of the King to create a weapon that could, in theory, destroy entire kingdoms. I did so, but what I had created could not be controlled." Yedorin's face grew grave and pale, and he broke into a cold sweat.

"Master..." Balik began, worried for his master's welfare.

"In essence, I literally bottled a high-ranking demon and harnessed its power into a weapon. If the Plagus discover this weapon, there will be horrible consequences. I need you to escape the city with this box and make sure it doesn't get into the wrong hands. The Plagus are here, so you will have to take it to the sewer system in the center of the city. Use the system to escape. I need to report to the King for battle strategies. Can I trust you, boy?"

"Yes, Master, of course."

"Good, now go!"

Balik took the box and ran out into the street. There were people everywhere, running in random directions and screaming. He ran left, down the sloping street and toward the center of the city. He raced down street after street. Soon, the Monolith was in view.

The center of the city, the Monolith was the primary energy source and safety measure for the kingdom. As Balik approached it, he heard a shout, "Raise the Monolith!"

The ground shook as the giant obsidian obelisk rose from the ground and proclaimed its might in the sky.

Balik stood in awe as the Monolith rose up. But now wasn't the time to revel in its beauty. Three Plagus assault tanks began to mobilize down the streets toward the monolith.

Each steel tank roved down the streets, flaunting and firing their cannons at nearby homes. One nearly ran over a girl, but she was rescued at the last minute by a kid about just as old as Balik, with long brown hair. Balik noticed a tank explode over on the next street.

Good, the soldiers are here, he thought.

Balik had to be quick to get the box he held to safety. He ran to the base of the monolith and lifted a sewer grate. The Grate was slick and slipped out of his hands several times. Finally two other kids ran over and helped him remove it. One was a girl, the one who had been saved from the tank, and the other was her savior, the boy with the long brown hair.

"Thanks," Balik said.

"No problem, we just got to get out of here now," the long haired boy said.

"Right," Balik agreed. He and the other kid held up the grate for three other kids before they both slipped into the dank sewers.

Gena and Nadim

The clash of the two swords in the back of a blacksmith's shop echoed down the streets. A girl and boy, both of the same age, practiced their swordsmanship. Time after time, the steel of their blades crashed, and the two parried, dodged, ducked, and evaded each other back and forth. A single mistake would have caused a nasty gash, but these two were sure of themselves, bringing the blades back together every other second.

"Ya know, sis," Nadim said between sword clashes.

"Yes?" Gena replied calmly.

"I never got to show you this new move Dad taught me."

"And what might that be?" she asked mockingly.

"Why don't I show you?" he shouted as he swung the blade dangerously at her feet. Gena nimbly dodged it, jumping over the blade and coming back down on the flat edge, pinning it to the ground. She placed her blade on Nadim's neck, letting him feel the cold, iron sword.

"Hmph," she grunted, "Nice move,"

"It gets better," he said tauntingly.

With all his strength, Nadim lifted the blade out from under Gena's feet. Gena lost her balance and fell back, slicing off a lock of Nadim's long brown hair.

"Look what you did!" Nadim exclaimed.

"It'll grow back," Gena said, rolling her eyes.

"Gena, Nadim," their father called from inside the furnace room. He walked outside, and saw his two children, swords in hand. "Oh my god! I told you never to use these swords! Practicing is one thing, but this is entirely different. You could get seriously hurt!"

"We know," they said in unison.

"Well--" The father was cut off by a loud boom and then a crash.

"What was that?" Gena shouted.

"We're under attack!" their father shouted and watched as a mortar came crashing down on the smith just behind him.

"Kids, grab your swords. Come on!" their father shouted. He led them out through the rubble that was once the smith and into the streets.

"Ok, Gena, Nadim, you have to get out of here. The Plagus are here, and they're going to destroy the city. You won't be able to get out anywhere except the sewers. Go to the Monolith and use the sewers there to get out of the city."

Another explosion shook the street. People ran past Gena and Nadim, screaming. A group of Plagus soldiers, all with gasmasks and flamethrowers came storming down the street.

"Look, you need to get to the next kingdom and tell them the Plagus are coming, do you understand?"

Both Gena and Nadim nodded, their faces filled with fear. "Now go!" their father shouted over the screams.

"But Dad..." Nadim began.

"Nadim," his father said, half in tears, "you have to go. I am going to miss you, but you have to go. Don't let me down."

"We won't Dad," both Gena and Nadim said, starting to cry.

"Ok, good, now go," their father said, and ran to the nearby armory. The Plagus were getting closer now. They could see the reds of their eyes beneath the gas masks. They could hear them barking orders to one another. Both Gena and Nadim watched as they left nothing intact, setting fire to houses, people, and carts. They watched as people ran around, flames leaping off their backs. It was a horrific sight, but it couldn't be prevented.

Both the kids ran in the opposite direction as the Plagus, heading towards the Monolith. As they neared the Monolith, they noticed less and less chaos. The Plagus hadn't arrived there yet. If the Monolith could be set up before Nemora was taken, they might have a chance.

When they got there, their worst fears were realized. Three Plagus tanks were moving down the streets towards the Monolith. If they destroyed the Monolith, Nemora would be lost.

They headed down the street, away from the tank, and finally spotted the sewer grate. It was their only way out of there. They headed towards it, and noticed a boy with an iron box attempting to open it. It looked like he was going to escape as well.

"Wait!" Nadim cried out to Gena. "Look!" Nadim pointed over to a girl lying in the middle of the street. She had fallen and was about to be crushed by the tank.

"Go on ahead!" Nadim shouted. "I'll catch up!"

Gena said nothing, but nodded and continued on. She was almost there when two Plagus soldiers got in her way. One attempted to shoot her with his flamethrower, but Gena was too quick. She drew her sword and sliced the gas chamber on the flamethrower, and when the soldier pulled the trigger, he and his companion burst into flames.

Gena stepped over them as they writhed in pain, and continued on her way to the sewers. Nadim was already there helping the boy, along with the girl he saved. Another boy joined them as well, and they all jumped down into the sewers.

[Zoidberg]

I'm not sure if I will post any other parts of this series. It all depends. Tell me what you think!

[Gus2.0]

I thought this was good, but there were a few mistakes that caught my eye.

He raced down each street after street.

shouldn't it be He raced down, street after street. or He raced down each street

and shouldn't:

The center of the city, the Monolith was the primary energy source...

be:

The center of the city, the Monolith, was the primary energy source...

Those were some mistakes i found. And I liked the name Plagus. Its catchy. Funny thing, it has GUS in it which is my username. Ha. Funny.

[Coadmaster]

All of them just barely were missed by the blast.

maybe take this sentence out. Sort of messes with the flow of things.

The Plagus were getting close now. Both Gena and Nadim watched as they ran around, setting fire to houses, people, and carts.

If the Plagus were just getting closer, how would the children see them?
Maybe change it to something like

Both Gena and Nadim could hear the screaming of the villagers, the crackle and groan of homes burning. The Plagus were close, and getting closer.

Other than that, I think it's a great story Keep up the good work!

[Bander Snatch]

The one and only thing that bothered me was how half way through Baliks story you changed "balik" to "barik"

other than that I thought this was really well written and I hope you do write more

[Zoidberg]

Woah! Can't believe I missed that one! Thanks. Its fixed now.

[Bander Snatch]

lol well had to do my part, but yeah D I really hope this is more than just one chapter....

[Alex]

I liked the storyline, its like you meant for all the children to have destinies. I ecspecially liked how you had the two sword fighters father sacrifice himself for his children. I would like to see more.

[Zoidberg]

Thanks for the comments, and I will continue this chapter eventually. Remember, there's still 2 kids I have to introduce. I just hope that once their all there that it won't be too repetitive.

Thanks!

[Bander Snatch]

you know what I forgot to add this, this story reminds me of "the words of every song" its a book by liz moore

she takes little short stories and some how puts them all together, its cool and hey it might help in the long run, give you ideas for this I dunno, just trying to help...

[Zoidberg]

I've never heard of that book, but I'll look into it. Thanks for the tip.

[Razor]

Hmm. That was the first thing that came to mind.

It started off great. I was really enjoying your story. The beginning of your story, I thought, was written very well. However, it became a little weaker when you brought in the tanks. (Not that the tanks did it)

Up to that point everything was concise and heading in one definite direction, after it, the writing became more lackluster. Like the part about Balik watching a girl being saved from a tank. It seemed like this was injected after everything was written, as like an..'oh yea i wanted to put this in there.' It's not that this is a bad thing, but it didn't blend well with the rest.

Maybe somehow work that in there smoother, like Balik sees the girl, wants to help, but is caught between helping and keeping his promise to this master, but then another boy steps in and Balik continues on.

Each steel tank roved down the streets, flaunting and firing their cannons at nearby homes. One nearly ran over a girl, but she was rescued at the last minute by a kid about just as old as Balik, with long brown hair. Balik noticed a tank explode over on the next street.

My opinion, this paragraph needs work to be up to the same grade everything before it was. This seemed hurried and suddenly the writing goes from focusing on Balik and him getting to the sewer, to him standing around watching everything happen around him. I think you should stay with the first, of him on his quest to get the box to the sewer, so if you want the little girl being saved to in there somewhere, have it happen in front of him on his way to the sewer as an obstacle. When describing her savior, just say something like "brown hair waved as the young boy zipped in, scooped up the girl and dove out rolling away to safety." I wouldn't say 'noticed' either, I would say, 'heard,' which will allow Balik to stay on his mission and still know that there is a resistance building to fight the Plagus.

Balik had to be quick to get the box he held to safety. He ran to the base of the monolith and lifted a sewer grate. The Grate was slick and slipped out of his hands several times. Finally two other kids ran over and helped him remove it. One was a girl, the one who had been saved from the tank, and the other was her savior, the boy with the long brown hair.

Might want to start with: "At the base of the monolith, Balik grabed hold of the grimy sewer grate. The slimy metal was like an oiled eel in his free hand..." whatever you want there, but just have him at the Monolith because 1) We as the reader don't have to know every step of how a person gets from point a to b 2) This implies while he has been moving while the tank was exploding and he is thinking he's glad the soldiers are here.

It was a horrific sight, but it couldn't be prevented.

This is fine, but I wouldn't worry about anything after the last comma. Just cut it off at 'sight.'

Both the kids ran in the opposite direction as the Plagus, heading towards the Monolith.

Cut it to something like this: They ran in the opposite direction, heading towards the Monolith.

Everything after that paragraph is pretty loose. After such a strong start, it finishes so wishy-washy. And by that I mean the ending of his chapter isn't bad, but the writing of it isn't great. I would strongly suggest rewriting the last seven paragraphs.

Now the modern flamethrowers and tanks with sword and magic is a bit unique, but hey I'm all for it if you make it work. People are always talking about breaking stereotypes in literature, and this does that so, yea I'm digging the originality. I like how you started from two different stand points leading to one. Most of this was written very well. Nice job. I think the parts that aren't really hurt an otherwise enjoyable story.

I think Gena and Nadim are interesting characters, and I like Balik's down to earth loyalty to his master. Balik seems the one most easiest to relate to. So nice job with your characters, they are a strong card to be played if you decide to write another chapter/part.

[Zoidberg]

Thanks. I know that it got worse as it went on, but that's my main weak point. I either don't include enough detail, or I lose focus. At the end I kinda just got bored and just decided to finish it as quickly as I could. I think I need some more motivation.

I'm glad you liked the beginning though. I plan on entering some contests so it will fix my motivation problem.

Thanks a ton.

[WillFreeman]

I agree with pretty much all of RAZOR's points. A couple additional issues:

First paragraph, the day "WAS" uneventful, not the "day had come uneventfully". I don't think there's a need to personify the "day".

Potions, herbs, and other. . . rather than potions AND herbs AND other

How did the obelisk proclaim its might?


I think the overall situation needs a little more set-up. We don't know who the Plagus' are until they attack, and they have tanks? We don't know what kind of a world we are in until tanks are on the ground. You miss out on an opportunity for more tension if you don't set it up.

This is an old storyline- kids escape with the magic item that will save the world. I wonder where you're going to take it to make it different? Good luck.

[Zoidberg]

Yes, you're right, Razor has a lot of good points.

First paragraph, the day "WAS" uneventful, not the "day had come uneventfully". I don't think there's a need to personify the "day".

Potions, herbs, and other. . . rather than potions AND herbs AND other

How did the obelisk proclaim its might

About those, that 's just sort of my writing style. Also, the obelisk proclaiming its might is personification I used, that's all.

[Thalenchar]

Good stuff, looking forward to reading more.

A couple of times though I felt the story could do with a bit more detail / background info. For instance, right from the first blast, everyone seems to know it's the Plagus attacking. How do they know? How do they even know it's an attack and not an accidental explosion? Could be you were going to explain that later, but I was wondering. I like details

Also, should this
""We're under attack!" their father shouted and watched as a mortar came crashing down on the smith just behind him."

Be "A mortar shell" instead?

And tell me about the other children already!

[FoxInari]

I like the story, and i definitely think you should add more to it. Definitely needs more descriptions, of the characters especially. looking forward to more

[Arnklit]

Like mentioned above we need more background on the characters and the environment. Generally in a story you start out in a status quo, what the world is like before your conflict begins, you do that, but it's only a couple of lines. If you expanded on it you would have a part of the story where you could relax and set up the characters and the world without worrying about slowing down the action, obviously you have to hook the reader and it has to be interesting, but that doesn't mean you have to start a war a couple of paragraphs in.

You have a pretty good technique, the piece seems a bit unpolished, but that appears to be more because you didn’t rewrite properly. Your dialogue however is bland and corny. Seriously read this aloud with a straight face and you must be full of Botox. “Nadim," his father said, half in tears, "you have to go. I am going to miss you, but you have to go. Don't let me down.” I am going to miss you? Seriously... of course he is going to miss them. If you don’t have any brilliant last words in a case like this, no words is usually better and in most cases more realistic and painful. A description of the horror on his face and how he can’t find the words and in the end just tells them to go, for example.

Also Balik’s master’s monologue.
The description of how he made the weapon seems pretty silly when you’re not engulfed in the world yet, it also seems pretty silly to be explaining this when mortars are raining down on the city. It would be much more interesting if the master didn’t dare tell the boy what it was or didn’t have time so we would wonder what the box was. Also that entire paragraph simply sounds like a quest in a bad videogame, everybody has to go to the sewers for some reason, why not let some of them end up there by coincidence when the adults are dead? Well I don’t know but it all seems fake somehow.
And by the way, “if the Plagus discover this weapon, there will be horrible consequences.” Is completely redundant and melodramatic.

There’s also a couple of places where it’s quite apparent that you haven’t really planned everything out yet when you just say “the next kingdom” or “the king”, without giving a name, it’s a bit amateurish.

Well overall I think that it’s okay, but there’s a lot of stuff you have to work on.

Good luck in all your future writing endeavors.