[Zoidberg]

Synopsis: An alchemist speaks to a Duke about a new weapon.


I walked up the stone stairs of the castle and onto the third floor and surveyed the corridor. At one end there was a large wooden door guarded by two spear-wielding men. On the other end was a large window. I walked towards the guards, slowly though, because the sack I carried on my back was very heavy.

"State your business," one guard said.

"I'm an alchemist, here to see the Duke of Dresden about a new weapon."

"I'm sorry, but I will need some verification."

"Oh, yes, of course," I said, and pulled out a letter from my pocket. I handed it to the guard. "That's the letter the Duke sent me. See? He signed it."

"Very well," he grunted. He opened the door to the Duke's study chamber. It had many bookshelves, and had lavish furniture such as a mahogany amoire in the corner, a large wooden framed mirror on the wall, and a beautifully crafted oak table as its centerpiece.

"Thank you," I said to the guard as I walked in. He closed the door behind me.

"Hello, sir," I said to the Duke as he sat at the table, reading.

"Yes?" the Duke answered, not looking up from his book.

"I have a weapon you may be interested in," I replied.

"What is it?" he said, looking up at me. He was a clean shaven man, and better looking than some of the Dukes I had met.

I opened the bag and took out a small vial filled with a blood-red liquid. "It's a highly potent dose of a substance that was created by Archimedes about a thousand years ago. I found it in the ruins of an ancient study of his in Greece."

"Well, what does it do?"

"It is specially designed to increase the viscosity of a liquid about ten times. I know what you are thinking, what purpose would this serve on a battlefield? Well, sir, imagine putting some of this in a vat of burning oil or boiling water. Imagine pouring it on an enemy soldier. Not only will it burn his skin, but it will stick, causing an excrutiatingly painful experience and almost guaranteed death." I knew this would be a very brutal thing to do, but these were brutal times.

"Doesn't that seem a bit cruel?" asked the Duke.

"Well, doesn't it also seem cruel when those Scandanavian savages lop off the heads of your people?" I said

"Well I suppose, but..."

"Ahh, well, sir," I interrupted, "Whether you accept this offer or not, please at least have some of this wine," I pulled a bottle of wine and two glasses out of my bag.

"Where did you get that?" the Duke said, admiring the dark red bottle I held.

"I stopped in Italy on my way here." I said.

"Well," the Duke said greedily, "It would be rude to refuse a guest's hospitality."

I poured both of us a glass. He took a sip of his first. "Mmm, this is exquisite!"

I smiled smugly as I lifted the glass to my lips. Then I watched as his eyes grew wide with fear. The poison I slipped him was working.

The Duke stood up and held his throat. He began to wheeze and gasp for air. He tried to speak as I sat there, watching him. He managed to point to me with a shaky hand and choked between gasps, "You!"

I smiled and laughed in my chair. How stupid could he be?

He started to cough up blood on the floor. Afterward he started to convulse, then he fell over onto the floor. He didn't stop trembling for about a minute. When he did, I knew he was dead.

I put my glass on the table. I stood up and walked over to a large mahogany armoire. I opened and searched for some valuables on the shelves. I found a few gold necklaces and rings. Then my heart stopped. I ducked down quickly. I had to get out of there.

In the armoire, sitting on one of the shelves amongst some pearls, was a Scrying Stone. I had to kill the guards and get out of the castle before they were alerted. The Scrying Stone had been listening and watching our entire conversation.

I pulled a dagger out of my back pocket. Good thing those guards didn't check me for weapons. Shame for them, though.

I slowly opened the door to the corridor. I kept my dagger concealed in my sleeve. Both the guards had their back to me. I decided that they weren't alerted to my true identity yet. I eased past them, shutting the door behind me. As I reached the entrance to the stairwell, a third guard emerged from it. He was almost out of breath.

"Hey, you, stop!" he shouted.

It looked like I would be running out of here. I swiftly pulled the dagger from my sleeve and threw it. It was a direct hit to his throat. He fell over, gurgling on his own blood.

The two guards behind me gasped and charged at me, spears sharp. I sprinted to the end of the corridor and leaped blindly out the window. Mid-fall I gave a sigh of relief. A cart filled with hay was directly below me.

I landed not with the hard thud of ground, but with the soft rustling of hay. I unhooked the dark brown stallion attached to the front of the cart and rode off down the dirt path, away from the castle.

Another lucky escape, I thought to myself as I headed down the road. I was heading for France; I was late for an appointment with the Duke of Belfort.

[Gus2.0]

This story is very well wirtten. I liked the plot line. It almost gave you a sense that this was the good guy, but at the same time, you know that he has a huge sense of cruelty in his heart. This is a good short story but you shouldn't have chapters of this. Just this one satisfys me. *sarcasim in my voice* i wonder whats gonna happen next.

[Bander Snatch]

I liked the stories plot, but I think you kind of skipped over a lot of the details and was really blunt about what happened, like how none of it was approached with caution, just kind of WHAM BAM BOOM all over.... do you get what I am saying??

but over all I did like it

awsome story and yes i wuill write a fantasy story i need 2 save some dragon. This story was so cool i like the part when the dude coughed up blood.
-Ryan Dukette

[sportz6112]

Great Story....... ummmm it was awsome because it was very creative o yeah your bro is wierd.... (jk) lol great story :

[rygy94]

this was very interesting

[RENA HANDS]

The title grabbed me first!

The office has only one ‘lavish’ piece of furniture? That seems a bit awkward. You could add more than the amoire. Then mention the ‘mundane oak table.’

I think ‘Whether you…’ should be capitalized though you are finishing a thought/speech.

This story is indeed creative, but for me the action was rushed and the imagery superficial. You could have added a great deal more. Or at least extended/expanded more.

[Zoidberg]

Ok, thanks for the advice! I am so glad that you actually posted on my story!

I will make the changes soon.

Also, I may be stupid for asking, but what did you mean by "superficial"?

[Vorcla]

This is more like a vignette than a fully realized story. Heavy on the action, but needs a little fleshing out, especially where characterization is concerned. We don't know much about this guy except that he goes around poisoning people's drinks and jumping out windows into hay wagons (that was a little too convenient, BTW! ). However, you do have a readable style, and it's exciting - kinda like watching a Zorro movie. This is pretty good for an early effort.

[Alex]

I liked it, I believe it would do well with chapters but I agree with everyone else. You need to help the readers understand who this murderer really is, to an extent where poeple will want to read more of him.

[Zoidberg]

I'm glad you guys liked the plot line, and I do know that this needs more detail. I think I will heavily revise it and post it again. Thanks for the comments!

[Peppy]

Well, I don't think I can say anything that has already been said. But I do know this, you shouldn'treally start with a scenario but with a true begining, you can be abstract about it or blunt, as long as there's a good and grabbing beginning.

And, you need more characterization as everyone says.

Good work though, I enjoyed reading it alot.

(PS, if you can't re-write this, write another story with the points made by your readers.)

[Brandeno41]

very creative good polt line.

[Arnklit]

First I'd like to comment on the replies to this story. Either some of you have never read a good book, or you're padding people on the back simply to make sure you'll get good replies to your own stuff. If you want to feel good about yourselves, go read a self-help book or climb a mountain or something, if you want to get good at writing and help others become good writers you got to be mean and ugly when it's called for.

This is okay for an early try at writing, and you should keep writing so you can get better even when I'm finished with my rant.

This is however not a good story. I wouldn't even call it a story, it doesn't take us anywhere and we don't care for the characters.

We don't have any sympathy for any of the characters, because we don't know them, when I say sympathy I don't mean that you have to have teletubby nice characters, you can feel sympathy with assassins, Fitz from the Farseer Trilogy just to name one.

Conflict is important for a story and you obviously have a conflict, but when the reader doesn't know why there is a conflict and who to root for, the conflict becomes meaningless.

Technically it's not a terrible piece, there are mistakes, but it is okay to read and I won't waste my time going into too many details when what's really important is that you learn how to actually write a story.

Ever heard of suspension of disbelief? Else look it up. when you describe a world based in European medieval times and just throw in a bit of magic in the form of a scrying stone, you're breaking suspension of disbelief, when a duke takes wine from an alchemist and is not suspicious you're breaking suspension of disbelief, when the guards don't frisk him before letting him be alone with the duke you're breaking suspension of disbelief.

When you're characters act this stupid the reader can't stay with you, it's clear that you're letting you're characters be stupid to progress you're story. This is actually mostly about character maximum capacity, if you haven't heard about it, look it up. It basically means that you're characters should always be acting to their fullest capacity or you will break the suspension of disbelief, would the guards still be guards if they were that stupid? Would the duke even have lived this long if he were that stupid? Would the assassin for that matter still be alive if he were that reckless?

Well I could keep on ranting, but I'll stop now, as I said it's not a terrible early piece, I just don't want you thinking that this is great piece of literature, because then you'll never work hard at getting better. Keep writing and read some good books to see how the pros do it.

Good luck in all your future writing endeavors.

[beverent]

It's a good one. But you've missed some good points to tell so the readers will understand it more. If its a one-shot story, then it might be better if its a bit longer.

[jsouz]

very interesting mr zoidberg. interesting indeed