[Legato]

- Introduction -

The room still smelt like rotting flesh even after Nyer had taken out what had remained of the bodies in the old farmhouse. It was just two weeks ago that Nyer found the farmhouse; thinking he could escape the guards from the city by staying at this house seemed to have been a great idea at the time. Convincing the family to let him stay was another matter, but after he handed over a few silver coins, they had said they would let him stay for a short while. It was just this morning though, when he heard the screams coming from inside the building. He had been out walking around with the horses when he heard the screams, and had hidden behind one of the few remaining trees outside, until he realized the guards would not have been hurting an old farmer and his wife. It was just a few seconds later though, that he saw two men walk out of the farmhouse both wearing black and red tabards and finely cut woolen cloaks. The first to come out of the house was a short, slightly balding man, who looked to be all muscle wielding a large cudgel in one hand, and a dark brown sack in the other. The second man, who came out shortly after the first, looked like a perfectly ordinary man. He was an average height with short brown hair, and he carried a small dagger thrust behind his belt. No one would have noticed him anywhere unless he stood up and shouted that he was there. He could probably kill someone without them even noticing him, until they saw the dagger sticking out of their body for that matter.

Shortly after leaving the house, the man who carried the dark brown sack reached into it and pulled out what looked to be an oval stone. He then gave it to the man with the short brown hair, who held it up to the sky. Then without warning, a bright horizontal flash of light appeared before both of them, which started stretching out into what looked to be a door, that led to a stone corridor lit by several torches. The short man then walked through the door into the stone corridor, shortly followed by the man with the short brown hair. As soon as both men were on the other side of the door, it turned back into a horizontal beam of light and vanished, leaving only a hazy purple residue across Nyer's vision.

Once Nyer got to the house, the shock of what he saw made him turn around and sick up. The white flowered walls were now painted with blood and the wooden floor had gouges where someones weapon had apparently missed its target. In the middle of the room stood an iron bound chest, covered in blood, that had been dragged out of it's spot at the foot of the bed. There were a few blood smeared keys lying next to the chest, but they were tossed aside as if they were not the ones that could unlock it. Everything in the house that was not nailed down had been turned inside out for anything that might have been valuable. The bed had seemingly exploded, leaving only pieces of itself scattered throughout the room. Body parts were strewn about the floor as if the bodies themselves had somehow managed to explode, too.

"Maybe the guards will go easy on me if I turn myself in. Stealing isn't that bad of a crime." Nyer cried as he wiped away the tears streaming down his face.

[foxblade]

Vague... umm, very vague...

Here's what I can tell you, though, from my own experience in writing.

Explain the lights a little more because they were useless in the entire plot of the story. All that I can see is that they were will o' the wisps or St. Elmo's fire, but they're usually found in and around cemetaries out doors or in the woods.

Also, the boys in the story seem to be lacking the fear that is needed for impending death. They hesitated to get to the door but their fear dissipated when they met Valfor, the evil, old parrot wielding King of Abis? I don't get it.

And last but not least... How on earth did they get there in the first place? When you're writing a third person narrative, it's good to give at least a little bit of backup information, just to gat an idea of where the story is going, you know what I mean?

Also, wha tdoes the title have to do with the story???

What you can do to fix it up a little bit is to write another chapter to this so that you can explain a little more about the lights and the old parrot, and escape... if they do escape, that is.

[RENA HANDS]

I am sorry, but I stopped after the first seven sentences, you are missing a lot of periods here…

Sam said (no period)

Suddenly a light appeared. It had a blue glow to it. (Origianlly “it” was no capitalized.) And in the same sentence “They” should be capitalized too.

Where is the action? There needs to be more action.

Jason asked (no period)
Sam said (no period)
Sam said (no period)
Sam said (no period)
Jason said (no period)
Sam said (no period)
Jason (no period)
Sam said (no period)
Jason shouted (no period)
Sam shouted (no period)
Jason said (no period)
Sam asked (no period)
Jason shouted (no period)
Valfor said (no period)
Sam said (no period)
Valfor said (no period)
Valfor laughed (no period)
Valfor shouted (no period)

[Randomgold]

First of all, I also feel you need a good, solid begging to the story. Tell us where they are, who these kids (Are they even kids? Maybe they're adults, or teens). You should also describe Valfor. I know it's supposed to be dark, but their's more to description than what someone looks like. This applies to everything else, but go into sounds, smells, even what things feel like. There also is some problems with grammar. It looks like your scared to use commas to join your sentences in some areas. Adding in more description, back story, and grammatical changes will do wonder for you story.

[Thalenchar]

I too think you need to flesh out things a bit more. Stuff seems to happen too sudden, without a clear explanation. Where are they, who are they? Too many questions left after this story, and not in a good way
I also think you might want to reread it and add some periods and comma's in places, as pointed out by Randomgold, Rena Hands and Foxblade.

Has potential though

[Legato]

Haha sorry about the bad writing xD I did that a few years back when I first started getting into writing and stuff so I wasn't to good at it D:

[Syrah]

Well, we hope to see some of your more recent work.

[Zoidberg]

Wait a minute, I just read the story and then the comments, and they don't match. Did you just write something completely different or something? Anyway, I will review what I have read:

First of all, a little description of our protagonist would be good. All I know so far is that his name is Nyer, and I am not quite sure if he is a thief or not.

You seem to have some detail, but not enough major plot description. Where did he see the creatures? What did the rest of the creatures look like?

Also, paragraphing your ideas would make this a lot clearer. Try that, then go from there.

I hope some of this helps.

P.S. It feels good to finally review something.

[Legato]

Umm basically, a few years ago I wrote a really bad story xD
And so I erased it. And the story that is here right now is the new story that I am still writing.
Sorry about the confusion xD
And since this is the introduction, it is just like the outline of what is going on...once I get to the first paragraph I will get in detail on all the people lol

[timtornado3721]

"The short man then walked through the door into the stone corridor, shortly followed by the man with the short brown hair."

Shortly is redundant of short. Perhaps replace shortly with soon.

"Once Nyer got to the house, the shock of what he saw made him turn around and sick up."

Sick up? That seems a bit strange. Did he hurl? Did he feel queasy? Maybe both?

"the wooden floor had gouges where someones weapon had apparently missed its target."

Someones should have a (') in it. --> Someone's <--

A little iffy for a begining. Not too much meat to the story so definitely it needs more to grab the reader.