[BurningBlade]

On a dark and stormy night, a single man rode atop his horse in the pouring rain to the Castle of Lynn. The man couldn't hear anything but the rain crashing against the ground and the puddles splashing as his horse trampled in the watery-like mud. He whipped the reigns and the horse sped up as he continued rushing along the muddy road. After twenty minutes of non-stop riding, he arrived at the large wooden gates of Castle Lynn. He managed to raise his head to the castle wall and shout to the guards.

"Open the gates! I am a messenger of Frelia!" the man shouted before collapsing and falling off his horse onto the muddy road. He was unconscious but the guards took him to the cleric to rest up.

3 days had passed and he finally came to, in a bright room with many windows, a table beside him with food and herbs and a door across from the bed he was lying in. He slid out of bed and tried to stand, but his legs couldn't support him and he came crashing down onto the wooden floor. One of the nurses heard the loud noise and rushed in to aid the messenger. She helped him up and attempted to get him to walk again by leaning him on her and holding him up. After several minutes of practice, he finally was able to walk again.

"Where..." he said dizzily.

"You're in the Castle of Lynn. You collapsed outside our gates and our guards quickly rushed you to us. Thank heavens they did. A few more minutes out there and you could have come down with something bad..." the nurse replied.

It began to come back to the messenger. Was it too late? He quickly turned to the nurse again. "How long have I been out?"

"Been just over 3 days now. But I'm sure you'll make a full recovery. You're already walking and talking."

The nurse let out a small chuckle as the messenger raced out of the room, limping with each step. He shoved open the door and ran down the streets full of civilians shopping for their everyday needs. He made his way from one side of town to the other until he found the Keep of Lynn, where the queen remained. He rushed up to the door and was halted immediately by the guards.

"Civilians are not allowed to see her Highness," one guard spoke.

"Move along." the other said.

"You don't understand, I am a messenger of Frelia. I bare grave news. I must speak with her Highness at once!" the messenger cried.

"You?" one guard said with a brief laugh. "You look like a homeless fool, just look at your clothes. Frelia would not send such filth to report to her Highness."

"Now move along, or we'll be forced to arrest you," the other guard said again, more aggressive this time.

"Please, I beg of you. If her Highness does not know the news I am withholding, the city could fall and it would be entirely your faults!" the messenger shouted so loud, that the people across the street heard what he had said and began a small panic. Rushing from right to left, asking each other things quickly and some even screamed.

One of the guards stepped forward.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry for the confusion. This man is crazy. He's insane, the city won't fall and you have my word. Now please, go about your business!" the guard shouted to the crowd and then turned to his post.

"Guard, I am not lying to you. You must inform her Highness that a messenger of Frelia has come and she bares grave news! If you won't let me see her, then relay my message for her, please. I do not want to watch this city fall?"

The messenger was getting desperate and knew what he had to say was dire and, at all costs, must be relayed.

"We've got better things to do than tell her Highness about your lies. Now move along. I won't tell you again," the guard said, lowering his hand to his sword.

"I won't let Lynn fall because of you fools. You've left me no other choice. Please, forgive me," the messenger said as he closed his eyes and bowed his head. He raised both of his hands to his chest and began to slowly clench them into fists.

"What... what's going on?" one of the guards shouted as he fell to his knees.

"Seize him! Ahhh!" the other guard shouted as he fall, face first onto the stone ground. The other guard soon fell to the ground and they were both stuck there, not able to move a muscle. The messenger opened his eyes and pushed up the doors, revealing a long hallway of guards standing on both sides of large pillars and the queen at the very end of the hall.

The messenger watched as all the guards formed a circle around him and held out their spears. He raised his fingers and snapped them twice, echoing throughout the hallway. The guards all dropped their shields and weapons and fell to the floor.

"Sleep tight, you'll wake up in an hour or two," the messenger told them as he continued down the hall up to the queen. As he approached the small set of stairs to her chair, he bowed to her.

"What do you want? Gold?" the queen asked nervously.

"Your Highness, I am a messenger from Frelia and I bring grave news of the Undead. I am sorry I had to lay down your guards' weapons. They'll be fine in a couple of hours."

"What news of the Undead? Has something happened to our dear allies?" the queen asked, startled.

"They invaded Relance and took the castle. They've broken the alliance and are marching to Frelia and Lynn is next on it's list. Lord Gladameer begs that you send what soldiers you have to help him protect his citizens from the masses of Undead that march towards his walls. Will you go to his aid, Your Highness?" the messenger asked, bowing his head.

"I do not have many soldiers to spare after the attack from the Mountain Ogres, but I will send what Knights I have left. While they are few in numbers, their strength makes up for it, they will serve you and Lord Gladameer well. I will send a guard to fetch them from their chambers at once. In the meantime, perhaps you'd like a drink?" the queen asked.

"I could use a drink after all this is over, but now is not the time, I shall await your knights at the city gate. It was nice seeing you again, Your Highness."

The messenger smiled as he turned away and walked out of the chambers, stepping past the sleeping guards and walking out the massive doors.

"Again?" the queen pondered the messenger's remark. "Wait just a minute. Arken, was that you, Arken? No, it couldn't be, he's no messenger of Frelia..." the queen was greatly confused but remembered her promise and snapped her fingers in the air. A young boy ran up to the queen and bowed.

"Patius, go tell the Knights to report to a messenger at the front gates immediately. They are to ride to Frelia and aid Lord Gladameer in whatever means possible, go now and hurry," the queen explained as the boy ran off.

"Well, if it was you Arken, it was nice to see you again too," the queen laughed silently.

[JirQUEST]

a story with potential, based on the plot alone. but there are several points which i thought hampered the progression of your story.

you began with "On a dark and stormy night". simple enough, but really, this reminds me of "once upon a time". which makes me wonder about how much thought u have put into the story. u do not want to show ur readers the amateurish style, definitely not at the very start when u have to hook them.

show, dont tell. "he said dizzily", "the messenger cried". come on, the context of your story should tell us how they speak. dont take the easy way out and use these words.

another example of tell - "The messenger was getting desperate and knew what he had to say was dire and, at all costs, must be relayed."

this line was quite unnecessarily. the dialogue above already tells us that the message was urgent. the fact that he rushed out of the room and over to the other side of the town shows his desperation.

u need to rewrite many portions of this story, mainly to make it compact. remove the superfluous. stuff like this:

"He managed to raise his head..."

honestly, does it matter even if he doesnt? he's going to shout. someone's going to notice him and he's going to collapse blah blah blah. let the reader imagine it for themselves. stuff like this simply slows down ur story.

"He was unconscious but the guards took him to the cleric to rest up." - now, the earlier line already suggests that he fell unconscious. perhaps u would like to rewrite this? maybe make it like this:

He lay on the ground as the rain pelted his body. The guards hurried up to him, and had to carry him to their cleric.

not the best solution but if u are looking for a quicky way out of that scene, this might be considerable. now, i felt that the sudden shift of the story was kinda jarring. have u ever thought of beginning ur story from the moment he woke from his unconscious state and maybe add in a flashback to show the scene in the rain?

i also thought there was a logic problem after he dashed out of the room. how come the nurse doesnt chase after him? why did she chuckle? the nurse could have supported his story, and he wouldnt have had to disable the guards. maybe u could show his powers later in the story.

and honestly! if i were the queen, i would have run! why would i sit there and ask nervously what this strange guy wants from me after he disabled all my guards? and what were they doing b4 that? i get the idea that they were just sitting around and waiting for the scene outside the gates to finish so they could let the story flow.

u should take a look at ur dialogue as well. a common problem with most writers is that they either tend to let the dialogue run on without breathing space, or they just put tons of commas, which is what happened in ur case. use a period. what happens in real life is very different when it is on the page. read ur dialogue. give ur readers a breathing space. they also need to think as they read.

and finally, what the hell is the queen doing, asking if he would like a drink? why did she laugh silently? their allies are being attacked and this is what she does? it's definitely not believable. review that portion and give some thought to ur writing.

[mykemyk]

This has the makings of a fine tale. It could do with a bit less dialogue. It would take the reader to where you're going a lot quicker.

[Serac]

Not the most lively dialogue, but it's nice to see some. A lot of the people here don't seem to like dialogue as much as I do. I honestly see no problem with having a lot of dialogue. For me, it helps establish who the characters are. This is the first step to connecting with a character. I might use too much dialogue, but I thought you used a fair amount. Keep up the good work.

[Storiesmaniac]

Hmm that was an interesting story, but i think you should listen to jir. He knows what he is talking about, there were some parts in that story that were just lacking. A good attempt though i do commend you.

[sensitive1]

I want to read more!! I love stories about castles, knights, kings, and queens! What a romantic time that was.

[Maud]

ya you know with the paluge, constant hunger that led to the murder of children to conserve food, constant warfare, a total lack of hygine, religous prosecution, and a total lack of personal freedom. How romantic.

[Gigle]

I liked the plot of this story a lot. I think it would be really interesting to see more chapters.

I have to agree that the dialogue is somewhat weak, a problem I have as well. It is very hard to make written dialogue "feel" real, like something that would be said in real life.

[Evrviglnt]

I liked the idea, though it seemed a bit rushed. I didn't mind the dialogue so much, it was more a consequence of the brevity than imagination.

A few things - they don't put the sick ward across from the Queen's throne room - she could catch something! In the beginning you write that his horse trampled in watery - mudd and then in the next sentence you restate that he continued up the muddy road. Describe the scene for us and then use it, but don't waste space that could be better used describing the throne room or what the main character looks like. Lastly, a wise queen doesn't give a stranger the guards ' that she has left.' That leaves her defenseless!

Overall, I like the creativity this story teases us with. Its obvious Burningblade has some good ideas, just needs to transcribe them a little better. That will come with practice. This is a good start.

[Evrviglnt]

Originally Posted by Muad'Dib

ya you know with the paluge, constant hunger that led to the murder of children to conserve food, constant warfare, a total lack of hygine, religous prosecution, and a total lack of personal freedom. How romantic.

I think its the total lack of hygeine that excites Muad. Imagine, there's no sneaking up on your girlfriend when you smell like a dung heap, so you got to be romantic to get some lovin'!

[Oehmkecj]

I rated the way I did because it was really too short to make an adequate assessment.

I like most of your dialogue although it did get a bit wordy in the end. You might want to think about shortening it but still maintaining the quality and content of what is said. Also, you might want to add more to setting up scenes such as the part where the messenger puts the guards to sleep. Understandable if this is a proglogue or introduction because you want to be short and sweet (don't be like Jordan and write a hundred page introduction) but I do know that a lot of readers love to see parts like this and I don't like to see them rushed.

As far as fundamentals go, you're story flows well. Got to point out, though, like others who commented on the same thing... "Dark and stormy night"? This was played out a long time ago and the only time you can get away with it now is if your making a satire or going for humor.

[RENA HANDS]

You need to capitalize Queen and Knights.

,where the Queen Remained.

…on both sides of large pillars and the Queen at the very end of the hall.

…down the hall up to the Queen.

..the Queen asked nervously.

…the Queen asked, startled.

…the Queen asked.

A young boy ran up to the Queen and bowed.

…the Queen laughed silently.

I shall await your Knights at the city gate.

I think the story is too general; you need more actions, shorten dialogue and give more detail in scenery. This story could be extended into further chapters I think.

[Zoidberg]

I love the plot to this story, but a little more detail could do, like when you describe the chamber of the Queen, so you could go from:

The messenger opened his eyes and pushed up the doors, revealing a long hallway of guards standing on both sides of large pillars and the queen at the very end of the hall.

To something like, The messenger opened his eyes and pushed open the doors, revealing a long hallway, filled with iron-clad guards and glossy marble pillars. The Queen sat atop her throne at the end of the hallway, dressed in royal red robes.

Also, a little more detail about the Undead other than the fact that they are undead and that they are invading kingdoms.

Otherwise, this story is great and with a little sculpting could be a published book that I will enjoy some day. It also will be better with more chapters, so you can explain more of the backstory.

[timtornado3721]

"Seize him! Ahhh!" the other guard shouted as he fall,

Should be fell.

The reaction of the people panicing seems unreal. Maybe whispers amongst each other since most people know not to believe everything they hear immediately, let alone from a stranger.

[Ameasha]

Several things have already been mentioned, so I won't repeat them.

" The nurse let out a small chuckle as the messenger raced out of the room, limping with each step. " Wouldn't his limping reduce his speed." After all he has been unconscious for three days. Wouldn't he be weak?

"Been just over 3 days now. But I'm sure you'll make a full recovery. You're already walking and talking." I might be wrong, but typing the word three would be better than 3.

"Please, I beg of you. If her Highness does not know the news I am withholding, the city could fall and it would be entirely your faults!" Maybe something along this line, " "Please, I beg of you. If her Highness is unaware of this message, the city could fall and you all would be to blame!"

One more thing I caught, "Guard, I am not lying to you. You must inform her Highness that a messenger of Frelia has come and she bares grave news!" All throughout your tale the messenger is male. I was somewhat confused and had to reread to clarify.

Good potential, you just have to iron the wrinkles out. I'm a newbie so I hope I have helped.
Ameasha