[SimpleSpence]

Chapter One: Lucerious

"Mr. Caperen here are your bottles of ink for this months events." Lucerious said unpretentiously and I replied, "Ah yes, and just in time my boy, you always seem to know when the drawers are getting empty. You must know considering it's a three day walk from here to Meruki and back, and here you are precisely on time as usual." I rambled on about trying to put a smile on the young five hundred year old boy who sat in front of me as he did every month, trying to curiously snoop around in my events I had written within the month's time.

"Any sightings of your father in these parts?" I asked as I do every month.

"No, still no news on him. Haven't seen him for about 4 years now." he said as a slight look of dismay came upon his face.

"Cheer up boy, word around here is the Ambassador has asked you to be one of his knights and journey to Syrhim to map out the rest of the great yet dangerous Ravenswood. The last time we sent our men in there well... Here, I know I shouldn't be doing this but your father was a part of that group and I have a few passages of communication written from the teams that went in that year here in Volume 9071 on the shelf of events." I said handing him the book as he opened the cover with a profound look on his face as he read the few pages of events.

" Day 1 of the Ravenswood exploration:

We've arrived in Ravenswood on the 5th day of December, most of the area is covered in snow as a thick cloud of darkness and gray cast upon the lands. Something's telling me that this exploration will be a faulty one, as I look into the eyes of even the most bravest of our groups and still I see fear, which we have plenty to dread as even the new species we've discovered look like they've been breed to live in a hell as this one. We've set camp on a marshy area surrounded by thick fog. We're mostly in the hills of Ravenswood though from the highest peaks we have seen what looks to be an open in all of the terrain ahead. I've look around every few feet as we record our observations to notice something new about the area every step of the way. The plant life has seemed to be corroded and even though most of it is a few feet higher than the average man stands the weirder plants rest on the grounds of the country. Some of them I swear have souls of their own, some even have a constant drip of substances we haven't even began to try and identify never the less label.

Lucerious stopped reading as he closed the book and though of his own image of Ravenswood as he smiled and welcomed the challenge. " Thanks, for letting me read the event. I swear to tell no one of this and as much fun as I'm having here I must go, for I have to be at the Ambassador's palace in less than two days and it will be a day and a half counting rest and stops for eating all together to make it there." I looked over at the boy replying, "I understand of your traveling intentions and it was a pleasure seeing you and I enjoyed your company, but take this for your journey ahead and know that my thoughts and good hopes for you are always with you." I said handing him a package as he grasped it and without another glance and a speedy goodbye he was off to the Ambassadors palace, then to Ravenswood. "First stop the town of Ithrad!" Lucerious said to himself as he slightly picked up his pace walking on the side of the dirt road.

Lucerious was a curious boy of many wonders and good intentions, he longed to see everything his eyes could see and know of everything his mind could withhold even if it was just a fairy tale made up by the local Storyteller he was there with the younger kids ears open and a steady imagination. He had taken trips to many places before, though since his last voyage before the Black Wars, he had taken time to settle down and now as a runner for Mr. Caperen he spent most of his days doing other good deeds for townspeople and anyone else he could lend a helping hand to he was always there for anyone with a smile. He was 219 years old, stood about 5"8", and had a fair build for a boy of his age. He dressed in tan Methlock made clothes that he bought in bulk from Meruki his home town and where he stayed most of his life until he was old enough to venture and explore the world of Kyrith.

With him he always carried his bow and a quiver full of arrows, and a small ivory dagger that was given to him by the Ambassador of Kyrith when he was picked as a runner which he had started about 6 years ago. He also carried a satchel full of common traveling items such as a hatchet, coal, food, extra clothes, and common necessities. His hair was long and dark red though it tended to change from season to season. His eyes were gray and he shaved all his facial hair, what little he had, off except for a small goatee like beard that he kept well trimmed. He was born in the town of Methlock and lived there with his mother and father until the age of 49, then his father was chosen to be a knight of the ambassador and they moved the town of Meruki. There his mother was also chosen to be a spiritual guide as she was one of the few women priests, she did rituals to guide lost souls to the greater Azul. A temple of peace, glory, and holiness.

She was killed in the Black Wars and was chosen to be honored by placing a statue of her on the grounds that were cleared for the ceremony of those who died during the Black Wars. His father was called off 4 years ago to explore Ravenswood and since then no one has seen or heard from him along with 21 or 25 other lost knights who went in with the 5 groups that day. Lucerious paced himself as he looked around for a nice place to came for the night as night grew nearer. He was making good time on his travel and it had only taken him 10 minutes to set up camp and get a small fire going. He ate a piece of bread and slightly still warmed leg of Lurg, common to a chicken, and settled down as his eyes slightly closed as he rested for the night.

[/color]

Well, I guess one thing I haven't noticed about you, after being with you for over two years, is that you are in fact a very talented person. I already knew that you could play guitar fairly well and have a natural inclination to music, but I never really realized what a unique and well-adapted imagination you have. You truly are gifted and I don't think I pay as much attention to you or encourage you like I should. For that, I apologize. Your stories really do interest me...and I admit...I have been on here to read all of them..I guess I just never took the time to realize why...or tell you for that matter. Now I know that I like to read them because they're really great stories. I love you Spencer and I hope that one day you can use this talent to your advantage. Good luck.

Thanks Jenn, didn't know you knew I posted here?!

[Serac]

How come he's so old? I mean, dang. Other than that, I was able to follow everything pretty clearly. When you had the characters in dialogue, it seemed a little awkward. If you can smooth that out a little, then you should be able to take this opening and run with it.

[Evrviglnt]

Following Serac's comments I'll add that the flow of the writing seems out of rythm. As an example, this sentence:

His eyes were gray and he shaved all his facial hair, what little he had, off except for a small goatee like beard that he kept well trimmed.

As one reads there is a natural cadence that develops, and when it falters, you end up rereading sentences to understand them. Here we read about gray eyes and shaving off ALL of his facial hair, except for a goatee like beard! Does that mean he has no eyebrows?

Now, if the sentence were more like " His eyes were gray, his face cleanly shaven but for a well trimmed goatee," that would be a sentence a reader could pass through easily as they follow your worthy story. There are many disjointed sentences like this one, writing as if you are bringing the story directly to us from your mind, instead of writing it and then proofreading it for comprehension and flow.

The good thing for you is that you write intriguing stories, which is why so many of us take the time to read what you are offering us. Ask your friend there to team up with you, as someone who can read your stories and give you feedback, she represents the average person you are trying to reach. My girlfriend is invaluable to me as such, and we spend many hours meandering through scenarios and plot ideas - and she's never written a story in her life!

[Peppy]

I like. You opened a small part of my imagination. I'd like to read more...

[SimpleSpence]

TY everyone, and thanks for the corrections I'll correct that right away, I typed this mostly during 1- 5 am on the night I did it, so I'm really sorry for the misrevision I did before posting it will be more careful later!!

This story has a unique atmosphere. I can't quite put my finger on it; it reminds me vaguely of a story set in the American colonial era. But there are definitely elements of fantasy in that set it apart from anything I've encountered before. The fact that the main character is so darn old, relatively speaking, reminds me of Tolkien's The Hobbit.

It's been said already, but I'll say it again anyways. Some of your sentences are way too long, and consequently they're slightly confusing. There are also a few instances where a verb is in an incorrect tense. Shorten those sentences up and tighten your grammar, and you'll be good to go!

[DisenchantdMuse]

Can't argue with what has already been said,
You've definately created quite a world for yourself here
Please continue

[RENA HANDS]

Lucerious stopped reading as he closed the book and though of his own…

I think you mean “thought.”

Lucerious stopped reading as he closed the book and thought of his own…

Bloody! I thought my sentences were long. I will reserve any more thoughts until I have completely read the whole story.

[Razor]

I like the originality of this piece. I mean you used common terms like Knight and King and whatnot, but so many times, as writers in a fantasy setting, we use orcs, nymphs etc etc.

So I would encourage the originality when writing the next chapter.

Some things I think would help this chapter is tightening up your wording. Evrvight said the rhythm didn't feel quite right, and I'd have to agree. It was a bit jarring at times.

I think that's because I had to reread a few parts because of awkward wording. Also, there was times when names like Ravenwood forest was used quite a bit in a short span of the story. That always breaks up a otherwise smooth read.

Just so you have an idea of what I'm talking about:

We've arrived in Ravenswood on the 5th day of December, most of the area is covered in snow as a thick cloud of darkness and gray cast upon the lands.

after "December" put a period or semicolon, because both are sentences in an of themselves. Also, "most of the area is covered in snow with a thick cloud of darkness..." I'd use with because with "as" I'm looking for something like: snow as thick as a castle wall. Maybe that's just me though.

Something's telling me that this exploration will be a faulty one, as I look into the eyes of even the most bravest of our groups and still I see fear, which we have plenty to dread as even the new species we've discovered look like they've been breed to live in a hell as this one.

"... will be a faulty one; for, as I look into the..." Make that a sentence and turn the rest into another sentence(s): as I look into the eyes of even the bravest of men, I still see fear. I do not fault them; for, it is not ill placed. Every new species we discover looks like it has been breed to live in the bowels of hell.

If you can go back and catch things like that. It will really help the flow and be more attractive to the reader.

You have the interesting cargo a reader is after, just lay a smooth track for it to be delivered on.

[Coadmaster]

I like this story It's got a nice flow to it. just one part I had a bit of a problem with.

some even have a constant drip of substances we haven't even began to try and identify never the less label.

This sort of bugged me, and I think it's the 'never the less' part. 'Never the less' is a term used most commonly to say that you don't want to do something, but are going to do anyway. Maybe switch that with 'not to mention'? I think that would work better

[Randomgold]

This looks like it'll be an interesting story once it really gets going. I know it's been said before, but grammar and word choice are important and you'll need to work on it. In future chapters you should develop the setting more, tell us about the world, and why Lucerious is over 200 years old, yet the narrator gives us a sense that that isn't all that old here. You should keep working on it though, not only this chapter, but those to come later.

[Thalenchar]

I have to say that while I like the concept of the story, I do think you sometimes either stretch out your sentences a bit too much (as has been mentioned earlier), or just don't use commas.
There are numerous examples of lengthy sentences in your story that would do with being split by a period, or having their flow improved by adding commas at the right places.
For instance, this sentence:

Lucerious was a curious boy of many wonders and good intentions, he longed to see everything his eyes could see and know of everything his mind could withhold even if it was just a fairy tale made up by the local Storyteller he was there with the younger kids ears open and a steady imagination.

I think it would be better if you changed that to something like:
Lucerious was a curious boy of many wonders and good intentions. He longed to see everything his eyes could see and know of everything his mind could hold, even if it was just a fairytale made up by the local storyteller. He would be there listening with the younger kids, ears op and with a steady imagination.
Or something similar

I just improves the flow of the story alot and means people will focus on the story itself more than they would if they get bogged down trying to decipher your sentences.

Also I think here you need another word.

what looks to be an open in all of the terrain ahead.

And here I think you mean camp instead of came.

Lucerious paced himself as he looked around for a nice place to came for the night as night grew nearer.

I'm curious to read more!

[Zoidberg]

Your story was very creative and I always enjoy reading a Fantasy story, but this one maybe needs some refining. A lot of the text and dialogue seems like run-on sentences, like:

I looked over at the boy replying, "I understand of your traveling intentions and it was a pleasure seeing you and I enjoyed your company, but take this for your journey ahead and know that my thoughts and good hopes for you are always with you." I said handing him a package as he grasped it and without another glance and a speedy goodbye he was off to the Ambassadors palace, then to Ravenswood.

Okay, with that part, first of all, you used replying and said to explain your talking. Also, the dialogue is a run-on sentence and your description is a run-on sentence.

Also, throughout the story, the tense seems kind of shifty. Not that it changes, it just doesn't seem to work out like, "I looked over at the boy replying," Looked is past tense and replying is present tense.

Quote:
some even have a constant drip of substances we haven't even began to try and identify never the less label.

This sort of bugged me, and I think it's the 'never the less' part. 'Never the less' is a term used most commonly to say that you don't want to do something, but are going to do anyway. Maybe switch that with 'not to mention'? I think that would work better

I think you actually mean 'let alone' not 'never the less' (which is one word anyway) and not 'not to mention'.

Maybe you should just look over the story again to refine it. Otherwise it was very interesting.