[RENA HANDS]

What about…

She was tall, attractive with golden hair standing in a white dress.

What about…

She passed many puzzled-looking maids but they said nothing so she continued on her way.

I think you should leave it at…Do not panic. Or something like… Do not panic. Cease the rumors!

I think King should be capitalized.

What about…

The full power of the crown could have been used by the villagers so too could the King and his daughter.

Or something of the like…

Other words describing “crowd,” mob, audience, assembly, spectators, viewers or even addressees.

What about…

Kaia tried to smile but all that sputtered from her mouth was her tragedy as far.

No, I’m not. I do not control any of the elements. (not a comma)

I would not be so sure. (not a comma)

Follow me. (not a comma)

,the Shield flickers.

Its leg slowly regenerated from the bloodless stump as if nothing had happened to it previously…

Or something similar.

I wouldn’t state “suddenly exhausted,” she simply would be exhausted.

I think Chapter 2 same with Chapter 1 seems rushed. The settings should be a bit more detailed. The characters’ interaction could be more in depth. I will continue with Chapter 3 tomorrow.

[Razor]

I realize this story has been combed through quite a bit, and you've probably moved on, so instead of nick-picking I'll just give an overview.

First of all. I like the shield and the six elements theme. (to me at least) This is an original theme. Okay, so maybe not the six elements as much, but remember no nick-picking.

My criticism, this hits me as a rough draft...an outline of a novel. The characters are bland. They don't jump out at me. If someone asked a reader to describe the personality of one of the main characters, the reader (if they are paying attention) should be able to describe in a few sentences at the minimum, what the character is like. I'm not sure I could do that.

Like Kaia is a young girl who lost her parents, grieves over them, but seems to forget about them when she finds out she can use magic.

What I want to know is: Is she sassy, is she carefree, is she serious all the time, is she upbeat, is she shy, is she curious, is she cautious, is she wild, is she naive, is she always riddle with anxiety, does she have a confidence problem...etc etc.

Knowing those things really brings the character to life. Its like...well I don't remember which post it was without going back and looking, anyways, adding little sentences before and after dialog can really give incite into a character's personality.

Also, dialog itself can define a character. Some of your dialog is just to the point and doesn't reflect the personality of your characters. Take what you want to say and then put in the words of the character saying it.

My reason for this, think about characters from your favorite books. You love to read about them because of their personalities (btw its okay to put in a very "unique" character to break up an otherwise "normal" cast of characters).. and the story, but you already have an intriguing story.

Despite everything I've said. I really did enjoy this story. I mean I had to, otherwise I wouldn't have finished it. I see potential here, and I hope you bring it out.

Also, the comment about this being a rough outline isn't necessarily a criticism. I try to write long storys (novels) but I get too hung up on filling in every chapter and I forget ideas I had for future chapters. Sometimes I grow tired of it and when I come back I can't remember what I had instore for the rest of the story.

What you have here is fine; just add more flesh to the bones and this will be come an amazing story. Great job.

[The Ugly Mitten]

I'm not so sure about this, it didn't exactly intrigue me and it seemed a little dragged out. Maybe it's the style of writing. You know I actually think that it would be better in first person. I also think that you should make your writing more subtle, and reveal these huge events more gradually so you convey better the state of panic, confusion and pain-which is obviously a large part of the beginning of the story. And for some reason the magical shield seemed almost kiddish and "Walt Disney-ish" I think you should find a more convincing name for that. Even though I have all this criticism I do think this story has great potential and plot is quite interesting. =]

[timtornado3721]

I'll need to write more than one comment because this is so long. When Kaia is being trained to use the elements she learns almost too quickly. Especially since she didn't know how to control any of them before. Maybe a little difficulty at the beginning with the water then as soon as she has it her ability to control it soars.

"Now, since you have already learned many of water techniques," this sentence seems a little awkward. Maybe remove the 'of'.

[timtornado3721]

"Well, you seem to know much of the six elements. Now, you must put them together in a Shield," he sounded unsure, as if he though <-- Kaia might not be able to do it.

Though should be thought.

By the time it was as large as her hand, she found that she was breathing hard, tired very quickly.

The last part of this sentence is awkward and rough.

This is definitely quite a start. The Shadow creature WAS your shining moment and I hope there will be many more to come in part 2.