[Pule]

Synopsis: Kaia, Kalina, and Boraku must travel through the dangerous wasteland to Lozar. The journey will bring back memories and dreams of long ago and doubts of who they are now.


Kaia-Part 2

Chapter 7

Kaia opened her eyes. In front of her lay a hellish landscape of burning sands, molten lava, and black-red clouds shrouding the sky above. Behind her lay an enormous, bright, blue dome of swirling light, inside of which resided the citizens of Crataria, safe beneath a remaining fragment of the Shield which had once covered her entire world. And surrounding her and the two with her was her own Shield, conjured by her parents just before they had lost their lives.

Boraku, the rock mage accompanying Kaia on her journey, winced as he stepped from the protection of the Shield. Kaia's Shield protected them, but the altered landscape left little rock, and most of it was buried deep down or molten. He felt like his power had been drained from him. But still, the rock was there; if he needed it he could summon it.

Kalina stood taller and seemed to glow a little bit after she stumbled through the Shield. Her fire element flourished here, among other things. She felt powerful; normally she would have to summon it from thin air, but now it was all around her.

Kaia felt no loss or gain of strength. Only a shift in the elements. She knew the feelings of all the elements, she knew how to manipulate and move them to do her will. Still, using the dormant energy remaining in her parents' Shield took much of her energy. She had to charge it with her own strength as well, and this was not easy.

"Where do we go?" asked Kalina.

"North, I guess," said Kaia, somewhat unsure. What if they passed it by? What if they went the wrong way? Still, she began walking in the direction that she knew was north.

Kaia concentrated on sustaining the Shield. If it wavered for only a second, they would all be badly burned.

"What will we do when we arrive?" asked Kalina, trying to be optimistic.

"We must seek out Queen Siralana," said Kaia, finding that upholding the Shield wasn't actually that hard; she could ease the intensity of her concentration.

"My parents said they knew her before the Shield was down. She will definitely help us," said Boraku.

They continued on in silence, not knowing when night came. By the time they had walked for what Kaia estimated was about nine hours, the clouds began to darken. Perhaps this was a sign of the nighttime.

Either way, she was thoroughly exhausted. She had been maintaining the Shield nonstop as well as walking the whole time, and she knew she needed rest. But surely she couldn't keep the Shield going in her sleep could she?

Even the others were tired.

"We should rest," said Kalina.

"I agree," Boraku added. "You must be even more tired than us, Kaia."

"Yes, I am," she said, grateful that he brought it up instead of her. Weakness was not something she wanted to show right now. "But how?"

Boraku closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. Kaia and Kalina felt the ground below them shake slightly. Boraku slowly lifted his hand and the walls of a rocky dome rose on all sides of them. A small hole about one foot in diameter was left at the top.

Kalina nodded and looked down at the oozing lava and sand beneath their feet. She focused on it, and it rapidly cooled to form more rock. Boraku let his hand fall and the stone below them flattened.

"This should work," said Kalina.

Kaia sat down gratefully. "Thank you," was all she said before she lay down and fell quickly to sleep.

*****

"Daddy, what magic do I do?" asked five year old Kaia.

"I don't know yet. But remember that when you do find out what magic you have, make sure that you always trust it and let it guide you."

"But I wanna learn it now," she said, stomping her little foot.

"Be patient, my dear, it won't come to you overnight," said her mother as she walked into the living room.

"I don't like being patient, its too much waiting."

Her dad smiled. "Kaia, you have powers that you will never believe. Just be patient and someday you will find them."

This brightened Kaia's mood a little bit. Still, she did not stop.

"But a bunch of the other kids have magic. They're making fun of me."

"Don't let them, Kaia," said her mother. "Just because you're a late bloomer doesn't make them any better than you."

"Alright, mom," she said resignedly.

"And remember, magic will always be there for you, for all of us."

Kaia saw an image of a hideous, red landscape. Her mother screamed and she saw the Shield shrinking away. Her dad yelled to her but she didn't hear what she said. The horrible scene played over and over again in front of her, her parents being swallowed by the terrible, burning terrain.

"Magic was never there for me!"


Chapter 8

"Kaia! Kaia!" Boraku was shaking her by the shoulders. "You yelled something in your sleep. It woke us up." he said. Kalina was standing behind him, looking concerned.

"I'm sorry... it was just a nightmare."

They both nodded. Kalina nodded sympathetically, and Boraku simply nodded in response.

"We should get going," said Kaia. "We don't want to waste too much time."

"You're right. Do you have enough strength?" said Kalina.

"Yes, I'm ready. We don't have much time. Who knows how long Crataria can sustain their Shield? Besides, more of those creatures may have attacked already-"

At that moment a dark creature that looked exactly like the one that had confronted Kaia earlier dropped in from the hole in the ceiling.

Boraku jumped out of the way and launched a rock at the creature. It turned and deflected it with an arcing kick.

Kalina recovered from the surprise and summoned a blast of flame, directed at the creature. It washed over the black monster without seeming to have any effect.

The creature stretched out its hand and it transformed into a long, curved blade. It lunged at Kaia and swung the weapon at her. Kaia leapt out of the way and waved her hand, a bolt of lightning shooting from the hole in the top of the dome to strike the humanoid creature on the head. It shook slightly, but seemed otherwise unaffected. She quickly shot a wave of water at it and froze it around the creature.

The strange demon screeched in anger.

"Boraku, the dome!" yelled Kaia.

He nodded and leapt backwards. He waved his hand and a section of the thick, rocky, dome fell away and crashed down upon the creature. Boraku built the pieces of rock up into a neat pyramid. They stood still for a moment, waiting to see if it would move. But nothing happened.

Kalina sighed with relief.

"We had better get moving," said Kaia.

As they set off from the cave, Kaia reforming the Shield around them all, Boraku turned to her.

"Why didn't you use the Shield?"

"The Shield... I don't know. I guess I just didn't think of it. Its power is dormant inside me, but the rest of the magic is at my fingertips. It just comes naturally."

"Can you conjure a Shield yourself?" he asked.

"Well... almost, but not really."

"Hmm... I think I understand," said Kalina.

They walked on in silence, each with their own thoughts. Kaia was still concentrating, trying to push thoughts of her parents out of her mind. Kalina and Boraku both thought of their parents at home and the safety of their city.

Finally, Kalina couldn't handle the silence anymore.

"So... what are we gonna do when we get there? I mean, we'll find the queen, but what exactly are we going to do there?" she asked, not really seeming that curious. She hated the silence; it only made her surroundings seem worse.

"I'm not really sure... We're the only ones from Crataria who could make it here, but..." Kaia trailed off, answering as halfheartedly as Kalina had asked.

"We will know what to do then," said Boraku calmly, a little less distracted. The land around was depressing, and all three of them were zoning a little.

Kalina spoke up again before silence returned.

"What should we do if the creatures attack again?" she said, quickly. She didn't expect much more response.

Boraku frowned and looked across at her, eyebrow raised.

"We beat them," said Kaia. "We handled that other one, didn't we?"

"But what worries me is that there were two. The one you first fought, plus this last one. Who knows how many there are?"

"That's true..." said Boraku. "But are they organized?"

"That's the question. Did some kind of creature destroy the Shield, and summon these monsters? Or did the Shield fail on its own, and they just live in this wasteland?"

"I'm not sure..." said Kalina. "But if someone... or something destroyed the Shield, we must stop it. Surely it will summon more creatures."

"Yes..." said Boraku thoughtfully.

"What kind of monster would do this?" said Kalina passionately. "He killed millions in one stroke! We will stop whoever that person is."

"Not person..." said Kaia. "Whatever did this could never be human..." Kalina's anger was infectious. Kaia unconsciously quickened her pace.

"We will end this, restore the Shield," said Boraku firmly but more calmly.

Kalina slumped her shoulders a little. She was tired, but she didn't want to admit it.

Boraku glanced at her. "Maybe we should rest now," he said, lifting his hand. Three rocks pushed out of the sand, and Kalina sat down gratefully.

They pulled out bags of dried fruit and stale bread and began eating ravenously. After a quick meal and the reluctant repacking of the remainder of the food, Boraku stood up.

"I'll make a shelter for tonight," he said.

Suddenly there was a noise behind him. He whipped around to see a thin black spike shoot up from the ground. Then came another, about two yards away. There followed six more, and soon an enormous spider had crawled up from the shifting sands.

Kaia's eyes grew wide as the creature screeched loudly. Then it crouched low and launched itself into the air, soaring over the three travelers. It landed in the sands behind them and swung a sharp leg across the Shield, cutting a huge gash in it.

Kalina quickly cooled the sands to rock as Kaia lost touch with the Shield and the rest of it flickered and then disappeared.

The monster crouched again, but Boraku waved his arm and struck the creature with a huge rocky spar from deep underground. The creature was knocked aside, as Kalina moved her arms in a swirling motion, drawing a huge ball of lava from the sands and suspending it in the air in front of the creature.

There was a strange squelching noise as the creature entered it. Kaia suddenly remembered the effect of fire on the other creature. She thrust her palm out and the huge lava ball froze instantly into a smooth sphere of stone. It hit the ground and shook a little.

The three of them unknowingly held their breath as the ball shook slightly from side to side. Then, without warning, it exploded, sending large chunks of rock at the three travelers. Kaia arrested their momentum with a quick gust of wind, and then sent them flying back at the creature. They struck it and bounced off, having no apparent effect. The gigantic spider crouched low and leaped towards them. Boraku quickly swept his hands sideways and the rocky platform they stood on jolted to the side.

The spider landed with four legs on the sand and four legs on the flat, stone slab. The thick peice of rock lifted high in the air. Boraku, having been on the far side of the stone, was thrown over the spider. Before he fell, he lifted a platform of rock from the ground in order to save himself from the burning sands. He hit hard, and he was knocked unconscious.

Kaia and Kalina were thrown onto the spider's back.

"Boraku!" yelled Kalina as she saw him hit the rock.

"Stay on!" yelled Kaia, holding on to the spider desperately and trying to ignore her fallen friend.

As the spider leapt and spun, trying to throw them off, Kaia suddenly lifted them off its back with a gust of wind. They floated high above the bewildered creature, and Kaia yelled "Now!"

Kalina nodded and slapped her hands together, bringing two enormous waves of sand and lava crashing down onto the monster.

And then Kaia tried something she had never done before. She closed her eyes and lifted the huge slab of rock, trying to keep in touch with the wind that was keeping them in the air. She threw it onto the gigantic spider, crushing it instantly.

And then they were falling. Kalina screamed and Kaia looked frantically about, trying to reach the wind again. She just managed to catch them and break their fall and they landed softly on the hard slab of stone.

"Boraku!" she yelled. Now that she had fought alongside him, she suddenly felt much closer to him, as if they had been friends for years. Kalina cooled the lava around him and Kaia raised a dome of rock.

They went to Boraku and knelt next to him. Kalina felt his forehead.

"Yep," she said calmly, "It's a pretty big knot. He's lucky that it's not bleeding. I think he's just unconscious; this'll hurt for a while, but he'll be okay."

Kalina suddenly realized how tired she was and lay down on the rock. Kaia did the same. She had a blank look on her face, and her eyes were dilated and distant.

"Are you okay?" asked Kalina quietly.

"I failed..." she said.

"What do you mean?" Kalina asked, clearly concerned despite her fatigue.

"I couldn't control two elements at once..."

"What? That's not your fault! You were trying to sustain the wait of both of us with just wind, while lifting that huge slab of rock... plus you were already exhausted and under pressure. You just need more practice."

Kaia turned to her. "Thanks, but people are depending on me..."

"Kaia, no one is expecting you to master every element right away. Some people take all their lives to truly master a single element. But I think what you need to do is find the balance between them all." She sounded thoughtful.

"Maybe you're right. I have to be in touch with all of them at once, and just draw from the ones I choose. I think I can do that..."

"I'm sure you can," said Kalina kindly. "You are the chosen one, right?"

Kaia smiled and nodded.

"We should probably get some sleep. We need energy for tomorrow."

*****

Kalina looked around. She was suddenly in another duel, back in Crataria. Suddenly she was knocked flat by a huge tree limb. She dodged another swinging tree limb. She countered with a blast of flame, but it didn't really hit him. She couldn't bring herself to attack another human, even if he had the standard duel armor.

She turned away. At that moment, the man she was dueling snickered and flicked his fingers. Thick vines sprouted from the ground around Kalina and slowly wrapped around her. She struggled for a second then clenched her fists and closed her eyes.

The vines burst into flames and fell to the ground. Kalina thrust her palm outward to shoot a blast of flame, but faltered at the last moment, as she saw the look in the man's eyes. They were wide with fear, as fire was one of the most dangerous elements to duel with. The armor was mostly just for defense against heavy things like rocks and tree limbs, and fire could heat the metal to the point that it burned the wearer.

Kalina hesitated and dropped her hands. And then the man was grinning cruelly, as a tree behind Kalina leaned in to swing a branch at her. It hit her in the back and she fell down.

"They were right. You can't fight," said the man, then he walked away, meeting cheers from his friends outside the duel square.

Kalina's mother walked into the square and helped her up.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "You love using your magic, and you come here to do so but you never do. Why not?"

"I don't like hurting people, Mom. I can't bring myself to really hurt anyone, no matter how mad they make me."

"But honey, you have to stand up for yourself. You won't hurt anyone, this is only a duel. They'll be fine, but you can't just let people laugh at you like this."

"I know, but it just... doesn't feel right."

"But you must-"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," said Kalina. She went back to the house and up to her room. Then she lay down on the bed, thinking.

Soon I'm going to have to stand up for myself and prove those jerks wrong, she thought. But... I can't do it. I can't hurt humans, even animals. Things with thoughts, feelings, dreams... I'm not a warrior.


Chapter 9

Kalina and Kaia awoke at the same time. Boraku was still unconscious, but he was breathing normally and the swelling in his head had already gone down.

Kalina got up and opened a pack, sighing. Her dreams troubled her. Though she could defend herself against those creatures, those things, what if a person really intended to harm her? Would she be able to defend herself?

"Good morning," said Kaia sleepily. She walked over to her pack and pulled out the same dried fruits and salted meat that they had been eating this whole time. It didn't taste very good, but it still filled her stomach nicely.

"Good morning," Kalina said distractedly after a second.

They ate in silence, both consumed in they're own thoughts. Then Kaia stood up.

"I'm going to try to make a shield again," she said firmly.

"Kaia, no! You'll be exhausted; you can't waste your energy."

"No. I have to try. As I said last night, I have to try to become in touch with all the elements at once."

"But you don't want to use all your energy! We need it today."

"I'll be fine, just once."

Kaia closed her eyes and reached out with her mind. She found it easier than the first time to touch an element with her mind, then find another and stay in touch with the first one. She could feel the fire, the lightning, the water, the rock, the flora, the wind; she could sense them all. She slowly tried to weave them together, carefully intertwining them into a tiny square of shimmering blue. She squinted harder, gritting her teeth. It was about a square inch in size when it flickered and wavered, then disappeared.

"I don't understand!" yelled Kaia in frustration. "How am I supposed to be the Chosen One if I can't even create a Shield?"

"Its okay, Kaia. You just need more practice," said Kalina confidently, patting her on the shoulder. Kalina suddenly had to catch her as she fell back, exhausted.

"I told you you'd wear yourself out," said Kalina, but not unkindly.

"I'm sorry..." she said sleepily, staring straight ahead.

"It's okay," said Kalina, sitting her down. "We'll have to wait for Boraku to wake up anyways."

About twenty minutes later, he did.

"Whoa... what happened?" he said dazedly, holding his head.

"You... um... fell. But you managed to save yourself by catching yourself with a rock. Fortunately you just hit your head, and the swelling is already going down. You may be a bit sore though," she said matter-of-factly. She obviously thought of herself as a doctor.

"Can you walk?" asked Kaia.

"Um, I think so," he said, standing up. "Ow! You're right, I'm a little sore. But I can walk."

"Good," said Kaia as Kalina walked to his backpack and took out some food. She handed it to him and he ate quickly.

"We'd better go now," he said as soon as he finished. The attack yesterday had him on edge.

They collapsed the dome and Kaia summoned her Shield again, still a little stung by her failure. They began to walk in silence, and this time it didn't bother anyone.

Kalina was absorbed in thoughts of her past, worries of the present, and hopes for her future. She was remembering the humanoid monster they had fought before. If one of those attacked again, would she suddenly feel the same sympathy? No, she thought. She wouldn't feel sympathy for anything so heartless. It was a monster, she told herself many times over. It had no feelings, no thoughts, no regrets.

Kaia was still doubtful of her skills in magic. They had been able to defend themselves twice, but what if they couldn't the next time? Would she be the one to fail them all? People were depending on her, despite what Kalina had said, and humanity was dying out. She needed to restore the Shield, and she needed the power to do so. Perhaps someone in Lozar could help her, she thought.

Boraku was calm. He was thinking of what to do in case another creature attacked, but still something haunted him. He had gotten lucky. He would have been killed, possibly eaten by the spider if he had been there any longer. Kaia and Kalina wouldn't have been able to protect him if the creature had noticed him. He made a promise to himself that it wouldn't happen again. He would be ready.

They walked for hours. Kalina was tired simply because she didn't sleep well, Boraku was sore from his fall, and Kaia was still tired from her attempt at creating a Shield.

Boraku saw something in the distance.

"What is that?" he said, pointing. Kaia and Kalina stopped walking and followed his gaze and saw a broad, orange line in the distance. Beyond that was a small, shining blue
light.

"I'm not sure..." said Kalina.

"The light!" yelled Kaia. "That must be another piece of the Shield. That must be Lozar!"

"Finally!" yelled Kalina.

Boraku was still suspicious. "Well what's that orange line, then?"

"Hmm..." said Kalina. "Well, I'm sure we'll find out if we keep walking."

She and Kaia set off again towards the blue light, followed hesitantly by Boraku. As they neared the orange line, it became more focused and clear.

"I know what it is," said Boraku eventually. "It's a river."

The two girls looked closer and sure enough, it was a giant river of slow-flowing
lava, sluggishly creeping along where a real river may have once been. It was at least a quarter mile wide, and it was impossible to tell how deep it was.

An hour later, they stood at its banks, watching it bubble and glow.

"How do we cross it?" Kalina asked eventually, still not averting her gaze.

"I'm not sure," said Kaia.

"It maybe solid enough to walk across... I don't know," said Boraku, also still staring at it. He gingerly stuck out his foot and slowly shifted his weight onto the flowing lava, the Shield forming a thin barrier between his foot and the molted rock. His foot began to sink and he quickly stepped on with the other foot, so as to divide his weight over more surface area. He did not sink.

Kaia and Kalina hesitantly followed him, stepping on with one foot and then quickly following it with the next.

"We just have to walk normally, right?" said Kaia nervously.

"I think so," said Boraku, still looking down. He wondered how deep it was. "But try not to lift your foot for too long."

Kaia set off slowly, looking down at her feet. It was a strange feeling, like walking on top of thick water. The gentle flow was barely noticeable, though they did find themselves moving diagonally.

After about half an hour, they reached the other end. They opened their packs and built another rock dome and cooled the hot sands. They wished they could have cooled the lava, but the flow had stopped them.

They had a quick meal then lay down to sleep.


Chapter 10

It was early in the morning. Boraku opened his eyes to see the ceiling of his room. He crawled out of bed and dressed himself, then went downstairs to get some breakfast. His mother was waiting there, a plate of eggs in her hands. She handed it to him.

"Now eat up," she said. "You have to go to your lessons in half an hour."

"Why must I go to these lessons?" asked Boraku, taking the plate and sitting down.

"You need to learn to use your rock powers, it's important," said his mother, smiling.

"I can teach myself! None of those kids ever treat me with respect, just because you and Dad don't have magic."

"Are they making fun of you for that?" said his mother, concerned.

"Well, don't listen to them, you're a wonderful Rock Mage." She smiled more broadly. "You don't need our help."

"I guess you're right... Still, I don't like those people. They have no respect for their powers. They just use them when they want, as if they are worth nothing. They don't hone their skills or practice, they aren't grateful."

"Now let other people do what they want. It's their concern, not yours."

"It just makes me mad... they try to make fun of me because you don't have magic and because I struggled at first, and they're taking their own powers for granted."

"I know, but you must be tolerant."

"Yeah... I guess. But why won't they let me practice outside of my lessons?"

"They're just afraid you might hurt yourself. You don't know how to use it very well, do you?"

"I know how to use my powers! I know better than anyone else," he stormed off. Everyone was assuming that he couldn't use his powers, but he knew he could. Just because he had struggled at first didn't mean he hadn't gotten better. He just couldn't seem to prove it to anyone. Everyone, even the teachers, thought he would be less capable because of his parents. But they were wrong.

Boraku went back to his room and climbed out the window.

He silently crept through the backyard into the fringes of the forest. He walked deeper into the forest and suddenly his surroundings began to melt away until he was standing in the wasteland outside the Shield.

A humanoid, black creature leapt at Boraku from nowhere. He turned quickly and knocked it into the air with a rock as three more creatures appeared. Boraku lifted a rock from the sands, which for some reason did not burn his feet. He swung the huge stone and knocked all of them down, turning to strike the first one again as it got up. He raised the huge rock and spread his hands, the rock breaking into four equal pieces. He dropped them on all four of the creatures just as they jumped at him again.

There was silence.

"Look at me now!" he yelled at no one in particular. "I have more power than you know!"

*****

They woke early and ate quickly, excited to reach Lozar. They set off as soon as they finished eating, Kaia reforming the Shield. They walked at a brisk pace, happy that they were almost back to civilization but impatient to get there already. The bright blue light loomed up higher and higher. Kaia was sure it was the Shield, another part of it sustained by its inhabitants.

Suddenly she stopped and held her hand to her head.

"Is something wrong, Kaia?" asked Kalina, stopping along with her.

"The energy... I just realized what the headache is. I'm sucking this Shield energy dry, and it's nearly out... we have to hurry!"

She broke into a run, followed by Boraku and Kalina. They rushed towards salvation as Kaia's headache increased. She was putting most of her energy into it and she began to slow down. Everything was blurry and wavering.

She finally collapsed, and her Shield disappeared just as Kalina cooled the sand, making a long, rocky path leading straight to the Shield. Boraku and Kalina lifted Kaia by the shoulders and started moving along the path.

Suddenly there was a sound behind them. Kalina looked back nervously. At least ten creatures were standing behind them, waving various weapons connected to their arms. Somebody wanted them dead.

"Run!" she yelled.

Boraku looked behind him and quickly picked up his pace, running for the Shield, which was almost a quarter mile away. They ran along as fast as they could, Kaia's feet dragging on the ground.

The creatures all leapt forward and ran after the three travelers. Kaia moaned and moved a little but did not wake. Boraku quickly waved his hand behind him and the sand behind them rippled as rocks shifted far below. The creatures fell but quickly got up.

Kalina looked back frantically, the creatures closing in. She thrust her hand out and a huge wave of sand collected on either side of the path and crashed down upon them. After a few seconds, they climbed out of the settling sand, completely unaffected.

Boraku waved his arm again and a ten-foot-tall rock wall rose from the ground in front of the monsters. They jumped in the air and their hands and weapons turned into large, sharp hooks. They rapidly scaled the wall and jumped down, their hook-hands transforming into their previous swords and axes. They charged after them again.

"Just... a little... farther..." said Kalina, panting heavily. The Shield came closer and closer. Twenty yards... the creatures were gaining. Ten yards... the shadowy monsters leapt at their prey. Five yards... the beasts sailed through the air.

And then they were through the Shield.

[Peppy]

hahahahaha

Anyways, this story seems a little bare. I want to know how the wasteland looked before all the lava, sand etc. I was a bit curious.

Anyways, it's good. the character developement good. HEE HEE HEE

yeah pretty good, I enjoyed the first part and this one was OK, a little quick in places and maybe more descriptions needed but a good continuation.

[Pule]

Glad people liked it, the third should have much more action... or at least more interesting things. If everyone thought this was okay then the third one should be best.

[Ravane]

Boraku went back to his room and climbed out the window.
Nobody does that. If he's outside he runs away. They'll find out anyhow. Plus add some more detail there. He wnt to his room, slamming the the door, as he fell to his bed. He thought to himself about what he could do. He quickly got an idea, and prepared to do... whatever.

Try something like that.

[Pule]

yeah i should... but the reason he climbed out his window wasn't to run away. He did it so he could go practice his powers, even though he wasn't supposed to. You should've caught that, I think I made it clear enough. He's not planning to run away at all, he just doesn't want to walk out into the middle of the street and start throwing rocks around.

[Ravane]

Ya whoops. I read that part and felt it was strange, so i told you before reading the rest. But still. Why not go a different path and practice his powers. Instead of going to his house. Escaping when there is nobody there. and practicing his powers.

[Serac]

Well, Pule, this piece was alright. There were only two spelling errors I caught, but now that I've gotten through the entire thing, I can't remember them.

I think that Peppy was right when he said it was a little bare. 'Blunt' might be a good word for it, too. The fight scenes with the shadow monster and the spider seemed kind of clunky. Boraku did this, then Boraku did that. Also, after someone talked at any given point, you had something to tack onto the end (such as the character's name, followed by how they said it [like sarcastically, for example]). It's alright sometimes, but too much can get annoying and slow the story down. I know, I know, I'm a hypocrite, my stuff does that too sometimes.

All three of them having their own short dream sequence was a good idea. Kaia's kind of made me dislike her, but that's just because she rubs me the wrong way. Kalina's was pretty good, it gave her some sort of mental obstacle that we'll now wait to see her overcome. Boraku's was the best one, even though the dialogue in it seemed unnatural and forced. I just can't do the whole 'proper speaking, back in the day polite etiquette' thing. It just doesn't sound good. But the fight scene concluding his dream was the best one in here, even though it was short. The other battles I couldn't see happening in my head, but this one was clear and entertaining. I think when he yells out at the very end, it should be something more like this: -----"Look at me now!" Boraku screamed into the fiery hell that he now found himself in.----- Something like that. By the way, how come he wasn't incinerated, or something? The entire world (almost) has been enveloped by barren nothingness and fire, but he's alright? That being the case, why do they even need Kaia? Apparently they don't need the shield too bad, because at the end of the piece they didn't have one and didn't burst into flames or anything. Then there's the whole sleeping thing, she kept it going in their sleep, or the rock dome was enough of a shelter? Never did say. Just wondering.....

When they crossed the lava river, I was like: 'What? Seriously, he just.....no, not cool.' He stuck his foot onto the lava before a rock? Even just to see if he could set the rock on top of the lava? Then, they all spent half an hour crossing the magma river. That just doesn't sound like a good way to go. That entire paragraph(s) can probably go. The concept is cool, but it just didn't make enough sense (I get that the Shield probably helped them out here, but is this really a necessary thing the reader should have to think about?).

On the whole, not bad. I believe I said I was going to look for Boraku to be a good character, and he may just end up filling into a nice one after all. Still don't know what these guys look like, so I'll just imagine them however I want. Now that they're in Lozar, I'm not really sure what you're going to do. Good luck with playing this one out.

[Pule]

Thank you for the comment Serac. Okay, I'll start from the top.
1. I admit the fight scenes could have gone better. I had alot of creative actions and things happening but i didn't describe it very well.
2. Yes i did do a little too much of describing how and who said each thing. I'll go back and tone that down when i can.
3. Yeah I thought the dream thing was a nice touch
4. Really? i thought the one with Kaia was the best. Oh well, to each his own.
5. I didn't realize i did the whole "too proper" thing with that. I'll go back and look at that soon.
6. The reason Boraku wasn't killed was because it was a dream. His imagination was taking him from his normal life and placing him in a place that his memory recognized as a dangerous place that was home to many monsters. He was then allowed to demonstrate extraordinary skill that he probably didn't have at the time, in an effort to prove something, it was a fantasy, where he was the brave hero that came out alive when the dust cleared.
7. Well he knows the Shield works. he's been walking on extremely hot sands for the past few days. I needed to add at least one more obstacle before they got there. I didn't want it to be 'walk a day, fight a guy, walk some more, fight another guy and then we're there'. That section could probably be revised a bit though.
8. I'm glad you don't have any guesses for the future. It's a very open ended ending to this section, but I have a LOT in store for the future.

Well thanks for the comment, Serac, an extensive review is always appreciated. Everytime I check the "new posts" thing and see Kaia I think "Yes! Another post!" and then when I look closer I think "Dang it, its just Ravane again." Glad to have a new review.

[Ravane]

lol. Shut up. that's not nice.
Anyway. As soon as i'm inspired. I'll really read kaia part 1. Havent been so far.
No clue as to why. dang. it gives you less than a minute to configure a message.!!!

lol i submitted a story i made in 4th gradde. making major changes.

the plot is kiddish

btw jirquest did you combine my two posts? Sorry for double posting. I forgot to edit it.

[DarkStar]

A useful tip that I've only started following recently is to avoid the use of the words: 'suddenly' 'And then' 'suddenly that jumped out' 'suddenly, she jumped'. etc. If you can avoid those words, it help alot.

Basically that's all I can say for now. Another thing is, go into detail if need be. Explain how they performed this act, not just '
she pointed her finger and a column of flame shot out.'
It should be more like
'she extended her finger, drawing upon the raging energies inside of her, and summoned a large column of flame out.'

Hope this helps. Keep up the work, and don't give up. Carry on writing.
Writing is 30% inspiration and 70% stamina.

Nice. I've just skimmed it because I haven't had time to read it yet, but I think it's awesome simply because the main character shares my name and it's spelled the same way. I think that's so awesome, because you really wouldn't think it would be that common of a name. I plan on reading this sometime, though!

Nice job! I enjoy your story line and am looking forward to reading what happens next, even though that seems a bit unlikely, as this part was posted in 2006 and it's now 2008. Oh, well...I'll still review.

In Ch. 7, You say that Kaia "had to charge it with her own strength as well, and this was not easy." Then, five paragraphs later, you say that "upholding the Shield wasn't actually that hard; she could ease the intensity of her concentration." That just seemed odd to me. Maybe you could say that "she had to charge it with her own strength as well, and it deeply concerned her because she wasn't positive that she could sustain it long enough." Or something like that. Just a suggestion.

Minor: In Kaia's dream, I don't know if it's a typo or not, but Kaia says, "I don't like being patient, its too much waiting." That particular usage of "its" is a contraction, so you need the apostrophe.

Also minor: Again in Kaia's dream, she says "Alright." That's generally okay in slang, but with writing, it's generally more acceptable to use "all right." Yeah, we learned this last year in language when I found I shouldn't be spelling it "alright." We looked it up in the dictionary.

The screeching spider in Ch. 8 also seems a bit strange to me. I don't usually think of spiders as screeching. You could maybe say, "Kaia's eyes grew wide as the creature advanced, its pincers clicking loudly."

Minor typos: In the battle with the spider, there is an instance where "piece" is spelled "peice." Also, soon after the battle when Kalina is trying to convince Kaia that she shouldn't be worried about controlling two elements at once, you typed "wait" for "weight". In the beginning of Ch. 9, you have the sentence "They ate in silence, both consumed in they're own thoughts." Again, just a common mix up, this time with "they're" and "their".

You say that Kalina thinks of herself as a doctor, but the statement she makes regarding Boraku doesn't strike me as particularly doctor-like. Perhaps have her go into a bit more detail, saying he doesn't appear to have any internal damage or something like that. I don't know.

Minor: At the end of Ch. 9, there are a lot of sentences starting with "They". See if you can switch it up a bit by rearranging the structure of the sentence. It just makes it flow better.

Minor: In Boraku's dream, you write "'Are they making fun of you for that?' said his mother, concerned." To me, it just sounds better to use "asked", because the only thing she says is a question. Also, Boraku says, "They don't hone their skills or practice, they aren't grateful." You probably want to use a semicolon or hyphen after practice, as "they aren't grateful." is a complete sentence. And I can't remember where it was in the story, but just remember that you need commas before conjunctions such as "but".

But again, these are minor things. I really hope you continue with this!

[creativeminds]

Originally Posted by Pule

Kaia opened her eyes. In front of her lay a hellish landscape of burning sands, molten lava, and black-red clouds shrouding the sky above.

I really like the imagary here. creates a intense picture of a rocky, bare, black and red landscape. All that had been once beautiful now a ravished, rugged landscape that holds no beauty.

Originally Posted by Pule

Boraku, the rock mage accompanying Kaia on her journey, winced as he stepped from the protection of the Shield. Kaia's Shield protected them, but the altered landscape left little rock, and most of it was buried deep down or molten. He felt like his power had been drained from him. But still, the rock was there; if he needed it he could summon it.

I was a bit confused here, isn't molten, still rock when in a hardened form?

Originally Posted by Pule

Boraku jumped out of the way and launched a rock at the creature. It turned and deflected it with an arcing kick.

isn't the word arching ? never mind your right, i looked it up!

"What? That's not your fault! You were trying to sustain the wait of both of us with just wind,

I think you mean weight, not wait.


Anyways fairly good read. I don't really have time right now to finish commenting on the rest. enjoy to the next part * and hopefully I will have time to comment on the rest )