[little.gypsy]

Synopsis: A very short story about a girl fighting against a demon called Suicide.


Elle stared at the rushing water. Thunder clashed, lightning lit the sky in fluorescent colors. Tears leaked from her eyes and burned hot rivers down her cheeks.

'Just end the pain,' she kept thinking, 'just end it.'

The cliff jutted out of the foaming water, thrusting Elle into darkness. The grass and trees whispered to her. The rain drilled into her skin, soaking her inside and out.

She sunk to her knees, her head in her hands.

"Please," she sobbed, "there has to be another way."

The demon roared inside her, "No! This is the only way out. You must jump! You must, you must!"

It repeated its mantra over and over. Her head swirled with chaos, her world tilted, she landed on the ground none too gently. She was pressed on her side, the weight of the inner demon threatening to crush her.

"Make it stop!" she screamed with a cracked, hoarse voice.

"I will, I will. But you have to jump," it cooed soothingly.

The demon resumed its chanting.

Elle's breathing became heavy and shuddered, her vision blurred and shifted. The demon was fighting her. It was pushing her to stand, taking over not only her soul, but body as well.

"No!" she wanted to shout, but her mouth and voice were not hers anymore.

The demon forced her to stand on unsteady legs. She wobbled and jerked, but the monster succeeded.
Elle fought for control of her arms. She grabbed hold of a soggy bush. The thorns cut into her palms. The demon ripped her away with her own legs.

In too short amount of time she was standing on the edge of the ledge. The water cried for her, wept for her. The foam slapped the cliff.

Elle's tears dropped into the ocean. For a split second she felt that letting go would be okay, that it would be easier. That at least she would die peacefully, but her mind was soon changed.

"Elle!" a voice yelled from somewhere far away.

The demon flung her arms in the air and opened her mouth to taste the wind and the rain. It grinned wickedly, put her foot forward into nothing.

She was grabbed from behind and thrown on the ground roughly. The demon reached to fight with her nails, but the young man on top of Elle was stronger.

He pinned her arms to the cushy grass and stared hard at her.

Inside Elle screamed for her best friend, her rescuer.

"Gabe, help!"

To Elle's surprise her words came out, slurred, but clear enough for Gabe to understand.

"I'm here, Elle. You have to fight. Don't give up. I'm here, babe. I'm here," Gabe's eyes held hers steadily.

The struggling girl concentrated on Gabe. She studied his sparkling grey eyes, the way his blonde hair flopped over into them, and the sharp planes of his face. She thought of his constant energy, his quick wit, and the time he first told her she was beautiful.

"Gabe," she mumbled.

The demon slashed and twisted. It beat Elle's head into the dirt, rolled her eyes back in her head, bit her lip until it bled, but still it could not break Gabe's hold or Elle's concentration.

Soon the demon's will began to wear down, and as Elle sensed it she gathered confidence and strength.

"I will not be overcome!" she said matter-of-factly, "I will not! I will not!"

"That's my girl," Gabe grinned triumphantly.

Her head throbbed, her eyesight blurred, her heart pounded, her lips stung, and then she felt and heard it. It was the tearing of the demon from her body, soul, and mind.

The demon screamed one last defiant curse and was ripped away from the howling girl. Thunder covered up the two piercing noises until all drowned together into an unrecognizable overwhelming mess. Gabe fought to cover his ears and risk letting go of Elle before she was completely free.

Elle's eyes opened. They were clear and lucid. Her chest heaved against Gabe, who released her quickly.

She rolled onto her hands and knees and vomited on the wet grass. When it was over she lay on her back and closed her eyes, exhausted.

Gabe collapsed next to her.

"I thought I was too late," he whispered in her ear.

She sat up with a little trouble and threw her arms around her friend.

"Thank you," she stroked Gabe's feathery wings through his t-shirt, "You really are my angel."

That was enjoyable to read, I must admit. I've seen so many stories about demons and the like, but there was something refreshing about this, you tackled it a little differently. I take it there's some hidden meaning here, and the demon/angel thing could be a metaphor for the rather delicate issue of suicide. Either way, I thought it was well executed, and I liked some of your descriptions.

Pulled me in from the opening couple of paragraphs (wasn't planning to read it all), and I couldn't help read the rest, just to see how she would turn out. I like the way you revealed the fact that Gabe was an angel at the very end, that was well thought out.

It was possibly a little rushed towards the end there, when the demon was leaving her, but for a short story this works really well.

Hope to see more from you. good job.

[Storiesmaniac]

i agree i only planned on reading the first couple of lines...but got hooked well done well done indeed...i also agree that the ending seemed rushed...a little fixing up and this story could be greatastic...but in saying that it is already wonderful, good work.

[Peppy]

It does seem rushed. BOOM. the story hits, and doesn't explain much about the angel and demon. They're just there--but I don't mind it that much.

[little.gypsy]

Unregistered:

Please don't harass me.

To everyone with BOOM comments: Now that I look over it, it does seem a bit sudden. I went back into my original document and added some detail about the transformation from Elle/Demon to just Elle. Thanks everyone!

[Ravane]

good job. However, I agree with everyone else, it is a bit rushed. (Don't worry. We all rush it a bit sometimes. Just take a look at my stories.) hehe.

[Wordsmyth]

I disagree. I like this story the way it is. It's obviously not meant to be long and drwn out, just a quick shot. This is one scene, if you wanted to go back and include this as part of a larger story it could be done, but I enjoyed this scene as it is. THe demon struggled with the girl but knew it was no match for the angel. It just worked for me. Good job.

hey that was awsome and i never knew you had it in you and it was a little rushed at the end when the demon came out of elle but i liked the finish when elle hugged gabe and felt his wings that was my favorite part but i hope to see more work from ya! see ya at school jordan

[Nil99]

This story hooked me from the very start. It was intense right from the very first sentence.
I liked it a lot. The ending may have been slightly sudden, but if you drag out the defeat of the deamon it doesnt have that same "bang! release of energy" feeling at the end.
Ok i know that doesnt make very good sence but what im tryin to say is, its fine the way it is, i liked it very much.

[Eskalus]

I really enjoyed it. I thought, towards the beginning, it wouldn't REALLY be a demon but like, a mental sort of thing and so she'd fight the temptation to commit suicide and I thought that'd be a brilliant story idea but the how you ended it was impressive too. I personally would've added a brief word or two of Gabe and something about their past. I know only that their was a demon attempting to kill Elle and Gabe saved her life. For all I know this demon could've been passed on from generation to generation since the beginning of time and Gabe is her brother. Those being some random ideas of course, but I like details and there aren't many given. I don't want this whole reply to be negative with such an inspiring story. You have brilliant writing talents and it's something I'm jealous of, keep it up! =)

[Bluejay]

This was very good. It drew me in right away and carried me along to the very end. I really wanted to know what happened.

One question: did the slurred speech and eventual vomiting imply alcohol was at work? I could have seen that being the demon, driving her on to suicide.

I enjoyed this!

[little.gypsy]

Originally Posted by jnabonne

...One question: did the slurred speech and eventual vomiting imply alcohol was at work? I could have seen that being the demon, driving her on to suicide....

That wasn't the intent, but it's a good idea. This has been interpreted a dozen different ways. I like them all!

...I personally would've added a brief word or two of Gabe and something about their past....

You know, I thought about it. But I decided to keep the focus of the story on the present, the right now. If I had added a bunch of backstory I think it would have brought down any suspense I was hoping to build up.

Thanks guys

[tommy goround]

FIRST READ; NOTES IN CAPS

TAG: i LIKED THE TAG


Elle stared at the rushing water. Thunder clashed, lightning lit the sky in fluorescent colors. Tears leaked from her eyes and burned hot rivers down her cheeks.GOOD

'Just end the pain,' she kept thinking, 'just end it.'

The cliff jutted out of the foaming water, thrusting Elle into darkness. The grass and trees whispered to her. The rain drilled into her skin, soaking her inside and out.

She sunk to her knees, her head in her hands.

"Please," she sobbed, "CAPITALthere has to be another way."

The demon roared inside her, "No! This is the only way out. You must jump! You must, you must!" OUCH. DEMON CLICHE

It repeated its mantra over and over. Her head swirled with chaos, her world tilted, she landed on the ground none too gently. She was pressed on her side, the weight of the inner demon threatening to crush her.
DOUBLE USE OF DEMON

"Make it stop!" she screamed with a cracked, hoarse voice.

"I will, I will. But you have to jump," it cooed soothingly.

The demon resumed its chanting.
WHY NOT JUST CHANGE "DEMON" TO "CHANTING"? THIS WOULD MAKE IT SURREAL AND SYMBOLIC AT THE SAME TIME. DEMONS ARE TOUGH TO MAKE FRESH AND INVITING (BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN DONE A THOUSAND TIMES BY THE MASTERS)

Elle's breathing became heavy and shuddered, her vision blurred and shifted. The demon was fighting her. It was pushing her to stand, taking over not only her soul, but body as well.

"No!" she wanted to shout, but her mouth and voice were not hers anymore.

The demon forced her to stand on unsteady legs. She wobbled and jerked, but the monster succeeded.
Elle fought for control of her arms. She grabbed hold of a soggy bush. The thorns cut into her palms. The demon ripped her away with her own legs.
SEE... YOU HAVE GREAT DESCRIPTION AND CLARITY... BUT HE SUBJECT MATTER IS TRITE. WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HECK THEY ARE WRESTLING OVER. YOU HAVEN'T STUCK IN THE 'POINT' OF THE STORY YET.

In too short amount of time she was standing on the edge of the ledge. The water cried for her, wept for her. The foam slapped the cliff.

Elle's tears dropped into the ocean. For a split second she felt that letting go would be okay, that it would be easier. That at least she would die peacefully, but her mind was soon changed.

"Elle!" a voice yelled from somewhere far away.

The demon flung her arms in the air and opened her mouth to taste the wind and the rain. It grinned wickedly, put her foot forward into nothing.

She was grabbed from behind and thrown on the ground roughly. The demon reached to fight with her nails, but the young man on top of Elle was stronger.
OH MY... THIS IS GETTING TEDIOUS. YOU NEED TO GIVE REASON FOR THE DEMON... OR GO SURREAL. IF YOU CAPTURE THE INTERESTING BY BEING ODD... YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH ALL THIS SCENE, AS IS.

He pinned her arms to the cushy grass and stared hard at her.

Inside Elle screamed for her best friend, her rescuer.

"Gabe, help!"
GOOD CHOICE ON NAMES

To Elle's surprise her words came out, slurred, but clear enough for Gabe to understand.

"I'm here, Elle. You have to fight. Don't give up. I'm here, babe. I'm here," Gabe's eyes held hers steadily.

The struggling girl concentrated on Gabe. She studied his sparkling grey eyes, the way his blonde hair flopped over into them, and the sharp planes of his face. She thought of his constant energy, his quick wit, and the time he first told her she was beautiful.

"Gabe," she mumbled.

The demon slashed and twisted. It beat Elle's head into the dirt, rolled her eyes back in her head, bit her lip until it bled, but still it could not break Gabe's hold or Elle's concentration.

Soon the demon's will began to wear down, and as Elle sensed it she gathered confidence and strength.

"I will not be overcome!" she said matter-of-factly, "I will not! I will not!"

"That's my girl," Gabe grinned triumphantly.

Her head throbbed, her eyesight blurred, her heart pounded, her lips stung, and then she felt and heard it. It was the tearing of the demon from her body, soul, and mind.

The demon screamed one last defiant curse and was ripped away from the howling girl. Thunder covered up the two piercing noises until all drowned together into an unrecognizable overwhelming mess. Gabe fought to cover his ears and risk letting go of Elle before she was completely free.

Elle's eyes opened. They were clear and lucid. Her chest heaved against Gabe, who released her quickly.

She rolled onto her hands and knees and vomited on the wet grass. When it was over she lay on her back and closed her eyes, exhausted.

Gabe collapsed next to her.

"I thought I was too late," he whispered in her ear.

She sat up with a little trouble and threw her arms around her friend.

"Thank you," she stroked Gabe's feathery wings through his t-shirt, "You really are my angel." YUCK. COMPLETE CLICHE.


~~~~~ DEAR WRITER...
You write very well but need to work on the story. Hook us a little bit better. Make these good characters do important things for good reasons -- not UNIMPORTANT things for IMAGINARY OR UNKNOWN reasons. This is the definition and diference between drama and melo drama. I don't think you are going for satire or humor... so you MUST have better reasons for all this. Identify the backstory. You can write as good as sydney shelton or anyone else if you just take the steps to induce your reader.

Many thanks.

[Coolness]

Love how it ended up. I like the idea that a friend could also be an angel. Very good story.

[JirQUEST]

there's one portion of your critique i disagree with, tommy. dialogue can essentially be formatted like this:

"So... what are you doing?" he asked. "Okay, I came here for a reason."
"This," he said, "is not what I am looking for."

the way I've always understood it is as Jir said. and in your comment, if you could just put something like '***' where you haven't commented on part of the story, cause I don't think having the story twice makes sense, just include the bits you have something to say about.

THis was a very good story, it really showed that there are angels among us trying to help us throgh the hard times that we have. It really got to me, good job

[Raven57]

I want more of this story...
It seems as if Gabe is in love with her
I really would have liked to have known how he
found her and why he's on earth.

[NLuv]

the begining was really intense to me
good work
though i would have liked to have read more about the setting around the end
throughout the entire begining it seemed to help bring about a scary and suspensful feeling....could you use it to intensify the feelings towards the end? or the feelings leading to the resolution?
great story i liked reading it

awesome, you got awesome writing talents!

[Uga Stormchan]

Whaaa!! That was great. Short but sweet with interesting characters.

I think this would be good as a longer story too. With this part somewhere in the middle or near the end somewhere. And telling how Elle and Gabe first meet and such. Very good job.

P.S. Gabe-Gaberial (The guardian angel.) Nice how you did that. When you first metioned him I didn't expect that. GJ

[little.gypsy]

Thanks for you comments guys.

I'm working on a backstory. How they meet, their relationship, etc. I'll post it when I get far enough in!

Gypsy