[LullabyHearts]

Author's Note: Hey I'm currently working on this piece as my Short Story piece for my Creative Writing class. I really adore this piece and its one of my favorites and there is tons more I would like to do with it. So I'm in the editting process. Please voice your opinions.

Synopsis: The beauty of the moon.


A glowing golden sphere settled above the darkened mountains, lingering for a moment before lightly vanishing. It fluctuated the day’s appearance¾recreating the sky into a night’s disguise. The clouds painted the heavens with luminous reds, deep pinks, and gorgeous oranges.

A young maiden stumbled out of a small shed that was missing a door. She stretched out her pale arms, her head tilted back, a crisp breeze swept across her exposed skin. The tickle of the wind brushed her silver, tattered dress across her thighs. A soft groan of delight crackled from her throat as her fluorescent blue eyes flashed open¾awakening the night. She let her arms fall to her sides, sighing at the sight of darkness; once again too late to see the beauty of day. The only light noticeable came from the nearby town at the bottom of a hill: where children were staying up too late, teenagers were tucked in another’s bed, and adults were still in the office away from the family. The moon princess saw all in her night of wake. The night air flipped her silvery blonde hair across her neck landing elegantly on her exposed shoulder. The feisty wind twirled about the girl, closing her eyes she sniffed the scent of the new season in the midst of the wind. She was ready for her nocturnal evening.

Every night she traveled down to the town of Peace Valley where she ventured to the first home at the bottom of the hill. It was her favorite home to visit during her dark journey, the beauty of it made her feel at ease. The white picket fence in the yard was ever so perfect, and every night it attracted the moon princess. Along with the delicately pale blossoms of a cherry tree that spilled across the fence in soft waves, inviting her inside.

She made her way into the yard toward the back where a tree and a swing awaited her. Her hands clasped around the braided ropes, easing herself down, thrusting her feet off the ground. Swinging back and forth on the giant swing attached to the thickest branch of the pink blossomed tree inside the yard. White blossoms of the cherry trees were stunning, matching the moon’s rays, but the pink ones reflected the color of the moon’s heart. A certain boy, man, human once warmed her heart with a simple touch, but now the thought of it struck a bolt of chills down her spine. Time was beginning to turn her heart cold again.

The princess stared up at her night sky, full of stars, and wondered if the curse would ever be broken, was there a way to voice her deepest apologies without going against her heart? She smiled as she picked out the constellations that have the best told stories of love. Her favorite was the one of Andromeda¾the chained woman. The lovely daughter of the vain Queen Cassiopeia and King Cepheus of Philistia. The queen had chained Andromeda to a rock as a sacrifice to the sea Monster, Cetus. Perseus saved her from the Cetus, and Andromeda became the wife of her hero, and the mother of Perses who founded the kingdom of Persia.

A burst of wind blew at her hair tangling about her shoulders. Time to move on, the wind had spoken. Swiftly, she jolted from the swing, gliding diagonally across the dry grass. As she was passing through the gate a gaggle of girl’s giggles erupted from down the street. She feared of being caught by the human eye as she disappeared to another house where a wishing well sat in the front yard.

Crouching behind the wishing well, she stared at the girls. Each giggle faded away as the minutes ticked by; a tear trickled down her cheek. At one point in her life she used to be able to laugh, live a carefree life. Her acute hearing picked up on a light plop and then her eyes meet a damp spot on the other side of the street. Plop, another spot appeared next to her bare toes. Plop, plop; two more wet dots. She wiped away at her cheeks, where four streams had fallen. When she cried, the sky cried.

Every move she made, every emotion she created, reappeared throughout the night. Her life and heart was not a secret to the world. Her pain was open for the whole city. Because back when her skin was warm she was under the oath by state law: to love and to cherish until death do her part. She broke that promise and this was her punishment.

A fresh green leaf caught the moon princess’ eye; extending her arm she picked up nature’s gift, smelling the waxy thin leaflet. Her other hand terrifyingly grasped onto the leaf¾ripping it in half. She caused the rip in the leaf just as she caused the curse; she knew what she was doing was wrong but she still continued. Just as she knew ripping nature’s gift was wrong, she still shredded the green leaf. Her heart was selfish but she never loved that ruthless man. Arranged by parents only set out to abide social engagements, they never cared for her happiness. Her young poet cherished the way she was meant to be cherished. Alas careless, selfish, impatient¾they were caught.
The family’s elders, the men who controlled the moon princess’ small knit township, were disappointed by their behaviors. They knew the two immature souls couldn’t be left unpunished so they separated them from each other. To live, to anguish, to be live alone¾the ultimate, heartless punishment. With ancient powers combined the almighty elders forced the two into immortality as ancient symbols of night and day.

He the sun, she the moon; to always chasing after one another. Forever they live under the curse.

The moon princess fell against the wishing well’s dark gray bricks, her knees close to her body. The sky opened up, wringing out buckets of rain equivalent to her rushing tears. If small children and grown adults were to wake from the sound of pitter patter they would see the end result of hours of rain which crowded the streets and sidewalks. The pale goddess lifted her head after hours of crying, she stopped keeping track of time eight years ago. Some nights were worse than other nights. Her skin tingled from the early morning rays it was beginning to dim. The sight of dawn in reach. He was probably groaning, like he used to do when morning came too soon. Then he was probably yawning like a cat stretching bringing out the full rays of sun. This meant that the time for her to go back to her dreadful sleep had come. Once again she would be saying good night to her lover¾never good morning.

She stood up and walking back to her damaged shed, she went to the partially broke window. Her reflection was screaming at her loud and clear: stop crying fool. Placing her hand on the nearby wet window pane she watched the water changes its course, flowing down and around her hand. How easily the rain can changed its course. Why couldn’t she change hers? Oh that’s right, she’s a creature of habit.


Her foot steps were as sad as a little girl dropping her ice cream on the hot pavement on a sunny summer afternoon as she went into her little shack. There was a baby blue blanket laying, wrinkled on the floor. She had found it in the trash one night. No one else apparently needed it and her winter sleep was becoming unbearably colder as each year descended. Since she only represented night she didn’t need much to survive. She didn’t even need food to keep her rejuvenated. Oh but how she missed the sweet taste of chocolate on her tongue, the burning sensations of her father’s barbeque chicken wings, the salty delight of her favorite chips, the sweet and sour flavor of her favorite sugary candy, and the spicy tang of Mexican cuisine.

Her eyes closed in anger; she tried to ignore her urge for food but at times it was difficult. Some nights it would get so bad she’d dig through the trash of wasteful neighbors. As if it mattered, the sticky paper plates’ flavor meant nothing to her dead tongue. The moon princess collapsed to the ground moving around a bit like a dog ready for his nap. Dawn was here and she was out like a lampshade.


A loud chirp awoke her with a disturbing shriek. Her eyes moved in a lazy motion, burning from the light. The light. The light?

She rubbed her eyes, it was time? Finally it was time? She’s been waiting for this for a long time now. Yes, it was time after eighteen years, eleven days, and eight hours. She’s spent so many long nights just thinking when this event would occur again. The time was today.

The day the sun met the night: the Solar Eclipse.

Her body stood up, almost forcibly, as if she was being tugged on by an imaginary string toward the bright ball of gas. Every step she took, her palms sweat¾everything sweat. Every step she took her skin tingled from the radiant rays. Every step she took her heart beat a little faster. Every step she took day turned back to night.

In the distance she could see his shape, the sun’s rays surrounding him. His body was glowing of gorgeous oranges, luminous reds, and astonishing yellows. She wondered what was racing through his mind right then; did he still care for her? Had time healed his heart? Or had his heart turned to a lava stone?

Closer he appeared, a smile crept upon her face. The first smile since last seeing him nearly two decades before. Her cheeks slightly ached from the over use of the weakened muscles. Her hands quickly ran through her long blond-white tangles, she liked to call curls, but they were only windblown. Beauty in the eyes of night was far different than that considered of the days. Reaching back up her face, she slightly pinches her cheeks although it was unnecessary¾the rays of the sun were already burning her cheeks. Dropping down her cheeks, her hands found a necklace. A simple pearl necklace. Her only keepsake after she was forced into this terrible curse. He, the sun, had given it to her after her smile widens at the dirty thoughts running freely in her mind. What tantalizing things the sun could do to a goddess.

Several steps away now, she can see how his half of the curse had bronzed his skin, reflecting so much beauty. She thought back to all the stories she was told as a child of the Greek and Roman Gods. She always dreamed of marrying one. Funny how things work out in life.

Her hand extended forward, reaching for his. Her index finger connected with his palm, and he took one quick step, taking a hold of her wrist, pulling her closer. His free hand wrapped around her lower back and waist. He lets go of her wrist feeling her cool cheeks. Day had turned to night by now. It’s as if only she and he existed on Earth.

Her hands find their way to his scorching bare chest. Her skin burned with intensity of his solar powered skin and her icy body, but it was about to get worse as their faces inched closer.

His hand cups the bottom of her chin, bringing it closer to his lips. Her eyes closed and she felt the heat on her mouth as he feels the chill on his lips. The intensity between them giving a show for all the people watching, the moon now enclosed the sun.

After awhile, after a long beautiful kiss, he dropped his touch from her chin letting it fall to her shoulder, then running a few fingers down her bare arms. The two pulled apart, involuntarily. They looked at each other knowing their time was up. That imaginary string pulled at her back. She took several steps backwards. Her lover’s hand falling from her waist. He stood still, bathing in his cursed light; she was leaving again. Her cooled fingerprints already beginning to fade.

“I love you,” the two mouth in unison¾unable to voice real words.

Before she knew it, her body was back in her hole drifting back to sleep with peaceful thoughts and reminiscing of her time with her true love. She would be satisfied for a little bit longer. Her nights just a little bit happier and with the severe sunburn. Spring love was in the air.

[Peppy]

Ahhhhh, this concept, the sun and the moon, I've read a story quite like this, but different, but yours is a way lot better.

As I was reading partially throughout the story I've noticed you liked to place thoughts together into a singular paragraph. I've had a hard time thinking about what you were trying to say without concentrating on this thought and that thought. The topic sentence does not even go well with it, unless you are trying to say the wind is awaking and refreshing her to the night:

The night air flips a silvery blonde strand of hair around her neck, landing elegantly on her exposed shoulder. She closes her eyes again to smell the new season's air. Ready for her nocturnal evening, she begins down the steep hill, a path of dew leaving an obvious path. Every night she goes to the town of Peace Valley where she travels to the first home at the bottom of the hill. Her favorite home to visit during her dark journey, the beauty of it makes her feel at ease. A white picket fence in the yard-ever so perfect-attracts the moon princess. The delicately pale blossoms of a cherry tree spill across the fence in soft waves, inviting her inside.

I was cnfused, I wasn't sure, at first, if you were talking about the sun but I soon realized you were talking about a different person that is not the son. Hmmmmmm....

She was probably selfish but she never loved him, everything had been arranged by clueless parents. Her lover felt the same, but careless, selfish, impatient they were caught.

Ahhhh, a near perfect paragraph, but I don't think you really need "and the mother of Perseus who founded the kingdom of Persia." in the paragraph. You should read over your stuff and take out what isn't entirely needed next time.

She smiles as she picks out the constellations that have the best told stories of love. Her favorite story was the one of Andromeda; she was the lovely daughter of the vain Queen Cassiopeia and her husband King Cepheus of Philistia. The queen had chained Andromeda to a rock as a sacrifice to the sea monster, Cetus. Perseus saved her from the Cetus, and Andromeda became the wife of her hero, and the mother of Perseus who founded the kingdom of Persia.

I like this type of extra information. Dunno why, it's just awesome. Cools!!!

Her foot steps are sad like a little girl dropping her ice cream on the hot pavement on a sunny summer afternoon. Soon she spots her home, a tiny nest burrowed into the ground with tattered leaves for warmth. There was a baby blue blanket settled, wrinkled in the hole. She'd found it in the trash one night. No one else apparently needed it and her winter sleep was becoming unbearably colder as each year descended. She was only night, she didn't need much. She didn't even need food to keep her rejuvenated. How she missed the sweet taste of chocolate on her dead tongue, the burning sensations of her father's Hot-Hot-Gimme-Some-Water barbeque chicken wings, the salty delight of her favorite chips, and the spicy tang of Mexican cuisine.

you should be careful when you repeat the same things and words over again when they are minor. As for the tenses, it reminded me of scripts and playwrights. Hmmmmm...well, I enjoyed reading this story, you creativity level is exceeding good, I bet the next thing you produce will be better. I'm not sure if I made any sense, just tell me if you're confused.

[LullabyHearts]

The girl represents the sun. And I'm not sure how you are confused with the beginning exactly.

[Merrywinds]

Aaahhh... Beautiful. Reminds me of some almost poetical stuff I read a while ago. You have created an almost magical atmosphere around your small story. And the concept of the sun and the moon is always just as intriguing as it was yesterday and the day before it and so on.... The idea of personalizing is also a nice piece of work. Great job, I'd say.

And just to ruin your bliss: In Finland(where I live) you can see the moon during the day too. And when going to Northern Finland(like I do every summer, to enjoy the experience), you can see the Nightless Night; the sun never sets. Beautiful, although it tends to ruin your daily rhythm...

[DragonLover]

Its good im new so yeah

[LullabyHearts]

Thanks for that, Merrywinds, and yeah here you can see the moon during the day but I wrote this for class and I had very little time to work on it. So there was a lot of things that doesn't make sense. And I wanted this to be set more in the past. I'm glad you liked it!

[floodwarning]

I've always liked fantasy, but it's really easy for it to become corny so you have to be extra careful when writing in this genre.

I think your idea was a good one, its kinda like a new spin on an old fairy tale.

[LullabyHearts]

My idea changed half way through and you can tell. Its needs some work.

Thanks for reading it.

[Seraph]

The story felt like a myth, a legend, and the beginning was beautiful.

First, I must comment on your comment where you commented that "well, my tenses are crap (I have strong problems with them)". Unfortunately, I have to agree that they need more work. There were several points of the story where you switched between the two endlessly. It feels somewhat indecisive.

As for questioning if you should be writing in present tense or past tense, I say pick whichever one is easier or the one that makes the least mistakes. It is also a good idea to factor in tenses to what you want to convey to the reader. From what I felt of your present tense, it made the story feel light and insubstantial, a fairy tale that has no ending because it is still continuing. The past tense gives it more substance but holds the fairy tale feeling more aloof. The present tense hints at the future and is unstable. The past tense holds everything in rigid fact.

The ending was also... give-and-take. On the one hand, you reversed the negative and sad flow of the story into a more positive ending but the ending was lacking in description and was somewhat generic. Another generic ending would be that the moon continues to wait for the curse to be broken so that she can meet the sun. It would work very well with a present tense base I would imagine.

Another thing I must comment on is the beginning part with the town. That section was really fairy tale like and gave the feeling of her wandering through the streets with a smile on her face. The one part that really started to change the mood was when she encountered the girls. From there, the mood and flow changes though it is a bit further before everything changes..

"Why couldn't she change hers? Oh that's right; she's a creature of habit." This line rigidly marks the change of the tone and 'voice' in your story. Suddenly, you're not impartial anymore. From the point of view of a spectator to the point of view of the moon itself, if you will.

To me, it almost seems as if you gave up halfway through the story. It is as if the story changed from myth to life. At first, you're telling the story of the moon and her antics, her behavior. Then suddenly, everything is coming from the moon's point of view. At first, the details were general but well put. Then suddenly, everything grows specific when you describe her trek through the streets one night.

Also, your tenses are all over the place. Literally all over the place. Suddenly, you take up past tense when the story started in present tense. You make up for it by switching back to present tense but then past tense takes hold once again.

On another note: "A loud chirp woke her, with a disturbing shriek," you said near the end. Where did the chirp and the shriek come from? You didn't say...

Finally, the two things I loved the most about this tale was the beginning and this line: "'I love you,' the two mouth at the same time, unable to voice real words." Sweet and being unable to voice real words conveys a sense of sadness.

I have one last question for you. In one of your replies, you said: "The girl represents the sun..."

Did you mean that the girl represents the moon?

Despite the errors in the tenses, the story was great and I enjoyed it. A very creative take on the sun and the moon which some portray as fighting each other for the sky.

[LullabyHearts]

Yeah. I met to change my tenses...but I couldn't decide. And I need to turn it in for my portfolio for school. And Haha. YES! It meant represents the moon. And thanks for reading this. There is so much more I would like to do to this. A lot more myth like. And half way through the story I did change it. The beginning when I was writing was supposed to be a description piece of a mythish girl symbolizing the moon. But then it changed into a love story.

Thank you very, very much for reading my piece.

[JoeConway]

There were some things that I could pick apart, but as a whole I enjoyed the story. You do a great job of setting the mood and portraying how the character feels.

[LullabyHearts]

Oh! That is like the nicest compliment ever, thank you ever so much! That was also a big reason why I wrote this piece to get the reader to understand everythough through description not just dialogues

[SilverWings]

I really thought the beginning was good and all, but I'm not really the romantic type of person and things can get a little too corny especially when writing fantasy stories. Well, that's the problem I have with my writing, anyway.

Enjoyed the read.

[LullabyHearts]

Thank you for reading it.

At one point I would like to smooth out the corny love parts.

[~HorseHeart~]

loved it!!!! it was really awesome but I did get a bit lost at the love story about the constellaitions but I LOVED IT!!!!!!! I can read it over and over again and I'd still love it!!!

[~HorseHeart~]

w00t! i still love it!!!!

[dearest]

Hey Steph, I've finally gotten to reading this on SM! Here goes my second edit:

The tickle of the wind brushes her silver tattered skirt across her thighs. A soft groan of delight crackles from her throat as her fluorescent blue eyes flash open

What the...? Is she having an orgasm or what?

She fears, of being caught by the human eye.

Comma after fears is unneccesary.

Then her other hand takes a hold of the leaf, as well, that's when she rips it in half.

A little awkward. Seperate into two sentences, possibly. (Gah, how did I miss this stuff editing the first time?! ^_^)

She caused the rip in the leaf just as she caused the curse.

A bit of an awkward transition.

He the sun, she the moon; always chasing after one another. Forever they live under the curse.

Good comment here. I adore this!

She stands up and walks to a damaged shed with a partially broke window

Broken

He, the sun, has given it to her after her smile widens at the dirty thoughts running freely in her mind.

I think you might have combined two thoughts here. Seperate them.


All right, that's my belated second edit (and really, tenses weren't that bad, just a little here and there). I really do like this one, and I think it's one of your best. True, it's not my style (romance, ergh) but still like this one. The idea is great, very mythical, fable-ish, like some sort of modern fairy tale. Love it.