[marty2shorty]

Synopsis: A man reconsiders his actions and thinks about how it affects others, especially his friends.


Natural Born Killer - By Martin Vu

"Two... thraay!" Leon goes into a sprint. He's wearing a black coat, with a gray scarf covering

his neck dangling all over the place, and over his short dark hair, he wears a black cap. It's dark,

so Leon is hard to see. It is about 40 degrees out, the sky is nothing but clouds, and Leon is

getting cold.

He makes a turn around an 'abandoned for the winter construction site'. At this pace, if he

trips he would get seriously hurt, there are nails, tools, and wood everywhere. But he didn't trip,

he has incredible dexterity and balance, even with a rifle in his hand. It is obviously weighing him

down, but still he is as quick and quiet as a cat. He is wearing big thick glasses. That's the

only thing that gives him away, the glasses gleam in the street light.

Leon slows his pace as he approaches the back door of a house. Knowing his target is on the

other side of the house, he ducks and peers out slowly. Leon has the target in his sight. His

shadow is wandering around aimlessly. The idiot has his rifle held out unprofessionally, his armpit

is smothering the stock.

The target starts towards Leon. Leon, using his basic instincts makes a mistake. He quickly

withdraws back behind the house, making a lot of noise as rocks scatters.

Ralph suddenly hears rocks sliding, and it quickly registers in his head that his target is right

behind that house. Then Ralph bursts from cover and almost screaming points his gun across the

back of the house. His finger twitches, but doesn't pull the trigger. Ralph switches on the safety,

then pulls the trigger. He sighs and switches off the safety. Ralph deciding that the he's not in

danger, takes a break.

There's no better time to get Ralph then now, his guard is completely down. Where's Leon?

Monica peeks through her blinds after hearing strange noises coming from outside. She sees

a figure standing there with a gun. The person looks like he or she is stretching? Then the figure

gets into a position that looks like he or she is ready to kill, prone, and has the gun pointed

outward (almost professionally). Monica wheels around and quickly runs upstairs.

Leon is feeling like 'Leo'. A name he prefers, he feels cool whenever he was called 'Leo'. "I

can't believe I got away with that." With adrenaline and no where to put it, he accidentally pulls

the trigger.

Luckily his gun isn't very loud and he is far enough away from his target, that his target can't

hear it. The bullet goes straight up. Now Leon (after what happened, he's not feeling like Leo

anymore), is breathing hard. After he kicked those rocks behind the house, he immediately ran

towards the woods and hid behind the biggest oak tree he saw.

Leon checks on the target, who is fiddling with his gun. Leo sighs with a smile and continues

to observe his target.

The target begins to move. Leo waits until the fool glances in the wrong direction before he

moves to a tree even closer.

Ralph decides to move towards the trees, then the deck light of the house turns on. Ralph

now sprinting into the woods is scared silly.

Meanwhile Leo rotates according to the target's position. Other trees hide him from whoever

is looking out from the deck.

"Hey! Who's out there?" There's no answer, Monica pauses. "You better get out before I

call the cops!"

'This crap has to end now!' Leo thinks.

'Crap, this has to end now!' Ralph thinks as he speeds around in circles searching for his

target. He leaves himself out there in the open to get shot. All the running tires Ralph and he

gets dizzy. Frustratingly he starts running down through the trees away from the house.

Leo sees his target run right past him, the target stops about 20 yards away from him.

Leo gets even closer and aims the gun right at the target's head.

But then Leon pauses, he knows this man, Ralph. They're friends. Then why do they keep

trying to kill each other? Leon pulls the gun down from the Ralph's head to the nape of his neck,

the gun continues to lower slowly until the gun is aimed directly at his back, and a little to the left,

where the human heart beats. Memories go through Leon's head. Leon, does not only know

Ralph, he knew Ralph's parents since high school.

Ralph and Leon had been friends since they were ten or eleven. Ralph is one of the only

people that understands Leon, and as Leon, Ralph. They are in fact 'best' friends. "He'll forgive

me." Leon whispers. Leon, out of no where gets struck with emotion, Ralph isn't very fit. 'He's

chubby.' Leon is brawn, swift, and smart. Ralph doesn't stand a chance now. He feels much

sympathy for Ralph.

His finger is ready, just one pull, and it's over.

"I see you! I'm calling the cops!"

"God, where's-" SPLAT! "AH! OW!" Ralph curses loud enough for Monica to hear.

Leon stands up straight.

"How long have you been there?" Ralph asks.

Leon chuckles, "The whole time."

"God, you got me right in the back!" Ralph struggles to clutch his back wound.

"Uh, sorry." Now Leon really feels it. Ralph always suffered, Leon is the one that always

wants to play paint ball, Ralph is in on it because Leon likes it. Ralph never wins.

"Jeez." Ralph continues to writhe.

"It's okay Monica, it's just us."

Monica immediately recognizes Leon's voice. "You guys!" Ralph and Leon can already hear

the calming in her voice. "You've never played at night before."

Ralph let out a good groan. "Leo just got me in the back real good, almost point blank!"

"Leon."

"What?"

"You know, we don't have to play paint ball anymore if you don't want to."

Ralph forces a face he thought suggests he didn't know what his friend 'Leo' was talking

about. "What? Why? I like paint ball, we can still play it."

"No, I know you Ralph." Leon watches as Ralph looks away and then at his feet. "If you don't

want to play paint ball anymore, just tell me. We're friends, you can be honest."

Ralph gets red. "Alright, I hate paint ball. It's been a good experience at first, but then, it got

old. Plus, you always win."

Leon decides to look Ralph in the eyes. "Look, I'm sorry if I was ever inconsiderate. If I ever-"

"Yea, it's okay Leo."

The 2 friends start towards Monica's house. Leon carries Ralph's gun for him.

"Let's see who the real killer is when it comes to Battle Soldier 2."

Leo turns to Ralph. "Killer."

[Nastizzy]

I really like the way you set it up. I was a little confused for some of the story, but it was a really good plot

[Ryankia]

You might want to look at the format of this story, some of the spacings seem to be staggered and out of place.

[ea_blue]

Interesting plot. I like how it switches on you in the end.

I wonder why there are line spaces in the middle of sentences. Perhaps that was a copy and paste error? That should be corrected of course.

There are places where I'd like to see more detail. Like here:

The idiot has his rifle held out unprofessionally.

I'd like to know just what he is doing that makes it unprofessional.

...and here:

He (for some odd reason) is wearing big thick glasses.

I've been dinged for doing this in my own writing countless times. Either tell us what the 'odd reason' is or just tell us. You bring attention away from the story and onto the author, where it should not be, with the '(for some odd reason)' part.

Ralph now sprinting into the woods is scared silly.

Need a comma after 'Ralph' and after 'woods'. The sentence is rough without the commas.

Keeping working at this one. The idea is very cool. I like that the characters grow in so little time. You hid what was really happening (paintball) very well.

Cheers!

ea_blue

[marty2shorty]

Yeah, thanks, I'll definitely fix it up. Thanks for the good comments !

[WorldWarCheese]

I liked how in the end it was pretty obvious Ralph didn't like paintball and stuff and then you looked back and saw how he made "unprofessional" actions probably because he didn't like it anymore.

Oh and

behind the biggest oak tree he aw.

Just a typo 's all.

[Reik Mohican]

Good story, I was sad that I glanced at the comments first as it kind of gave it away =/
I would've been fine if it had ended where you reveal that they're playing paintball, and not gotten into the whole friendship thing, it felt like you tagged it on for the hell of it to me.

[WorldWarCheese]

Originally Posted by Reik Mohican

Good story, I was sad that I glanced at the comments first as it kind of gave it away =/
I would've been fine if it had ended where you reveal that they're playing paintball, and not gotten into the whole friendship thing, it felt like you tagged it on for the hell of it to me.

I think I like it with the ending it has but I it did seem a little too drawn out. If there was a way to show how one didn't really like playing shorter without loosing the idea I think it'd be a LOT cleaner read. I just like how one friend is CLEARLY not in it during the game and you find out he doesn't like playing later.

[marty2shorty]

well I edited it
but it's been so long and I had two copies of it so I just copied and pasted
but this is the version I think I turned in for my school's literary magazine so there's probably less mistakes, and it looks better (but no indenting)

[in_absentia]

For the most part, I enjoyed the plot turn around. I do, however, wish that it was hinted at a little bit because, when a story ends with a twist, I always enjoy re-reading it and trying to spot the hints that I missed the first time (think Fight Club [or at least the movie])

Aside from that, I agree with WWC in that it was slightly too long and I think that the opening paragraph could be refined. It initially drew me in, but i feel like you used "Leon" too often when you could have used "he" or something along those lines.

[marty2shorty]

That's true, I'll modify it some more!
After that, I hope I can resubmit the story to the school magazine.

[tamaulipas19602]

I like color and texture in stories. What are the sounds, smells, light/shadows, etc. Just a little sets the mood, for me. I truly enjoyed your characters and the ending was fun. In prose, any device you use that increases the drama of the work is OK. I believe that the rules of sentence structure only apply in school for grades. I would edit some of the compound sentences down to chops and blurbs. This may increase the readers understanding of the anxiety of the situation. Nice work.

[marty2shorty]

Thank you.
This story is gonna grow so much after I'm through with it!

[Peppy]

A simple hide-and-seek game story. It wasn’t wholly developed, but it’s well written. The format was interesting, it somehow made it seem short and okay.

The thing I liked most about this story was the “killer” in the story, though I would dub him more as a psycho-soldier. Maybe there’s no difference? Anyway, I think that Ralph acts like a mask of sanity for Leon, basically smothering his killer instincts. Or was is a complete accident that it worked out like that? I don’t know why I like killer stories, maybe I’m just fascinated, but who cares what I like ?

There are a lot of missing commas, but it’s understandable if you’re just beginning to write a story. One of these days you’ll be able to sound out where it belongs - as if it were a period.

Good story, Marty. It need some fixing up and development though.

Knowing his target is on the other side of the house, he ducks and peers out slowly.

From where?

Then Ralph bursts from (his) cover and(,) almost screaming(,) points his gun across the back of the house.

Ralph(,) deciding that the he's not in danger, takes a break.

Ralph(,) now sprinting into the woods(,) is scared silly.

"It's okay(,) Monica, it's just us."

I’m not sure why you are using these type of “quotation” marks, since you are American. European usually use these:

'This crap has to end now!' Leo thinks.

You kind of lose who’s talking here:

Ralph let out a good groan. "Leo just got me in the back real good, almost point blank!"

"Leon."

"What?"

"You know, we don't have to play paint ball anymore if you don't want to."

Ralph forces a face he thought suggests he didn't know what his friend 'Leo' was talking

about.

[crackdaddy]

Knowing his target is

Leon has the target in his sight

The target starts

his target is right behind

Leon checks on the target,

continues to observe his target.

The target begins to move

searching for his target.

according to the target's position

Leo sees his target run right past him, the target stops about 20 yards away from him. Leo gets even closer and aims the gun right at the target's head.

Just had to wonder, was there a specific reason "target" was used so much? theres plenty of other words you could have used. It started getting to me after awhile

but, on another note, I LOVE PAINTBALL!
that's probably why I liked this story so much.
Good work

[marty2shorty]

Originally Posted by Peppy

You kind of lose who’s talking here:

Ralph let out a good groan. "Leo just got me in the back real good, almost point blank!"

"Leon."

"What?"

"You know, we don't have to play paint ball anymore if you don't want to."

Ralph forces a face he thought suggests he didn't know what his friend 'Leo' was talking

about.

Okay, Ralph calls Leon, 'Leo.' But Leo felt bad so he utters to Ralph to call him Leon instead, but then decides not to take it any further when Ralph says, 'what?'

He feels cool when he's called Leo. But right then at that time he felt like Leon.