[LullabyHearts]

Synopsis: About a guy who takes protesting too far.

Author's Note: I got 100% on this for my creative writing. I'm really shocked, I wrote this maybe in 30 minutes. Because I forgot about it, and I was stressed with other stuff. I probably won't continue anything else with this. I just, meh. I like the idea, maybe in the long run I'll work with it, but right now no. So comments would be great. Inspire me to work on it. I know the ending is crap. And this is a dialogue piece. Which I do like, last year I wrote a creative writing piece The Night's Moon, paying attention to description. This year is dialogue. Kind of cool. I think I did great with telling a story through dialogue and characterization. Okay, I'll end this freakishly long author's note. [/b]

An overweight man in a tan officer suit shoves a young man, with dark, scruffy hair, into a cell, with another man, “Don’t lemme hear your complaining, boy.” The man slams the cell door shut. He mutters to himself as he walks away, “Yuppie college boys, think they all smart, because they have a education,” he draws out the last word, mockingly.

The young man grabs onto the bars, “let me out of here! I have rights, you pig. Its called freedom of expression. Let me the hell out of here.”

The officer reappears, “I highly suggest, Victor, you keep your mouth shut!”

“-Did I mention I have midterms to study for! I am a college student, you better let me out-”

Or what? The sour face sneered, "let me guess, do I know who your father is by any chance, would that be it?"


Victor remains silent.

“So, Victor, who has the luxury to father such a well-behaved man?”

Victor glares, realizing how juvenile he is being at that moment. He remains silent, despite how much he just wants to argue. He knows enough about situations right now, to know that now is the time to shut up.

“That’s what I thought. Don’t make me come back here, you hear me?”

“Yes-Robert,” Victor spats, the disrespect thick in the air.



“Whatcha in for?”

“None of your business.”

“That’s real mature of you.”

Victor glares at the middle aged, toothless man. “What do you want?”

“Simply making friendly conversation.”

“Well, I don’t feel like talking.”

“You felt like talking to the guard.”

“That was then, this is now.”

“That’s deep man, real deep. You a college boy or something?”

“I won’t be if they don’t let me out of here now!” he raises the end pitch of his sentence.

“You do realize they can hold you for twenty-four hours without reasoning here.”

“What?!”

“So you might as well make yourself comfortable, boy. Wait, Victor did he say? Victor. Victor what?”

“Bell. I’m Victor Bell.”

“That name sound real familiar. Something political, eh?”

“You could say that,” Victor shrugs, taking a seat on the opposite end of the bench, facing the cell wall.

“The name is Chet,” he starts as he moves over to the bed, making himself comfortable. “Might as well make yourself comfortable. And spill your story. Maybe I’ll spill mine.”

“What’s yours about?”

“I’m not even sure, could be a series of things, that man in the back alley, those four women, or that one deal. I can’t exactly remember I broke into a wine factory,” Chet grins, three teeth creeping Victor out.

“R-really?”

“Tell me your story, and I’ll tell you what’s true or not.”

Victor remains quiet for a long time, contemplating if he wants to tell a complete stranger or not.

“I was on my way to my dorm one day after my econ class. I knew there was a rally going on, but I assumed it was on the far side of the north campus, that’s where all protest, rallies are located. Well, on my way to my dorm, I got in the middle of it. I’m not good in such situation, I get really testy. I ended up making the mistake of staying for a few minutes. It was over animal testing, and how its wrong. The leader, all he was doing was thrusting his arm, repeating the same three or four facts, but in a different way. Everyone was getting hyped up just because others were hyped up. For a week I couldn’t stop talking about how I would’ve ran the rally. So next thing I knew…”

“You decide to have a rebuttal, eh?”

“Pretty much, spent three weeks planning actually. The turn out was absolutely brilliant. I actually opened people up to both sides, I had all this evidence. Most people were silent, but I could tell in their eyes they were taking it all in.”

“Some people have to get the word out. So is that all then?”

“Well, after that it seemed in the hallways, everywhere, everyone was coming up to me, wanting to have “deep conversations”. And it seemed the rallies come more often, at first they were well planned. I was there to get people to know what’s really right. Although people just seemed to be getting more stupid. They needed to be informed, so every time I heard something, I jumped right in. Voicing my opinions.”

“Why?”

“They needed to be informed, some people are just foolish.”

“You can’t force your opinions on people. You can share your opinions. But everyone has the right to have their own beliefs, just like you have the right to protest, and I have the right to criticize you right now. As long as you take it into moderation…Wait, wait, wait now. I remember now, Victor Bell? Victory for Victor. You are the college boy who has been starting all the riots around campus. I knew your name was familiar. Really, you have no right to take your rights and others to that extreme.”

“You’re a drunk, missing teeth, what do you know?”

“Apparently more then you do.”

The officer returns, “Hey, Chet. Your out. Get your story then?”

Chet stands up, pulling out a toothless mouth piece, “I did, thanks for letting me in.”

“No problem.”

Victor stands up, “You only came in here to get a story?”

“The right to press. Enjoy the rest of your twenty-four hours. Hope you think about what’s right…and what’s wrong. And good luck with those midterms.”

[WorldWarCheese]

I have absolutely no clue what just happened here? I mean, to me it sounded like someone was wrongfully arrested by a cop on a payroll from some non-government official so this guy could get a story about some politician's kid?

The reason for the arrest was never given, not even implied. Who is Victor's dad? Chet just said "Oh! I remember your name because you are THAT KID. Versus "You're that kids SON!" you know?

It looked to me, from the description that Victor was a kid at school. He saw people rallying and felt that there was a better way to inform the general public about issues. He then carried out his plan, it WORKED and was highly successful and more and more people came to him for serious debates. He sounds like a member of a debate team who's just a little nosy, yet talented and gets in everyone's discussions and defeats them.

No where do I see "Omigosh! He just beat the snot outa dat kid and got a bunch of hooligans and killed the Jews!" <-- WAS this a type of Hitler-Comes-To-Power type story? (Just wondering)

Also, how would the debate skillz carry over into something that could get him or his father in trouble.

I mean, it was well written, but the dialog was vague or just not descriptive enough to carry across what you were trying to say, I think.

[tamaulipas19602]

I can see why you received a good grade. It was enjoyable to read and shows a difficult concept in an easily digustable format. WELL DONE. This could be a very dynamic one act play.

[EternalPen]

Okay, just a few things got me here.

First, you said toothless man more than once, and yet there was one moment when he smiled and you said his three teeth. Not a big deal, just a bit strange.

secondly, I just skipped the first few sentences, hoping they weren't important. Why? Well, you used "man" so much, it all got jumbled in my head. I didn't want to take the time to iron out a good picture for the first few sentences, so I skipped them. It was a bit too much for me.

Other than that, I enjoyed it. I'm not a large fan of this kind of stuff (Political issues, Riots, anything that REALLY could happen in the world, lol), but this kept me until it was over. I liked it, good job! ^_^

[dearest]

Whoa,I agree with EternalPen. What's up with that first paragraph? Do you have a fixation with men, Steph? ^_^ Okay, small editing thing:

I knew there was a rally going on, but I assumed it was on the far side of the north campus, that’s where all protest, rallies are located.

Bit of a run-on. Maybe a semicolon or dash after campus instead of a comma, and no comma after protest. Sorry, couldn't resist. ^_^

Everyone was getting hyped up just because others were hyped up

My only real problem with this one is the dialogue. I really like what you're saying politically, but the way the characters speak to each other sometimes has me scratching my head going, 'huh'? Would you really say "just because others were hyped up"? Wouldn't you say "just because everyone else was getting hyped up" or something like that? Not overall, but just in those certain spots, it sounds kind of unnatural, very english-papery. And, yes, I guess it is an english paper, so that kind of makes sense...^_^

Overall, I really like it. You did something political! ^_^ It's great that you're trying out new stuff and doing so well with it! Yay, Steph!

[tamaulipas19602]

I've sent you a private message. Have fun with it.

[LullabyHearts]

What can I say? I love men. Haha, didn't even realize that.
And Tam, oh my gosh, I love love love your idea!

(i'm not in the mood to read other comments. I will later, haha, thanks though!)

[WorldWarCheese]

And Tam, oh my gosh, I love love love your idea!

wtf?

(one two three four five six seven eight nine ten)

[LullabyHearts]

Putting it in script form. PM chat, sorry.
Counting?

[WorldWarCheese]

Ah, gotcha.

It's my way of saying "My, how annoying is this ten letter minimum?"

[LullabyHearts]

Thats what I thought but I wasn't entirely sure.

[Zoidberg]

A very interesting ending. Can you actually do that? Pose as a person in jail to get a story?

Anyway, good story. I really liked the dialogue you used. It seemed very realistic. Only one thing, though. I do have to agree with the cheese and say that you never fully explained why the college kid was there.

This may be off topic, but what's the:

"My, how annoying is this ten letter minimum?"

[LullabyHearts]

I quickly wrote this in 20 minutes. So a lot of the details don't exist.

[RENA HANDS]

I would like to see a better description of this ‘overweight cop.’

Did you mean…

think they are(all) smart because they have a(n) education, ?

I understand that you are illustrating just dialogue here, but the vocabulary could be more intense also to fit the situation here.

Why not show the young ‘punk’ screaming, kicking ‘fighting the Man’ as he is being shoved into the cell?

Should it not be…

Let me out of here!

(let me…)

An upset cop would actually take the time to ‘suggest silence?’

Are you missing quotations around

Or what?

This sentence about Victor and luxury to father…is a bit awkward.

Should it not be…

He raised the end pitch of his sentence. ?

Possibly change the comma to semicolon here…

could be a series of things; the man in the back alley, those four women or that one deal. ?

The arrest did not take place on the same day as his return to the dorm. This seems particular.

There could be more dialogue among the protestors.

It should be ‘you’re’…You’re out.

The whole story is very curious, the execution not so great. The dialogue, choppy. So the punctuation. And I think you’re jumping around with the verbs. I will rate this 2/5!