[WorldWarCheese]

Synopsis: A boy finds solace in video games.


My Other Life is Epic: The Master of the Game
By WorldWarCheese


Thump, thump, thump. Not the pitter patter of a small animal or child, yet too light to carry the heavy footsteps of a fully grown adult. The sound resonates off the cold walls, muffled only by the carpet on the stair floor.

The thumping stops.

A door creaks in the silence as it opens.

A click, a whir, a small tune lasting no more than a second.

Then dark, and silence.

More darkness. Whirring replaces silence.

A few seconds go by.

LIGHT! And suddenly Light. Bright light. Light creating a glow and a halo of multi-hued brilliance. And noise, lots of noise, so much noise it fills the room.

The Battle is on.

“Help! Help! Oh shit, I’m pinned down!”

Ratta-tata-tata

“Aaargh!”

“Fuck! They got Dozzer!”

BOOM! BANG!

More screaming, swearing and another explosion.

A voice above the din sounds, large and looming, powerful in its frankness.

“They have captured the Headquarters.”

The World, he can feel it in his lungs; it gives him strength and power.

“They’re all boarded in there! We can’t get through!”

“I’m getting shot to Hell! We need help!”

“AAAAAAHHHH!”

A blur of motion, he is now darting from cover to cover, shadow to shadow, his movements barely make a whisper. A small cottage, destroyed car, tree, bush, wheat in a field; he knows exactly where to go and what to do. Silent confidence incarnate.

“GRENAAAAADE!”

“Frag out! Frag ou-AAARGH!”

“Mediiiiiiic!”

He slows to a stop, like a glider silently slides into a landing field. This is it. It’s time.

He breathes deep once more, filling his lungs, the World goes out and into focus. He is an Eagle, seeing his prey from half a mile away.

A FLASH! He sees them, almost twenty and under cover. Armed to the teeth with a myriad of guns, knives and grenades; their faces are covered by demonic looking gas masks with large, black and void eyes.

Blood erupts into the air ahead of another explosion. Those are his team-mates.

The World slows. A breath, a tightening of the grip, a squeeze, a sharp tone that pierces then echoes through the wheat to his back and a masked soldier falls, his head is replaced with a bright red ball that evaporates into the wind. The pink mist.

Breath, squeeze, pull.

Lifeless, another enemy slides lifeless to the ground; the broken tree stump that had recently failed at covering him is marred by the remains of his skull.

Before another shot can be fired the enemy position slows their fire then stops altogether. They are confused, begin to fire again, this time erratically into the wheat field. Bullets whip and zip past, tearing stalks in half and sending dirt, rocks and dust in small puffs of dirt, rocks and dust into the air. Fools.

The crosshairs claim another victim, this one looking right at him with those cold, black eyes.

His battle headset sounds, “Hey, look at where they’re firing!”

“Hey-yeah! Who is that?”

Another flash, another red cloud where a head had been. The black masks scatter.

“They’re running! Holy shit!”

“Whoever you are you just saved us all! C’mawn! CHAAAARGE!”

The sounds of battle sound again in full swing, this time with cheers mixed with the screams.

What happened next was not a rout, not perfect. The enemy was well organized, experienced troops, but one after another they all started to fall to the merciless gaze from hidden within the wheat. Six heads and three minutes later the same cold voice from before announced regally,

“We have taken the Headquarters.”

He stands and begins to stroll; a half smile crosses his face.

Cheers meet him as he arrives. His camouflaged suit, a tangle of netting, cloth and vegetation, is surrounded by crisp, light greens and olive drabs. Almost a dozen weary fighters are left to hail their hero, their savior, the Master of the Game. He had saved them and they will never forget it.

A click is heard somewhere a world away and suddenly both are flooded with a white, solid light that envelopes his vision.

“Thomas Dill Dolan! What are you doing up so late!?”

The congratulations and cheers follow the microphone as it falls to the floor.

“But, Mo-“

“DON’T YOU ‘But, Mom’ me, mister! Get back to your room now! Did you know you have school tomorrow!?”

Thump, thump, thump.

Slower, heavier than before, a little boy returns to his room and shuts the door, climbing into his bed while a simple, yet powerful, plastic box’s sole light dims then shuts off in a dark-again room and a silent headset lays neglected on the floor.

My Other Life is Epic.

[WorldWarCheese]

Can you believe this was inspired by a Tee-shirt slogan?

[Nupur]

Whoa! A t-shirt slogan inspired this? Lovely. It's a very well written story. Pretty good theme and you've done justice to it. Your grammar is strong and you tend you use some amazing language. Again, like I mentioned in the edit of your previous story, please avoid long drawn sentences. They are difficult to read and really mess up the flow of your story. Take care next time. Another little thing I'd like to advise you against is double punctuation. Please don't use it, ever. Apart from the nits, I think this is definitely good. Keep writing.

[WorldWarCheese]

Whoa! A t-shirt slogan inspired this? Lovely. It's a very well written story. Pretty good theme and you've done justice to it. Your grammar is strong and you tend you use some amazing language. Again, like I mentioned in the edit of your previous story, please avoid long drawn sentences. They are difficult to read and really mess up the flow of your story. Take care next time.

Yeah, this shirt: http://www.splitreason.com/product/345 (I buy a lot of my clothes from sites like Splitreason)

This is actually going to be a multi-story collection with the theme of seemingly inconsequential people using things like video games, the internet, and other geeky items to sudden become important and imposing figures in their own fields (this one being the FPS/First-Person-Shooter).

Other ones inlcude:
Cublicle Worker -> Message Board Admin of a respected site
High School Nerd -> Super Hacker
Peasant Farmer -> Famed Blogger/Political Theorist Online
Adult Nerd -> Dungeon Master
Housewife -> Lvl 60 Orc-Master (World of Warcraft spinoff)
etc etc etc

Some are "in production" and others I just need a spark to get going on, but you'll be seeing them here sooner or later. Some will be more for comedic value and others are a bit more serious, (I mean, the Orc-Master is funny as Hell).

[thelma&louise]

Hehe. This was cute. If I didn't read the synopsis I would certainly think this was some kind of war story or something. Obviously, that was the whole point. I liked it, yet like Nup said, avoid long-drawn sentences; there's one right in the beginning...You might want to chop it up. And you also have really short sentences too. Yeah, they add the drama factor to the story, but sometimes they constrict its flow. So an excess of it isn't good. Your dialogue, though, was excellent. Exactly the way I could picture a boy playing a video game, exclamations and all.

I'm not so great at describing how I feel about stories exactly, but I'm trying. X_x Anyway...The fact that a tee-shirt slogan inspired a story is something to boast about. Only you can do that, Cheese, you weirdo.

Then dark, and silence.

It should be "Then darkness, and then silence." I think this is a typo though, because you mention "darkness" in the sentence right after it.

LIGHT! And suddenly light. Bright light.

Since you already mentioned "LIGHT", there's no need for "And suddenly light", and vice versa. Keep either one of the two. Although I would prefer keeping the second one, because you're making "LIGHT!" sound like it's a sound, or as if someone's exclaiming it. Like, "THUD!". See what I mean?

Oh, and avoid getting too capslocky.

I would suggest going through it one more time, because you have some other mistakes as far as punctuation and stuff is concerned.

Are you happy now? Go read my story! -kicks-

Oh, and I still have to castrate you. You got time?

-Chris.

[WorldWarCheese]

If I didn't read the synopsis I would certainly think this was some kind of war story or something. Obviously, that was the whole point.

Pretty much. What boy doesn't want to be the War Hero at some time or another? In video games you can actually become that hero (if your thumbs are quick enough). To escape a boring or poor life, the video game allows this kid to be a hero, and accepted as a hero by other players as well.

The actual gameplay is based off of Call of Duty 4 (A combination of the Pipeline and Country Cottage maps) which itself tries to be a more realistic war game experience. I thought about doing Halo or Gears, but the This-Time-Period of Call of Duty seemed more apt for the story I wanted.

long-drawn sentences; there's one right in the beginning...You might want to chop it up. And you also have really short sentences too.

I do that on purpose. Either because they are connected ideas (which is outmoded and I know those should be chopped, I just don't notice at the time) or because the way the reader reads punctuation. Short sentences are meant to be choppy, almost exaggeratedly so. This changes the feel. Start with long winded descriptions and once action begins you break it up into short burst. It's a feel type thing, but I obviously go overboard. You're not supposed to actually notice it happening, but more of a subconscious shift of feeling made by the syntax. The fact that you noticed means I failed somewhere along the way.

there's one right in the beginning...You might want to chop it up.

Point it out and I'll take a look.

Only you can do that, Cheese, you weirdo.

I am amazing, aren't I?

It should be "Then darkness, and then silence." I think this is a typo though, because you mention "darkness" in the sentence right after it.

I chose dark because it was a single syllable. Maybe I should replace it all together. "Black" or something... I don't know. I gotta whip out a thesaurus again. :/

Keep either one of the two.

Good catch, I'll decide one or the other (or a third option) hopefully this week (I really HATE editing, it's so... boring and drawn out. Nothing really to do with encapsulating the original concept and idea, and more of a changing it to be a better read. It's so annoying...)

See what I mean?

I meant it to be like that actually. As if the turning on of the light is a powerful even that it transcends the senses and overflows into audio and visual (from the caps).

Oh, and avoid getting too capslocky.

I'm usually not (that's a lie). I just write a lot of things that involve surprises, explosions and screaming. All of which, depending on circumstances can use a healthy dose of caps. It's more of a personal taste thing (I get no feeling of excitement from a mere "!")

Are you happy now? Go read my story! -kicks-

Link me, and go read the other story to. It has a lot of sentence structure and length change, much more than this one. Hopefully I pull it off in a more artistic manner, tho'. (Who knows?)

Oh, and I still have to castrate you. You got time?

If you have scissors.

-Chris.

Oh no, I want Sal to weigh in on this one too. Print it out and give it to her if you have to. That's the price you pay for sharing a screen name.

[thelma&louise]

Damn you! Fine...I'm going to her place anyway, we'll review it together, loser. Btw, this is the sentence I was talking about:

Not the pitter patter of a small animal or child, yet too light to carry the heavy footsteps of a fully grown adult, the sound resonates off the cold walls, muffled only by the carpet on the stair floor.

PLEASE chop it up. XD

EDIT: the link: In The Streets of Harlem - Prologue

When you're done with it, read chapter 1. you'll find the link in the same post as the prologue

[WorldWarCheese]

Originally Posted by Edited

Not the pitter patter of a small animal or child, yet too light to carry the heavy footsteps of a fully grown adult, the sound resonates off the cold walls, muffled only by the carpet on the stair floor.

There.

When you're done with it, read chapter 1. you'll find the link in the same post as the prologue

Will do.

[thelma&louise]

This is Sal. =) I read this and thought you were an absolute monkey! XD In a good way, though. I like calling people monkeys when they're cute, funny, etc. And this is...well, I thought it was very weird in the beginning because I didn't know what the hell was going on, but hey, I like that you're creative. I was giggling and shaking my head while reading the first several paragraphs, especially the dialogue.

From the way you write I think you have loads of potential, you can do a lot better. Try reading through it a couple of times, that always helps in catching minor mistakes. Other than that, good job.

[WorldWarCheese]

absolute monkey

Thanks.

In a good way

I figured.

they're cute

I am sexy as all Hell, but that's beside the point.

I thought it was very weird in the beginning because I didn't know what the hell was going on

Good or bad way?

I was giggling and shaking my head while reading the first several paragraphs, especially the dialogue.

Not quite the reaction I was going for, but I'll take it.

From the way you write I think you have loads of potential, you can do a lot better.

Thanks, read the other story as well. It might be more of an improvement.

Try reading through it a couple of times, that always helps in catching minor mistakes.

Ugh, I hate doing this. It takes for ever and is no fun at all. >_<

[beverent]

Wow.. This kind of stuff is good!! Congrats to you for making a good... story? Well, I'm not sure if its a story or anything but it has a very action-packed, mind boggling, intense plot! Exactly like a video game! I've got corrections though to dish out here so if you think I'm quite right or quite wrong, well you know what to do... EDIT! *smiles*

"Then dark, and silence"

I would suggest: Then, dark and silence

"Those are his team-mates"

Hmmm... team-mates? I'm not sure in this but it can team mates I guess.


Your sentences are fragmented but you have described everything using those senteces. I'm impressed. You did a good job! *winks*

[WorldWarCheese]

... story?

Ouch, man.

it has a very action-packed, mind boggling, intense plot!

Thanks.

I've got corrections though

If all I wanted was praise I wouldn't have put it on the Internet. Shoot away.

I would suggest: Then, dark and silence

I'll think about this one, but I personally put the pause between dark and silence.

Hmmm... team-mates? I'm not sure in this but it can team mates I guess.

Suggestions?

You did a good job! *winks*

Thanks again.

[Gurdit]

Not the pitter patter of a small animal or child, yet too light to carry the heavy footsteps of a fully grown adult.

What's wrong with this sentence is that it's incomplete. It has no subject. I know you're talking about the footsteps causing the 'thump,thump,thump' sound, but you still need to refer to them somehow. I suggest a pronoun.

Then dark, and silence.

darkness?

A small cottage, destroyed car, tree, bush, wheat in a field

This sentence, wreck, incomplete, random, not quite a sentence. ... I think you should reconstruct this as a sentence that shows what you want us to see rather than just a bunch of words that you'd use to create visual imagery.

Armed to the teeth with a myriad of guns, knives and grenades

Yet again, this is a fregment of a sentence. It would do better concatenated to the previous one, separated by a comma.

A breath, a tightening of the grip, a squeeze, a sharp tone that pierces then echoes through the wheat to his back and a masked soldier falls, his head is replaced with a bright red ball that evaporates into the wind.

And in this case, I'd suggest the exact opposite. Let the reader take a breath. Too much action for one sentence.

Lifeless, another enemy slides lifeless to the ground

I normally don't care too much about repetition, but this it repetition in too close of a proximity.

rocks and dust in small puffs of dirt, rocks and dust into the air

Again, the repetition is jarring. You can come up with some better word to replace those.

gaze from hidden within the wheat.

Something not quite right. I don't think that "from" should be there.

So then, little Mouse, what have we here?
Well, to be honest, the plot is interesting enough for sure. I wasn't terribly surprised that it was a game in the end. The "thump, thump, thump" still bugs me a little. It's not quite the sound an adult would make, but it's still his mum in the end, isn't it?

Anyway, apart from that, I think I ought to comment a bit on your writing style. In this piece, I don't know whether you intended to write in a manner that complemented your content. Like in a battle zone, everything happens fast, randomly and is confusing. That's how I felt this story was written too... fast, a few random words strung together here and there, and sometimes I had to read twice to understand exactly what's going on. Even if you did intend to write in this manner, I'm pretty sure you can depict the confusion of a war-zone with slightly better writing. By "better", I mean a little more fleshed out.

Other than that, I don't really have many other comments. Based on the comments you leave on others' posts, I'd say you have tremendous potential, yet somehow, I felt it wasn't quite used perfectly here, particularly keeping in mind the repetitions and certain sentence constructions.

I still liked the concept quite a bit. I wrote something semi-similar to this just this morning. Had nothing to do with gaming, but it did have something to do with mothers

I'll read some of your other stories as well.

Don't lose heart based on my review though. I just like it when the author writes a story that is clear to see. I have a very visual brain. I like seeing things when I read or hear them. Somehow, it wasn't very easy for me to do that here, that's all.


EDIT:
I didn't read all the other comments because I'm not in the mood right now and I'm hungry and slightly pissed and I could bite your head off....... that might also explain why you might feel like I've been a bit of a dick with the review.

[WorldWarCheese]

Don't lose heart based on my review though. I just like it when the author writes a story that is clear to see. I have a very visual brain. I like seeing things when I read or hear them. Somehow, it wasn't very easy for me to do that here, that's all.

One can't loose a heart one never had to begin with, but I know what you mean. Don't worry, I prefer these posts than ones praising my work. How else will I improve?

For the rest, I mostly agree with what you said I just need to go back and revise, which may take a bit. So don't you loose heart if you don't see any changes soon, they're going to happen.