[Corneac]

Synopsis: How would you deal, if someone close to you, someone you love, was going crazy?


"Millie, they're watching me." My brother Ambrose stands by my bed. "They're watching me!" He repeats, rousing me from my drowsy stupor.

He looks terrible. His eyes ablaze with fear and intensity, a shocking contrast to the pallor of his face. He holds a red mug, a steaming mug of coffee. I would always remember the colour of that mug, and how his eyes bore into my uncomprehending mind. The panic, the terror, the fear of his stare.

"Ambrose, what's wrong?" I say groggily. He lowers his voice to a mere whisper, as his eyes dart around the room suspiciously. "They've been following me, watching me, documenting my every move," He says as if revealing a clandestine secret. "All of them!"

I pour my self a coffee out of the pot that Ambrose has just brewed. I stare at the clock. 6 am. I want to go back to bed. Immerse myself in my dreams, where sisterly devotion doesn't exist. Ambrose's eyes continue to stare around the room, occasionally he'll remove a pot plant from the mantle or under a dish. As if looking for something. My heart literally breaks. Just staring at him. Desperate. Desperate to prove his sanity.

"You know Millie. You know the Nirvana song. It's the same in Granddad's book, on the third page. It's a message. It's a warning!"

My mind is buzzing. What Nirvana song? What lyrics? What one of Granddad's book. What kind of message? The questions flit through my mind like a runaway freight train. As does the confusion of misunderstanding of what he's talking about.

"Well they're trying to warn me. The lady she tried to warn me. About the cameras. But they took her away. But I found it, the message. But they're watching me."

"What? Ambrose, slow down! Who's watching you? Why? How?" He gives a sigh of annoyance, as if I should instantly understand what he's trying to communicate.

"Well for example...he is!" he says pointing to the door where my Mother and Step-father are asleep.

"What...? Ambrose what does any of have to do with Darren? I don't understand...?"

He pours himself another cup of coffee. Just what he needs, I think to myself, more caffeine.

I remember when I was little, when I'd have a frightening nightmare. I'd wake up; sweat glistening on my skin, my breathing laboured, fear stalking my every movement. The monsters that had tormented my dreams remained in my room, under my bed, behind the door, in the cupboard. Every creak of the house, the cat bounding onto furniture in the next room, heightened my fear. As the possums darted through the roof, my mind was gripped with terror. The shadows surrounding my bed became the monsters that haunted my sleep.

When I could finally grasp the faintest array of logic, managing to calm the erratic nature of my breathing and chattering of my teeth. I dashed, to the door of my brother's room. Reaching my brother's room safely I'd crawl into his bed next to him, my arrival stirring him

"It's alright Millie, monsters aren't real"

"You're safe now...shhhhh"

"Don't worry, calm down. Go to sleep"

His words of comfort and his presence would eventually soothe my fearful sobs and shaking body. My heart rate would ease and I would finally fall asleep to the sounds of his reassuring words.

How times have changed, now I was the one calming him down. Before he answered, his eyes sweep the room cautiously, before he silently beckons for me to follow him. He leads me to the back garden; he eyes every object suspiciously, as if everything contains a secret camera.

He sits down next to me on the doorstep; his knuckles clutching the coffee cup are now stark white. The morning is beginning to dawn, cold and wet. Puddles lay on the grass, the steady dripping from the roof the only sounds beside the wheezing breath of my brother.

'So...what's all this stuff about Darren watching you?"

"Alright," He says, lowering his voice. "Darren has been listening to me, recording everything I've been saying! Telling them! They're after me, they're coming to get me. There was the warning in Annie DeFranco's lyrics, and written in dust on my window. It's a warning. They're everywhere!"

These words pound into my subconscious. I smile weakly at him. What can I say? Tell him he is crazy? Become one of 'them'? Someone who is out to get him, someone he's scared of? No I can do nothing, but smile as his irrational thoughts pour out of him.

He continues to talk. "I'm being broadcasted on the radio and on Thai TV..."

"What like a reality TV show or something?" I say with a slight laugh.

He rises as if I had electrocuted him.

"Your one of them, aren't you!" He whispers with muted terror "They got to you didn't they! Didn't they!"

I stand up giving him a senseless hug, silent tears streaming down my face.

"I believe you Ambrose, I believe you. It's alright. Everything's fine."

I sit back down; he begins desperately inspecting an umbrella.

"Look!" He says victoriously. "There is camera in here! He's put a camera in here! I told you!"

He brandishes the umbrella wildly. There were so many things I want to say to him. To ask him. Have you been taking your medication? When did you find out about Darren 'watching' you?

Earlier that year I remember when I had called him up, crying my eyes out. I had particularly vicious fight with Mum, I wanted his comfort, I needed his comfort. He appeared almost instantaneously, taken me out for lunch. As we sat in the park that day, eating our sushi, I had felt an overwhelming surge of love for him. For his lovable spontaneity, his philosophical convictions, his perfection as a brother.

I take him in my arms. Desperate to comfort. Soothe his fear. I now it is useless; his mind is tormented by those demons, as they had haunted my sleep all those years ago. They haunt his sanity, distorting his perception of reality.

"I believe you Ambrose," I say. "I know they're real." They do exist; they are real, within the chasm of his subconscious.

lines spacings of your speech dude...

[JirQUEST]

also, some of your dialogue have open ends. close them with the ". the very first line itself was already like that.

[Corneac]

Thanks Jir and Dunc, fixed it up. How's that?

Much better

so sad corneac, this one evoked genuine emotion from me, and for that I commend you. I think this one is well written, haven't had a chance to go through it with a fine tooth-comb, but I assure you I will

[Corneac]

I'm glad it invoked some emotional response. Thanks again for all your help dunc

No probs at all, I put your other one up as well...

[Corneac]

Thanks Duncan...I really appreciate it

[Odanion]

Nice story overall...just a few things:

How times have changed, now I was one calming him down. Before he answered, his eyes swept the room cautiously, before he silently beckons for me to follow him. He leads me to the back garden; he eyes every object suspiciously, as if everything contains a secret camera.

There are a few mistakes in this part

'now I was THE one...'

Tense changed a few times making it sound like you are there talking, while he was doing something awhile ago.

Even though the tense changes are a necesity in this part...'his eyes swept the room before...'

It still seems as if it is something that happened before and not something happening right now...it should be SWEEP in this case


Like I said...great story I really liked it alot, so all I can say is keep up the awesome work and write more

[Disposition]

Nice story

[Corneac]

Thankyou Disposition...that cheered me up

[Odanion]

hey...I said I like it a lot...why did't my post cheer you up?

[Corneac]

Did too Odanion I just though you were just probably sick of my constant thankyou's? You're not?

Well THANKYOU...you did, made my day mate...

[Odanion]

I never get sick of hearing that my posts make someones day

[Corneac]

Well it did made my day...actually after re-reading it, it made my day again...thanks Odanion.

[RENA HANDS]

Ambrose's eyes continue to stare around the room; occasionally he'll remove a pot plant from the mantle or under a dish.

I had a particularly vicious fight with Mum, I wanted his comfort, I needed his comfort.

Spine-chilling but in a heartfelt way, I mean really what can one person do for a loved one who suffers from mental illness?

I rate as 4/5!

[DragonLover]

nice story : )

[Venomous Vixen]

Geez Chris, really heartwrenching this one is. A few things really struck me and made this one haunting and beautiful. First, the way you said the color of the mug would never be forgotten, well memories are like that... memorizing everything, associating objects with a certain snippet of time and knowing each time you reach for that thing you will be thrown back into that moment. And then, the thoughts of the nightmares as a child that seem to parallel the state Ambrose can't get out of as an adult. Mental disorders are very consistent in causing regression of the mind, to child like thoughts or states. This is terribly tragic, and you captured the toll something like this really does take on a family brilliantly. Really, I was impressed with the reality in this one.

['Ginnis]

Oh my, that was chilling. Almost depressing actually, though not depressing enough to serve as an excuse to go get chocolate ice cream...laregely because I'm out of chocolate ice cream. A couple gramatic things towards the end with the rapid dialogue, but it's mostly hackneyed commas. I was confused with one little bit though...

He rises as if I had electrocuted him.

"Your one of them, aren't you!" He whispers with muted terror "They got to you didn't they! Didn't they!"

When you suggest that he whisper the line, the use of the eclamation points, at least for the first part of the quote, seem a little intense. I thought about khow a grown adult whispers an epiphany and it's usually much more subdued. A child however could exclaim while whispering but it's not all that common. I can see both sides of the useage, however I favor the first and yeah...pointless really and incredibly trivial.

Good work, I know stories aren't your favorite but I think you've got some skill. Would love to see more of them from ya.

[Fumus]

I liked it, after reading it I feel totally awesome, gosh life is great! *sarcasm*

Yea it's was very heavy, I guess I should have read the synopsis. Very well written, and I think it had the affect you were looking for.