[DanHill]

The Chronicles Of TimeWolf

Chapter 2

TimeWolf got out of the car, pulling his Colts from his trench coat as he strode toward the two-story mansion. It was covered in vines and pieces of wood stuck out of the side of it. The rain had stopped. It was midnight.

He walked up the steps toward the large wooden door breathing hard, but calmly. The Colts were still clutched tightly in his sweaty hands. He kicked open the door and fired both his Colts at once into the darkness. There were screams from inside the mansion, then TimeWolf heard something slam onto the floor.

He walked in. Putting one of his Colts back in his trench coat, he pulled out a flashlight and turned it on. He shined the light around the room, illuminating the body of the man he had just killed. He walked over to it and turned it over. “How can this be?” he whispered, gazing at the face of the man. “This is the man I have been hunting down for centuries. He is a time traveler. Why the hell is he here?”

TimeWolf jolted his head up from the body as he heard a laugh coming from the second story. He got up and again drew his second Colt.

He walked up the stairs very quietly, like a cat trying to surprise its victim. At the top of the stairs he started walking down the hall toward a door at the end of it. “Show yourself,” he said, trying to squint through the darkness.

There was another laugh. “Show yourself,” he said again. Suddenly TimeWolf was blown backwards, off his feet and into the wall at the end of the corridor. He bounced off, landing roughly on his face. He was nearly unconscious from the impact with the wall. He struggled to look up. His vision was blurry, but he could see a figure walking toward him. He saw it stop at his head. Then everything went black.

[Timmay]

for the most part, this was good. you have good description, an alright premise (not my type of thing, but thats me), and over all an interesting character, as fantasy like as he is.

If i could, however, I would suggest that you look over this thing MANY MANY TIMES. its not that you have a bad story, mind you, its just your... language.

for instance, in this short story, you say the word "colts" a total of 4 times. this would be fine if you had a longer story, but because of how dence it is, this repetition of words becomes an annoyance. Swap out one of the "colts" for the actual name of the gun; a colt peacemaker, an M1911, an M9, any number of names. Not only does this ad flavor, but it clarifies things; Colt is a company. colt could be anything from clot manufacturing; a M4 carbine, an m1895, or even an ACR.

another complaint is the dialogue. this one is minor, but make the dialogue more...life like. right now, its like its one of those japanese animation things, which, if you were aiming for, you hit right on the head, but it just sounds so inhuman.

“This is the man I have been hunting down for centuries. He is a time traveler. Why the hell is he here?”

if i could have my way with it, i would probably phrase it as, "I've been hunting this son of a bitch time traveler for ages." "why the hell is he here," sounds fine tho.

other wise, great job. i can tell, give it about year and you'll be writting some sick stuff. keep up the good work

[N. Nathaniel]

I think this story is turning out to be pretty intense! Some rough spots with the description of certain things. The content isn't bad, but it just seems as if you've stumbled over your words a little bit.

At the top of the stairs he started walking down the hall toward a door at the end of it.

"... After he climbs the stairs, he approaches a hallway. Dark. Much of it cloaked in shadow. He makes his way towards a door at the end, prowling like a cat hunting for mice."

It just adds more intensity to what TimeWolf is doing... it adds more mystery and suspense to the scene the reader draws in their mind. Almost as if outlining the scenes of a movie. I also find it kinda ironic to compare TimeWolf to a cat, even though wolves can be just as stealthy. LOL

What works for me is I reveal one huge elment that progresses a certain scene I'm drawing out at a time, and then I describe vivid details like how the characters interact with it. I find that readers want more suspense than progression. They want details, tons and tons of detail. The real trick is delivering the detail... If you can keep the suspense gripping enough, it'll keep the reader glued to your words and more drawn in. So I suggest adding more details about the scene....

But what you've so far is pretty intense anyway! Loved the ending in this chapter. I look forward to reading the next installment. Please don't give up on it!