[DanHill]

You can call me Peter; it’s not my real name. But can you just call me it. Imagine me if you must as someone you once knew, or someone you liked. Or better yet imagine me as you. Now I must warn you much of this story has been changed to protect the Innocent and the guilty so it is not the whole truth of this story. The real story is to terrifying and blood thirsty to tell. But I will tell you this version of the story because of you herd the real story. You would be driven insane.

For the first eight years of my life I was raised in a little town called Hedge Rock. Nice place; waterfalls, beaches and rivers, you name it. Life was a joy there. Everybody was friends with me in my year at the school I went to, it was called Hedge Rock Primary School.

But that all changed when my father decided to move to the Village of Shade when I was nine. He said it was much better for me to grow up there than Hedge Rock, he said I would get a better education. I pleaded with him not to go. But I was unsuccessful. We moved anyway.

I was top of my class at Hedge Rock I liked writing stories allot.

I dont know why I just did and art to. In my house my farther had a rule. never go 5 blocks behind our house into the forbidden forest. On my 11th birthday I broke that rule.

I was chasing our dog Max nasty little dog that one. But we loved him just the same.

Anyway I chased him and I went too far and chased it to the border between the forest and the town. I was scared to go over the 2 foot brick wall. I called out to Max but he didn't listen and jumped over the wall.

For a minute I thought of just letting him go but then J thought of what I would do when I got home with no Max. My farther would ask where he is. And wow it would go down well if I said to him. "Oh I let him jump over the wall into the forbidden forest dad." so I decided to follow him.

I jumped over the wall and ran into the forest after him. As soon as I stepped into that forest my life changed forever. Max had stopped behind a bush. "Come here boy" I said as I walked over to him. I got to him and nearly vomited. There was a dead body of a man wearing black covered in blood from head to toe.

I grabbed Max and ran home to tell my mother and farther. It took the ambulance an hour to arrive. In that single hour my mind wandered. I had convinced myself that the man was murdered though the doctor concluded that nothing else was possible except suicide. The minute I had seen that dead man. The detective in me was born.

I started collecting detective books and novels the week after i had seen the man. My mother was worried about me. she came up to me one day and had a talk about if I needed help about seeing the man and if i was disturbed or not. I spat it I walked out of the house and on to the beach 3 houses ahead of us.

While I was at the beach I had a huge about what I wanted to do in my future. My dream was to become a detective but my farther forbid it. But i stil wanted to be one. So I trudged back to to the house and told my mother and farther that i was going to be a detective and there was no possible way that they could stop me being one.

On my 18th birthday I told my mother and farther that i was going to university. My mother was proud. My farther didn't say anything he just stood there staring at me with a angry expression on his face. I left the next day for university.

2 years later I got back from university. I told my parents I had made it through the course I was doing and that I would try out for the police force in 2 weeks. The 2 weeks passed by in a flash and I tried out for the police force. I got in. they said I was perfect for the job and that my 1st day was that coming Monday.

My 1st day came and I was ready for it. Tall and strong. My 1st assailment was to go with a swat team to arrest this woman witch had Brocken the law by sneaking drugs into her car and when the police caught her she had driven away as fast as she could in her car. They had tracked her down. And it was my job to capture and arrest her. She had taken hostages. The swat team managed to get them out before any unrepairable damage was done to them.

Eventfully we got the girl and arrested her. And according to the chief of police at our station Max Stanford. I had done such a great assailment with this that I would be promoted to detective. I was overjoyed my dream had come true.

But being promoted to detective was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Because for my 1st assailment of being detective i got the Sherry Francis case.

And that is where this story begins. It all went down from there.

That’s when it all went wrong

[tarotwolf]

hm...

Well, let me open by saying that I really liked the flavor of the first paragraph. There's a lot of missing capitization but I have to say it was a real hook. I like the "I'm going to tell you a story that might be true" approach.

But from there I kind of get a shrug. It doesn't really do anything but bullet point a handful of events that do little to build on the mystery and intrigue of the opening lines. They could have been taken from anyone's life and are, for the most part, uninteresting. Here I think some strangeness could have been introduced. Art classes, for example, that somehow gave some eeire insight to what he would become in later life. Without that build up the last scene, dodging the oncoming bullets ala Matrix, makes no sense at all.

I get the feeling that this is supposed to be a prolouge or introduction to a longer story. I'd be interested in giving it another read if you could find a way to recreate that "pop" you had in the first paragraph.

I'm not the best suited for editing the technical aspects but those are just some of my thoughts on what a reader might be looking for.

[DanHill]

Originally Posted by tarotwolf

hm...

Well, let me open by saying that I really liked the flavor of the first paragraph. There's a lot of missing capitization but I have to say it was a real hook. I like the "I'm going to tell you a story that might be true" approach.

But from there I kind of get a shrug. It doesn't really do anything but bullet point a handful of events that do little to build on the mystery and intrigue of the opening lines. They could have been taken from anyone's life and are, for the most part, uninteresting. Here I think some strangeness could have been introduced. Art classes, for example, that somehow gave some eeire insight to what he would become in later life. Without that build up the last scene, dodging the oncoming bullets ala Matrix, makes no sense at all.

I get the feeling that this is supposed to be a prolouge or introduction to a longer story. I'd be interested in giving it another read if you could find a way to recreate that "pop" you had in the first paragraph.

I'm not the best suited for editing the technical aspects but those are just some of my thoughts on what a reader might be looking for.

Dude i have rewritten the chapter. have a look at it and see what you think.

[tarotwolf]

That's a bit better. It kept more of that initial personality throughout the story. I would really REALLY recommend reading over it again, or better yet having someone with a better proof reading eye than mine, to fix some of the spelling and grammar issues. Better than the first with still some work to do. Nice start though. If you rewrite it I'll read it again.

[Ryankia]

If I find the time, I will read over it Dan - Just got a lot on my plate with other editing which needs to get done

[xtremelady]

Due to the amount of spelling and grammar and errors in this am just going to use first paragraph as an example. The words in bold are errors.

You can call me Peter, it’s not my real name. But can you just call me it.

You can call me Peter; it’s not my real name, but can you just call me it.

Imagine me if you must as somone you once knew, or somone you liked.

Imagine me if you must as someone you once knew, or someone you liked.

or better yet imagine me as you. now I must warn you much of this story has been changed to protect the Innocent and the guilty so it is not the whole truth of this story.

Or better yet imagine me as you. Now I must warn you much of this story has been changed to protect the Innocent and the guilty, so it is not the whole truth of this story.

the real story is to terryfying and blood thursty to tell. but I will tell you this version of the story because of you herd the real story. you would be driven insane.

The real story is to terrifying and blood thirsty to tell. But I will tell you this version of the story because should you hear the real story, you would be driven insane.

Now all the above mistakes were simply picked up by Microsoft word and I do suggest using this or equivalent as a easy way of checking work before submitting. True won’t pick up everything – but does pick up a great deal.

As it stands you have created a lot of work for an editor. The other thing is punctuation – take a look at the link below – even if you don’t get it 100% correct..I am sure an editor will be more than happy to point out this – if word doesn’t pick it up.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handou...commacomp.html

Once you have sorted some of the spelling and grammar out – I will be more than happy to read again and comment on content.

[LullabyHearts]

You can call me Peter, it’s not my real name. But can you just call me it.

I would combine these two sentence and consider a semi colon.
"You can call me Peter; its not my real name, but you can just call me it"
And take out "just"

Imagine me if you must as somone you once knew, or somone you liked. or better yet imagine me as you.

You mispelled "someone"

And a small little tip to help you with your writing in the near future: capitalization is key. Gives your reader's

more respect for you. Although in this day and age, with instant messaging, I can understand how hard it can be to

break from those habits when writing.

now I must warn you much of this story has been changed to protect the Innocent and the guilty so it is not

the whole truth of this story.

Wondering, since you capitalized "Innocent" did you want to capitalize "guilty" or if your emphasizing, possibly

italics? Also comma after guilty would help the flow of this sentence and break it up.

the real story is to terryfying and blood thursty to tell.

Thirsty.

Nice place; waterfalls, beaches and rivers, you name it.

Comma after beaches. And hypen instead of comma after rivers.

I was top of my class at Hedge Rock I liked writing stories alot.

Two seperate thoughts. Divide up.

I was chasing our dog Max nasty little dog that one.

Comma after Max

For a minute I thought of just letting him go but then J thought of what I would do when I got home with no

Max.

Oops. Random J.

My farther would ask where he is. and wow it would gp down well if i said to him.

Just change that "p" to an "o" and you have "go"

"oh i let him jump over the wall into the frobidden forest dad." so I decided to follow him.

Forbidden.

I jumped over the wall and ran into the foest after him. As soon as I steped into that forest my life changed

forever. Max had stopped behind a bush. "come here boy" I said as I walked over to him. I got to him and nearly

vomitted. There was a dead body of a man wearning black coverd in blood from head to toe.

Forest. Stepped. Wearing. Covered.

I grabbed Max and ran home to tell My mother and farther. It took the ambulance an hour to arrive. in that

single hour my mind wandered. I had convided myself that the man was murderd though the doctor concluded that

nothing else was possible exsept suicide. The minute i had seen that dead man. the detective in me was born.

No need to capitalize, "my" in the first sentence. "convided?" I'm not sure if this is a typo or just a word I have

no clue of. You misspelled murdered. And you misspelled except. And combine the last two sentence in this paragraph.

I spat it I walked out of the house and on to the beach 3 houses ahead of us.

This sentence is awkward in the beginning, I think your forgetting a word or two.

While I was at the beach I had a huge about what I wanted to do in my future.

Once again, I'm not sure what your trying to say, a huge what? Confusing.

My dream was to become a detective but my farther forbid it.

Oops and add "R" to father. Don't worry, I make that mistake all the time. And you do it several times.

My farther didn't say anything he just stood there staring at me with a angry exspession on his face.

You forgot the "n" in "an"

2 years later i got back from university. I told my parents I had made it through the course I was doing and

that I would try out for the police force in 2 weeks. The 2 weeks passed by in a flash and I tryed out for the

police force. I got in. they said I was perfect for the job and that my 1st day was that coming monday.

Woah there is a big time hop in a very short time period.

I 1st assiment was to go with a swat team to arrest this woman witch had brocken the law by sneaking drugs

into her car and when the police caught her she had driven away as fast as she could in her car.

My first assingment was to go with a swat team to arrest this woman, which had broken the law, by sneaking dugs into

her car. And when the police caught her, she had drove away as fast as chould.
---Also, isn't that a pretty quick? Do people really get that nice of an assignment to begin with?

Well, okay here is my opinion. You have a great story started here. It should could use some editting. Especially in

the grammar department. An I think it would help if you spent some time describing a lot more. It really helps lead

up to the rest of the story. Especially describing life during those two years and two weeks.

Good luck. I hope to read your new draft!

[Fumus]

The first thing that jumps out at me here is that there are a lot of punctuation, capitalization, and spelling mistakes. Mistakes like those make it really hard for the reader to follow the story. If you had just typed this story in Microsoft Word first many of these simple mistakes would have been caught.

REMINDER: To have a complete sentence you must have a subject and a predicate. Checkout this link to refresh yourself on some basic sentence structure...

http://www.arts.uottawa.ca/writcent/.../sntstrct.html

the real story is to terryfying and blood thursty to tell. but I will tell you this version of the story because of you herd the real story. you would be driven insane.

Capitalize the first letter of the first word in a sentence, always. In this quote alone you have four misspellings. Terrifying, thirsty, heard and too.

I like how the story starts, you do a good job pulling the reader in. You should work on including more dialog. Dialog helps the reader know what the characters are thinking and feeling, this fleshes them out and makes them seem more real. Along with dialog, you could try to be more descriptive.

My 1st day came and I was ready for it. Tall and strong. I 1st assiment was to go with a swat team to arrest this woman witch had brocken the law by sneaking drugs into her car and when the police caught her she had driven away as fast as she could in her car. they had tracked her down. And it was my job to capture and arrest her. she had tacken hostages. The swat team managed to get them out befpre any unrepairable damage was done to them.

eventuly we got the girl and arrested her. And according to the cheif of police at our station Max Stanford. I had done such a great assiment with this that i would be promoted to detective. I was overjoyed my dream had come true.

There is a huge opportunity for an intense action scene in these paragraphs. You are the writer, you need to paint the picture for the audience. Instead, you write "eventually we got the girl and arrested her". Imagine you were watching a James Bond movie and instead of showing 007 catching the super villain, you just saw Bond sitting by the pool saying "thank god I got that guy, he totally would have blown up the world". While writing stories you should be vague on somethings, and detailed in others. This story is a police drama/mystery "shoot em' up", if you need to be detailed in anything it's the part of the story where the main character is "shooting em' up".

[DanHill]

hey everybody I think I fixed up every mistake in the story. Please have a look and see if there all fixed up.

[DanHill]

Originally Posted by Fumus

The first thing that jumps out at me here is that there are a lot of punctuation, capitalization, and spelling mistakes. Mistakes like those make it really hard for the reader to follow the story. If you had just typed this story in Microsoft Word first many of these simple mistakes would have been caught.

REMINDER: To have a complete sentence you must have a subject and a predicate. Checkout this link to refresh yourself on some basic sentence structure...

http://www.arts.uottawa.ca/writcent/.../sntstrct.html



Capitalize the first letter of the first word in a sentence, always. In this quote alone you have four misspellings. Terrifying, thirsty, heard and too.

I like how the story starts, you do a good job pulling the reader in. You should work on including more dialog. Dialog helps the reader know what the characters are thinking and feeling, this fleshes them out and makes them seem more real. Along with dialog, you could try to be more descriptive.



There is a huge opportunity for an intense action scene in these paragraphs. You are the writer, you need to paint the picture for the audience. Instead, you write "eventually we got the girl and arrested her". Imagine you were watching a James Bond movie and instead of showing 007 catching the super villain, you just saw Bond sitting by the pool saying "thank god I got that guy, he totally would have blown up the world". While writing stories you should be vague on somethings, and detailed in others. This story is a police drama/mystery "shoot em' up", if you need to be detailed in anything it's the part of the story where the main character is "shooting em' up".

Thanks for the tip fumus I will try it out and see if it works.

[Wordsmyth]

grabbed Max and ran home to tell my mother and farther. It took the ambulance an hour to arrive. In that single hour my mind wandered. I had convinced myself that the man was murdered though the doctor concluded that nothing else was possible except suicide. The minute I had seen that dead man. The detective in me was born.

With so many periods this paragraph flowed like someone learing to drive a stick shift and not being able to figure out the clutch. Rephrase it and see if you can make it flow better

While I was at the beach I had a huge about what I wanted to do in my future.


I spat it I walked out of the house and on to the beach 3 houses ahead of us.

With these 2 sentences my only thoughts were huh?

On my 18th birthday I told my mother and farther that i was going to [COLOR=blue! important]university. My mother was proud. My farther didn't say anything he just stood there staring at me with a angry expression on his face. I left the next day for university.

2 years later I got back from university. I told my parents I had made it through the [COLOR=blue! important]course

I was doing and that I would try out for the police force in 2 weeks. The 2 weeks passed by in a flash and I tried out for the police force. I got in. they said I was perfect for the job and that my 1st day was that coming Monday.

My 1st day came and I was ready for it. Tall and strong. My 1st assailment was to go with a swat team to arrest this woman witch had Brocken the law by sneaking drugs into her car and when the police caught her she had driven away as fast as she could in her car. They had tracked her down. And it was my job to capture and arrest her. She had taken hostages. The swat team managed to get them out before any unrepairable damage was done to them.

Eventfully we got the girl and arrested her. And according to the chief of police at our station Max Stanford. I had done such a great assailment with this that I would be promoted to detective. I was overjoyed my dream had come true.

But being promoted to detective was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Because for my 1st assailment of being detective i got the Sherry Francis case

[/color]


Moved way too quick here.

And that is where this story begins. It all went down from there.

That’s when it all went wrong

You said the same thing twice.

hey everybody I think I fixed up every mistake in the story. Please have a look and see if there all fixed up.
__________________

May want to go back and re-read it one more time. If you need some help with anything there are plenty of people here willing to give it. PM me if you want. Try to give the editors a break. They're busy, busy people and do a hell of a job.


Word
[/color]

[bb17bb17]

It's a good set-up for a series. I noticed you still have a few errors though.

Originally Posted by DanHill

You can call me Peter; it’s not my real name. But can you just call me it.

Maybe fix it to say "But you can still call me that." There were a few other little errors. To see them, you'd have to read over what you wrote again.

Other than that, good job.

[WorldWarCheese]

It sort of read like a laundry list or a bullet-dot list of events or a timeline or something and less like a story. I found things described without much feeling (except maybe the father and the body) and events were short and numerous.

Basically:
Hedge Rock
Moved
I have a dog
I'm not allowed to go there but dog did anyways
Dad scares me so I followed dog
Body
Detective

The moving part especially irked me: Why introduce Hedge Rock with so much depth if nothing happens there then not describe Shade at all? I mean, we didn't really find out about a crazeh "forbidden forest" until the character was practically inside of it already.

Nice try and keep it up, but there's room to improve. If I were to think of some more specific advice I'd say choose one of the events you listed and make THAT a story unto itself and flesh it out like it deserves to be. (The story of you leaving your town and the pain that caused might be good or start from already at Shade and go into the Forest)

EDIT: Good luck (I hope to see more of your works) and read my stories, I'll bribe you with points

[RENA HANDS]

What about saying…

But I’ll respond to it. ?

I think you meant…

because if you heard the real story. ?

It’s not necessary to capitalize “Innocent.”

What about saying…

I was friends with many at Hedge Rock Primary School. ?

What class were you the top of?

…and art too.(I believe it should be too.)

Never go 5 blocks(Never should be capitalized.)

What about..

In my father’s home there was one rule; never go 5 blocks… ?

I'm not sure about the semicolon.

Who is “J?”

You could show more dialogue.

So I decided to follow him.(So should be capitalized.)

…that (I) was going to be…(Originally the I was smaller cased.)

The last sentence could end with(…) or just a period.

The descriptions should be more detailed. You’re just stating facts.

I think you’re jumping around too much into one action into another. And it seems that your just telling us what happened but not allowing us to “be” the character in your story.