[DanHill]

I met her, Shaley Francis, her hair was blondish white. The smell of her perfume was calling me to her as if I was in a dream or a trance.

When I walked in the room she was standing at the open window crying, but she turned around as she herad me come in. She must have though I was an intruder or something like that, the way I came in.

"Detective Wilson," I said as I entered the room. She turned to look at me, her thick whitish hair blowing in the wind of the open window she was standing at.

"Hello Detectiv,e are you here to help?"

"Help with what?" I said finding a chair on the other side of the room, walking over and sitting down.

She stopped crying and walked into the kitchen. She came back out of it with a mug in her hand and handed me the mug with trembling hands then continued, "Help me get over this disease, this psychological decease. All I can think about is my sister and how she got murdered on November the 5th, my best friend shot her. They were having an argument and it got so intense that Angela, her best friend, held up a gun to my sister's head. She said do it, and she did. I will never forgive her for that. I was crying for weeks.” A tear ran down her eye as she tried to cover it by turning away from me.

“It’s ok,” I said getting up from the chair and walking over to her, “Everything is going to be ok.” She turned back around to me. The tear was still there but she wiped it away.

“You think so?” She said looking up at me like a dog would when he was begging.

“Yes, I will help you through this,” I said, just as she leaned up to my lips and kissed me.

I wasn’t expecting it and pulled back. There was silence for about thirty seconds then she turned away from me once more and said, “Sorry I shouldn’t have.”

“It's ok,” I said turning her back around to face me.

“I just wasn’t ready, maybe sometime in the future.”

“Ok,” She said, walking over to a chair at the dining room table and sitting down at it.

“Don’t you want to hear the rest of my story?" She said as I went to the other side of the table and sat down. She told me all about her story and how she thought she had forced her sister into killing her best friend, I said to her that it was all in her mind. It was the argument, I told her, that led to your best friend's death, you didn't make her do anything.

As I walked out of the building and down on the rusted metal steps, I figured another job well done. But as I was walking down the allyway beside the building, a body landed in front of me. It was Shely. I knelt down to see if she was still alive, but it was highly unlikly that she would suvive from a plunge that high. She was dead.

I told the Chief of Police that she was dead. He said that she probably ignored you the whole time you were speaking, or as soon as you left building thought the pyschological episode would happen again. After, he explained that to me he was going to send in the new Detective I would be working with. She walked in, dressed in a leather jacket with a white singlet underneath and short jean pants on.

Her name Alysia.

[xtremelady]

I can tell you have made a concerted effort to improve grammar and spelling – really shows.
Only a few mistakes. N1

"Hello Detectiv,e are you here to help?"

Detective,

As I walked out of the building and down on the rusted metal steps, I figured another job well done. But as I was walking down the allyway beside the building, a body landed in front of me. It was Shely. I knelt down to see if she was still alive, but it was highly unlikly that she would suvive from a plunge that high. She was dead

alleyway
unlikely
survive

thought the pyschological episode

psychological

In the first chapter I got a hint of the characters voice – one that appealed immensely even though I felt needed filling out and more of his thoughts incorporated. There was a hint of something strange and not quite right; I found I could latch onto this.

I guess I did not feel the same spark with this one – the character offered no opinion or personality throughout; and the full picture of what was happening did not become complete.

Lead us through your characters eyes a little. Let us know his impressions; of that he sees – the house – how he feels at being there and at a strange woman trying to kiss him. Does he find this strange, or perhaps he felt embarrassed, or chuffed.

Just some things for you to think about, as I feel you have the potential to develop and enhance your interesting story more fully.

[Peppy]

First off, being fourteen years old, I'll forgive you what you done. Your writing is good and I think you just needed a guideline or something, but I think you ripped off The Number 23 film. This is the book Jim Carrey reads, exactly, with a few alterations involved. This is the "Suicide Blonde" scene.

Even the first chapter, I saw similarities between the movie. The child finds a dead body and the police think it's suicide, that's why he wanted to become a detective.

Yes, yes, I guess it's up to the administrators to decide whether or not keep this up. It could be coincidental, who knows?

(I feel like a jerk for doing this.)

[RENA HANDS]

Do not worry about ‘feeling like a jerk,’ Peppy. We do not want plagiarist here at SM.