[A_Story_Teller]

As I sat at the small table in my one room cabin in the heart of the Olympic Mountains, the clock chimed 1 A.M. The fireplace emitted a warmth as the winter winds blew with a fury. Old man winter was reminding me that I better make sure my seaoned firewood was well tarped and tied down. Earlier this afternoon, I had torn my best flannel workshirt on a nail. I was doing my best to finish the sewing before I headed for bed, but I began to doze off.

Suddenly, the needle pricked my thumb and I jumped, as deep red blood flowed onto my palm. I turned up the oil lamp to examine my finger, and my shirt. I was never very good at sewing, and stuck a finger or thumb more times then I could recall. For the past several nights, I had the peculiar feeling that I was being watched. Watched while I slept, but I knew it was a foolish thought. I meant to buy a curtain for the only window I had ever since I moved in. But it was one of those things that I just neglected to do whenever I was in town.

I was miles from my nearest neighbor I reminded myself. Who would want to come this far down the road, and in the dark? Besides, I would hear their car or truck! As my tongue tasted my own blood, it tasted warm and sweet. Suddenly, I practically jumped out of my skin, when I heard the tapping on my window! I quickly turned and looked and saw no one. I stood up and reluctantly drew closer and closer to the window. My heart was racing as I peered into the darkness, not knowing what to expect to see.

Then, to my disbelief, I saw the most beautiful woman step out of the darkness and look directly into my eyes. Her hair was black, longer then her shoulders and blowing wildly in the wind. She wore a black cape around her shoulders that spread out like wings. Her eyes were trance like, soft, yearning, and I couldn't turn away from her eyes. I watched her bosom rise and fall as her breath turned into a fading mist. She looked down at my bleeding finger with wanton desire. Though she never spoke a word, I could hear her soothing voice. She was calling out to me, sensuously, as she smiled.

"Won't you let me inside my darling, the night is cold? Won't you let me in to sit by the warmth of your fireplace...next to you?" I moved towards the door, unable to resist her desires. As I opened the door, the cold wind chilled my face as she stood before me, as if from a midnight dream. She wore a low cut silky black shirt with a gold chain necklace. I didn't notice the Romanian medallian on the necklace that was centuries old. The tops of each bosom was breath takingly beautiful. With little effort she moved closer towards me, her tongue caressing her pearl white fangs. She licked her ruby lips as she stared at the blood on my thumb.

She took my hand in hers and brought it to her lips. and sucked impatiently. Her eyes rolled with passion, a passion I had never seen in a woman's eyes before. She savored my sweetness for the longest time, and then, she stepped inside and closed the door behind her. She unhooked her cape and let it fall to the floor, as she held me in her arms. She held me close to her, as her tongue caressed my neck. I felt the room spinning around and around.

I leaned my neck away from her as her lips opened and I felt her fangs stroke my skin, seeking my vein, as we both sighed. Little did I know what was about to happen, nor did I care at that moment. When her fangs found my vein, she gripped me passionately, as I pulled her even closer, as my life flowed between her warm lips anxiously. When she released me and stepped back, a small trickle of blood escaped her lips, but only for a moment. Her finger caught the drops and she licked her finger excitedly.

In a moment we were lying in bed entwined as she sang a soothing song to me, in a language I didn't know. Her voice was entrancing, for she was welcoming me into the darkness of her world. A world of the full moon, of roaming the forest, and near by farms and towns for daywalker's to feed upon. Always mindful of the morning's sunrise. Anxious to retreat to the world of darkness where we would be safe. As she turned her neck to me she urged me to feast, whispering, "Soon, my love, you and I will be as one. I will teach you to hunt, to take which is ours. I will show you things that you never dreamed possible. I will give you life, and as the centuries pass, we will be mate's for eternity. I will free you of your earth bound restraints. Drink of my blood, my darling!"

© 2004 Raymond Brown (All rights reserved)

[maxaynjj]

What else can I say but EXCELLENT!

I enjoyed it and look forward to more!

[lizmarienv]

I think I'm learning as the years go by that you should never trust pretty woman in black capes. Well done!

[automan]

I liked the story. The problems I see are mechanical in nature. You have an over use of nouns. Once you establish something is yours or belonging to you, there is no need to keep hammering them in. Let me give you a few examples:

As I sat at the small table in my one room cabin in the heart of the Olympic Mountains, the clock chimed 1 A.M. The fireplace emitted a warmth as the winter winds blew with a fury. Old man winter was reminding me that I better make sure my seaoned firewood was well tarped and tied down. Earlier this afternoon, I had torn my best flannel workshirt on a nail. I was doing my best to finish the sewing before I headed for bed, but I began to doze off.

Let's just use that last sentence as an example. You could easily have said, "I was doing my best to finish the sewing before heading to bed, but began to doze off." I could have worded it differently, but wanted to keep your framing.

Suddenly, the needle pricked my thumb and I jumped, as deep red blood flowed onto my palm. I turned up the oil lamp to examine my finger, and my shirt.

I won't go through each paragraph, but hope you see what I am saying. When you try to remove the nouns, it is easier to naturally be more descriptive.

[RENA HANDS]

I think…The top of each bosom was…

Did you intend…and sucked impatiently.?(you have a period before “and.”

What about…

as my life anxiously flowed between her warm lips. ?

I think you mean…

I will free you of your earthly bound restraints.?

Possibly take out "bound."


A very interesting story. There could be more extended details and dialogue. But a very fascinating story.

[marty2shorty]

Fantastic story! I love the fact that you did not use the word vampire the whole story.
Best vampire story I've read.
I also love that you told the story with only one line of dialog.
The images thrown into my head were detailed. I actually got scared reading this at night and thinking of someone tapping on my window.
Points for scaring me, turning me on, and telling a good story.
Thank you A_Story_Teller.

[parker2k]

I found the story very enjoyable, and I think that you have written a very descriptive piece which made it very easy to picture the characters. Looking at the other comments I have to say that I'd like to write a story in the first person but I bet is really hard not to put in a lot of my and I'm and I's when you are trying to write in that style. Although I can understand what AutoMan is getting at with the easier flow of words when these are taken away. All in all though I found it enjoyable. Thanks for sharing.

[Zoidberg]

That was an excellent story! I wasn't sure what to expect from the title at first.

If someone where to be attacked (err, seduced) by a vampire, I am pretty sure this would be how it felt like. Nice job!

Ya know, there's no classic vampires around anymore. People tend to go for the more monstrous speedy vampire instead of the classic charming one. Yay for nostalgia!

[Gus2.0]

That was a really good vampire story. Its really strange on how easily he decided to open up the door. It amazing what a pretty women can make you do.

There was one mistake that caught my eye...

I better make sure my seaoned firewood was...

Shouldn't it be "seasoned" not "seaoned"?

It seems like all the vampires now a days just want to kill the people. How stupid could they be! They should add to their bloodthirsty alliance! But they never seem to stand straight up out of coffins without using their feet anymore.

Otherwise...it was great.

[Themis Fallidas]

A traditional vampire story very well written! Your story could be the beginning of a dark romance novel. The only thing missing here is the background of your "vampire queen". I'm sure she is full of myths and legends and i would like to read a short profile description about her lonely quest for blood and companionship through her darkest hours. But, anyway, you can easily put all these in the next episode of your story. I say that this was a fine introduction and i'm expecting to read the rest of it, because i'm sure you have a great story to tell us!

[Peppy]

Originally Posted by Themis Fallidas

A traditional vampire story very well written!

He beat me to the punch. I was going to say the same thing. It is traditional, it kind of remind me of "The Drifting Snow" by August Derleth. The beginning was classical spooky, but as I went deeper into the story, the tone was lost, the tone became sensual, not that I have a problem with that, it is afterall a vampire story, but I think you should have eased it in that direction instead of rushing to it.

Still, it was well-written, though it needs some fixing up, but not major fixing.

Good read, Story.

[Lilyfaery]

I really enjoyed your story. When I first saw the title I thought it was going to be a ghost story but I really liked that it turned out to be a vampire story. It was very well written and interesting to read.

[Mrs._Lovett13]

This has everything that a great story requires, except it does not have conflict and a resolution. Unless it is an introduction. Overall I loved it.