[Enreg]

The story is a bit much, If it was a part of a bigger story i could see. We have no idea what is going on, how the girls got there. It needs a bit more info. on the people. Like i said, if its apart of a bigger story I would like to read it. It almost seems like a Movie.

[Hoolicatt]

Cheesy, too quick. You need to elaborate, where you captured them, how you did such, detail is everything.

[Syrah]

I think this piece is a great tidbit. Something that stirs up controversy at every angle. To point or not to point..... Heck. It even brought up Bush, Manson AND rollarcoasters. Hmm. I actually give this more credit because of all the debate surrounding it, hehe.

[blogster]

My mind tends to wonder if people truely think from the state of mind as it is satisfying to make the hole for a soul to escape. It is a sad demented place to be that is full of hurt and destruction.

Well written, however i could not find it entertaining. I have beed close to those who swung axes and had to deal with the images of murdered dismembers body parts and carpets stained with lifeless blood.

[dingoxxx]

i think it's sick but good writting foxboy!

Syrah's right about this. Controversy is the best way to be recognised I believe. I thought it was failry well written and you have a sick mind, lol. The last paragraph was amusing. I wouldn't call this piece 'fun', but it's definitely something different and I think you've done a good job.

[S.Coristine]

Violence for the sake of violence has never really impressed me. Sure he's "killing sinners" so we're to believe that in some way this is a religious or morally motivated execution, but that's hardly a convincing reason. I think a little bit more background, and a bit more consistency (he rapes and then kills the sinners?) would help quite a bit.

As is, it's just violence which really doesn't do all that much for me.

[Climber87]

I liked the description of the killings but I felt no meaning behind them whatsoever. I would suggest giving the killer a motive by providing him with more backstory. Try to give the story more plot other than just a guy killing some girls.

[RENA HANDS]

The story was filled with much description of both the victims and the weapons.
The story was also filled with many grammatical and punctuation errors,
was that intentional?

[Acidictinomen]

It's bloody, it's gory, it leaves some sick to their stomach, but what else? I mean, fine, you like to write in a way that sounds as brutal as all hell, but there are more artistic ways to do that. Lay a background for the event. I mean develop your killer, let him have a story. And if you want it to be as picturesque as possible, try using some more appealing words. Such as "Her fetid corpse filled the room with its putrid stench." Just think it could use a bit more effort.

[Corneac]

Yes, I agree. The descriptions of the murders was well done, but the charcters and plot didn't have any real substance. You creted controversy over the violence, but wouldn't cotroversy be better if it was fuelled over the need for the violence aka why they were commited? You saythat the three 'whores' were 'sinners', why don't you elaboarte on this idea...create a backstory for the killer? The victims? By backing it up with the strongly descripted murder scene, you would have a real gem. It was well wriiten though, good creative writing skill

[Phonoho]

No match for Rob Zombie. His villians at least had an agenda.

[MrFrench85]

great descriptions. i know you were just going for a short and sweet little description story for this particular piece, but i would encourage you to try using your description skill and bring it into a larger story. i really think you could make something sick and twisted and not just "run of the mill"

[Aura]

Yay! I thougt it was pretty good. Yes, it was twisted and pretty gory but was it gory enough for me to lose my lunch? nope. I'm still here eating BK lol. what can I say I have a solid stomach lmao. I like it though and I don't think it needed a well thought out plot its plain as day that it wasn't meant to be long. Um... that's all I got!

[Nephilim]

absolutely fucking disgusting...but well done

i liked a few things in this story that seemed small compared to the gore, but here they are nonetheless

i liked how the character's motive was unusual. they were "whores" and he was "freeing" them. that added to the horror of the situation, as we are clear that he is no where near sane. maybe even if his emotions had religious connotation, it would be creepier, cuz evangelists have been known to do some crazy shit.

also, for me maybe the creepiest thing of this, is the last lines. he goes upstairs, washes off, then sits to eat and watch Tv. this guy would seem fucking normal to everyone else! hell, we could see him everyday and not pay him a second thought. he could be in this room right now (if i werent alone in here...or am i?)


but still, very graphic, which seems to be something you enjoyed in writing this story. an idiot may compare you to the character, but i think that it took major skill to reach that deep into a psycho's psyche and pull out a story like this. i dont know if you ever saw 8mm, but it was reminiscent of that, except much more brutal and unforgiving.

in this, there was no protagonist. the rapist was the only constant character, so the reader is forced to associate with him, which would scare the strongest among us (but probably not the strangest)

keep writing insightful work, but remember to cater to an audience too squeemish to read this. *(that's not me, ive taken a tour of the LA morgue. i saw bodies of girls like this, ive seen people who have been dead for 2 weeks before they were found. this one dude got his foot stuck in his pool and drowned. he was under for a week, and he was brought in the day i walked through. that shits sick, but its desensitized me...)

[Odanion]

I agree with a lot of people here...you warn that it is gory...but to have real gore...you need a lot more discription in it about the gore parts...plus to make a scene gory...dont just say *I stabbed her and watched her bleed* you could try *I drove the blade through her stomach, enjoying the drowned out gasp of pain, finaly twisting the blade I pulled it out watching how the blood seemed to drip from it like an eerie red poison.* description is the key to all

[RENA HANDS]

Gorey, is this an English spelling?

What about saying in the synopsis…It’s a wickedly twisted tale…?

What about just saying

…, they’d become sick.?

What about saying

…hard enough not to draw blood.?

What about

…I stabbed the dagger to a whore’s neck.?

If not then it should be…to one of the whores’ necks. (I think.)

..eachother should be separated…each other.

Again…each other.

What about…I slit her throat in lieu of I cut ones throat.?

It should be…the second… Or just say…The second sinner fell to the floor.?

What is arf?

What about…

As she laid(lie) on her back the blood spewed, gushed oozed from her serrated stomach.?

(Choose only one word of course.)

Then capitalize…The blood spattered in…(Originally you had “the…”)

Obviously, this story caught my attention again. So…definitely a wicked sense of humor though violent story it is…I would have extended the details and dialogue more. But that’s me. Just to be even more evil/humorous why not say the advertisement for Family Guy was blaring, I needed to rush so that I wouldn’t miss my favorite show.?

[Coadmaster]

well, it was a bit too short. more description to the gore and mess would be very nice. Overall, not bad! but maybe you could explain how they got there, what the killer's motivation is, etc.

[kominbhai]

The story is very sick...and I didnt understand the motive behind the killings
But its short and crisp and entertaining, neverhtless

[Debaser]

" unknotted and slid the blondfolds from their... " Ok is blondfolds an intentional pun or a typo?

Aside from that, I think Hitchcock said it best when he said that if you just show a bomb blow up a bunch of people it is much less interesting than showing a bomb under a table that is about to blow up a bunch of people. In other words, your story was a fine description of a sick person carving up some victims, but if we knew anything at all about the victims or the killer, it would be infinitely more interesting... Gore, in and of itself, is not nearly as interesting as suspense ( a fact that a lot of modern horror film makers might want to take note of).

[Other]

I liked it but it could have been ALOT goryer. But still enjoyable. Well done.

[blackartifice]

i don't really think there needs to be a 'point' to an essay; it can simply capture the moment of that killer. But to give value to a piece of descriptive writing, that moment must be truly well-crafted with well-etched characterizations and emotions.

[Sith Lord Jim]

Originally Posted by blackartifice

i don't really think there needs to be a 'point' to an essay; it can simply capture the moment of that killer. But to give value to a piece of descriptive writing, that moment must be truly well-crafted with well-etched characterizations and emotions.

I was under the impression this was a story rather than an essay. Maybe Im taking what your saying the wrong way, and you are actually saying that this should have more of a point. If so my bad