[story_gal]

Doug was sitting at home boerd. He was just about to gall asleep when his cell phone rang. His cell phone was old, really old. His grandfather had givien it to him. He picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Is this Doug Tred?" asked the voice.

"Yea, what do you want?" Doug asked.

"I was wondering, are you home alone?"

Doug stood shocked. Why did he want to know this? Sure Doug was home alone. He was always told not to tell anyone that.

"umm.. no, Doug," Doug said holding the phone back up to his ear.

"You are lying," the voice said.

Doug dropped the phone. How did he know all of this? Was he spying at the window? Doug picked the phone back up.

"Why do you want to know?" Doug yelled.

"Oh I have my rights."

"How so?" replied Doug.

"If I told you that, I would have to kill you."

"I can take it old man."

"Not with my powers you can't."

Doug pressed the off button and threw the phone down. He had no calls until the next night. His parents were gone off to an opera and he was alone. Doug had forotten the man, and he picked up the phone when it rang.

"Hello?" said Doug.

"Hello," came the raspy voice that was familiar.

"This is Doug right?"

"Yes."

"Well are you home alone yet?"

Doug then remembered the phone call last night.

'LEAVE ME ALONE," cried Doug.

Just then, the door burst open. There was a man there. Doug screamed.. He had a knife to his parents.

That is how I will kill you came the raspy voice he knew so well.
To be continued.....

[DarkPower]

I have to say it needs a lot of work. You dont need to tell us how old dougs phone is unless that has a significance to something in the story which from what I gather it doesnt.

The whole story was not as good as it could be and though I did want to know why that was happening I didnt feel the need to read more. It doesnt catch the reader enough for them to want to read the rest. Curiosity of course makes me want to but I dont feel that i am willing to wait until you write the rest.

Doug seemed a little young. how old is he?

[rjd_39]

em, a bit.......confusing.

[Peppy]

This is wierd. I think it needs more emotion. I guess...

Any-hoo, the ending made me giggle abit. HEE HEE HEE

P.S. It's not confusing... too me anyway.

[Sith Lord Jim]

"gall asleep " - fall
"givien" - given
"How did he know all of this?" - change to "How did he know that?" It doesnt work in the story the way you have it.
It needs to be expanded on. In its current format there is not much of a storyline. We have no idea what is going on really. Write more.
Yours truly Jimmy

[Storiesmaniac]

Yes write more would be the general conclusion, also meat it out, i mean write more, but exaond on what you write so that we have descriptions and a fairly good idea of the setting. Don't go overboard, but at the moment you havent really given us anything.

[Dark Kitten]

As previous commentors have stated, there are a lot of things going on with this story... To me it seems like a really badly acted play, I can imagine the actors saying all this and it still doesnt make sense. There is too much dialouge and not enough description of what is going on, there is almost no flow between the timeframe that this is happening in and the end made me go "WHAT..." A knife to his parents? weren't his parents out? But anyhow, I'm just confused by the whole thing. Some helpful hints would be to make the changes that Jimmy advised as I would have said the same, and to write more in the way of explanation as stated above. Your idea could be good, just needs some work, don't give up!

[RENA HANDS]

You did catch your own misspelling? The word are bored, given, fall and forgotten. The dialogue is hasty but still forgotten must be spelled out.

Now for my questions; were the parents not away? What is the age of the main character? Why is there no little pause between conversation? Why is the action being rushed. There is climax to action but this is just rushed.

I have an answer for the missing parents. The assailant kidnapped them after leaving the house? I suggest as others have, expand more to the characters and even more actions to the characters also.

Needs to flesh it out. Put more emotion into it. The writer has to 'be' the protaganist.

Originally Posted by DarkPower

I have to say it needs a lot of work. You dont need to tell us how old dougs phone is unless that has a significance to something in the story which from what I gather it doesnt.

The whole story was not as good as it could be and though I did want to know why that was happening I didnt feel the need to read more. It doesnt catch the reader enough for them to want to read the rest. Curiosity of course makes me want to but I dont feel that i am willing to wait until you write the rest.

Doug seemed a little young. how old is he?

[bb17bb17]

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I understand the ending.... From what I see it looks like Doug's trying to kill his parents and the guy on the phone is taunting him saying he's going to do things to freak him out.... Is that right?

You have a few spelling mistakes in the first paragraph.

I think you should tell a little bit more about Doug in the next one. Kinda like a background story to why he's home alone and how old he is.

Other than that, good job. I want to read the next one.

[blackartifice]

This story has alot of potential and we can expect something dramatic to happen by the next chapter but really, you may want to consider adding more characterisation to the various characters and be more descriptive. This is to create more visual impact for the reader. Go stronger on the emotional description. Put yourself into the shoes of Doug. How would you react and feel if you were him?

[Timmay]

i'm all for abrupt endings (when my frigin story is finally posted you will know that) but this was way to pointless in its monalouge. That's a problem kuz this is almost all talking. Just needs a little more work. out of curiosity, how do you post a new thread?

[marty2shorty]

Well, first of all, you had a spelling error in the first line! Uh, first sentence! And then some.
Also use of the name Doug, it was confusing how the two main characters were both named Doug.
I was also kind of unrealistic. If you got this call (or at least if I got this call) I wouldn't be immediately shocked. My friends pull pranks on me like this all the time.
Of course by the second call, its serious, but I just don't believe Doug (or what ever his name is) would drop a phone. Then to make it a little worse, he immediately gets the phone off the ground and starts talking again. Now if you think about that... real hard... its kind of unusual.
Also the killer, he is really wierd. If the killer had the parents hostage, then why did he have to reassure himself that Doug was alone by calling?!?! And if he knew Doug lied, his first question would've been a waste of breath wouldn't it?
This also seems a lot like the movie, "When A Stranger Calls".
It needs work, because, it can be better.
I hope you noticed that had you not double spaced, my comment is almost just as long.
P.S. Also, the description of his phone was better than he, himself (Doug).

[Mizurio]

wow that is quite a good story there, but i do have a few hinsts of advice. such as add more discriptions to your writing and use more elaborate words here is an example:

" doug swiftly pressed the botton and threw the phone down in shear horror. wondering if the phone would ring a gain. But, fortunatly it did not giving doug a since of relieve that moved over his body clensing hime of fear and bitter terror."

But your writing is a good start. you also have a good dialoge in your story. But there should be an equal amount of discription ans there is dialoge.

and one las t thing, you shold finish your stories instead of having a clif hanger. Not to many people like cliff hangers

[Masa]

A possibly good story here, but I am unsure of the background as well as the plots behind it. I bet with a bit of description, detail, perhaps a quick anaylisis of the charater Doug might help. Unless of course this was meant to be an all-guess story, if it is, then good work, cause you got me guessing!

[RosettaStoned07]

Ehhh....I didn't like this one that much.

The diction was poor, and the storyline was way too unoriginal. Everyone knows how this is going to end:
Doug will realize the person calling is really a killer, and then, BAM! He'll be dead, and most likely his parents will, too. Unless by some miraculous force he fends off the alleged killer and survives, which would probably make for a better ending rather than him being killed.

This just seems like some bulletin you'd see being passed around on Myspace, and at the end it'd say "IF YOU DON'T REPOST THIS IN ONE SECOND YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WILL BE KILLED IN THEIR SLEEP TONIGHT!"

Lame.
Sorry, just my opinion.

a little bit too much dialouge

[Nephilim]

this story was...well, nothing. i mean, there was a sort of plot arc, but it was more a series of "and thens" that dont really hold the story together at all. its a tired idea thats been used past the point of entertainment. look for something more original.

the dialogue was passable.
"Why do you want to know?" Doug yelled.

"Oh I have my rights."

...what? the next line should be "that doesnt answer my question..."

there needs to be more background. who is doug. why is this guy after him? why is the guy a creep and a murdered. at least some of this should be answered.

misspelling in the first sentance. punctuation problames are everywhere. take it back, flesh it out, make an actual story out of it, and it will end up 100x better.


"not with my powers you cant"

sorry, i actually laughed at taht one.

maybe it should have just been his friend messing with him or soemthing...

[jason]

Good effort but it seemed a bit cliched and you need to work on describing atmosphere.

[~HorseHeart~]

well what i have to say about it is that i like it it is a good paice but i say u shouldaddmore emotion and drama but take unimportant things oyut like the cell phone.....it was a waste of time to read something that meant nothing also the ending i saw cheese it up a bit something like 'a storm came around and thunder and lightning took out the power and it was dark and h esat alone in his living room. Suddenly, a flash of lightning was at the window nad he saw the shadow of a man then it left as fast as it came. The nteh phone rang again! it was the same man calling again but his voice didnt come out of the phone.....it was behind him. He jumped up and flipped around to see the man, holding his parents with a knife to their neck and a gag around their mouths' well okay i was being a bit weird but its late but something dramatic long like that horror is a short easy word for suspence which is what i want SUSPENCE!!!! well yeah im just weird but still if you worked on it to make it dramaticand full of suspence to hold the audience then it would be just fine ^^

[maxaynjj]

There is a lot missing, I was a bit confused with the last few paragraphs. I think you need to take your time and give us more of a description of what he is seeing to put us in the room with him.

[Themis Fallidas]

The first scene of a story you should continue writing, in my opinion. I must say i liked the title very much, but there is no mystery so far with this phone call! A serial killer maybe? If yes, you have exposed him very easily. You need to think about his motives, what is he after, his inner world. Creating a strong character is the most important thing, more important than the idea for a story. Try to work on your characters first and then on the plot.