[Notime4awatch]

Dark Night


The night was incredibly dark with the hint of a chill to it. The couple made their way down the dark and almost deserted stretch of highway.

“Mike, are you sure, we’re heading in the right direction”?

“Damn it Linda, if you ask me that again I swear I’m going to slug you!”

Linda sat back in her seat, knowing from past experience that Mike would be true to his word if provoked any farther. Even though it was obvious that they were lost, Mike refused to listen to his wife.

“I don’t need some damn woman telling me what to do. I wear the fucking pants in my family." I’d rather stay lost for the next hour instead of telling her that she’s right, he thought to himself.

The road seemed to stretch for miles, it had been a full hour since they had seen another car. Linda turned to Mike and pleaded with him.

“Mike I think we need to turn around right now, we are obviously lost.”

“What the hell is that?” Mike said aloud as the car screeched to a halt. Linda caught herself before she smashed into the dashboard.

“Michael what’s the matter with you, are you crazy?” Mike didn’t respond, instead he looked straight ahead…eyes wide with fear and anticipation.

“Mike honey what’s wrong?" Linda’s eyes followed the direction of her husband’s.

“Mother of God, she breathed between cracked lips. The figure most have stood nine feet, it’s long arms hung loosely at it’s sides. The headlights shined into two deep dark hollow holes where the eyes were suppose to be. The face of the monstrous beast was pasty white and void of all life. Linda let out a small scream.

“For god sakes Michael let’s get the hell out of here.” Linda cried out. The creature lifted a monstrous hand and placed it on the hood of the car, which caused it to shake from side to side. The pasty white face of the creature leaned down and looked closer into the car. A hellish smile spread across it’s ghostly face.

“Do something damn you, Michael.”

Mike’s sweaty hand gripped the steering wheel; fear had seized him and refused to let him go. The dark figure moved around the car towards the driver side and reached for the doorknob. Mike quickly slammed his hand against the lock. The gashtly figure gripped the door handle tightly and began to shake it irately and with one mighty pull the door came off it’s hinges. Mike screamed in terror. Twisted white fingers snaked forward and grabbed Mike around the throat. The beast pulled Mike from the car and held him close enough for him to smell it’s pungent breath. Slime oozed from it’s teeth and dribbled unto Mike’s shoes.

“Please God, don’t kill me, please God don’t kill me." The words flowed from Mike’s mouth in a jumble. The creature cocked its head to the side and let out a hideous laugh. A voice from the depths of hell came form the creatures mouth. God! God! “Will your precious god save you on this night?” The creature bellowed.

[Lubesh]

I have re formatted your piece and also corrected some punctuation which u drift in and out of .......please God don't kill me". as opposed to ." Also u told us the night was dark but repeat it 'along the dark highway. And is this all there is, it seems to stop very abruptly.......There is not much in the way of detail whether it be backgound, perosnal or substance other than they encounter someting....then nothing.

[BookWhale***]

Good start lubesh... Write the next chapter...

[Project Blue]

i basically think the same as lubesh on this one...it does not set a fine picture of what is going on in the story in my mind, and the grammar and punctuation are still slightly off...starts off kinda like Children of the Corn, with a lost married couple whose bond is falling apart...with things speeding along as such, i don't see how you'll have any time to give us any back story on this at all. all very flat, but if this is like one of your first pieces, not too bad.

[Peppy]

I like this your story.

The creature is awesome. Will you write anymore or is that it?

[Sith Lord Jim]

"provoked any farther" - dont quote me on this but i believe it should be 'further'
"figure most " - must
"God! God! “Will your precious god save you on this night?” " - the God! God! is that being said by the creature? If so put it in -.
Yours truly Jimmy

[Storiesmaniac]

Yes way way to quick, but then again as has already been said if this is your first peice you did a good job. i like the lines

“Damn it Linda, if you ask me that again I swear I’m going to slug you!”

Linda sat back in her seat, knowing from past experience that Mike would be true to his word if provoked any farther.

[Dark Kitten]

I think your character personality development was great, when some people write it's like their characters are robots, they SAY their reactions rather that DOING them. In this aspect with your couple as well as getting a glimpse of the creature's attitude with his obvious resentment/belittling of God the story has a good backdrop. There are technical issues that need to be addressed, Jimmy pointed most of those out, the God God thing at the end could probably use his suggestion. Overall, like the others have said, if its one of your first it's a pretty great start! Keep up the writing you have a knack, the technical stuff will come later and with more practice and helpful comments from fellow writers, like myself! hehe ~DK

[maxaynjj]

I liked this story a lot and I anticipate more to come, only I needed more of a description of the creature. Was it human like vampire or wolf?

A great read otherwise. Another chapter please.

[crackdaddy]

the sentence

The night was incredibly dark

seemed a little superfluous (is that the word im looking for?) and/or unnecessary right underneath the title "Dark night". in fact, the word dark seemed to come up quite a bit. I'd suggest using some other synonyms, there's gotta be hundreds for "dark".

when Mike stopped right in front of the creature, I found myself wondering why he didnt immediately back up or go around it. This was explained somewhat when you said

fear had seized him and refused to let him go.

but then he apparently still had the presence of mind to engage the lock when the beast came around.

that said, good job with the description of the monster and the dialogue. those were pretty strong.

[RENA HANDS]

Mike, are you sure, we’re heading in the right direction?

(The question mark was outside originally.)

The figure most have stood nine feet,

I think you mean…The figure must have stood nine feet,

Interesting story, lacks details and still it entertains the reader’s mind.
Will you be writing more to it?

[J. M. Hutson]

Good story, liked the fact that the charactors responded to what was going on with more than
just words, as stated above. The open end left me hanging, but i dont see any situation where the
guy would surivive, unless the women pulled a gun out of the glove box and shot the monster or something lol. anything, good piece.

[Enreg]

I fine this story hard to follow at points. I feel that better works could have been used.

An example:
"The figure most have stood nine feet,..." - The whole description was hard to follow.

The other points have been brought up already...

This story reminds me of JeepersCreepers..... Scary movie *hides under a blanket*

[Themis Fallidas]

Well, this was a promising start for a short story. I think that it is right to set up a strong scene first, which you did, in order to grab our attention. What i wanted, more of this, was a more descriptive and emotional narration, with pictures and flavours of the scenery. You know, the night is a great concept and always gives us the appropriate images and words to create the proper atmosphere.

Anyway, your story seems to be just a scene and not a part, the introduction to the main plot. It seems great for a movie trailer, if you know what i mean, but it does not give the reader a clue about what is going on and what is going to happen next. In my opinion you could work on that scene, starting from the characters, in order to develop it.

[Mickey]

Woah.....

That was good, I loved it! Very Creepy.

[Hurricane]

I agree witrh lubesh but besides that I thought it was great story. Keep writing because I don't like to be left hanging on a story.