[One_Man_Band]

Synopsis : A killer stalks his next victim, but all is not what it seems...

My footsteps echoed through the alleyway, the darkness made me invisible. It's been three days since my last, the anticipation of another filled my veins with adrenaline. The crescendo of my size twelve boots warned the girl that danger was only an inch away

I backed off into the darkness, she looked around seeing no one, hearing no one, sensing no one.

I liked to play with them, teasing my prey, making them feel safe right before I showed them the full meaning of "deaths best friend."

The alleyway opened up onto a crossroad, she turned left. I hugged the wall until its edge fell away. I peeked my head around the corner: she walked up to a car, arched over and talked into the driver's window. The streetlight above showered light down onto the chrome of the car and the face of the girl.

I looked around to see if anybody else was on or near the crossroads.

"Ahhhh... I told you we are done, we are over...leave me alone!." The girl screamed out.

My prey had found another hunter, this would not do. He had to be shown who the king of this concrete jungle was.

"Hey! Leave her alone" I shouted towards the car.

The girl looked over to me, her back straightened and a hand moved back inside the car. She ran to me, flailing about.

"Mr. you don't know who is in that car, you don't know how dangerous he is! Get out of here while you still can!"

He doesn't know who I am, I thought to myself.

I looked at the car, the driver's door opened, the man stepped out, I recognized his face with one look. He owned the streets and alleyways I had been walking on, this concrete jungle was his...Augustus Tye the kingpin of Hell's kitchen... I had seen a king.

He wasn't a natural heir to the throne, he conquered the streets of L.A. Bloodshed won him his kingdom

The suit that Tye wore was custom tailored to fit a bull's physique, it was only coincidence that it fit him so well. The streetlight glistened off the top of his balding head.

He walked my way, a steely glazed look overcame his face, he was ready for war. I was ready to surrender. The fear of his presence had clouded my thoughts. I would not surrender I would fight and I would win, because I had one advantage over him. I was already dead.

Tye threw his coat to the ground, revealing a white silk shirt worth more then my car.

He swung with his left, I ducked underneath it, then uppercutted to his stomach with my left. The impact of my punch took him by surprise. Tye let go a fury of punches, I managed to block only a few. I fell to the ground, my trench coat ripped and was in ruin, the blood would have been hard to wash out anyway.

I picked myself up and charged at Tye and I hit him like a Mac truck, I pushed him against a wall. I had him pinned. It was time to surprise him again. My thirst had taken over, it had been three days since I last drank the blood of an innocent. I drove my fangs into Tye's neck. This time the blood that gushed into my mouth was not innocent, far from it. I let go of Tye, he fell to the ground not moving.

I walked over to the girl, she was shimmering from the cold night air. She hadn't run away, had she not noticed that I was a Vamp?

"Are you alright?" I inquired

"Yes, I'll be ok, but I think you're in more trouble than me."

She pointed towards the alleyway wall where I left Tye. He was not there. Had I just given the greatest gift that a king could ever want? Immortality.

"Do you think I pissed him off?" I asked the girl.

"I think you did champ."

"What's your name? I said wondering, wondering if the hole I just dug for myself was worth saving her life for."

"Crystal."

"Sure...now what is your real name?"

"Michelle Baptiste."

"Is that French?"

"It is if you want it to be champ."

"Come with me ill show you what I want."

I lead Michelle off to my apartment, still not sure in my mind if I would make her my next meal, or my next conquest. But one thing is for sure I have earned my nickname, Tye has an eternity to kill and to rule the streets. Death's best friend I truly am.

[Lubesh]

Just a few things for you to look over and correct.

It’s been three days since my last, the anticipation of another filled my veins with adrenaline. .....last what?

'footsteps' used within a short time repeatedly ...look for alternatives?
this could not do......'would not do

change of tense...He had to be shown who the king of this concrete jungle is.....was not is

Get out of here why you still can!”..while you still can

repetition again this time 'towards the car..the girl turned towards him etc

This could be rephrased to amke more sense as with most,

He didn’t rise to the throne from being an heir, he conquered the streets of L.A. through blood shed he got his kingdom......

He wasn't a natural heir to the throne, he conquered the streets of L.A. Bloodshed won him his kingdom.....perhaps

I’m already dead..I was already dead.u keep switching tense from past to present...here also
did she not notice ......had she not noticed

“Yes, ill be ok, but I think you’re in more trouble then me.” .......I'll...and it's 'than' not then..'than' indicates a difference whereas 'then' is an indication of time.e.g. I will watch tv then go to bed.


I was ready to surrender. The fear of his presence had clouded my thoughts. I would not surrender I would fight and I would win, because I had one advantage over him. I’m already dead.

all of that doesn't make sense because 1, he is a vampire and 2, as u say, already dead. Why would a mere mortal even Tye..cause him the slightest of doubts?

[One_Man_Band]

Ive made all the suggested changes except:

"it’s been three days since my last, the anticipation of another filled my veins with adrenaline"

"Last what?" you said, thats the kind of reaction that i want, since this line is in the first paragraph the reader does not yet know that the main character is a vampire. "since my last" gives the reader a little hint about the main character. It goes towards creating a sense of mystery around him.

[Lubesh]

ok fair point...still a few things in there such as ..'would' not do...u have this 'could' not do etc ...take another look please
also then as opposed to than......

[One_Man_Band]

is this better, if not tell me which then's you refer to

[Lubesh]

Originally Posted by One_Man_Band

is this better, if not tell me which then's you refer to

hi, much better. I have underlined the offending wotsit. I hope you appreciate that to simply fix most of this as we edit defeats the object regarding ur work....in other words I am not picking on you lol..

[One_Man_Band]

lol yeah i appreciate what your doing, i dont think your picking on moi

[Lubesh]

moi....me...how many times sheesh.lol

[One_Man_Band]

leave me alone lol

[One_Man_Band]

Anyone care to comment on my story?

[superbum]

“What’s your name? I said wondering, wondering if the hole I just dug for myself was worth saving her life for.


That's missing a "

Enjoyable, but it seems more like an exert than a full story.

[Vincentii]

While I have always throroughly loathed the "modern vampire/gangster in urban environment"-scene this one has a strange appeal. Now this appeal comes mostly from the fact that I see in it some traces of my own style. It is perverse in that you place yourself as author in the first person, thus giving the reader the strange feeling as if you yourself really do want to do the things you state. It is delightfully outré and liberating to give the reader such thoughts and to toy with their beliefs as an author.

Well done.

[Lubesh]

Originally Posted by superbum

"What's your name? I said wondering, wondering if the hole I just dug for myself was worth saving her life for.


That's missing a "

Enjoyable, but it seems more like an exert than a full story.

all fixed.

[One_Man_Band]

more comments please...

[Ambrose]

I like this. I was curious from the start about the man following the girl, and I like the perspective you gave. The situation with the girl arguing with the faceless man in the car, and then the narrator showing up was easy to visualize. And then you presented the real bad guy with skill. I like the bit about the street light glistening on his bald head. Also, the dialogue felt really authentic to me, especially the part where the narrator speaks with girl after the bald dude leaves.

"Is that French?"

"It is if you want it to be champ."

Heh. Great stuff.

[Ravane]

This tye guy vaguely reminds me of mr.T. lol. Good job. I should try writing a horror story. My mandrake curse already seems to be getting to the point of horror.

[Syrah]

I rather enjoyed reading this. I liked the bit of the two big bads facing off. Although I think it might've been amusing to see the Kingpin trump a vamps a** hehe

Although the vampire in the city thing is not new, this was a nice quick read I found fairly entertaining. You're descriptions are OK. Brief but ok. There were a few instances where I felt you put some unnecessary commas, making your sentence structure a little strange. For example: "The alleyway opened up onto a crossroad, she turned left." Personally, I would have put a full stop there, or an 'and'. That's just personal preference but I don't think it flowed right.

You describe the fight scene quite well. I wanted a little more on it though as it seemed the bald guy should have put up a better fight, lol.

Your dialogue was not the best, but overall this story is good for a quick, action-filled read.

[Wordsmyth]

I'm not sure about this one. When found out he was a vampire I felt a little let down. WHy a vampire. WHy not a good old fashioned bad ass serial killer. lol

Really though, I agree that you did pretty good with the fight scene. Over all I felt a little cheated. I felt like I was reading an excerpt from a novel that they put in the front of the book to catch your attention. Like maybe this is a small part of a larger story.

[Climber87]

Although this was a good story I felt it was too "scene heavy" though it probably was because of the short length of the story. I would have liked to see a little more in the story. I realize that it was trying to keep the true identity of the narrator concealed until the end, but I feel it accounted for a slight feel of choppiness in some spots. Also I feel him calling himself a "Vamp" didn't work so well. I would actually use the whole word "vampire" instead or try leaving it out. Try not actually mentioning that he is a vampire because it is pretty obvious as it is.

[Iscariot]

I liked it for the most part. There were a few areas where I became repulsed from the world though. When the vampire was afraid of Tye, I felt that it