[JirQUEST]

Synopsis: A new trading card for Jack

Jack's obsession with his trading cards was unequalled. Since early 1999, he had been collecting them fervently. Everyday, he would spend a good two hours just looking at them and sorting them out neatly. His collection - after a year - amounted to four well-stocked albums, each containing 200 cards. He had spent a small fortune on them. However, his wallet and bank account never went bust from his continuous buying spree. After all, it was his mother who funded his proud collection. She did not mind his obsession with his cards. Not when he still came home with a report card boasting four As out of six subjects. Although she did not understand his obsession with the stupid and unattractive Anarchy cards, she felt it was all right for Jack to amass as many as he wanted, so long as he continued his good studying record. To her, Jack was still a good student and a good son. But what she did not notice was that recently, her good son had been skipping his meals, choosing to hide up in his room instead.

When her maid told Mrs. Koo about this, the poor Indonesian was waved aside and she proceeded with her conversation on her mobile with her stockbroker about buying Platinum's shares and selling it at the right time. Jack's mom was a busy woman. Especially since she had divorced from that useless husband of hers, that hardcore gambler.

Since Jack was nine, she had been running the family with that iron will of hers. Alone. And up to this date, she had been largely successful. Currently running a small boutique along St. Peter's Road, she has plans to expand her business. Just so she could give Jack, her dear son, a better life. But she needed capital to do so. That was when she started dabbling in shares and paying more and more attention to it. Her "first-time" luck had been great and that had sparked the greed in her to go for more of the bacon. But this bacon was risky. Risky enough that it could burn your fingers if you are not careful. Esther Koo did not care though. All she could think of was giving Jack a better life. And she did not realize that she had neglected her only son in the process.

When he spoke, she was on the phone, oblivious to his presence. Oblivious to his joy at paying some mystery guy $30 for a card that was reputed to be worth close to $120. She only nodded her head in dumb agreement to make him feel good. But she did not once take a peek at the "rare" card. If she had, she would have recognized that it was not an ordinary card; that the art of the card was gruesome and grotesque. That the card held a binding effect on one's mind. An effect that could eventually and triumphantly claim one's life. Because this was not a commonplace trading card. It was a card with an evil spirit in it. A malicious spirit that was waiting and biding for its time to kill its victims for the sake of killing. In short, she would have been aware of the danger Jack was in had she looked.

The background of the spirit was not known, but the mystery man knew, for he witnessed the card's ability and did not want to have anything to do with it. The price was fixed and the poor kid who bought it would have to bear the consequences. Once it left his hands, he was safe. And that was the selfishness he displayed just so he could cling onto his life. To hell with the victim. To hell with what would happen to the totally innocent party. To hell with morality. It was every man for himself. And with that mentality, the mystery man sold the card to Jack Koo for $30. Jack thought that he had gotten the bargain of his life and labelled the guy stupid behind his back.

Now, safely in his room, with him lying on his stomach, he held the card by the edges and admired it. The card's art was rather gruesome. It showed an executioner holding his axe in one hand and a head hanging by the hair in the other, blood dripping down the jagged neckline. He gazed at the name. Axe Of Command. Even the name sounds cool. No regrets at all about buying that card. It was the most expensive card in the entire set that Wiz ever released. Jack congratulated himself for the 107th time in 2 days. Then, he cautiously slid the card into a PVC cardholder and into his album. He admired the art again. A rush of excitement rushed through his heart and he cannot wait for the next day to come. It was time to make friends jealous. Especially since he had been tagged with the nickname, NerdyKook. He can't wait. Boy, he can't wait. Outside, the maid called for him to come out for dinner. She announced that chicken wings were on the menu today. His favorite. Jack just ignored Maria.

In the hall, Esther was on the verge of tears. The Platinum shares she bought had fallen like a rocket and she had lost a whopping $14000. Money she had earned the previous few times was not enough to cover up the loss. Esther estimated she lost about $7000.

"How much do I lose if I sell Platinum now?" Her voice was quivering.

"Umm....... let me calculate this." A few anxious minutes that seemed like hours.

"Eeerr... why don't you try to keep it for the time being? They might rise..."

"I WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH I WOULD STAND TO LOSE, MICHAEL! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT WHETHER I CAN STILL HOLD IT OR NOT!"

"Er.... Hmm..... that... that would be about... $8000."

"Sigh... sell it Michael. Tell me the exact amount and I would write a check to you," she uttered in exasperation and hung the phone up. Esther rubbed her forehead, a few sighs escaping her tiny mouth.

"Maria..... is dinner ready?"

"It's on the table, Madam."

"And where is Jack?"

"He does not want to come out, Madam," Maria said meekly.

Esther Koo shut her eyes and whipped in a deep, longing breath. Then she relaxed and let it all out, her eyes refreshing themselves to the familiar hallway.

"Let him be. He is probably busy with his work."

Inside his room, Jack could not stop marvelling at the card.

It's so awesome!

He stared at the executioner's deep-set eyes and at the head's hollow voids. Holes where the eyeballs should have been. So cool. He started to thumb the picture, his fingers tracing from the executioner to the head that he held triumphant. His mind wandered to the ancient times and he wondered what it was like to be an executioner. He imagined himself as a macho and cool individual, axe on the floor gleaming off rays from the setting sun and waiting for orders to execute the most wanted criminal in his country. Slowly, he picked up his axe and wiped it slickly with a cloth before dumping the cloth aside. He was on a wooden platform, with hundreds of people surrounding it. They were waiting for the show to begin. Waiting for him to do his job. His cool and awesome job. And there he was, dragging the axe along the platform, a warrior waiting for his turn to slash his opponent. The axe split little pieces of wood on the beaten platform as he outlined a curve around the man in front of him. The man who had terrorized towns and victimized women. The man who was in torn white rags, his hands chained behind him. Then, the order was given. Jack lifted up his axe and glared intently at his victim. The man looked up. Jack gasped and stumbled backwards. The man, the one he was going to execute, bore the same resemblance as him! But Jack could not back down now. The chance he had been waiting for such a long time had finally arrived! How could he let go of it? With that, Jack calmed himself and swung the razor-sharp blade down.

8p.m came and went. Esther had by then finished her meal and was relaxing in front of the TV. Seinfeld was on and she could not resist laughing at his antics despite the huge monetary loss. It was a good way to de-stress. She did not have to worry about the $8000 debt during this period of time. That can wait.

Shortly after 9:05p.m, when Jack did not appear from his room, Esther began to get a little worried. He would get gastric problems if he did not have his dinner. And that was unnecessary. She decided she would drag him away from his textbooks and force him to have a decent meal at the dining table. She went to his room and pounded on the door.

"Jack! Are you inside? Come out and have your dinner. It won't be great if you have stomach problems because of that."

No answer. Nothing. Just the whizzing of vehicles on the road and the music of crickets.

Esther knocked again. Still nothing. No more privacy for the kid. She opened the door warily, taking a peek at the inside. Nothing unusual, except that Jack seemed to be lying on the bed. She pushed open the door and was about to say something. Instead, she shrieked at the top of her lungs.

15 year-old Jack Koo's body lay on the bed, blood splattered on the walls of the blue paint and movie posters. His head was sliced away from his body, lying on the floor on its side, his eyes and mouth gaping widely in shock. The card was beside it, neat and unblemished. The executioner was smiling.

[JirQUEST]

i wrote this at least 7 yrs ago... so pls be gentle when criticizing

[Axeclash]

where did you get the idea for this? it's a good story
wickedly interesting

[JirQUEST]

used to play with Magic cards last time

[Peppy]

I'm not a good reviewer. I don't know what to say. I'm going to say I liked it.

Not much coming from me.

[Lubesh]

really good stuff jir.

[Maud]

good story nice and short and not needlesliy long. I feel to much like jack i was big with the old pokemon thing. And as anybody who knows me knows I would of liked the story just because you mentioned Seinfeld. The story has a really great flow and really realistic charcters. If I was doing it though I would of kept the fact about the evil spirt out. It would of been more of a surprise. Also It would be kind of a nice twist if the axe was in the kids hand. But really good the way it is.

[JirQUEST]

now that i read it again, i cant help but squirm. nonetheless, thanks for all the encouragement. maybe authors are their own worst critics?

[Verbatim]

Hello JQ,
I know you wrote this seven years ago. Nevertheless, I'm going to critique it just like any story. In fact, I'm going to critique it more thoroughly than any of the others I've commented on in here. Why you might ask. The reason why is because I believe you are more willing to listen.

First, I'm going to comment on grammar and other things.

In the first paragraph you use the phrase "went bust." That is a cliche and something writers try to stay away from. You also use another cliche in the third paragraph:bacon, as in ". . . go for more of the bacon" and "But this bacon. . .."

The tansitions between the paragraphs are jerky. Each paragraph jumps from one character to the next but is done too quickly.

The sentence "Oblivious to his joy at paying some mystery guy $30 for a card that was reputed to be worth close to $120" is a subordinate clause and cannot stand alone because when it stands alone it is a fragment. There are many fragmented sentence throughout your story, and I don't know if it is intetional and you are writing in the minimalistic writing style or if you are actually making these mistakes unintentionally. I'm guessing that it is unintentional.

In the fourth paragraph, you say ". . . she would have been aware of the danger Jack was in had she looked." All I can ask is how could she have known. She could have found out just by looking at the card? How?

In the sixth paragraph, you mention the card's art being gruesome--again. There is no need to say it twice; the reader already knows that it is gruesome.

In the sevent paragraph, your switching of the protaganist's mother is abrubt and cofuses the reader as to how much time has passed.

At the end of the dialogue, you say ". . . her eyes refreshing themselves to the familiar hallway." Do eyes really refresh themselves? I can't even imagine my eyes refreshing themselves. Are they drinking lemonade and being fanned? I think it would be better to say they were adjusting.

Also, later on, you say "She did not have to worry about the $8,000 debt during this period of time." All I can ask is why and how. Is there a switch to turn worry on and off?

There is the negative; now I will write about the positives.

After all the dialogue I really began to get into the story. The description of what transpired in his room was good and so, too, was the ending. The plot of having a playing card possessed by an evil spirit that prays on children is an original idea and can be taken further if you so choose. This story has a lot of potential. I hope you are not upset by my comments. I'm just trying to give constructive advise.

All the best,
Verbatim

[JirQUEST]

thanks for the review. i have to contest one point though. sentence fragments are okay in creative writing, only a no no in corporate writing.

[TheNewFoundPoet]

"she has plans to expand her business" - change of tense, put back to past.

"Just so she could give Jack, her dear son, a better life" - sentence fragment. I know what you just said, but I hate them, so I pointed it out anyways...

"In short, she would have been aware of the danger Jack was in had she looked." - clumsy sentence near the end.

"A rush of excitement rushed through his heart and he cannot wait for the next day to come." - tense shift again.

"He can't wait. Boy, he can't wait. " - Another shift

"He imagined himself as a macho and cool individual" - bad adjectives for an ancient executioner.

"His cool and awesome job" - again, not so good in the adjective department

" a decent meal at the dining table" - dining table? I always just called it a dinner table, but ok.

Ok, after the third, I stopped picking out tense shifts. Go look through and fix em all.

It's a funny story. It would be a good campfire story for little kids.

I definitely agree with Maud'Dib in that you should have kept the evil spirit out of it, and made it more of a twist at the end. But yeah, overall, it was good.

[Jasunford]

I thought the story was really good, of course seven years is a long time. I read Douglas Preston and Lincoln child critique their novel "Relic" in an article once. They said something to the effect of "thank God for maturity" with writing as well as life of course. So if that is 7 years ago, guess I've got the seven year itch, cause it leaves me wanting to read more.... circa 2005 maybe, but more nonetheless. Good stuff.

[jason]

An interesting and disturbing look at obsession. The only critisism I can think of is sometimes you're "telling" the story more than showing it unfold. For example, if Jack is neglected, try to let the reader know this through description.

The ending was excellent and well thought out.

['Ginnis]

I seriously wish i had the ability to say "I wrote this seven years ago" and not be looking at a poem about a puppy from third grade...anywho, very nice actually. I found one awkward sport the "He can't wait, he can't wait" bit. The tense shift was off. This actually reminded me very much of a children's tv horror series from the 90's called "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"...and who doesn't love being reminded of all the times they hid under the covers because the ghost might actually come and get them? Good work!

[JirQUEST]

Thank you all. I didn't expect such praises after so long. Makes me wanna re-work it. Hah!

[foxblade]

Hmmm, I think I remember you posting this a while back!

Anyway, the only thing that I can suggest so far is to build some anticipation with the evil spirit in the card.

There was also a sentence where the person actually said "Sigh" rather than expressed aggravation with a sigh.

Ummm, let's see. I think that you could have gotten away with leaving specific show names out of the picture. It's very easy for someone like me to get sidetracked.

Other than the few things that I pointed out, the story was wicked awesome, especially for being seven years old.

[Ambrose]

Ah dang, I was going to critique your grammar but too many people beat me to it

I too collected magic cards and can relate to the excitement getting a new card can bring. I thought you captured that well, having Jack analyze the artwork and use his imagination to expand on it.

If I had to complain about something, which I do, I would say you spent too much time talking about the mom and her financial issues. Saying she was strapped for cash and dabbling riskily in stocks would have been enough. You should instead have developed the story of the card better. Make the picture on the card change... maybe Jack could see his own face appear on the severed head (I'm thinking along the lines of King's short story about the writer who buys the painting of a late and troubled teenager depicting a vampire in a sports car)?

Also, thanks for the message. It's good to be back

[tarotwolf]

Stories like this is what make parents think RPGs and CCGs are evil. Silly parents

Not a bad story. I