[Jiamin]

Synopsis: When the culprit turns out to be someone you love, what will you do?

Helen pulled up the white cloth that covered the dead body and examined the victim of another serial killer.

"Just like the last two victims, she has two holes punctuated on her neck, and the blood drained. Her mother had come to identify her. She is Lilly Haster, 20, sales manager," said Ken.

Helen took the report and sighed. "Superior Koler will give us his lecture again. This is the third case, and we have yet to solve it."

"It's not our fault, we don't have much clues or suspects. Only two holes on their necks, drained blood, all three were from Golden Street, what else?" said Jessie.

"Maybe it's a vampire!" Henry breathed suddenly, in a mysterious tone. "Maybe a vampire looms Golden street, and he comes out at night to suck blood of innocent victims, then..."

"Maybe Henry is the vampire!" Ken declared. Everyone laughed. Henry muttered, "You'll never know."

"Well, even if it's so, who is the vampire?" Helen mumbled to herself.


Late that night, Helen opened the door of her apartment and went in. Without turning the lights on, she stumbled into her room and onto her bed. She was tired. After a fruitless search at the scene of the crime and a lecture from Superior Koler, Helen was dead-beat. She fell asleep immediately.

In her dream, Helen was standing near a building. She looked around, and saw her long-lost brother.

Bro......

She saw her brother who had disappeared five years ago. She cried for him. He turned around and smiled at her. Helen ran into her brother's open arms.

"Where have you been?" she asked. "They said you were missing in the African jungles. Why? What happened? Why didn't you contact us? Bro, answer me! Bro?"

But her brother only smiled. Suddenly, he crumpled in pain. He screamed for help...

That was when the phone rang. She was in no mood to answer, so she unplugged the phone. She thought of her brother.

Victor.....

Victor was Helen's elder brother. He was an explorer. Five years ago, he went to Africa, and never came back.

Helen buried her face into her pillow and cried.

Then she stopped. "I need a walk," she said to herself. Helen got up and changed into a sweater and jeans. She took her coat and went out into the cold night.

Helen strolled into the park. In the morning, children played there, and old people fed the birds. Everywhere was a sight of friendliness. But at night, no one comes to the park, for it was very dark, and ghosts and demons were said to be seen there. Everywhere was so forbidding.

But Helen did not care. She continued to stroll, and thought of where her brother could be.

Then she heard leaves rustling behind the trees. She turned around and shouted, "Who's there?"

No one answered. Helen took out her revolver and crept silently into the forest of trees. The branches were low, as if it were attempting to stop her from going any further. She went anyway.

Suddenly a scream pierced through the night.

Helen ran in the direction of the scream. It led her to the other side of the park - the playground.

What she saw, shocked her. She screamed, not of fright, but of disbelief and pain.

She saw her long-lost brother - he was bent over a lady, sucking her blood.

Sucking her blood! Oh bro, what have you become?

The vampire looked up, and was shocked too. He dropped the lady, who was by then dead, and walked up to Helen.

"Helen...... my dear sis," he whispered gently.

"Bro, what happened to you?! Why have you become a vampire?"

Helen backed away from Victor's outstretched hand. Victor looked hurt. Then his face contorted in anger.

"He bit me! The vampire bit me! Now I've become like this! Believe me Helen, I don't want to!"

Now Helen had the cases solved, but how was she to tell everyone?

"Bro, I am at a loss. I am the one investigating the cases of the blood-drained victims, I solved them, but how am I going to tell them?"

"Be with me, Helen, come and live with me. I am going to live forever, but I am lonely, come live with me," pleaded Victor.

Helen gazed at her brother, her mind swirling in confusion.

She walked up to Victor......



"We have a new victim, Sir. Mrs. West. Died of lost of blood, holes were found on her neck," Ken reported to Superior Koler. "And there's another trace of blood found at the scene, but it doesn't belong to Mrs. West."

The Superior looked up with interest.

"It belongs to... Helen," Ken choked.

"Her body is missing."



Late that night, two blood-sucking demons prowled through the park at Golden Street. Later, a scream was heard, followed by another......

[Miragedev]

Very smooth. A really nice read. I like it.

[TheNewFoundPoet]

"Her mother had come to identify her. She is Lilly Haster, 20, sales manager" - These two sentences are bad, cause it isn't really how people talk. When you are writing dialogue, imagine it being said and see how well it fits. Plus the first sentence is grammatically incorrect anyways.

"have much clues or suspects" - change much to many, and I'd probably just get rid of the suspects part...

"You'll never know." - The saying is "You never know."

"Everywhere was a sight of friendliness" - this sentence is bad.

"But at night, no one comes to the park, for it was very dark, and ghosts and demons were said to be seen there" - At night, no one _came_ to the park

"I am the one investigating the cases of the blood-drained victims" - come one, you've got to come up with a better nick name for the murders then that...

"Died of lost of blood" - died of _loss_ of blood.

Ok, as for general comments, this story is ok. I didn't really find it that suspenseful, or gripping or anything, and I find it has a lot of unused potential. You need some practice, but like I said, you have potential...

[Jacob Samples]

it was to short and you told us everything. i didnt get a picture from any of it. when you write, you want to try to use your words to draw the reader a picture so they can see whats happening. you rushed through it all to fast, you need to broaden it. give us mroe details about the charecters, i dont feel connected with them. you want your charecters to be as human as possible.

if you jsut lengthen it, use more detail, make the charctrs more believable, and a few other gramatical things, this can really become something interesting and good. keep trying.

[Verbatim]

I second Jacob. What he said is true.

[RENA HANDS]

I have read many vampire stories and must state with much sadness this story lacks much detail. I do see a greater story of this general idea. It was a bit rushed. "It's not our fault;..." correction. Spelling error "Golden Street," I suggest however, or nevertheless "But her brother only smiled." I suggest also woman instead of "..he was bent over a lady,.."

[insane*child*]

God!!! that was awesome! Short yea but I got a clear picture 0f it. The only thing I would recommend, is that to get into the story like you were the main character. Make it totally personal to you. And make it to where the audience feels every emotion that the main character (or you) was feeling. other then that it was great. Keep going with it.

[maxaynjj]

Overall it was a goos read, the only concern I had was with the characters. I needed more of a connection to the main character Helen. I knew where they worked together but how close of a relationship did they have? For that reason I had a hard time following who was who and what their connection to Helen was.

Otherwise a good read.

[tarotwolf]

I'm a huge vampire fan. Saddly, I find it difficult to write vampire stories because so many stories, good and bad, have been done about them. I know there are fresh vampire ideas out there, just none in here (points to my head).

Others have noted on some of the technical stuff (which is not my strongest suit anyway) so I'll just share my thoughts on the story itself.

This story races through from start to end. There's no mystery, no real horror (even the emotional horror of finding out her brother was the killer was just glazed over) and no surpise. Take some time with the story. Build on the loss Helen feels over her brother. Maybe even find certain clues that trigger the PTSD of losing her brother. I think that might be the trick to making this more interesting.

[DarkStar]

Overall, good concept. In fact, it's a wonderful concept, that was sadly let down by the fact that is was too short.

The lack of detail did leave me not as involved as I would have liked to be.

My suggestion? Re-write it. Add detail, add feeling. I loved the concept. Maybe, add what they do afterwards?

(sorry if my comment seems a bit too criticizing. I'm just trying to help you out)

[Themis Fallidas]

You could work more on the mystery section of your story. You have created interesting characters, with background references, but when Helen dreams of her brother we all know, or can easily predict what is going to happen next. Vampires do exist, seems to be your concept here and you are not going to let your story fade with a happy end, another victory of Good vs Evil! It is a start of a story about the "killing couple", let's say, but it should be darker, more complicated, not exposed so soon! It would be a nice idea to work on the basis of your plot in order to create a series of episodes concerning the two vampires. I think that you are working on the traditional vampiric nature of your characters, which is very promising because of all the mutant vampires we read lately! Read more about vampire myths and legends, it would be extremely helpful.

[Peppy]

The effort of trying. This seems to be one of those stories. So I didn't really expect necessary details and plot. But it's good enopugh to read, not necessarily praiseworthy but still a worth a look. I enjoyed this.

I was surprised, with such a short piece, there was actually a meaning. Surprised. Usually when people write, there's really nothing to linger at the end, but this one has that feeling. Significant enough but needs more of a build-up to take a full effect of emotion. Or...

I was just in the mood to read something that was a... little haunting?

[Mrs._Lovett13]

I second and third a lot of these comments. Just a thought though, would it help if it was entirely written in first person? I think that would give the reader to feel for the character and feel less distant from the story. I see where your going with this story, I just wish I can see it in its full potential.