[Masa]

"Please... just a little bit more time... really, it is all I need!" The man pleaded weakly. He turned again to the bookshelf, "I... I just need... time." his light brown hair was graying, not of age, but by premature stress. He looked about twenty-some, perhaps a tad older, but he was youthful, with a somewhat rigid jaw line and full, healthy cheeks, bright green eyes and a high brow. Now however, those eyes were glazed in fear, the cheeks were sunken from panic, and his brow was furrowed in sheer concentration.

One of the two men behind him grimaced, the other frowned angrily, the first stepped closer, he was rather thin and sickly-looking, pale and tired. His eyes were set deep in his skull, his cheeks were nearly non-existent, and his face seemed like a horrific skull set upon a nearly skeletal body. He adjusted his thin-framed glasses and scowled, "Time... is something you do not possess," he tucked his thin hands into the pockets of his black jacket.

The second man snickered slightly, "And is also something you are constantly losing. Humans, pfft. Always wanting the one thing they cannot get." He seemed healthier than his companion, taller, fuller; his sandy-colored hair gave his face a rather mischievous and somewhat feminine look. A rather handsome fellow, he was a stark contrast to his thin friend. He wore clothes of a similar fashion to his friend, a black jacket and black silken pants, uniform, simple and yet still elaborate.

The brown haired man nodded shakily and flipped through the pages, sweating profusely, "I-I... I'm almost done... please, just a little more time..." he looked at the two, pathetic. His eyes were wide and watery, his brow shone with sweat in the dimly lit library. He had to find it! I-it was around here somewhere... he needed the proof!

"Mr. Henry... time... is up," the thin one replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

Mr. Henry stumbled back a moment, "P-please! I... let's just do that a-again! I'm sure I'll get it this time!" he reached into his tattered gray coat, pulling out a small pocketbook that appeared to have gone through the washing machine one too many times. He quickly tried to look through it.

"Malphas, what do you think? Does this man get a second chance?" the healthier-looking man asked, his eye brows raised in a questioning gesture.

The other man's scowl grew deeper, "... no. Kill him, he lost, thus he dies. It is unfortunate though... many said this one had a bit of potential in these sort of things..." Malphas, as he is known, made a motion with his hand, and suddenly a knife was poised at Mr. Henry.

"Hold Malphas... I have a better game perhaps better suited for Mr. Henry..." the blonde man waltzed over and whispered something in the bespectacled man's ear.

Mr. Henry tried to wet his lips, but his mouth was dry... he took a deep, shaky breath. Things were not going so well... these men are supposed to be treasure hunters of sorts... he thought he had an ideal location of what was once believed as Solomon's Great Treasure Chamber, where the Bronze Vessel was said to be held... but when these two showed up... his little trip to the library became something that he would have better enjoyed in a nightmare...

Malphas concealed the weapon and smirked wickedly, "Mr. Henry. My associate, Mr. Leraje, thinks you can do better. I wonder is you know of something called the Necronomicon."

Mr. Henry slowly removed a handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed his face, "Er... yes, H.P. Lovecraft correct? I am... not completely..."

Mr. Leraje smirked and put a hand on Mr. Henry's shoulder, "My good man... I don't mean Lovecraft's sick believed novel. I meant that actual damned book."

The frightened man quivered slightly at the touch, but tried to remain strong, "I... yes, I believe the referenced book is somewhere in this library... would you like me to-"

The man wearing the glasses sighed, "No you idiot, we are going to show you." with surprising strength he grabbed the poor librarian's arm and dragged him deeper into the library, "Do you know what's underneath this rickety old building, sir?"

Before Mr. Henry could quite muster up the courage to answer, Leraje appeared on his right side, grinning, "It's more books..."

The pale man sneered, his face looked even more sinister in the shadowy corridor, "Not any normal books..." he paused and pulled out a large skeletal key, "You've given us a wild goose chase, allow us to repay you."

The first thought going through Mr. Henry's head was that he was going to die a horrible, horrible death, but when Mr. Malphas opened a door the startled man never seen before, his mind was suddenly wiped blank by a feeling of utter amazement and chill.

Books. Thousands of them, unceremoniously strewn about a great stone chamber. There were things in there that shouldn't exist! Books thought to be fiction! Grimoires and tablets depicting monks and ritual rites being performed, obvious pictures of demons, a long wooden staff, charred and appearing... frozen? A large circle was painted in red on the floor, the only sound was dripping... just dripping...

Drip...

Drip...

"Mr. Henry, this is a special chamber I have found a great many years ago. As you can see... the things performed within this room... may either be fictionous attempts of otherworldly and ungodly acts... or explicit detailing of such acts... in success." the blonde man said as easily as he was giving a tour of his home.

The paler man dropped his smirk, "It is... a strange room..."

Drip...

Drip...

Mr. Henry couldn't stop shivering, he reached out and touched one of the tattered books, "W-what is this?"

"Grimoires and illegal documents amassed over the years by madmen and... rather deviant young blokes."

The librarian looked about in horror, the roof was leaking some... thick, crimson fluid... it was slowly sliding down the windowless walls... how could he see in here? There was no lights, they were in a shadowy section of the library...

Drip...

Drip...

The handsome man stepped back, leaning on the doorway, "You see, Mr. Henry. When people like you, people who believe they've done their homework... you always fail to see the bigger picture. You are not pointing out the burial site of an ancient treasure... your kind simply points the way to a road mankind cannot possibly approach."

"You and your kind always believe you're speculations and beliefs surpass others... ha. You're just bratty little Harvard boys, thinking the world is a simple nutshell one could smash with a hammer... well guess what? It's rotting."

Mr. Henry turned around, "Let me out!"

Malphas smirked, "These books here are tokens of the past. These were written by the hands of those who really know... written by the bloodied, dying hands of lunatics to your kind... but written by those who truly understood to us."

The librarian quickly tried to run through the two, but was pushed back quite easily.

Drip...

Drip...

"PLEASE! LET ME GO!"

"You've been released Mr. Henry. You're just refusing to leave yourself..."

"I BEG OF YOU!"

"What's the matter? Your time is running out, find your way out, Mr. Henry."

Drip...

Drip...

"Your mind is failing, sir. Perhaps you should leave?"

"I-I... no... please..." Mr. Henry looked around, the crimson liquid was slowly filling the room, the books seemed to give off a cold aura.... smothering his mind.

Malphas slowly faded into the shadows that seemed to cling around him like a cloak of sorts, "Mr. Henry, I do hope you've learned your lesson. Because, with all due respect, it's something even you Harvard bastards haven't heard..."

Leraje smiled sympathetically, "Sorry ol' boy. Seems you've failed."

With an anguished cry the brown-haired man threw himself at the books, tearing them apart in his madness.

"And thus the intelligent are reduced to nothing."

"LET ME OUT!!!"

Drip...

Drip...

"Le...let me..."

"Do you believe, Mr. Henry? Do you feel you understand?"

"H-help...m-"

Drip...

Drip...

[Jon%]

Other than a fun little homage to Lovercraft, there really isn't much here. I'd personally like to know a little more background on the agreement that was entered into to get the librarian into this little pickle. I would also like to know a little more about his fate and the things that happened in the room. Frankly, right now, there is nothing particularly "horrifying" about this story.

Additionally, I have a lot of issues with the words you chose throughout the story. They aren't necessarily "wrong", its just that perhaps you could have chosen a more appropriate word. Here are some examples:

• Two men behind him grimaced - Two men grimacing simultaneously? Weird. Also, they're supposed to be sinister and a grimace doesn't evoke that trait.
• The second man snickered silently - I think silently is an inappropriate adverb. Snickers aren't typically silent and I don't think that verb would ever need an adverb.
• he took a deep, harsh breath. - I just don't think harsh works here.
• his mind was suddenly weighed down by a feeling of utter amazement. - This sentence is awkward. I think weighed down conflicts with utter amazement. When I'm amazed, I don't feel weighed down. Perhaps something like, "but when Mr. Malphas opened a door that a startled Mr. Henry had never seen before, he was amazed and horrified by what he saw."
• Malphas slowly faded into the shadows that seemed to follow him like a cloak - A poor metaphor here. Cloaks don't follow (unless you're running really fast and its flowing behind you, but I don't think that's the visual you're trying to evoke.)

Finally, there are a TON of typos. Read through it again carefully and you'll find them. I read through this twice and counted at least 20.

[Masa]

Yabe... okay. I'll check up on it this afternoon, this was something I just typed up and thought was sort of neat, I'll clean it up thoroughly in a few hours, thanks for the assistance!

[Jon%]

Well shoot, I wouldn't have rated it if I'd known it was just a draft. Oh well. While you're cleaning up, you might as well try to limit your use of ellipses. I forgot to mention that in my previous post

[angel]

excellent masa im loving this alot.

[EternalPen]

AUGHY!!!!
Masa is my new favourite person on here! I LOVE H.P. Lovecraft! My story "Imps" was written after I listened to a dramtisation ofShadow Over Insmouth. Excellent description here! This is amazing! This is so wonderful I have to pee now! Be back in a little, and keep up the good work! ^_^

[Masa]

Thanks EternalPen, you're a pleasant fellow yourself! And um... have fun going to the bathroom, don't want your bladder to explode and what-not...

[Ferris]

Hey there!

I picked out a few more for you to check up on:

Mr. Malphas opened a door the startled man never seen before - Needs a 'had' or something similar here.

My associate, Mr. Leraje, thinks you can do better. I wonder is you know of something called the Necronomicon." - think you mean 'If' here.

I think there was another, but I cant find it now, damn!

Anyway, well written so for (I assume you went through and changed the bits mentioned by people already) but I was wondering where this piece fits into a story. Its a nice short, but I still think we need a little more detail on the secret room and its components.

I think you have sorted out the character interaction, hows about a look at the library, is it a macabre place, or (heaven forbid!) a Cyclopean one!?

You reference to Lovecraft was a surprising one for me, not many people seem to read his work any more. Elaborate on this a little more, not everyone knows who he is or what he and his friends wrote.

I'll be back for me, just let me know when!

Ferris

[Masa]

Eh... thank you.

['Ginnis]

Another brilliant piece of work. Perhaps I didn't read it close enough but the whole bit seemed incredibly ambiguous.

[Masa]

Exactly My Friend Exactly!

[Themis Fallidas]

A good story! I like very much your characters! Your narration enlights the scenery you have created and set very well. Very good action writing, could be a screenplay as well. Now comes the difficult part! Your story does not have the spark of a new aspect of the demon story traditional concept. Intellectual demons perhaps? Well, this is interesting i must say, but i need a strong plot built around them in order to convince me about their powers and how they came here. I need a little more fantasy writing in your story, is what i mean.