[tehzombie]

Synopsis: The show follows the merger of two dysfunctional families; Doris and Rosemer. Phil marries his girlfriend of three years, Sarah, after meeting her in Las Vegas. It was the first time the two had met; having their relationship based solely on Internet Dating. The two eloped before moving to Toronto where they would meet both sides of the family and have an ongoing battle to save their relationship. Phil’s brother, Guy, is obsessed with cults, ghosts, vampires and the [center] supernatural, which often lands him in the most bizarre of circumstances. When in trouble he looks to Phil for support, which can be a consistent burden. To make matters worse, Phil’s mother places a bet; the relationship will end in divorce. Phil has to prove his mother wrong by sticking it through the rough marriage, even when key players like Sarah’s father, Sydney are doing everything they can to end it. With a foundation built of lies, the family can explode at any moment!

I have about 12 planned episodes so far for this television show I want to someday produce for the internet entitled; Forged Relations.





EXT. PHIL'S APARTMENT. DAY

Phil and his wife walk up to a cab and Sarah tells the driver where they are heading, meanwhile, Phil begins loading the trunk with the suitcases.

PHIL
(Looks to Sarah)
Are you sure your mom doesn’t mind us staying with them until we find a place?

SARAH
(Winces)
She didn’t have a problem when I called her.

Flashback of an earlier phone call conversation between the two.

SARAH
(On Phone)
Hi mother, just reminding you that I’m coming home.

JANELLE
That’s great honey, the guest room is waiting for you.

SARAH
And you’re fine with Phil coming along?

JANELLE
Who?

SARAH
My husband?

JANELLE
When did this happen?

SARAH
I already told you! (Mumbles under breath “I figured you were drunk”) I’ll explain when I’m there, believe me… he’s perfect for me!

JANNELLE
How do you know he’s not an axe murderer? I don’t want that filthy pervert sleeping in my house, I’d rather let in a homeless man than some predator from the internet!

SARAH
(Smiles quaintly while obviously ignoring the rant)
See you soon Mom.
(Hangs up while mother is screaming)

Show Introduction is played.

NARRATOR (O.S)
While Phil and Sarah were on their way to the Doris family manor, Guy, Phil’s brother was busy finding a taxi cab for himself.

EXT. STREET SIDE. DAY.


Guy waves down a taxi cab being driven by a man of Muslim descent.

GUY
(Does a horrible accent impression)
Hello Muhammad!
(Smiles as if a funny joke is said)

Taxi driver gives a brief look of discomfort/disgust.

GUY
I need to go to the Ninth Moon Convention, do you speak the
English?

The Taxi driver rolls price meter up subtly while nodding.


EXT. FAMILY MANSION. DAY.


Phil Rosemer and his newlywed wife Sarah are standing in front of a large manor. They tightly hold one another’s hand before taking a deep breath and a step forward.

NARRATOR (O.S)
Sarah and Phil had met after online dating for three years in a planned trip to Las Vegas. The two decided to elope; they were a perfect match, they exclaimed. They weren’t, but it would be a while before either party would admit it.

PHIL
So this is your parent’s place, eh?

SARAH
Yeah, but let me warn you, what may look good on the outside is highly dysfunctional and crazy on the inside.
(Winks with a growing grin)

NARRATOR (O.S)
That was an understatement.

PHIL
Today my brother, Guy said he’s going to a paranormal convention called the Ninth Moon--he often studies the bizarre--if you will. (Notices Sarah is not following along)
Believe me, I know crazy.

SARAH
(Looks around uncomfortably)
Well then… Let’s go in, shall we?

INT. CONVENTION HALL. DAY.


Guy enters the building and has a giant smile growing on his face. Upon walking up to the counter, he is greeted by a man who takes his name and admittance fee.

WORKER
Excuse me sir, if you would like any information please just ask that wizard over there, Mr. Kettle.

GUY
(Looks towards an African man wearing a wizards cap)
He doesn’t look like he’s that good of a wizard.
He looks kind of phony to be honest.

WORKER
(Puts on wizard cap and fake beard)
Well I don’t mean to be calling the kettle black, but I would agree that he’s not the best.

GUY
(Looks back towards Mr. Kettle)
I don’t think he’d mind if you called him black… would he?

WORKER
(Stares blankly at Guy before lowering eyebrows)
(Looks to the left to find a new arrival)
Hi, welcome to the convention!

INT. MANSION ENTRANCEWAY. DAY.


Sarah and Phil enter the house, greeted by Sydney Doris and his wife, Janelle. The Mother and Daughter are quick to scurry off together, giggling and whispering, leaving Phil and Sydney standing across from one another.

Phil bounces on the balls of his feet while looking around the room. Sydney simply stares into Phil’s eyes, making him highly uncomfortable.

PHIL
So, what do you like to do in your spare time… was it Sydney?

NARRATOR (O.S)
Sydney Doris hadn’t spoken properly since the birth of his daughter. Around the time of her arrival, Sydney had a mild stroke which rendered him speechless.

SYDNEY
(Mumbles incoherently for thirty seconds or so)

PHIL
(Raises eyebrows as if shocked and then fakes a chuckle while nodding)
Tell me about it.

INT. KITCHEN. DAY.


Sarah and Janelle are holding hands, both smiling at one another.

JANELLE
You’re quite funny, leaving him alone with your father.

SARAH
I should have told him about the mumbling before we came…

JANELLE
(Looks at her daughter surprised)
You mean you haven’t?

Both erupt in laughter which could be heard by Sydney and Phil standing awkwardly together by the front door.

INT. CONVENTION HALL. DAY.

NARRATOR (O.S)
Back at the Ninth Moon Convention, Guy is wandering like a child lost in a candy store.

Guy is walking around a witch craft booth before his eyes lock on a giant neon signing reading; The Ninth Moon Camp. He walks over curiously and sees a signup sheet, which he gracefully signs without reading any information about it.


INT. DINING ROOM.

JANELLE
(Raises a wine glass into the air and clears throat)
Here’s to the newlywed couple, and hey, at least he didn’t turn out to be a three hundred pound sixty year old!

PHIL
(Scratches at neck/chin while looking to the roof)
Well that’s very nice of you. (Smiles cheekily)

SARAH
(Looks around at immense meal)
Mom, I’m not too hungry, I’m just going to have a peanut butter sandwich if that’s okay with you.

JANELLE
(Nods and then turns her attention to Phil)
So Phil, there’s going to be a fishing trip for all the men in the family, have you got a brother or anyone you’d like to invite? Sydney would love nothing more than to take you and some friends along.

Phil has a flashback of when he was a child, being sea sick, catching a fish and while he removes the hook from its mouth, it urinates in his face.

PHIL
I don’t think my brother can come; he’s out at a convention thing… But of course I’d certainly love to! I bet there’s… a lot we could talk about, (takes a drink of wine) a lot.

SARAH
(Sits down at table with peanut butter sandwiches)
Oh god, you’re going to go on that fishing trip?

JANELLE
Of course he is! He’s part of the family. (Blows Phil a kiss)

End of Act 1 – Commercial Interruptions


EXT. DOCKS. DAWN.


Sidney stands beside his boat with a grin. He wipes the boat down with a rag until he can see himself in the paintjob. The grin fades when he sees Phil walking towards him in the reflection.


INT. CONVENTION HALL - MEETING ROOM. NIGHT.

NARRATOR (O.S)
After signing up for the camp which was highly advertised by the convention, Guy found the proper room for new recruits. It was here where he met the leader of the camp, Lorrinto Heir.

Guy enters a room filled with thirty chairs or so facing a stage. He waves to a man on the stage wearing a black gown with a moon patch on the right sleeve.

LORRINTO
(Holds arms apart as if to hug the air)
Welcome my brother. I knew you would come to me, for you took the signs as I had intended. I made them just for you.
(A grin appears on his face)

GUY
(Feels honored)
Wow, I never had anyone do anything like this for me before. This is so cool!

LORRINTO
(Points at Guy)
You have the heart of lion, yet you have the cowardliness of a… (Whispers the sentence again subtly while trying to remember how the rest goes)
(Realizes he’s making no sense and continues in the chant-like voice) You seek answers for your path in life and I know them. I know all that troubles you my brother, join us and let’s make things right.

GUY
Show me the way leader! (Falls onto the floor and begins to pray on the floor, while crying)

A woman walks into the room and the speaker holds his arms open as a grin grows on his face.

LORRINTO
Welcome my sister! I knew you would come to me, for you took the signs as I had intended. I made them just for you! (Grins to the woman)

INT. BOAT WASHROOM. DAY.

Phil emerges from the washroom after fifteen minutes of being in there.

NARRATOR (O.S)
Phil had been using the washroom as an escape from Sydney and his brother, when he noticed a picture of Sarah when she was much younger. He admired the picture and realized that perhaps putting up with Sydney for the day would be worth it… However immediately after focusing on the image, sea sickness came abruptly and Phil decided to lie down for a few minutes.

Phil is confronted by Sydney’s brother; Walter.

WALTER
What, what took so long buddy? Getting sea sick?
(A brief look of actual concern)

PHIL
(Chuckles in a way far from genuine)
No, well yeah, but I found a picture of Sarah as a child, and I…
(Is interrupted by Walter)

WALTER
(Frowns as if disgusted)
That was taken when she was seven…

PHIL
(Stands awkwardly in the silence momentarily before stepping around Walter and taking his position beside Sydney)

WALTER
(Whispers “That’s disgusting”)

EXT. CAMP NINTH MOON. NIGHT.

Guy and nine other people are sitting in front of Lorrinto who stands in front of a bonfire.

LORRINTO
Although mere mortal kindred dare not believe in our strength, our aspiration for power and our lust for the paranormal, we cannot shut them out of our lives. We must respect them, pity them and help them fill the hole that we have with our love of the Ninth Moon.

End of Act 2 – Commercial Interruption

LORRINTO
If you’re to take anything from this camp, let it be that advice.

Guy’s eyes begin to water as he stares at the camp leader.

NARRATOR (O.S)
He didn’t know if it were staring at the flames for such a long time, or if it was something deeper than that. Guy felt ashamed for not showing his brother that he loved him, and swore under the alliance of Lunar folk that he will help mend his failing relationship with Phil.

GUY
(Stands up)
I will help my brother!

NARRATOR (O.S)
While Guy was being lectured on family and Phil was on his
family fishing trip, Sarah was receiving a call from her
newest relative--Phil’s mother Alice.

INT. DORIS MANOR LIVING ROOM. DAY.

SARAH
You’re flying out today? When will you get here?
(Nods and looks towards Janelle with shock)
Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow morning then!
(Nods a few more times)
I’m looking forward to see you for the first time too, Mom?
(Giggles)
Can I call you mom?

JANELLE
(Rolls her eyes)
SARAH
Well you certainty are taking this better than my mother!
(Nods as if in agreement)
I love you too, Mom.

JANELLE
(Looks violently towards her daughter with a look of hatred)
I don’t think you need to call that… whore such a name.

SARAH
(Eyes bulge as she covers the mouthpiece)
Okay, bye!
(Hangs up the phone and shoots a stern look towards her mother)

JANELLE
What?

EXT. DOCK. DAY.


Phil steps down from the boat, followed by Sydney and lastly, his brother Walter. Walter motions for Phil to help tie the boat to the dock, which he accepts.

Once the boat is in place the men shake hands and look each other face to face.

WALTER
What an awkward trip.

PHIL
(Looks up with a smile)
At least I’m not the only one who thought so. That Sydney sure is a loud guy though, am I right?

Both laugh.

NARRATOR (O.S)
And for the first time since they had met, Walter and Phil exchanged a genuine chuckle.

PHIL
Thanks for convincing Sydney to take me with you guys.

WALTER
(Bites lower lip)
You read our conversation this morning?

Brief Flashback of the morning when Phil walked into the kitchen where Sydney was writing angrily on a chalkboard that he doesn’t want the fruit cake to come along.

PHIL
Yeah, But oh well, I think I am going to spend more time with him. Just to bug him. (Smiles sinisterly)

WALTER
(A Smile cracks before he begins to laugh once again)
I really like you kid, of all the fish in the sea, who’d have thought that she would catch such a gem.

PHIL
(Points a finger at Walter)
And that is kind of funny because we were fishing today.

WALTER
(Squints while looking at Phil)
(Produces clicking sound with tongue)
I liked it better when you only talked badly about Sydney.

Phil stands yet again in awkward silence as Walter walks away.


INT. GUEST BEDROOM. NIGHT.


Phil and Sarah lay next to one another on the double bed, looking up at the ceiling.

SARAH
Did you have a great day?

PHIL
You have a very lovable family.

SARAH
(Chuckles)
Well its going to get bigger tomorrow, your mom is flying in. Oh, and your brother called! He said he needs to meet with you.

PHIL
You’re kidding.

SARAH
I think he was cursing me at the end of the conversation; he began speaking a weird language…

PHIL
(Ignores his new wife)
My mother is coming; I haven’t a clue what that nutcase of a brother of mine wants from me.

SARAH
Calm down Phil, you’ve already met my family, that’s half of our problem, right?

PHIL
(Sighs deeply)
Of all the bloody fish in the sea…

SARAH
What’s that?

PHIL
(Exhales) Nothing.

End of Act 3 - The End

[purpulfantom]

I'm going to be blunt and say I didn't like this. Whilst the idea looked good, I wasn't too happy with the style. Although don't be disheartened: consider this a "pilot episode"; this is where you'd find out this stuff if you were really in the TV industry.

Ok, onto the useful stuff. I personally do not like the idea of a narrator on something like this. Narrators should be reserved for "Last time, on <insert show name>...", and a similar ending, not interwoven with the action. If you can't get something across without using a narrator, you're doing something wrong.

Your Act 2 break comes at a pretty strange point: slap-bang in the middle of some dialogue. I'm hoping that this:

Guy and nine other people are sitting in front of Lorrinto who stands in front of a bonfire.
LORRINTO
Although mere mortal kindred dare not believe in our strength, our aspiration for power and our lust for the paranormal, we cannot shut them out of our lives. We must respect them, pity them and help them fill the hole that we have with our love of the Ninth Moon.

End of Act 2 – Commercial Interruption
LORRINTO
If you’re to take anything from this camp, let it be that advice.
Guy’s eyes begin to water as he stares at the camp leader.
NARRATOR (O.S)
He didn’t know if it were staring at the flames for such a long time, or if it was something deeper than that. Guy felt ashamed for not showing his brother that he loved him, and swore under the alliance of Lunar folk that he will help mend his failing relationship with Phil.

was merely a mistake as opposed to intention. Breaks in dialogue are great for creating tension, but this just seemed like a "oh wait... we didn't time that right" moment.

The relationships of the characters don't seem to be that convincing, with Sydney and Phil seeming to get along at their first meeting, then Sydney implying Phil is a fruit-cake later on. Similarly for Phil and Sarah: they seem fairly happy at the beginning, but don't seem as "happily married" by the end.


However, it's not all bad. The use of flashbacks is effective (and I think you should consider using more techniques like that instead of your narrator), and to say that some of the characters don't interact believably at times, on the occasions that they do they produce some "laugh out loud" moments.

In short: get rid of the narrator and use some less-lazy methods of exposition, show progression of relationships a little more obviously, and sort out those act breaks! Your acts seem to be a few minutes apart, and all different sizes! (Although acting can spead this out a little better).

[tehzombie]

Thanks for the feedback. I agree with the narrator and the act breaks, but I just threw this together in about 15 minutes.

I wanted the show to feel like Arrested Development, but I guess I need to be original and drop it--I do think that would help it out some.

[RENA HANDS]

When introducing two separate families, shouldn’t one give two last names? For a ‘pilot,’ I think you are missing a lot of details. Producers, directors everyone involved with the ‘green light’ of show…they want to see/read much description.

Are you certain of…

Hi mother,

Possibly…

Hello mother or Hi mom, ?

Has Sarah already given some indication that Phil is ‘that pervert’ as opposed to…

I don’t want ‘a’ pervert sleeping in my house, ?

Why didn’t you illustrate an unsettling, discomforting conversation with Phil and Sarah in the taxi on the way to mom’s house?

I would simply state…

Of course…! He’s part of the family.

I think too many semicolons where a simple comma would be enough.

Where you end the ‘Acts,’ perhaps do something more with the font…it blends too easily with the general dialogue.

So eagerly, Guy is wanting to amend the relationship with his brother? This action, mental state seems rushed.

Maybe put ‘fruit cake’ in quotation marks? Also ‘nutcase.’

Oh, I see the last names were introduced first.

Perhaps the literal words were just too much, really I didn’t find this humorous. Is it truly necessary for a Narrator? This series seems more like a Sci-Fi/Drama. My rate 2/5.

[ms_mae572]

Contrary to popular belief, I actually like your style of writing. I don't think you could have written it as well if it wasn't in script form. Great job!

[kominbhai]

When I first saw this I was like "When did they start putting scripts under short stories?"
But reading on, I found the style to be quite impressive.
But it makes the story seem longer than it should and cut put off readers.

[Randomgold]

As it is, the script won't really go anywhere should you try and do anything with it. It could with some work, but not right now. As has been said, the narrator is unnecessary and could even be viewed as detrimental. Your scene changes are a bit randomly placed. Some dialog appears cut off because of this. Keep working on it though, and it might go places.