[Blind Mother]

Synopsis: A little girl discovers a magical sort of rain that she takes to school for show and tell.


Little Rachel was outside playing by herself one day, when all of the sudden, it started to rain. But this wasn't any ordinary rain, oh no! This was special rain. It was a distinct green color, just like the color of grass! Rachel held her tongue out and caught a few drops onto her tongue. "This rain is delicious!" She exclaimed happily. "I'm going to catch some in a jar and take it to school tomorrow for show and tell!" So Rachel went inside and got one of her mother's empty jars, and brought it out, catching a jar full of rain before merrily bringing it back inside and up to her room.

All that night while she was asleep, she was so excited. The other kids would be so jealous of her and her jar of special rain! She would definitely get an A+ from the teacher! She could hardly go to sleep, as she stared at the jar of special rain excitedly.

When the morning came, she grabbed her backpack and her jar of rain. Her mother saw the jar and asked Rachel, "Rachel, what's that you have with you?" Rachel grinned slyly. "It's for show and tell, it's my jar of special rain!"

Her mother curiously looked at it and picked it up. "Rain?" She said, wondering.

"Yes! It rained yesterday when I was playing, and I caught some in a jar!"

Her mother smelled the rain before taking a drink out of it. "Why, this is delicious! I wonder whatcould be?" Rachel simply gave a shrug.

At school that day, when it was Rachel's turn for show and tell, she brought her jar of special rain to the front of the class and held it up. The teacher looked at her. "What in the world is that?" She said.

Rachel grinned brightly. "My jar of special rain! I got it when I was outside playing yesterday!"

All of the children stared at it in amazement. The teacher, however, looked shocked. "Green rain?" The teacher said, her eyes wide.

"Yep!" Rachel said.

The teacher rushed to Rachel and took the jar away. "Get that stuff away from you right now! That isn't special rain, it's radioactive fluid! The nuclear plant near here had an accident and it spilled out into the river!" Rachel wasn't sure what the teacher was talking about. "I hope you didn't drink any of it!"

Uh oh! Rachel knew she was in trouble. And what about her mother? They both drank the special rain! And the teacher said it was "radioactive".

Rachel certainly was in trouble. You see, Rachel inevitably developed horrible, crippling radioactive cancer and died a few months later, as did her mother. Now nobody drinks the special rain anymore.

[RENA HANDS]

What about switching “excitedly?” …as she excitedly stared at the jar of special rain.?

“Why,…I wonder whatcould be?” The “what could,” should be separated.

Wow! I was completely in suspense about “green rain,” then you hit me with the “radioactive fluid,” brilliant. The suspense was well executed.

If you ever decide to extend the story not that you have too, you could say something like…children were pointing at the neon glowing ooze whispering some running up pointing wanting to touch the gel. Mention something of the teachers too. Just my thoughts…

[Zoidberg]

Wow. That pretty much surprised me out of my pants. I was expecting something magical, and then the little girl died of cancer. Tragic. However, your sudden irony was pretty funny in a dark sort of way. A+!

[Vorcla]

The irony's a little too sudden, though; it comes out of nowhere and is gone. But you show promise. Nice word usage, pretty good sentence variety. Keep at it; the more you write, the easier it gets.

[WorldWarCheese]

Irony's great. Good little story. I mean, a little funked up, but dat's okay. Dat's a good jive. Yeah. If you made it just the mother dying I'd laugh a lot more.

Irony of daughter killing mother with mistaken fluids and feels awful, making the reader feel awful which is TOTALLY fucking ironic for a reader to feel in a comedy. BAM!

[3lack3ox]

A little dark for my taste...but WWC is right, it does it made me giggle a bit, but feel bad about it at the same time. Good show!

[Peppy]

People have been coming back and leaving and coming back; this is for whenever you decide to come back.

The story was a fun read. I wouldn't call it exactly funny for the average person, but for a demented person like me I found the humour in this story. You wrote with a childlike innocence in the story that I immediately fell in love with--the best quality of the story I have to personally say.

But the ending was weird and strange. I was expecting something to happen, crack-open-humour, but what I got was an ending that was just too vague on the build-up of funniness. (It was funny, like I admitted before. For people who are demented like me.)

Just read:

"Why, this is delicious! I wonder whatcould be?"

I don't know why people do this. Just because there's a complete sentence in the quotation marks doesn't mean the pronoun and verb are capitalized. For example:

"This rain is delicious!" She exclaimed happily.

"Rain?" She said, wondering.

It should be like this--

"This rain is delicious!" she exclaimed happily.

"Rain?" she said, wondering.

[Randomgold]

Well, I can say I was chuckling at the surprise ending at the same time that I was horrified about what you did to a little girl and her mom. Can't really say that about many stories. Despite this (or maybe because of it) I enjoyed this story quite a bit. My one issue would have to be how quickly the ending came. It is very sudden, and while it does have a purpose here, you might also draw it out a little, and see what that does.