[J. M. Hutson]

Synopsis: odds and ends of owning pets lol

I hate cats! I absolutely despise the little balls of fuzz. The smell when they spray on the carpet, the tangles of fur that suffocate your clothes and furniture, not to mention the whole aspect of a "litter box". The very existence of the creatures always makes my skin crawl.

I do, however, share the apartment that my girlfriend Lindsey and I rent with another kind of four-legged friend: a Husky pup, named Charlie.

Being a dog man myself, I saw no problem with bringing him into our home the day Lindsey brought him from the shelter. Charlie, however, as I would come to see, was a "man-hater". I saw it in his eyes from day one. He hated my guts and stopped at nothing to make sure I knew it. This, of course, is how the "teething" began.

It began as any other aggravation of pet ownership. Charlie started with smaller things, like peeing on the rug, or pooping in the closet, burying his "treasure" with my favorite shoes. However, soon enough, he graduated to a bigger nuisance. You see, my dear Charlie was on a chewing spree. My shirts, my slippers, and my favorite chair. Always belongings of mine, but never anything of Lindsey's.

That damned dog loved her, and she of course adored him. So whenever I brought his mischief to her attention, it was always the same excuse.

"He's teething, hunnie. He's still a puppy," she would say.

"Yeah, I know," I'd utter, silently rolling my eyes.

Then, just when I thought my pet situation couldn't get any worse... it did. Coming home from work that afternoon, I never saw it coming. When I walked through the door, my jaw dropped.

"A freaking cat?"

"He's sooooo cute! He's a stray and I really wanna keep 'em, hunnie! Puhleeezzzeee?"

After much persuasion on Lindsey's part, I finally gave in, against everything in me. It was in the next few days that Charlie, in all his furriness, became my best friend. You see, Charlie... hated cats too.

Growls here, hisses there. From the first moment they met, those two were at it. Somehow, that cat (or "Lilly" as Lindsey now called the turd) always ended up barely escaping those canine jaws. Getting away that is, until that fateful moment, a few nights later.

I was shaken awake by Lindsey holding Lilly in a towel. I looked up at them groggily.

"It's Lilly! She needs a vet! That damned dog bit the hell out of her!"

Waking up a little, I peered into her eyes mischievously.

"Dear... don't blame Charlie. He's only teething. You know... like a puppy"




this is the first story i've written since i was like 14-15 years old. I'm 20 now, and thinking of entering this in a competition in my area, for a cash prize. Please give me your thoughts.

***keep in mind the rules of the competition only allow 450 words or fewer.. so some of the story development was restricted****

Much Apreciated,
Justin

[J. M. Hutson]

Any thoughts?

['Ginnis]

I do, however, share the apartment my girlfriend Lindsey and I rent

comma after Lindsey

at nothing to make sure i knew it.

Capitalize 'I'

Ha, charmingly funny though in a morose morbid way. Likeably characters with plausible diction.

[J. M. Hutson]

Thanks, I made the corrections. Glad you like it.

[Bluejay]

Originally Posted by Little Red

comma after Lindsey

Actually... no. Not usually for a list of two. Even for a list of three or more, the comma before the "and" is optional (and typically left off, to allow it to flow into the "and"). It was correct before:

the apartment (that) my girlfriend Lindsey and I rent

Though every time I read that sentence I have to read it twice. It's correct but constructed in a way that you think it's going one way and then it doesn't. (I thjnk I always want to read it as "I do, however, share the apartment with my girlfriend Lindsay...")

[ea_blue]

hehehe. An amusing story! Even though I don't "hate" cats, I'm definitely a dog person. So I can still connect with this one.

Here's one ding I see...

(or "Lilly" as Lindsey now called the terd)

Isn't this spelled "turd"?

I like the way the ending ties up the beginning. It feels like a complete story. It's a shame that the cat has to be harmed for you to spring the punchline. Perhaps an alternative, one that doesn't directly harm the cat, might make the story more popular and acceptable. Just a thought. Still, it's all nicely written.

Cheers!

ea_blue

[Venomous Vixen]

I hate cats! I absolutely despise the little balls of fuzz. The smell when they spray on the carpet, the tangles of fur that suffocate your clothes and furniture, not to mention the whole aspect of a "litter box". The very existence of the creature always makes my skin crawl.

I think this should be "creatures" since you are referring to cats as a species throughout the rest of the paragraph.

I do, however, share the apartment my girlfriend Lindsey, and I rent with another kind of four-legged friend: a Husky pup, named Charlie.

Jay is right, that comma after "lindsey" should be removed.

Always getting away that is, until that fateful night. It all happened a few nights later.

This is awkward. Why not combine the two sentences? The repetition of night so close together (which reading back over I realize you do with a lot of words) really throws the reader and the flow of the piece. Combining things or replacing others with synonyms would spruce this short story up a bit.

Well if that last bit did not get you smacked you have a very understanding woman. Great little story, very funny line at the end that cleverly wrapped it all up well. There are just some minor things I pointed out above that I think could make this story even better Looking forward to more!

[RENA HANDS]

The very existence of the creatures always makes my skin crawl.

Should it not be “these creatures?”

Always belongings of mine,

Should it not be

Always belonging of mine, or Always belonging to me,

A humorous tale.

[Twisted Hearts]

I loved it I hate cats too, so I can connect with the story. Quite funny, didn't see any mistakes (after the kind users above pointed them all out) so top-notch!

[niamhoneill]

Hi, this was a cute piece, it had a flow to it. I wasn't too sure where it was going in the end, but it wrapped up nicely. Well done!

[killtherowboat]

Funny. Watch cliche phrases like "until that fateful moment" and the use of ellipses, they can bring down the qaulity and raise the kitsch of the piece.

[Verbalcody]

A nice little piece of fluff (hehe?) I had to appreciate as while I was reading my own little turd (that did make me laugh) knocked over a beer bottle while running from end to end of my house for no apparent reason.

Anyway there are a few good laughs in this but the line "burying his "treasure" with my favorite shoes" slips me up. I'm not sure exactly what you're trying to say, is he burying the shoes?

good read though

[McCoy]

I kinda liked it, I get that you could only put 450 words in it for the contest, but I kinda wanted something more to happen, it was just kinda blah I guess. I kinda wanted to see you take another look at it after you entered it to the contest and add some more stuff to it, I wanted more action, more details, more events. it has promise though, I think you can take this and build on it, make it longer, add some conflict between the narrator and his girlfriend about the animals for instance.

[Zoidberg]

For some reason, I can imagine this piece as a stand-up comedy piece. I don't know why. I think it's because of the way you explain it, like:

"He's teething, hunnie. He's still a puppy," she would say.

"Yeah, I know," I'd utter, silently rolling my eyes.

Then, just when I thought my pet situation couldn't get any worse... it did. Coming home from work that afternoon, I never saw it coming. When I walked through the door, my jaw dropped.

"A freaking cat?"

I can just imagine someone up on stage saying that.

Good Story. It had a kind of ironic humor (i could just be making that up, I am not sure if thats the right term or not, but thats how I will describe it.)

[WorldWarCheese]

I liked it. Not the best, not the worst. I never laughed out loud at any point but I'm also dog (get it, dog?) tired and it's early.

Some quick notes (I'll try and come back later to be more thorough):

"A freaking cat?"

I think the inflection should be on "cat", it sounds nicer when spoken.

"Dear... don't blame Charlie. He's only teething. You know... like a puppy"

That's actually a pretty good "closer". Keep it.

There's more, but I gotta get back to work (Breaktime's ovah!)

[ms_mae572]

ha, ha i love your story! I'm a "cat hater" too and this actually kinda made my day. lol and your end line perfectly concludes your story!

[kominbhai]

i'm a cat hater too..seems like most of them in this thread are
light weighted but quite funny esp. the last line

[Peppy]

The last bit of the story executed the funny bone. Boom--I lasted out loud. The situation should have been grusome, but you made it funny. (Darn, I'm demented.)

This does need a lot of fixing. I don't want to post them up since most of the members already. But if you continue to write you'll be able to spot the errors yourself. Practise makes perfect.

Good job on the story.