[fishnchimps]

Lancashire, 1840. The Rottledown Workhouse For The Poor.

That night a storm engulfed the sleepy town of Rottledown; thunder cracked and lightning forked the sky, rain lashed across the landscape and the wind sang its song across the moors. It was almost loud enough to drown out the screams of Joanna Barton, who was lost in the throes of childbirth. As she lay on a hastily constructed bed of straw and old blankets, Doctor Barnabus, the resident workhouse doctor and legendary drunkard, bellowed words of encouragement at her.

“Push woman, push!” He cried, anxious to get to the tavern before it shut for the night. Joanna pushed with all her might. The storm intensified as a tiny head began to appear, the doctor grabbing eagerly at it. Ridley Smythe, the owner of the Rottledown workhouse, stood in the background.

“Hurry now, Joanna,” he ordered “Any longer and I'll have to take it off your lunch break tomorrow. Those wallets won't make themselves, and I've got quotas to meet”

Joanna ignored him, and set her mind on freeing the child within her. She pushed and pushed, gritting her teeth through the pain, until finally the doctor held up a slippery infant.

“Here we are, a fine infant boy” he cried triumphantly.

“I think it’s a girl” corrected Joanna.

“Look,” said the doctor, slurring the words “I’m the one with a medical licence, and I say it’s a boy.”

He pushed the baby in Joanna’s arms, who knew it to be girl, partly due to the ancient bond between mother and daughter, and partly because she didn’t have a penis. She wrapped her daughter in a blanket and rocked her gently to sleep.

“Now,” said the doctor, “the birth certificate.” He produced a blank form, along with a pen, from his medical bag. The bottles of gin and ale clinked as he did so.

He recorded this soon to be historical birth, stating that a boy was born on the 4th of April, 1840 to Joanna Barton & Father Unknown.

“Have you a name for this lad, Miss Barton?” He asked.

“Yes,” she said dreamily, gazing into the babe’s eyes. “She shall be called Destiny, and she shall make her mark on this world”.

And so it was that the doctor, in his alcohol-riddled state, put down the name the girl would live with the rest of her life: Density Barton

[superbum]

this is as short as my stuff, that's not good.

It definately made me laugh but there's really no story line and seems to exist just to introduce the characters who you don't get to know that well. I think if more time were taken developing this it could be much better because it is already entertaining. I hope I wasn't too harsh I do like it.

[RENA HANDS]

You have missing periods and much details…

What does this Joanna look like? The doctor? And Ridley Smythe?

If you are going to give me detail about each character later well you still need to give detail about them.

Also the setting; I want to read more about it.

Those wallets won’t make themselves, and I’ve got quotas to meet(.)

I would mention more about this “bond” between child and mother.

Also…just say that the babe had no penis.

I don’t think you need a comma before “from his medical bag.”

What about…

One who shall leave a mark on this world.?

The last sentence has no period.

[tamaulipas19602]

This reads well for an opening page of a longer story. Look into your punctuation. Also, is that the correct spelling of Lancaster? I look forward to more.

[WorldWarCheese]

workhouse doctor and legendary drunkard

I'd laugh at the proposed irony if it wasn't so close to the truth. One of the jobs with the highest alcoholism rate is being a doctor. The stress is immense.

^ MAJOR downer

and partly because she didn’t have a penis.

I laughed. Hard. This was easily the best line.

And so it was that the doctor, in his alcohol-riddled state, put down the name the girl would live with the rest of her life: Density Barton

Funny, because I like puns but I feel that it was a weak punch line.

Overall, try harder to flesh out stories. You seem to have a sense (at least a little) for the ironic and I like that. Make me laugh more. Oh, go read my stories now.

[Randomgold]

I feel that this would've been better labeled as a prologue, rather than chapter 1. It does look like it'll become a decent story once you develop the characters and plot in upcoming chapters, both of which come up short here. Good luck, and keep going!

[Croissant]

“Hurry now, Joanna,” he ordered “Any longer and I'll have to take it off your lunch break tomorrow. Those wallets won't make themselves, and I've got quotas to meet”

You're missing a period at the end of this paragraph. Also, you need a comma between ordered and "Any long and I'll have to take..."

“Here we are, a fine infant boy” he cried triumphantly.

You need a comma between "boy" and the actual " to end speech. So, it should read like this: Here we are, a fine infant boy," he cried triumphantly.

He recorded this soon to be historical birth, stating that a boy was born on the 4th of April, 1840 to Joanna Barton & Father Unknown.

Soon to be should be "soon-to-be.

Other than those minor errors, I think that the chapter needs more to it, and if it's one of those stories with incredibly short chapters, then ignore what i just said.

Also, the scene where she names the baby Destiny just doesn't flow. You are making a poor person in the 1840s speak with eloquence: "She shall be called Destiny, and she shall make her mark on this world." Sorry, but the poor during those times did not speak like that, since class distinctions were much more pronounced.

The story does have a lot of potential and I hope you keep going with it, although it is unclear what the actual plot will be as of now.

[Jimbalaya]

I can see a huge ammount of potential for this. The characters were vibrant and funny, very life like. I agree that maybe a woman of this era and of that class would not speak as she does, but what do I know.

Nice job here, but I'd like to see you flesh it out quite a bit. It is very short for a first chapter of anything. Pay closer attention the the sensory descriptions; sight, smell, touch, etc. Those can do wonders for a story like this. Keep up the good work! Is chapter two in the works?