[superbum]

Synopsis :A man, it's impossible to know what his name was at the time, starts talking to a goldfish about asking another being whether they are male or female. The gold fish tells the man that he is female and an awkward conversation follows.



A man casually walked, where there was no ground, towards a giant bubble of water, which sat suspended in the middle of absolutely nothing. The man was rather attractive with a dark complexion, black hair, and dark brown eyes. He wore cargo khakis and a white t-shirt, which started to randomly disappear and reappear as he got closer to the bubble; that, of course, revealed a pair of old school, white, pin striped boxers and a couple other things about his anatomy that you probably don't want to hear. You would think that this would bother the man, and at first it did, but he had gotten quite used to it, as it happened every time he visited the bubble.

There were three things in the bubble: a small three-legged table, a clear-blue glass vase with three daisies in it that sat on the table, and a goldfish the size of a semi. When the man reached the bubble he addressed the latter, "How are you today Phil?"

"Well. I'm doing well. How are you today?" Phil the goldfish had a deep soothing voice and it always relaxed the man.

"I'm a little upset," the man's shirt disappeared for an unusually long time, "The Presence got really pissed when I asked him if he was a guy or a girl, but how am I supposed to know what he is when he doesn't have a frickin body?"

"You're right, I mean it's easy to tell that you're male and I'm female, but with out a body, how's one supposed to tell?" Phil's voice was gentle and even, but it did not stop a look of shock from immediately seizing the man's face.

"You are-" strangely enough, while the man tried to cover up what could have greatly offended the giant fish, his pin stripped boxers found their way to the top of his head, "obviously female, I mean who could mistake you for a man when...you...keep such pretty flowers on you're table."

There was a short pause.

"Actually, I've got no idea how those flowers got there, but they are really pretty aren't they?" Phil's deep soothing voice felt rather unsettling to the man, now that he knew it was coming out of a woman named Phil.

The man, being glad to change the subject, replied very quickly, "Yes they are, they look wonderful on your table, you have very good taste."

The fish lethargically turned towards the table, "You know, the tables not mine either, I'm not really sure how that stuff got there."

The man stood silently, amazingly with all his clothes on, unsure of what to say.

"I do like them though, I'm glad they're there, they give me something to stare at while I zone out." Phil turned back and faced the man as he said this.

"I guess I had always assumed that they were yours." the man's clothes began randomly disappearing and reappearing again.

There was an awkward silence, made even more awkward by the fact that all the man's clothes were standing next to him.

Wanting to leave before he said anything to ruin his friendship with Phil, the man thought up an excuse to leave, "It's been nice talking to you, but I have to go pound nails in my bedroom floor." It wasn't a very good excuse, but it was true, pounding nails into his floor always made him feel better and Phil knew that, besides he wasn't very good at thinking.

The man turned and walked away, his pants disappeared and stayed gone.

Once the man was out of ear shot Phil chuckled to himself and thought, "Ha, I'm not a woman, I'm gay."

[Peppy]

You're such a dirty little man j/k

Anyways, I've enjoyed the story. Your description is alright, I accept it anyways. Ummmmmm... Was it funny. Well, I found the ending to be funny. That kind of humour is funny too me, when it's hidden by someone so they can keep laughing behind their back. But in this case, the goldfish is doing it for his own pleasure

[Serac]

That was pretty good. I'm probably dumb for not getting what the flowers in the vase on the three legged table meant.....or was there a meaning there at all? Either way, it was pretty good. Brought a smile to my face.

-----I rated this much better than a zero, what the heck? Sorry for dragging you down, man.-----

[superbum]

Originally Posted by Serac

I'm probably dumb for not getting what the flowers in the vase on the three legged table meant.....or was there a meaning there at all?

There is no real meaning, Phil just likes the number three.

[Aleox]

I can see a lot of thought went into this story.... I like to write whatever pops into my head too, because that seems what you did. Awkwardly funny.

[Vincentii]

Not exactly funny... rather absurd really.
As I do not quite understand the story (if, in fact, there is something to udnerstand) I shall refrain from commenting on its content.
The form could well be transformed into a play of sorts.

[Paige579]

I liked the ending. But I think the beginning could use a little work. Where is the bubble? Waht about the bubble attracted him to it? Keep up the good work

Originally Posted by superbum

Synopsis :A man, it's impossible to know what his name was at the time, starts talking to a gay male goldfish about asking another being whether they are male or female. The gold fish tells the man that he is female and an awkward conversation follows.



A man casually walked, where there was no ground, towards a giant bubble of water, which sat suspended in the middle of absolutely nothing. The man was rather attractive with a dark complexion, black hair, and dark brown eyes. He wore cargo khakis and a white t-shirt, which started to randomly disappear and reappear as he got closer to the bubble; that, of course, revealed a pair of old school, white, pin striped boxers and a couple other things about his anatomy that you probably don't want to hear. You would think that this would bother the man, and at first it did, but he had gotten quite used to it, as it happened every time he visited the bubble.

There were three things in the bubble: a small three-legged table, a clear-blue glass vase with three daisies in it that sat on the table, and a goldfish the size of a semi. When the man reached the bubble he addressed the latter, "How are you today Phil?"

"Well. I'm doing well. How are you today?" Phil the goldfish had a deep soothing voice and it always relaxed the man.

"I'm a little upset," the man's shirt disappeared for an unusually long time, "The Presence got really pissed when I asked him if he was a guy or a girl, but how am I supposed to know what he is when he doesn't have a frickin body?"

"You're right, I mean it's easy to tell that you're male and I'm female, but with out a body, how's one supposed to tell?" Phil's voice was gentle and even, but it did not stop a look of shock from immediately seizing the man's face.

"You are-" strangely enough, while the man tried to cover up what could have greatly offended the giant fish, his pin stripped boxers found their way to the top of his head, "obviously female, I mean who could mistake you for a man when...you...keep such pretty flowers on you're table."

There was a short pause.

"Actually, I've got no idea how those flowers got there, but they are really pretty aren't they?" Phil's deep soothing voice felt rather unsettling to the man, now that he knew it was coming out of a woman named Phil.

The man, being glad to change the subject, replied very quickly, "Yes they are, they look wonderful on your table, you have very good taste."

The fish lethargically turned towards the table, "You know, the tables not mine either, I'm not really sure how that stuff got there."

The man stood silently, amazingly with all his clothes on, unsure of what to say.

"I do like them though, I'm glad they're there, they give me something to stare at while I zone out." Phil turned back and faced the man as he said this.

"I guess I had always assumed that they were yours." the man's clothes began randomly disappearing and reappearing again.

There was an awkward silence, made even more awkward by the fact that all the man's clothes were standing next to him.

Wanting to leave before he said anything to ruin his friendship with Phil, the man thought up an excuse to leave, "It's been nice talking to you, but I have to go pound nails in my bedroom floor." It wasn't a very good excuse, but it was true, pounding nails into his floor always made him feel better and Phil knew that, besides he wasn't very good at thinking.

The man turned and walked away, his pants disappeared and stayed gone.

Once the man was out of ear shot Phil chuckled to himself and thought, "Ha, I'm not a woman, I'm gay."

[Lubesh]

Ha ha *round of appause...bloody brilliant.......the clothes great great stuff ..r u british by any chance ? I think judging by the comments it is a brand of humour we love and any over analisation of it defeats the object.....the bubble is just that and the three legged table and the clothes move cos they do .lol

just a thought but would it not be better if u didn't mention in the synopsis the goldfish's sexuality?

it says 20% but i didn't touch the thing..honest i give u 110%

[BookWhale***]

I am sorry.... but I do not get it... but I do not get many things, so don't take it to heart.

[Storiesmaniac]

Ha ha that was awesome, i loved it, and yes i think that is pommy humour, great stuff kinda reminds me of hitchhickers guide to the galaxy. and my hat it comes off to you sir.

[Gigle]

Omgosh <giggles maniacally>

Funny

[RENA HANDS]

I’m confused is it the fish that has no body? Or the man?

Still confused, does the man’s clothing disappear then re-appear because he comes in and out of the fish’s view?

You stated there was ‘awkwardness’ in the situation, wouldn’t there be more as the situation, dialogue unfolds?

I need more particulars, but that’s just me. And the man is gay, so where’s the humor in that? You’re just being stereotypical about old clichés about homosexuals.

My rating is 2/5.

[WorldWarCheese]

Okay, first off: Let's something strait. You're imagination is crazy, as in "That's a good thing!". I mean, wtf? Awesome.

Second off: You need to work on both the dialog AND the descriptions. As in, "You're getting better at this whole 'writing' thing but your actual writing hasn't caught up to your imagination yet, by far'"

it's impossible to know what his name was at the time
That's a terrible synopsis. Don't describe the dude, just say "A Man" and don't say "At this time" unless you plan on or have made a sequel. If his name isn't known, it's irrelevant.

sat suspended in the middle of absolutely nothing
Umm... what? How? You mean there's nothing around it? Just white emptiness?

man was rather attractive with a dark complexion, black hair, and dark brown eyes. He wore cargo khakis and a white t-shirt
Sounds like a police record with "attractive" added. Like a list.

which started to randomly disappear and reappear as he got closer to the bubble;
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WHY???? This point comes up again and again and you never address it.

WHY do they dissappear?

WHY is it relevant to the story?

Does it add something or subtract something or relevant in any way shape or form? It doesn't seem like it and just distracts the reader.

[b]and at first it did, but he had gotten quite used to it,[b]
Since when? When did it start?

as it happened every time he visited the bubble.
How many times is that? Is there a reason he visits the bubble? Where does he stay in the floating nothingness?

There were three things in the bubble:
Oh. It's another list. Describe more... eloquently. Use more descriptions of each individual element instead of saying "There was a fish" describe the fish. And don't just say "Goldfish, Yellow, Round, Two Eyes" but says "It was a large fish, larger than any you're ever seen, it dwarfed the man as it was easily three or four times as big. It's eyes popped from its head in glassy semi circles of white and black, it's mouth always agape as if consistantly shocked by the world around it. The yellow-orange was a light and summery color that seemed to brighten the water around it" You see?

"Well. I'm doing well. How are you today?" Phil the goldfish had a deep soothing voice and it always relaxed the man.
Who talks like that? Exactly, word for word repetition of the initial question? And the "Well" at the beginning makes the second "well" awkward as well for speech IMO. Try "I'm doing fine, thanks. You?" or something you'd actually say to a person.

The best way to write dialog is to listen to real life dialog and take notes on speech patterns and mannerisms of different people. A lot of different people. Or even just asking yourself "What would I say?"

The Presence got really pissed when I asked him if he was a guy or a girl, but how am I supposed to know what he is when he doesn't have a frickin body?"
Who's The Presence, why doesn't he have a body? Why did the man ask?

amazingly with all his clothes on
Again, distracting me.

I have to go pound nails in my bedroom floor." It wasn't a very good excuse, but it was true, pounding nails into his floor always made him feel better and Phil knew that, besides he wasn't very good at thinking.
Why does Phil know that? Why does it make him feel better? Why is he not good at thinking?

Once the man was out of ear shot Phil chuckled to himself and thought, "Ha, I'm not a woman, I'm gay."
Funny punch like. Not hilarious, but it threw me a bit.

Like I said: Your style has to develop, but I just told my sister (thinking of writing too) "You can teach someone HOW TO WRITE, but you can't teach them INSPIRATION"

Keep trying. Keep listening to me. Improve.

['Ginnis]

That was...different, I suppose. Absurdist literature is always good though. Grammar aside (I realize you wrote this a while ago but the tittle was too good to pass up), I think you may wish to work on showing vice telling. I understand that this was almost a narrative, and that that decisive choice is part of the story and style, but I think that the first paragraph describing the man was a bit dulcet. You could work several of those details in through the rest of the text vice slamming it all right then and there.

[WorldWarCheese]

dulcet

What does that mean?

[Storiesmaniac]

look it up in the dictionary...

also, some of the points you made about the narrative are incorrect cheese for example

"sat suspended in the middle of absolutely nothing
Umm... what? How? You mean there's nothing around it? Just white emptiness?"

the story is absurdist, something like that of hitchhikers guide to the galaxy things like this do not need to be explained...they are not meant to be explained they just are.

[WorldWarCheese]

the story is absurdist, something like that of hitchhikers guide to the galaxy things like this do not need to be explained...they are not meant to be explained they just are.

I read that and things were at least explained a little more. I mean, what type of nothing? Just... white nothingness? Or what? I just don't know what to see in my minds eye with the description.

[shatteredsight]

lmao, the absurdity reminds me of Alice in Wonderland
it was rather amusing, the punchline was iffy, but still got a bemused laugh out of me
I liked it