[A_Story_Teller]

As I began to unpack a box near the kitchen window, I admired the flower garden. Such an array of colors Then, I noticed a partially hidden tiny wooden cross. Curiousity got the best of me and I walked outside to look. I pulled away the tall weeds, the grass and vines. There, I read..."Anna Marie" ... "Our Little Angel".

Tears rolled down my cheeks to know a little one rest here. I just bought this historical house, but I hadn't noticed the small grave before! I picked a near-by red rose and placed it where she rest. I slowly returned to the kitchen, my heart heavy with sadness.

It wasn't ten minutes later that I looked out the window again. I couldn't believe my eyes for I saw Anna Marie, a little angel. I dropped the plate that was in my hand and as it shattered, she looked startled at first as she held the rose I had left for her. Oh My God, she was beautiful, her tiny wings close to her body. Then she gave me a little wave and slowly, she vanished.

I cried out "Noooooo Anna, no, you can't leave, please"!!! She didn't return the rest of the day and I cried myself to sleep. The next day I knelt down by her grave as my tears flowed like a river. Desperately, I tried to search for the words that were locked in my heart. "Anna", I sobbed, ..."you are welcome here, please stay in this place. I lost my precious daughter when she was little, I will love you as my own".

As I looked around, I breathed in the wonderful fragrances Lilacs, roses, lavender, lillies, oh I was surrounded by beauty. I spent the day, pulling weeds on my knees as blisters formed. I knew this was Anna's flower garden, I wanted her to return. I didn't know why she was here, but my maternal instincts tugged at me. I made it a point every chance I got to look out my kitchen window.

A dozen times I looked out hoping fora glimpse of "my little angel". It was that last glance, before sunset that my heart jumped when I saw her. In one hand she held a small wooden wicker basket, in the other, a flower. One by one she curiously looked for another, till her basket was full.

Then, out of habit, or sensing my smile, she turned and looked at me. She had the most beautiful blue eyes and I heard her whisper to me...not with my ears, because she never moved her lips, but I heard her. "My name is Anna Marie, this is where I rest, please let me stay"?

OMG!!!! My eyes over flowed with tears and all I could do was nod yes! A sense of joy filled her face and I saw her lips whisper, "thank you" And in that split second, she disappeared, and oh, how I cried and cried. She reminded me in many ways of my own daughter, though not the same age.

© 2002 Raymond Brown (All rights reserved)

[Serac]

Your characters tend to be overdramatic, at least that's what I think. I was wondering why she was spazzing out when she saw the girl. (Definitely not the way she SHOULD have been spazzing out too, I'll add.) Also, why wasn't she mad that she had bought a house with a dead girl buried out back? Shouldn't the realtors have told her that? I understood a little better when she mentioned her daughter dying, but it still didn't make enough sense to me. This story has a few too many holes to enjoy.

[aryansri]

Hi,

I think you story is kind of ok with the picturization of the different scenes going well with me. But what I think is that you made the central character cry a lot more than needed and this would not make a reader attach himself with her. So you should have gone for some more reality and thought about the character from the inside and not just be so sad for the character that you feel sad too.
Hope you have got my point. Still it was a nice piece and I enjoyed reading it. Hope to read more your stories in the near future.

Till then,
Your's,
Aryan Srivastava.

[Gigle]

The story was mostly average. It seemed bland and short, but the beginning of the last paragraph had an effect on me that was probably unintentional on your part. It's very odd to use "OMG" in a serious story, but here I just laughed outloud. I almost fell over in my chair.. Good job I guess

[Ambrose]

Yeah, I agree with what has been said. The widow seems, um, a bit too "is the camera on?" for me. Basically that means she's too over the top. I'm serious when I say your idea has potential. I like the whole theme of the dead mysterious girl showing up and suprising the lonely widow. But you need to add more, develop the characters better, and refrain from having them act out in ways that aren't believable, in order for this to really feel like a story.

[RENA HANDS]

The story is a general one, but detailed. There needs to me more details added in its telling.
The first paragraph was very catching.

[Kitzwa]

I agree with everybody so far. I really liked the beginning, especially the first paragraph, but after that it seems so unrealistic. I think you have your main character crying as much as if she had actually known this girl when she was alive, which is how I thought you were going to end this story.

['Ginnis]

You have strong ideas, the concept of a woman who's lost her daughter coincidentally purchasing a home that has the grave of a small child in the garden is lovely, however you lack of developing them really destroys the potential of your pieces. Who was Anne Marie, what can we learn about your protagonist, how did she lose her own child? You have so many wonderful options to develop this with and yet you don't, neglecting potential. Your formatting needs some severe revision as well, bad grammar can ruin a great story. And just for starters, we do no use "OMG" in formal writing.

[onegate]

I have to agree with the panel here. I liked the begining, and even the end where it reveals the lost of the parents daughter. But I think it was a bit ambiguous for me. I couldn't tell fully if this was supposed to be serious, or humourous. Yet with all that said I think that you have a good voice and potential to shine in future pieces. Thank you for putting yourself out there.

[Hirak]

The story is too fast, slow down, describe more, pay attention to details, and most importantly, try to make an impact. Its not a movie that has abrupt change of scenes and suddenly moving from one thing to another. Tis is a written story, relax and write

Hirak.

[DanHill]

Dude awsome story. But why use OMG why dont you just use oh my god. It's not MSN you know. anyway apart from that good story can't wait to read more.

[marty2shorty]

There are a bunch of mistakes, one in the first line. Pretty much whatever Serac said.
The character replaces a dead girl in the backyard with her dead girl. I would've said, go find my daughter, bring her here, and we can all hang out.
(that unless if the character wanted her daughter to go to heaven and keep a backup ghost girl in the backyard for comfort), quite that ponderer.
~me

[creativeminds]

Originally Posted by A_Story_Teller

As I began to unpack a box near the kitchen window, I admired the flower garden. Such an array of colors Then, I noticed a partially hidden tiny wooden cross. Curiousity got the best of me and I walked outside to look. I pulled away the tall weeds, the grass and vines. There, I read..."Anna Marie" ... "Our Little Angel".

This begining is ok, but it needs more to help capture the interest of the reader. maybe something relfecting moving into the house, something of the past.

Originally Posted by A_Story_Teller

Tears rolled down my cheeks to know a little one rest here. I just bought this historical house, but I hadn't noticed the small grave before! I picked a near-by red rose and placed it where she rest. I slowly returned to the kitchen, my heart heavy with sadness.

Ok I could see that one would be sad, but that would not the be the first reaction. It would be the shock of discovering that someone was buried there. Questions of what happened. that sort of things

Originally Posted by A_Story_Teller

It wasn't ten minutes later that I looked out the window again. I couldn't believe my eyes for I saw Anna Marie, a little angel. I dropped the plate that was in my hand and as it shattered, she looked startled at first as she held the rose I had left for her. Oh My God, she was beautiful, her tiny wings close to her body. Then she gave me a little wave and slowly, she vanished.

I don't think that is how someone would react seeing a ghost?

Originally Posted by A_Story_Teller

I cried out "Noooooo Anna, no, you can't leave, please"!!! She didn't return the rest of the day and I cried myself to sleep. The next day I knelt down by her grave as my tears flowed like a river. Desperately, I tried to search for the words that were locked in my heart. "Anna", I sobbed, ..."you are welcome here, please stay in this place. I lost my precious daughter when she was little, I will love you as my own".

again, she is acting like she has known this ghost for a long time. It just doesn't seem to flow with the story. The person would be more puzzled at what they saw the first time around, wraping around in their head what just happened.

Originally Posted by A_Story_Teller

As I looked around, I breathed in the wonderful fragrances Lilacs, roses, lavender, lillies, oh I was surrounded by beauty. I spent the day, pulling weeds on my knees as blisters formed. I knew this was Anna's flower garden, I wanted her to return. I didn't know why she was here, but my maternal instincts tugged at me. I made it a point every chance I got to look out my kitchen window.

there is a jump here from being inside to outside, may want to make it more clear. " I spent the rest of the day outside.." something like that

Originally Posted by A_Story_Teller

A dozen times I looked out hoping fora glimpse of "my little angel". It was that last glance, before sunset that my heart jumped when I saw her. In one hand she held a small wooden wicker basket, in the other, a flower. One by one she curiously looked for another, till her basket was full.

the wording here is a bit awakard. " Before sunset that my heart jumped" really breaks up.. it needs a bit more of a flow.

Originally Posted by A_Story_Teller

Then, out of habit, or sensing my smile, she turned and looked at me. She had the most beautiful blue eyes and I heard her whisper to me...not with my ears, because she never moved her lips, but I heard her. "My name is Anna Marie, this is where I rest, please let me stay"?

I like this part, it is cute and peaceful.

Originally Posted by A_Story_Teller

OMG!!!! My eyes over flowed with tears and all I could do was nod yes! A sense of joy filled her face and I saw her lips whisper, "thank you" And in that split second, she disappeared, and oh, how I cried and cried. She reminded me in many ways of my own daughter, though not the same age.

This makes the story make a bit more sense.


Over all the story was good, you just need to put in a little more details. otherwise good read

[Enreg]

It needs more back bone i like to call it. We don't know who Anna-Marie is or why the woman is getting so emotional over this angel until halfway in the story.

I do the same thing A LOT! So i just write every little thing and once i have finished writing. I proof read and see what doesn't have to be in it.

Oh, and i thought that was my Ann-Marie. lol

[WillFreeman]

I'm with the panel. Slow down, give us some descriptions. We have no idea why the woman cares about seeing the angel until halfway through the story. One additional edit: describe the flower garden beyond "such an array of colors" in the beginning then you can catch a glimpse of the cross.