[rush666]

Night fell like a backdrop over everything that existed before him. The only sound in the one floor home, was the sounds of the news reporter inside the television set. "Suspected murderer still at large." The news spoke to him very clearly. Born Michael Garrett Stevens, filled with so much hate for as long as he could remember. All his name was used for was to identify him. The people who wanted to identify him meant very little to him. Isolated in his room, with at television, a collection of books from every genre imaginable, and a closet full of handguns and rifles. He stared at the T.V awestruck, he had created news for the third straight day.

"Nancy Smith, found dead along with her husband Mark, and young son Tommy at around 8:00 A.m. No charges have been filed in this case as of this time." The rest of the newscast meaningless to Michael, or as he referred to himself "Number one." Numbers were power, a name was merely a tool that someone would use to judge people, or see what they looked like.

It had been done to Michael his whole life. Kids his age laughing at his bright red hair, and freckles. "Freckles the freak Michael." The sounds of hid childhood came back to him. Walking home from school, his only escape his thoughts. They only time during the day he was free.

He found comfort, talking with a lady, that lived across the street from his house. She would always say hi to him and smile. Nobody else ever smiled, and if they did it was out of laughter. He would go to her house after school to drink milk and eat cookies. His concept of time, damaged forever, when the women (who's name he could not remember) was no longer home after his school days.

Feeling completely lost, and empty not knowing what to feel. His parents told him she had become very ill, and the doctors could not save her. He was heartbroken, his only friend suffered a massive heart attack. He felt betrayed, attending the funeral and seeing the careless fuck head that was her husband. He could remember her telling him the romantic love stories of how they had met. He meant so much to her, but was never home to spend any time with her. Michael spent more time with the women then her own loving husband for better, or worse.

Pent up rage feelings of betrayal, and constant studying consumed Michaels life. Studying of how to beat the system, how to become unique. Books were his passport, his escape, offering many possibilities.

When he was eighteen he murdered both his parents and covered it up as a suicide. Both his parents with jobs at the post office many wondered why they would kill themselves. Michael calmly explained to the doubters that both had dealt with many problems, that simply drove them over the edge. He inherited all of his parents savings, and money. Money that was supposed to be used for his education, but seeing as someone teaching you pointless, Michael quickly used the money to build himself an isolated home. Weapons interested him very much, he started purchasing one gun a week, along with many different variations of knives. The enjoyment of watching someone rot away after slicing their throat was a sensation that Michael loved.

The medical industry was his main target, they the ones whom promised to save his only friend. A promise easily broken by a mistake in medicines. Mistakes made at the cost of another persons life. This angered Michael greatly, he would surely avenge his friends death, for she deserved far better then this.

He set out at 2:00 A.M driving his dark black pickup truck, knives in the front, and guns in the back. No laws existed at 2:00 A.M life was a movie and Michael was the main attraction. He drove into a subdivision with rich houses. He knew it was where the common doctors lived, being able to give there kids anything they wanted, but still being able to take the lives of others because of malpractices. He entered the house kicking the door open violently. Everyone in the house awoke confused, and distorted. Michael pulled out his knives and went to work slicing the throats of the husband and wife. The husband a doctor, and the wife a nurse. Useless people, only meant to lie and convey false promises to people.

Michael quietly awoke in the middle of the night, only to see his notebook, and the clock. Quickly he grabbed his notebook, and jotted down "To whom it may concern, if my life was a dream, I would actually feel like I mean something."

[Serac]

I had a hard time understanding his motive. Yes, she died, but it's not like it was done on purpose. They'd get more money if she didn't die. You also didn't tell how she died. A massive heart attack, sure, but you mentioned 'a mistake in medicines'. I also saw how you used women instead of woman for her. The ending caught me off guard and confused me a little bit. Was he still a kid, dreaming of what he could do? Or was he an adult getting ready for suicide? It needs to be redone, preferably with more detail and filler.

[Aleox]

I was confused throughout the story, partly grammatically and partly with the plot. So was this guy a serial killer, or just a kid dreaming he was a serial killer? Also, how could the life of the serial killer mean anything? Or is that the serial killer thinking that murders accomplish something? You got into the mind of Micheal, but the lack of some critical details cracked the flow of the story.

[Gigle]

You really have the mindset of an insane man, but the story is so confusing! Please clarify the ending. This story could be really good.

[Vincentii]

Poor spelling at times and erroneous sentence structure, exempli gratia:

Money that was supposed to be used for his education, but seeing as someone teaching you pointless, Michael quickly used the money to build himself an isolated home.

Firstly this sentence is a continuation of the previous sentence and can thus hardly survive on its own.
Secondly the "seeing as someone teaching you pointless" part is difficult to understand as it is incomplete.

[Ambrose]

I gotta say, I really like this sentence: "No laws existed at 2:00 A.M life was a movie and Michael was the main attraction".

I sense you have a greater insight into your character's wants and motivations then what is displayed here. The story is interesting, but the way it is conveyed is confusing. The transistions are the primary culprit. You tell us that Michael was teased in high school, then you jump to the girl he was comforted by, then to her death, then to Michael's sudden killing spree at an undetermined time in the future. Also, the way you stated how the rich doctors killed people through malpractice didn't really hold water. You can't just assert that these random doctors were guilty of malpractice; you have to show the reader how so if you want Michael's actions to seem believable. The whole killing thing at the end just felt out of place.

[Nephilim]

interesting story. i would have enjoyed the character more if he had a more legitimate motive. this "the older boys beat me up" is kind of tired, but the losing of his only friend was unique. a few mistakes like there/their, and others. other than that, good one shot. i think this may be better in dark, however.

[RENA HANDS]

I found many spelling errors that were not coherent with the sentence structure, for example; "..when the woman (whose name he could not remember).." "Michael spent more time with the woman then her own loving.." It's not women but "woman." You do not need a comma after "..in the one floor home.." "He stared at the T.V. awestruck;.." "He found comfort, talking with the woman that lived.." "Nobody else ever smiled, and if they did,.." "He was heartbroken;.." "..studying consumed Michael's life." "When he was eighteen,.." "..problems that simply drove them over the edge." "He inherited all of his parents'.." I will stop there. The story held many repeating ideas that were incomplete and confusing. What is the time line of this story; was he a child wanting to be a murder or an adult who had killed and was reflecting back to his past?

[brutusshh]

From what I understood, the man falls asleep while watching T.V., dreams up a whole new life and in the end decides to kill himself. Pretty interesting. He made up the part about killing his parents and the doctor's family, and since he didn't have the guts to actually do it he decides to kill himself. Is that approximately correct?
I found some mistakes which I have corrected below.

with a television

He stared at the T.V. awestruck. He had made the news for the third straight day.

The rest of the newscast was meaningless to Michael

his childhood

The only time during the day when he was free

He found comfort talking with a lady that lived across the street from his house

"women" changed to woman.

Pent up rage, feelings of betrayal and constant studying consumed Michaels life

The medical industry was his main target. They, the ones whom promised to save his only friend.

at the cost of another person's life

avenge his friend's death

existed at 2:00 A.M. Life was a movie

able to give their kids

Other than that it is a good story, but it still needs work and development.

[Aldo Rossi]

The story about a crazy deranged killer is alright...could make for a good tale, but you have some problems. First, you need to work on the sentence structure a lot. You break up sentences a lot when they don't need to be broken. Also, make sure you have agreement between words like sound and sounds in the first paragraph.

I think you should focus on how the woman dying made him go crazy. Don't just tell us, describe it. Once you edit this and make a new draft it should be pretty good.

[maxaynjj]

I liked what I read so far. You just need to watch your grammer, some sentences are a little wordy and can be confusing. Add more description to your characters friend and background or scenery to give a better picture of his surroundings. I like that the end leaves you thinking what was it a dream or a look back into his past etc.

[jakeballa]

I love what ive read. But i think its a bit confusing. You had stared off good which hooked me to keep on reading, but at the end is where it got confusing. You explained how he killed the two medical persons. Then you went on to say he was sleeping.

[GermanRose21]

LOVED IT! I do agree that story, especially the ending, need some explanation and clarification, but I loved the idea and the character Michael. Fantastic job, just clean up some of the fuzzy places and it wil be even better.

[marty2shorty]

Thank you brutusshh.
You've saved me some time.

Fix up on the mistakes he pointed out.